Tips for Boosting Self Esteem

[Twoapenny]

What a lovely day, Tupp

Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing.  When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her.  I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.

I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations.  Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service.  The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy.  I'm not good with medical stuff.  You're a giant, Tupp. 

I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?

The journey continues,
Lighter

It sounds like a really good set up, Lighter, they work with various groups who are homeless or at risk of becoming homeless and who also have other vulnerabilities, so veterans (usually suffering from PTSD, from the sound of things), adults with learning difficulties, people with substance abuse problems and so on.  They have something like sheltered accommodation so there are staff on hand to help with all sorts of things from practical help with re-training and applying for jobs/college courses/benefits and so on but they also do a lot of therapy type activities, craft, art, sport and things like that.  The opportunities to help out range from running courses and training programmes through to raising awareness by running stalls (like the one we went to today), befriending people who perhaps don't have family or friends to behind the scenes work in the offices and raising money through cake sales and so on.  I've been thinking that raising awareness via stalls would be good for us to do, plus we could do some fund raising, maybe befriending and I thought I might be able to do some creative writing or a reading group or something like that?  Or perhaps basic skills if there are people who need to improve their literacy?  It seemed like a nice organisation.

I've often thought my boy would be good at a food bank because he loves lining stuff up!  He'd be great at sorting things out and organising them   It will be lovely for your D to get involved in that, I do think it's so good for kids to see that people do struggle sometimes and it's good to help them out x

[Twoapenny]

I have started reading the healing section at the back of 'Healing The Shame That Binds You' (John Bradshaw).  I think someone on here recommended it to me quite a while ago now; I have read and re-read it many times and I can see progress as I know there are bits that I can remember working on before that as I read through now are no longer a problem (or at least not to such an extent).

Something I've become aware of with the online dating is my mum's story of her affair with her husband (who was married to her best friend).  According to my mum, their love was so strong they couldn't help themselves and he is her true soul mate.  From my perspective they were both horribly selfish and he in particular just slept with anything that would let him and only moved in with my mum when his wife found out what was going on and threw him out.  Their relationship is horribly empty, they both spend their evenings getting drunk and he had multiple affairs, all of which she turned a blind eye to, as well as abusing her kids.  Horrible.

What's silly is that in my head I've realised I am waiting for 'the one'; the big, all consuming relationship where the birds sing and stars flash across the sky and thunderbolts ring out.  I've been feeling rotten about the online dating and I've realised it's because the guy I've been chatting to, who I like the look and sound of, hasn't fallen over himself to chase or pursue me.  He has asked me if I'd like to meet for a drink but it will be a couple of weeks before we're both available at the same time.  He works, has two children who live with him half of the week and has a lot of hobbies.  All of this is good, in my opinion, he's a good dad, responsible father, he holds down a good job and he's kept himself busy and sociable after his marriage breakup instead of sitting indoors drinking and getting bitter.  These are all good things but I have found my already fragile self esteem has been screaming "he doesn't want you enough" because he hasn't dropped everything to arrange an evening together.  It's weird how I've just been feeling odd about it but couldn't work out quite why and then it came to me earlier today.  So I'm glad I've recognised it now, I've settled down about the whole thing and am now looking forward to going out with him at some point.

I've also realised, as I'm re-reading stuff about needing to be around non-shaming people (hello, board! ) that I have done the opposite and surrounded myself with shaming people; people who criticise, don't understand, don't listen and don't care.  I think it fulfils my need to be unwanted and unloved and I can carry on being the victim and not have to risk getting out there and making some real relationships with real people.  Zoiks. That's a bit of a bit one, feels a bit scary.  But good to see it as well.

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past.  I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time.  You're right, you can often gage growth, and see  where  you're making new connections.  I'm glad you're doing that for yourself.  I haven't done much of it in recent years.

Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO.  It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything.  It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful.  Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen.  Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive.  Whatever it is, you'll be OK. 

::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags...... 
Not the first one. 

I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating.  Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life.  Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them.  Let them pass without emotion if you can.  Leave them behind, Tupp.  You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.

I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time.  I think it's time for another colored marker; )

Thanks for sharing your journey.  I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).

Light
ps  When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past.  I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time.  You're right, you can often gage growth, and see  where  you're making new connections.  I'm glad you're doing that for yourself.  I haven't done much of it in recent years.

Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO.  It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything.  It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful.  Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen.  Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive.  Whatever it is, you'll be OK. 

::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags...... 
Not the first one. 

I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating.  Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life.  Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them.  Let them pass without emotion if you can.  Leave them behind, Tupp.  You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.

I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time.  I think it's time for another colored marker; )

Thanks for sharing your journey.  I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).

Light
ps  When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.

That's so lovely of you, Lighter, thank you and I will x

The date never happened, he didn't call, it was okay though, I made the move and put myself out there a bit and it was fine, onwards and upwards as they say.  I went out for the day with a friend during the week.  I am looking at a new area to move to - this is all part of me improving my self esteem!  I have given my situation with my son a lot of thought and I've been trying to pull out the different threads of what he wants and needs and what I want and need.

He is likely to need support throughout his adult life due to his neurological problems and he will need good, kind, emotionally healthy, balanced people around him to provide him with that.  I realise that I have some issues around abandoning him that I need to work on a bit.  I can't physically meet his needs for the rest of his life and even if I could, emotionally there will need to come a time when we aren't always together.  So I've thought a lot more about the sort of area I want to live in and what I'd like to have more of in my life, and I've started looking for really good residential colleges in that area.  It was a lovely day out and it's a really exciting, vibrant part of the country.  It's a lot nicer than my current area   So I'm going to work on that some more, spend some more time there and start setting my intentions in that area

[lighter]

Wowsers, Tupp. You sound like you're experiencing amazing clarity and focus right now.

I love the idea of you moving to a better more vibrant area.... esp since it gets you away from the negative people you deserve to gain distance from, IMO.

Figuring out how you need to proceed for yourself, and your son, is wise and necessary.  You're such a great mama..... I have chills reading your post. 

((((Tupp and son)))

Spring is a lovely time of year to look for a new home.
Light

[Twoapenny]

Wowsers, Tupp. You sound like you're experiencing amazing clarity and focus right now.

I love the idea of you moving to a better more vibrant area.... esp since it gets you away from the negative people you deserve to gain distance from, IMO.

Figuring out how you need to proceed for yourself, and your son, is wise and necessary.  You're such a great mama..... I have chills reading your post. 

((((Tupp and son)))

Spring is a lovely time of year to look for a new home.
Light

Thank you for your kind words, Lighter, as always   Plans are changing quickly at the moment and I feel in a bit of a rut/low patch emotionally.  Residential colleges for my son will be best for him and for me in the long run but the reality of (a) accepting that his disability is life long and serious and (b) actually sorting things out hit me pretty hard this week and, as always, there's no-one in the real world to talk to about any of it and I have found it tough going.  That said, I have found a number of colleges that sound good and that I think might be able to help him so I am thinking that we might go on a bit of a tour in our campervan and go and visit a few towards the end of the summer.  He should have had more medical assessments by then so I should have a better idea of what he might need.

I have been feeling a bit like I've let myself down.  I have wanted to badly to surround myself with good people and I've worked really hard on myself to do that but it hasn't happened.  Hopefully if he goes to college and I go back to work that will change.  But I feel a bit like I'm giving up on a dream and I've struggled with that a bit.  Have felt very tired and emotional this week.  I would love to just feel free and easy sometimes.

Lighter is your DD still at camp or has that finished now? xx

[ann3]

Hi Tupp,

I hear you, but, like the saying goes "When you're going thru hell, just keep going". 

Can you make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor to talk to?  Just talking about the issues you're facing can really help.  Maybe think about finding a therapist/counselor who you could see twice per month and who can be a support system?  Since you're making a lot of changes in your life, a therapist/counselor support system can really help. 

I hear you're feeling down, but look at where you've brought yourself to:  You're standing up for yourself and taking so much ACTION to change your life for the better and that is AWESOME!!  Give yourself the space to feel a lull in the midst of your rise.  It's not a straight road:  there are gullies, roundabouts and diversions, but you are on the right road. Stay on your road, stick to your plan and go forward.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,

I hear you, but, like the saying goes "When you're going thru hell, just keep going". 

Can you make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor to talk to?  Just talking about the issues you're facing can really help.  Maybe think about finding a therapist/counselor who you could see twice per month and who can be a support system?  Since you're making a lot of changes in your life, a therapist/counselor support system can really help. 

