Tips for Boosting Self Esteem

[Hopalong]

Oh how cool.
The opera!
Yes, they do that here too, in an old renovated theater that's gorgeous.
I haven't been yet but apparently the sound/sights are incredible HD and gorgeous.

I love listening to some opera...you can just get washed into a river of a story even in another language. The music and voices tell it.

My first real opera almost turned me off forever though. FIVE HOURS of Don Giovanni in Paris, and I was 17 and tired, and couldn't understand why my hosts were torturing me with a marathon, but was determined to be polite.

In a comfy movie seat where you can see everything close up (and leave if you like) it'll be a different story!

Which opera, do you know?

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh how cool.
The opera!
Yes, they do that here too, in an old renovated theater that's gorgeous.
I haven't been yet but apparently the sound/sights are incredible HD and gorgeous.

I love listening to some opera...you can just get washed into a river of a story even in another language. The music and voices tell it.

My first real opera almost turned me off forever though. FIVE HOURS of Don Giovanni in Paris, and I was 17 and tired, and couldn't understand why my hosts were torturing me with a marathon, but was determined to be polite.

In a comfy movie seat where you can see everything close up (and leave if you like) it'll be a different story!

Which opera, do you know?

Hugs
Hops

5 hours is a bit much!  I don't think this one is that long (at least I hope not!).  It's called Werther and is apparently losely based on 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' which I remember reading at University although I don't remember what it was about!  I took my son to see the ballet at the cinema last month and it was just incredible, I almost cried, there's something so amazing about watching incredible talent ooze out of people.  Made me wish I'd been a ballerina   So I thought I should make the most of this, the cinema isn't far from where we live and the tickets are quite cheap (much cheaper than the actual live show would be!) so I've noted down all the things they've got on for the rest of the season.  I'm really looking forward to going out without my son, to be honest, will be nice not to have to worry about getting him around and whether or not he's getting bored, I can just sit there and get lost in it

Have you seen another real opera since the first marathon, Hopsie? xx

[Hopalong]

Lots of symphonies and chamber performances and chorales...but no, no more opera yet! I have retirement hopes and that'd be one thing I'd love to do again. Mozart for me this time, though.

Enjoy it!

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lots of symphonies and chamber performances and chorales...but no, no more opera yet! I have retirement hopes and that'd be one thing I'd love to do again. Mozart for me this time, though.

Enjoy it!

Hops

Well I'll keep my fingers crossed that you enjoy the next one more   Will let you know what this one is like x

[Twoapenny]

Meditation again.  I've been doing the same inner child one each morning.  Yesterday I felt excited about seeing her, as if I was really going to visit someone.  It really feels like stepping into another world.  I was looking forward to it but once the meditation got underway I found it hard to stay with it.  I saw her again and she was happier this time and more child like but I felt a bit like I was pretending and that made me feel sad.  I found the day difficult yesterday, felt very low and didn't really want to do much.  Today I woke up and when I started thinking about meditating I was horrified to find that I felt hatred towards this little girl, that I wanted nothing to do with her.  In my mind I could see her being happy to see me and me rebuking her and shouting at her to go away and get out of my sight, and then her reaction and her changing back into the sad, scared little girl she had been.  It was horrible.  So I took some time to adjust my mood a bit, it's very weird but I felt as if I would actually be shouting and being nasty to a real child?  So I didn't want to do it.  Anyway, I calmed down a bit and got myself in check and then did the meditation.  Again, I found I was wandering a bit but I felt genuinely happy to see her and she was again happier and in a more playful mood.  I found her reaching out to show me things and I was crouched down looking and feeling genuinely interested in what she wanted to show me and for a flash I saw myself as my own mum, much younger, interested and engaged and being very loving toward me and I started to cry.

I don't remember my mum ever behaving like that towards me but perhaps she did and I was too young to remember or it's just been lost or buried in other things. I don't know.  But it was very strong and made me feel both sad and happy at the same time.  I'm wondering if this might help her to heal a bit, in some way, I don't really know how.  But it feels real enough to affect me so perhaps it will help her a little bit too.  The meditation carried on and I found it easier to stay with it and by the time it had finished felt very peaceful and content.  I am enjoying doing it.  I feel much better than I did yesterday and I have a friend coming over for lunch and then she's going to sit with my son while I go for a doctor's appointment.  So that's enjoying someone else's company - tick - eating well - tick - and taking care of my health needs by going to the medical appointment, so all self care and looking after me.

I noticed yesterday that I had a real urge to buy body moisturiser and some new clothes.  I don't really bother with myself much at all most of the time but I am starting to feel that I want to look after myself more and feel a bit more comfortable when I'm out.

[Twoapenny]

Did the same meditation again and I think that will be the last time now.  The little girl is happy, smiling, laughing, was happy to see me, happy to watch me go, everything felt easy.  How funny that you can see a story in your mind like that and it can change over a period of time.  It's a very soothing meditation for me, one I think I will bookmark to use during difficult times.  Feel refreshed after doing it.

[Hopalong]

It was so powerful that you experienced some hatred toward her, because that is such an honest representation of the self-hatred you internalized because of how you were parented. And you also found love for her.

