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Understanding People

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sKePTiKal:
Sounds like, on balance, you had a very good day. I understand the clothes thing; completely. I've been going through it again, myself.

Twoapenny:
Thanks, Skep, it was a good day, I'm finding I can sort of observe myself and how I feel in certain situations now rather than being so emotional about them that I just react, if that makes sense?

I have been a bit brave in my efforts to stop concerning myself with other people's feelings all the time.  One of the friends who forgot my son's birthday got in touch today, very apologetic that she forgot and wanting to come round.  We are both tired today and I'm not in the mood for company so I said it wasn't convenient and she apologised again for forgetting.  Usually I would feel obliged to smooth it out for her at this point and I did feel I wanted to do that but instead I have tried to be honest and said that no-one around here remembered but he had a nice day anyway because I took him out.  She texted back and said she felt really bad and usually I would try and smooth this over but I have just left it.  I don't want to intentionally make people feel bad and I appreciate the fact that she's apologised but I am still feeling a bit miffed about it and I am trying to stop being fake and covering my emotions up.  So I've not responded, I want to take some time to think about how I feel, whether or not I want to say anything more and just try not to leap in with the intention of making her feel better and swallowing my own feelings.

Twoapenny:
I have been thinking about the situation some more.  I had a text from my sister yesterday, not mentioning my son's birthday, she still hasn't realised she missed it, and a belated birthday message from another person who'd missed the day.

I've not responded, I just wanted some time to think about how I feel and what I want, and I think what I've realised is that this place and these people have served their purpose or come to the end of their shelf life or however is best to describe it, and it's time to move on.

We moved here after we'd had a terrible time with false abuse allegations and I'd ceased all contact with my family.  I can only see now looking back how utterly, utterly terrified I was and how I was running for cover.  This is the place I grew up and, even though it's where my mum lives, it felt like the safest place to be - I knew every nook and cranny, I knew all the people (virtually all the same people I knew as a child still live here), I knew if she was on my doorstep she'd find it harder to cause problems because she couldn't fabricate and create situations as easily with people who knew me well and I think there is a saying that sometimes the best place to hide is out in the open and that's how it felt to me at the time.  Added to that the landlord of my house is a friend of a friend, he rented the place to me cheaply without letting agents being involved and was happy to let me stay as long as I wanted to.  Prior to that we'd moved 7 times in six years so not having to think about moving again helped as well.

In my head I thought that something amazing would happen to balance out the terrible stuff that had gone on - I'd meet the man of my dreams, or my son's health problems would magically vanish, or he'd get compensation from the hospital.  I also had a thing in my head that someone around here would have some sort of proof of the sexual abuse - someone would have seen something, or heard something and be able to back me up or come to my rescue.  It transpired that virtually everyone had known about the abuse but no-one had done anything, which actually made it worse for quite a long time.  But anyway, as time's gone on none of those things has happened, but the amazing thing that has occurred is that I have healed, so much actually, and I realise I want a lot more from my friendships than I wanted eight years ago when I was so frightened and alone that I didn't really care who I spent time with or what I listened to them talking about or whether or not it was me that had to make all the effort to see them, I just wanted to have people around me and to convince myself that I was loved and I wasn't alone.  When we were homeless I didn't care where we lived, I just wanted somewhere, it didn't matter how big or what condition it was in or where it was, it was just better than the car.  I think I feel a bit like that about people now; I didn't care who, what or why, I just needed to feel like someone cared, however messed up it might be, but now, just as I'm looking for somewhere nice to live and I'm thinking about location and whether or not it has a nice feel to it, so I feel that I want different people around me and I don't want these people anymore.

I'm feeling a bit guilty because I feel like I used them.  I'm going to work on that a bit because I think it's a bit misplaced.  But I think it's time for me to stop feeling miffy that people don't do what I want them to do (!), draw a line under it and move forward.

Thanks for reading all my waffle :) x

Twoapenny:
Today has been a bit of a revelation for me, I have actually started being honest and stating my feelings and I can't believe how differently that makes me feel!

My sister rang early this morning; I ignored the call, still feeling that I didn't want to speak to her until I had a better understanding in my own head.  I was also aware that I was feeling angry that she's done so little with my son for so many years now and I don't want to react in anger and say things that are hurtful and that I might regret later so I ignored the call.  Shortly after that she sent me a text, apologising for forgetting his birthday 'for the first time', asking me to forgive her and to tell him happy birthday from her.  That made me feel really angry!  I felt she was somehow saying 'it's only this once' (which it isn't, she's been late for his birthday loads of other times), the forgiveness is about her and me saying 'yes it's fine, just ignore him, it's not a problem' and telling him happy birthday, well, it isn't his birthday now, it was two days ago, he has learning difficulties so me saying 'Happy Birthday' to him two days after the event just confuses him and as she's his aunt she should bloody well know that.  So, I took a deep breath and texted back that no-one remembered and that I was sick of people not bothering with him so I felt it best that she left me alone for a while.

Soon after I started to feel guilty as I know she'll be in bits now, she'll be crying and worrying herself over it but I feel like a neglected dog sometimes, every now and again someone just checks we're still breathing and then they disappear again for months.  And I do know I am right about this; she should make a lot more effort than she does and if she doesn't want to that's fine but I'm not going to give her an easy pass on it and give her my permission to treat him like that.  So ......... the guilt passed, I got on with clearing out the wardrobe (making space for more new clothes), I've written to the hospital about the mistakes in their letter and asked for them to be corrected, done the laundry and done some school work with my son - and for the first time ever I feel like I've passed the problem back to the person who should be dealing with it instead of dealing with it for them and smoothing it all over.

Interestingly I've been reading a self help book about dealing with 'vampires', anything or anyone that drains you or gets you down, and one of the things recommended in that is that you don't make excuses when you try to distance yourself from people, you say "I don't want to".  And I think now if any of them get in touch over the next few days I am going to say I just don't want to at the minute.  I'm not going to put a brave face on it or cover it over, I'm going to try and be real and let them deal with how that makes them feel - not to be vindictive but I've got enough on my plate without dealing with other people's feelings and emotions.

I do feel very clear headed about it all, usually this would be weighing me down a bit but by saying what I felt I feel like I've really got a burden off my chest and it feels very nice :)

ann3:
Hi Tupps,

I meant to post to you yesterday about your new attitude:

--- Quote ---I have been a bit brave in my efforts to stop concerning myself with other people's feelings all the time.

So I've not responded, I want to take some time to think about how I feel, whether or not I want to say anything more and just try not to leap in with the intention of making her feel better and swallowing my own feelings.
--- End quote ---

Then, I see today's posts:

--- Quote ---I've not responded, I just wanted some time to think about how I feel and what I want, and I think what I've realised is that this place and these people have served their purpose or come to the end of their shelf life or however is best to describe it, and it's time to move on.

Today has been a bit of a revelation for me, I have actually started being honest and stating my feelings and I can't believe how differently that makes me feel!

My sister rang early this morning; I ignored the call, still feeling that I didn't want to speak to her until I had a better understanding in my own head.

And I think now if any of them get in touch over the next few days I am going to say I just don't want to at the minute.  I'm not going to put a brave face on it or cover it over, I'm going to try and be real and let them deal with how that makes them feel - not to be vindictive but I've got enough on my plate without dealing with other people's feelings and emotions.

I do feel very clear headed about it all, usually this would be weighing me down a bit but by saying what I felt I feel like I've really got a burden off my chest and it feels very nice
--- End quote ---

Awesome, Tupps!!!  YAY!  Congrats!!!

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