I hear you're feeling down, but look at where you've brought yourself to:  You're standing up for yourself and taking so much ACTION to change your life for the better and that is AWESOME!!  Give yourself the space to feel a lull in the midst of your rise.  It's not a straight road:  there are gullies, roundabouts and diversions, but you are on the right road. Stay on your road, stick to your plan and go forward.

Hope you feel better soon.

Ah thank you, Ann, I appreciate the comments very much   I do keep thinking about seeing a therapist again.  I had a wonderful one quite a few years back now who has moved out of the area and I tried another couple but didn't feel very relaxed with them or as if I wanted to open up so it sort of put me off trying again.  But perhaps it would be good to start looking around for someone again, I did always find the support from counselling very helpful so it might be an idea to try and find somebody again now.

I forgot as well to write about something funny that happened yesterday.  I think a man was chatting me up!  And I was so flumoxed when I realised that's what he was doing that I really panicked and didn't know what to do, it was hilarious!  I felt like a right wally afterwards but keep giggling about it now, it was the first time that's happened in so long I had no idea what to do

[Twoapenny]

Ann, I have found a counsellor who is local to me who sounds good on paper so I am thinking about giving her a ring and going along for a chat at some point, thank you for the shove in the right direction

I've been doing an inner child meditation I found on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg35Bc_10ks

I have found it interesting.  I was looking for meditations to improve my self esteem and this one came up - nice and short which I like!  As you go through it at a certain point the lady directs you to a tree, under which a child is playing happily and freely.  The child is you and then there's some nice reconnecting stuff and so on.

What I found interesting is that when I saw the tree in my mind, I saw a child playing happily but she wasn't me, I was sitting completely alone and shut off from the world, utterly bereft and inconsolable.  The adult me went over and picked her up, put her on my lap, cuddled her and talked to her and she wouldn't look up, she was completely rigid and couldn't be soothed or consoled in any way.  I had a horrible day yesterday, felt dreadful and I realised this morning it's because that little girl is how I've felt all my life and the happyily playing child is the alter ego I've always presented to the world whilst keeping this poor little almost dead child locked away.  It made me feel so sad and yet made sense at the same time.

I tried it again this morning and there was a change, I took her in my lap and she turned into me and started to sob and was just utterly bereft.  It's so sad because I don't think my mum set out to do this to us, and I think in her own way she does love us, it's just that her view of the world and her perception of love is so utterly wonky that the best she's been able to manage is destroying everybody in her path when they don't do what she wants.  It's such an utterly sad situation.

Anyway, I do feel that it's helping, I feel calmer and more content, I've not been badgering myself with endless criticisms the way I usually do, the day has been unfolding a bit more easily.  I'm planning to do it again tomorrow and see if anything else has changed.

[Hopalong]

Tupp.
This is so powerful.
I am deeply thrilled for you.

That you found her, held her, and accepted her as she was...and allowed her to weep.

I could feel the rigidity with you, and then the burst of relief.

I am so glad you have found this experience and are trusting it.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp.
This is so powerful.
I am deeply thrilled for you.

That you found her, held her, and accepted her as she was...and allowed her to weep.

I could feel the rigidity with you, and then the burst of relief.

I am so glad you have found this experience and are trusting it.

love
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I did find it very powerful.  I've always struggled a bit with this inner child stuff, not because I don't believe in it or see the validity to it but I've always felt I've struggled to reconnect to any earlier stuff - I have experienced things with me the age I was when the abuse started but that was different because I was older and it wasn't with my mum so it sort of felt like a different set of problems.  This was different, though, much younger age and I think there was just something about the lady's voice on the meditation that I found very nurturing and the picture she describes for you to follow felt very safe to me, for some reason.  I've just woken up from an impromptu nap and I do just feel less empty inside than usual.  It seems to be doing some good things   How is your new job going now? xx

[Hopalong]

I do just feel less empty inside than usual.

That is SO significant! Another thing to trust. (Joy.)

Job is a very mixed bag. Some pleasant stuff but a horrid (I have read about it) business model that's so exploitative. (They cancel your shift at the last minute if they think it won't be a "busy day.") Given the wealth of the winery owners, it's hard to stomach. And I feel worse for my coworkers, very young and carrying student debt. No wonder half of them are still in their parents' basements!