I don't think you have to tie it up with a bow. She's there, you cannot hurt her, you can only learn from her.

You've had such courage to go so far within and be open to what you're learning there.

Bravo, Tupp.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

It was so powerful that you experienced some hatred toward her, because that is such an honest representation of the self-hatred you internalized because of how you were parented. And you also found love for her.

I don't think you have to tie it up with a bow. She's there, you cannot hurt her, you can only learn from her.

You've had such courage to go so far within and be open to what you're learning there.

Bravo, Tupp.

Hops

Thanks, Hops   It feels funny to think of those other parts as almost being like real people, it's an odd thing to describe, I think, but I have found it very helpful and I just feel different?  I can't really explain it but I just don't feel as empty inside and I'm not giving myself such a hard time constantly?

I went on a sort of half date last night.  He's a guy I went out with over twenty years ago, when we were both teenagers.  We've got a couple of mutual friends so we've bumped into each other every now and again and met up for a drink last night.  During the day I found myself being very critical of him, picking holes in anything he'd ever said or done, basically finding reasons not to go.  And I realised that's how my anxiety presents itself; I've always thought I'm not particularly anxious because I don't think "Oh, I'm worried about this, and that, and something else".  But I do get very snipy and I pick holes and judge and fuss and I think it's just to talk myself out of doing something.  So I ignored the urge to cancel and went anyway.  I don't think he's completely my type (or I his) but I had a nice enough couple of hours and I would be happy to go out with him again, although I've realised I prefer doing things on dates rather than sitting talking for hours so I might suggest a walk instead of the pub.  But anyway, in the spirit of getting on with things and trying to live a normal life it was nice to get out and I feel like I've given myself a good nudge in the right direction.

It was interesting because I kept in mind what you said about asking about their mums (when you went out with your chappie a little while ago) and I'd met his mum years back.  When I asked after her he got a bit teary because she's not well and they don't know if she'll get better and he said he was finding it hard to cope with which to me is a normal reaction to have which was quite reassuring.

[Hopalong]

Heck, yeah.
His heart is affected with sadness at the upcoming loss of his mum?

He sounds human.

So glad you feel less empty inside.

There is someone in there.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Heck, yeah.
His heart is affected with sadness at the upcoming loss of his mum?

He sounds human.

So glad you feel less empty inside.

There is someone in there.

love,
Hops

It's funny, isn't it, I've got so used to negative feelings about my mum that it surprises me when other people don't and I have to remind myself that what I experienced isn't usual.  I think as well because I mostly talk about my mum on here - with other people who've been through similar - I forget that other people have 'normal' childhoods.  His family isn't without falling outs and disputes but that's normal, I think, he didn't say a lot about it but it sounded like the usual things most families go through.  It didn't sound toxic.

I think here's to moving forward and getting over another stepping stone   Have a lovely weekend, Hopsie xxx

[Hopalong]

You too, ((((Tupp)))!

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Went on a date this evening with a man I met online dating.  He was nice, I enjoyed myself but ................... I have realised that pretty much any man triggers memories of my step-dad.  I think I'm going to use this dating time as an opportunity to work through some of those issues.  Not quite sure how!  But will work on it.

[lighter]

Tupp:

How does it feel when you think of working through the sd issues?

You sound so very resolved, and calm about it.

Are you?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter

I feel more resigned than calm, I think? I feel sort of groggy today, which I know is 'stuff' whirring about.  My default process seems to be that I just feel yucky for a while until whatever it is that's actually bothering me surfaces and I can work on it a bit.  I think it's that realisation as well that all men have similarities to other men, just through being male, if that makes sense.  So the guy last night was polite, articulate, well educated and could hold a conversation.  No comparison there to my step-dad.  But his hairline was receeding - as it will be with any guy in his forties - and there was just a moment that he turned his head and for a second I saw my step-dad there and felt sick.  He had his sleeves rolled up and at one point in the night rolled them back down and did them up - second flashback.  And then he adjusted his position in his chair and again, I saw my step-dad there. 

I think I've, for some reason, had a thing in my mind that it just wouldn't be an issue eventually, and that as long as I dated guys who were polite and considerate they'd be different enough to him not to trigger me.  But now I'm thinking that any 'maleness' is going to trigger it at some point.  I did find a therapist who seemed good (on paper).  I've not booked an appointment with her yet but I'm thinking it might be a good idea to start seeing her alongside the dating so that I can work through issues as they are triggered.  The cost is worrying me slightly but equally I think it's money well spend and it won't be forever - I think I might do a six week block and then see where I stand.  And perhaps focus on simply dealing with the triggers and flashbacks rather than trying to 'cure' myself of him, which I think now might never happen.

Anyway - things to ponder on.  How are you feeling now after speaking to the attorney yesterday? xx

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with sd flashbacks, ((((Tupp)))).
So very sorry.

I hope there is a T process that can desensitize you to those memories (sound PTSD, so perhaps asking potential Ts if they can approach your treatment from the perspective of you being a PTSD child abuse survivor). And still allow trust to build with a trustworthy man, capable of love and loyalty. No, not capable of these. Motivated by them.

love
Hops