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Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
Recent weeks, I have been struggling to accomplish even the most basic - dressing, eating, any cleaning. But I have been able to make myself do some difficult things that I would prefer to avoid.
Friday, I went out to get my license renewed. (Two weeks late because I couldn't do it.) and I had an insight. I remembered writing here some years ago about being a turtle with a hard shell. ,and now I am that soft skinned vulnerable turtle without my shell. I feel the pain - both original and new, triggers - on such intense debilitating levels.
But I am processing them. Being washed by memories and expectations of rejection, failure, not good enough. Of all of these, the not good enough is the most paralyzingly. But I believe this process is moving forward. I believe this internal horror that I am in the midst of will not be eternal and will leave me in a state that I can function within.
The other encouraging thing is that so much external information is coming to me and it all helps affirm my own understanding and experience. I chose to believe I am moving forward., that the nut is about to crack, that there is more than just hope close by.
And I will be posting here because it helps me sort it all out. I'm staying in a state of perpetual awareness. It is exhausting but it is powerful as well.
Gaining Strength:
I went shopping today, dog food, cat food, that sort of thing. I'm walking down the aisles of the big box store and hit with a wave of shame. Immediately struck by how normative it is for me to be in a state of shame. But more - on this day, I recognized that the normal,state of shame is letting up. It is slowing receding from the every minute norm.
I think as this sense of being is strengthened then it will be possible for me to take the next step and begin processing everyday activities that generate a toxic reaction in me. Ultimately I expect to be able to face my greatest fears of rejection, failure and not being good enough.
Tomorrow, I chose to begin taking steps to schedule a couple,of basic daily tasks, anticipating the blowback but being prepared to face it in the same way I have been doing so inrecent weeks.
Hopalong:
I want to thank you GS, for what you share here.
Your talking about the role of shame in your own makeup has encouraged me to look at that.
I think getting my ADD diagnosis after six decades means that I hadn't realized how much
shame I carried for inadequacies which, without an explanation, made me feel SO awful about myself.
I'm glad you've talked about it so much, and grateful.
I'm taking up shame directly with my counselor next week.
He rushes to "fix it" behavioral suggestions, blessizheart...but I don't think he understands
that there's a whole wall of shame between me and those sprightly moves.
Thank you for the inspiration to go after a core feeling that's been in my way.
love to you,
Hops
Gaining Strength:
A story about Monica Lewinski and public shaming. Very touching. How do you overcome such shaming? She hints at it and it is reminiscent of what Peter Levine says is how victims of trauma triumph rather than succumb. It is about finding a way to turn to empowerment. Difficult but possible.
https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2016/apr/16/monica-lewinsky-shame-sticks-like-tar-jon-ronson?CMP=share_btn_tw
Gaining Strength:
Hops, that is courageous.
That sense of inadequacy can color everything. Chipping it away may seem futile but I am convinced that it is worth it, that every chip is worth the effort.
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