I am enjoying most of it (learning about wine, interacting with people) but don't think it's a long-term solution. And that's okay. I'll find a work mix that's right for me. I still have enough "cushion" that I'm not approaching this out of panic, for a change.

Not yet anyway!

Hugs
Ho

[ann3]

Hi Tupp,

So glad you found a counsellor!!   You deserve support, we all do.  Great you reached out and found some.

Great to hear the Inner Child work is working for you. 
I have found Inner Child work to be extremely insightful, self revealing and healing, although sometimes what is revealed can be very painful, as you noted.  Inner Child work is like holding up a mirror to ourselves and really seeing what's going on in the deep, inner recesses of our psyche and how that effects us in our daily living.

Please try to get enough rest, like at least 7 hours per night, it really helps. 

Please let us know how the counseling goes.  If, by chance, you don't like the Counsellor, it's no biggie because you can find another one.  If, on the other hand, you do like the Counsellor, then that would be awesome!!

Keep on keeping on, Tupp!! 

[Twoapenny]

I do just feel less empty inside than usual.

That is SO significant! Another thing to trust. (Joy.)

Job is a very mixed bag. Some pleasant stuff but a horrid (I have read about it) business model that's so exploitative. (They cancel your shift at the last minute if they think it won't be a "busy day.") Given the wealth of the winery owners, it's hard to stomach. And I feel worse for my coworkers, very young and carrying student debt. No wonder half of them are still in their parents' basements!

I am enjoying most of it (learning about wine, interacting with people) but don't think it's a long-term solution. And that's okay. I'll find a work mix that's right for me. I still have enough "cushion" that I'm not approaching this out of panic, for a change.

Not yet anyway!

Hugs
Ho

I hate the way that works now, so many people I know of are working day to day never knowing whether they'll be needed or not so they never know how much money is coming in.  It's not such a problem if you're a student and just working for beer money but for people who need a proper income it's terrible.  I'm glad it's keeping you ticking over, though, and will keep my fingers crossed that something more suited to you comes along soon xx

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,

So glad you found a counsellor!!   You deserve support, we all do.  Great you reached out and found some.

Great to hear the Inner Child work is working for you. 
I have found Inner Child work to be extremely insightful, self revealing and healing, although sometimes what is revealed can be very painful, as you noted.  Inner Child work is like holding up a mirror to ourselves and really seeing what's going on in the deep, inner recesses of our psyche and how that effects us in our daily living.

Please try to get enough rest, like at least 7 hours per night, it really helps. 

Please let us know how the counseling goes.  If, by chance, you don't like the Counsellor, it's no biggie because you can find another one.  If, on the other hand, you do like the Counsellor, then that would be awesome!!

Keep on keeping on, Tupp!! 

Thanks, Ann   I do find reaching into those dark places scary.  I think something that put me off counselling a bit was that I felt I was analysing everything, all the time, I couldn't just accept something as it was, I was constantly looking for some sort of sub text or hidden meaning.  I've dropped back on that a bit now, perhaps it was just a phase, I don't know but I find it easier to not have to poke too much into everything.  I will keep on with the mediation, though, I have been finding that very useful and I'm amazed at how powerful it can be sometimes, you wouldn't think someone telling a little story with some background music would have such an effect, would you?

I have been trying to reach out to real people as well and do more things with my life that are a bit out of my comfort zone.  I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow - I usually take my son with me but I've asked a friend to come and sit with him at home, we're going to have lunch beforehand so I'm looking forward to that.  I've agreed to meet up with a very ex boyfriend (dated him in my teens); I had been going through my usual list of 'what ifs' and freaking out but it's just a couple of hours so I've said yes and we're going to meet in a local pub.  And next week they're showing an opera at the local cinema - do they do that in the States?  They started doing it here a few years ago, where they screen live shows at the local cinema.  I've never been to an Opera so I saw this and thought I'd give it a go.  I'm going on my own - eek!  I'm just not feeling such a need to put a front on.  It feels a bit scary to put myself out there as I really am and give people a chance to like me or not - I suppose in the past it's always been about whether or not people liked the persona and then I guess it's not so bad if they don't because it's not really you?  I don't know.  Anyway - it's raining again!  Another British summer is underway