Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tips for Boosting Self Esteem
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 20, 2016, 06:11:53 PM ---(((((Tupp))))))
You're in a tough place....but hopeful. You told your sister how you feel, and you're dealing with her response. It's not what you hoped for, but the confusion is clearing.
I hope you find ways to embrace joy. Just being aware to notice it, and stop for it is a great start, IME.
You're worthy, Tupp.
You are.
Light
+
--- End quote ---
Lighter, thank you :) I feel okay about it. It's not unexpected, really, and I had got to that point where I needed to say how I felt and I can/am coping with her response to that, which is what I knew it would be as I've been here with her before. But it's okay, I can see that I have surrounded myself with people who I suppose, in a way, I don't have to get too close to. I've had lots of very superficial relationships in my life and I can see that now, and I think as I've started to get better in myself and want more honesty and closeness - just something more real, I suppose - then those relationships have crumbled, they're just not built that way. So I think it's a good thing, I think I'm finally starting to grow up (!) and be aware that relationships are warts and all, good bits, bad bits, imperfect, but that having people be more involved than just phoning when they want something is essential and is what I'm finally realising I want to have in my life. So getting there, physically have felt a lot better today, tired but okay, feel calmer and less like I've done something 'wrong'. Must remember to breathe :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on May 20, 2016, 07:03:08 PM ---I get it, Tupp.
I understand how hard this is.
It's like, imo, learning to set boundaries and also choose reciprocity (near-equal care/consideration) in relationships are two sides of the same coin. And these are both critical skills and very very painful to learn, for children of Ns.
NOT impossible to learn! Just painful to learn.
Setting boundaries is how you learn to sidestep or avoid inviting toxic people into your life, or disentangle yourselves from them if they are already there.
Choosing reciprocal relationships (after a lifetime of accepting a kind of one-way or over-giving pattern) for your life involves risking abandonment. Because if you've been okay with 80-20 relationships because over-yielding was your training, as you get healthier and discover assertive or self-loving feelings within you, you start to want (gasp) 70-30! Or you'll discover how great 60-40 can feel! (Nobody gets 50-50 because perception. And that's okay.)
Then when you avoid toxic people and realize you've been in 80-20s or 90-10s and begin to assert your choice or need for 60-40s, well then most of your 80-20s will likely cheerfully say, No thanks. I liked it the way it was. (Why wouldn't they?)
And it does not make them bad or evil. It makes them...not able to meet you where you now are.
So you feel you've lost some last rungs of support. And, in a way, perhaps you have. And then you have a completely understandable and emotionally logical reaction of anxiety (panic) and loss.
You can weather this.
You are STILL constructing a healthier new life.
This is so very hard a transition, Tupp. But such a brave and necessary one. You do not have to be "right" or convince your sister or anyone else you are "right." Once you are in a new chapter/place/circle of chosen friends after some healing and settling time, you'll still be able to revisit a 80-20 person (or sister) ... and then you will see it as it is, and not be hooked by the longing for it to be otherwise.
I've gone through the same thing. It hurt for a couple of YEARS when a friend I considered nearly a sister who was 60-40 changed into 90-10 once somebody else came along (a neighbor) who met her needs (which I belatedly spotted as to some degree, "N"eeds)...more easily.
I almost dropped her completely. And I went through hurt and anger and muttering to myself. Multiple times.
Now I can respond to her occasional reaching out in comfort, if it suits me. And now I just see her as she is, and know she will never be a reciprocal friend. Because she can't. And it doesn't hurt any more. (I'm sort of astonished by that.)
It doesn't have to be permanent/total/annihilation of any connection ever with your sister.
Just keep loving yourself, even though you can't ever "win" a discussion with her about reciprocity.
You need lots of love and loyalty right now. You don't have enough. BUT YOU CAN GO FORTH AND FIND THOSE KINDS OF NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND PATIENTLY BUILD YOUR NEW PHAMILY. You will endure lonely chapters long the way. But remember these are chapters, not the book.
If you hold onto your new vision, and search out those 60-40 friendships and healthy community as you move on, your life in a few years can be so so so much more nourishing than it is now.
This is real, build-able, intentional, and I feel so sure you will get there.
Courage,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Hops, that way of numbering friendships is a really good way to look at it. I've really seen over the last few years that most of my friendships were 90% me and the ten % was basically the other person letting me visit or do something for them! how funny to look back and see that now. And I have wanted that to change so it does mean that a lot of people won't be coming with me but it feels alright, it feels good to have some space to let some good people in and get used to being around people that don't expect me to do everything all the time. Feels a little bit weird but only in a 'new shoes' way, it will get easier, I think. The thing that has made me sad is that if my sister and I are officially no longer speaking it doesn't make any practical difference to me anyway because I never saw her, which was the whole issue! So if I'd said nothing the situation wouldn't actually be any different in one way. but I did feel I needed to say, for my son's sake as much as anything, I think (I am a lot better at insisting people treat him well than I am at insisting they treat me well!)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: ann3 on May 20, 2016, 07:03:43 PM ---Tupp,
This is Awesome!!
--- Quote ---I want better than this for myself and my boy. I feel sort of weighed down by people who are in my life but don't really contribute much to it.
--- End quote ---
I know it's hard when we (1) finally start feeling this way and then (2) we finally tell others how we feel.
I think that if we have to tell someone that we want better treatment, they are not going to take it well & they're going to have a hissy fit. But, what's the alternative?
Continue to be treated poorly or listen to their hissy fit?
I think there comes a point where we'd rather experience their hissy fit than continue to accept their poor treatment.
Sorry to hear about the panic attack, but it's GREAT that you realized it was a panic attack, so Yes, it's kind of a good thing.
You're really changing & taking action to improve the lives of your son & yourself.
Well Done, Brave Champion!! :D
PS: when an N has a hissy fit, picture the N as Dinky, the Great Dane: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPbRyVUGoX0
--- End quote ---
Okay, now I'm in love with Dinky as well :) What a funny, and very cheeky, pooch :) Thank you, Ann, yes, you're right, I think when you have to tell someone that them visiting their sick nephew and remembering his birthday is necessary it really is time to draw a line under that. One of the things that has made me sad is that my niece and nephews (when they were younger) were my priority every weekend, because I just loved spending time with them. I used to spend ages buying presents because I loved the look on their faces when they got something they really wanted and we'd just do things like going for an ice cream after school sometimes. I just loved seeing them and it makes me sad that none of them feel like that about my boy - and he's so lovely he absolutely deserves to have people coming round to take him out for an ice cream. So yes, I think the hissy fit is better than putting up with things, but wouldn't it be great if all hissy fits were like Dinky's? :) Thank you x
Meh:
"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing" .... yeah same here
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on May 22, 2016, 03:16:07 AM ---"generally just feeling apologetic for breathing" .... yeah same here
--- End quote ---
Yay, G, you're back! We've missed you :)
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