Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Tips for Boosting Self Esteem
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 29, 2016, 09:45:47 AM ---What a lovely day, Tupp 8)
Finding a volunteer opportunity sounds like a wonderful thing. When my 15yo gets back home she'll be required to find something that appeals to her. I'm guessing she'll choose the Manna Food bank, which my neighbor volunteers at weekly, so she could go with her to take me out of the loop, in case there's resistance..... always thinking ahead.
I don't know anything about volunteering to help Vets in homeless situations. Our school used to put on shows at the VA, which is a very tame affair requiring no more than determining who had teeth enough to handle cookies or donuts, patting arms, listening to stories and thanking brave men for their service. The missing limbs, and sad eyes make me weak, and weepy. I'm not good with medical stuff. You're a giant, Tupp.
I guess you'd be working with Vets in shelter situations?
The journey continues,
Lighter
--- End quote ---
It sounds like a really good set up, Lighter, they work with various groups who are homeless or at risk of becoming homeless and who also have other vulnerabilities, so veterans (usually suffering from PTSD, from the sound of things), adults with learning difficulties, people with substance abuse problems and so on. They have something like sheltered accommodation so there are staff on hand to help with all sorts of things from practical help with re-training and applying for jobs/college courses/benefits and so on but they also do a lot of therapy type activities, craft, art, sport and things like that. The opportunities to help out range from running courses and training programmes through to raising awareness by running stalls (like the one we went to today), befriending people who perhaps don't have family or friends to behind the scenes work in the offices and raising money through cake sales and so on. I've been thinking that raising awareness via stalls would be good for us to do, plus we could do some fund raising, maybe befriending and I thought I might be able to do some creative writing or a reading group or something like that? Or perhaps basic skills if there are people who need to improve their literacy? It seemed like a nice organisation.
I've often thought my boy would be good at a food bank because he loves lining stuff up! He'd be great at sorting things out and organising them :) It will be lovely for your D to get involved in that, I do think it's so good for kids to see that people do struggle sometimes and it's good to help them out :) x
Twoapenny:
I have started reading the healing section at the back of 'Healing The Shame That Binds You' (John Bradshaw). I think someone on here recommended it to me quite a while ago now; I have read and re-read it many times and I can see progress as I know there are bits that I can remember working on before that as I read through now are no longer a problem (or at least not to such an extent).
Something I've become aware of with the online dating is my mum's story of her affair with her husband (who was married to her best friend). According to my mum, their love was so strong they couldn't help themselves and he is her true soul mate. From my perspective they were both horribly selfish and he in particular just slept with anything that would let him and only moved in with my mum when his wife found out what was going on and threw him out. Their relationship is horribly empty, they both spend their evenings getting drunk and he had multiple affairs, all of which she turned a blind eye to, as well as abusing her kids. Horrible.
What's silly is that in my head I've realised I am waiting for 'the one'; the big, all consuming relationship where the birds sing and stars flash across the sky and thunderbolts ring out. I've been feeling rotten about the online dating and I've realised it's because the guy I've been chatting to, who I like the look and sound of, hasn't fallen over himself to chase or pursue me. He has asked me if I'd like to meet for a drink but it will be a couple of weeks before we're both available at the same time. He works, has two children who live with him half of the week and has a lot of hobbies. All of this is good, in my opinion, he's a good dad, responsible father, he holds down a good job and he's kept himself busy and sociable after his marriage breakup instead of sitting indoors drinking and getting bitter. These are all good things but I have found my already fragile self esteem has been screaming "he doesn't want you enough" because he hasn't dropped everything to arrange an evening together. It's weird how I've just been feeling odd about it but couldn't work out quite why and then it came to me earlier today. So I'm glad I've recognised it now, I've settled down about the whole thing and am now looking forward to going out with him at some point.
I've also realised, as I'm re-reading stuff about needing to be around non-shaming people (hello, board! :) ) that I have done the opposite and surrounded myself with shaming people; people who criticise, don't understand, don't listen and don't care. I think it fulfils my need to be unwanted and unloved and I can carry on being the victim and not have to risk getting out there and making some real relationships with real people. Zoiks. That's a bit of a bit one, feels a bit scary. But good to see it as well.
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past. I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time. You're right, you can often gage growth, and see where you're making new connections. I'm glad you're doing that for yourself. I haven't done much of it in recent years.
Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO. It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything. It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful. Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen. Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive. Whatever it is, you'll be OK.
::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags......
Not the first one.
I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating. Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life. Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them. Let them pass without emotion if you can. Leave them behind, Tupp. You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.
I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time. I think it's time for another colored marker; )
Thanks for sharing your journey. I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).
Light
ps When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 31, 2016, 08:58:39 AM ---Hi Tupp:
I also like to re read books that meant a lot to me in the past. I underline in different colors at different readings, and see what jumped out for me each time. You're right, you can often gage growth, and see where you're making new connections. I'm glad you're doing that for yourself. I haven't done much of it in recent years.
Calming yourself before meeting this new chap is a good thing, IMO. It's just a meal or coffee, and it doesn't have to BE anything. It's a lovely moment to meet and share, and practice being mindful. Remember not to share too much.... remember to listen. Ask the Hops questions..... "tell me about your mum," and keep things light and positive. Whatever it is, you'll be OK.
::looking Tupp dead in the cyber eye::
Don't dismiss red flags......
Not the first one.
I hope you can keep your mum and sd out of her your head regarding dating. Everything really. It's sad their ickiness colors anything in your life. Just try to observe those negative thoughts, and let them go by without grabbing hold of them. Let them pass without emotion if you can. Leave them behind, Tupp. You have permission to DO that for yourself... just start over, and let them go.
I read Bradshaw's THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU almost 30 years ago, for the first time. I think it's time for another colored marker; )
Thanks for sharing your journey. I love reading your updates, (((Tup))).
Light
ps When you land in your new nest please PM your new address so I can mail a housewarming gift.
--- End quote ---
That's so lovely of you, Lighter, thank you and I will :) x
The date never happened, he didn't call, it was okay though, I made the move and put myself out there a bit and it was fine, onwards and upwards as they say. I went out for the day with a friend during the week. I am looking at a new area to move to - this is all part of me improving my self esteem! I have given my situation with my son a lot of thought and I've been trying to pull out the different threads of what he wants and needs and what I want and need.
He is likely to need support throughout his adult life due to his neurological problems and he will need good, kind, emotionally healthy, balanced people around him to provide him with that. I realise that I have some issues around abandoning him that I need to work on a bit. I can't physically meet his needs for the rest of his life and even if I could, emotionally there will need to come a time when we aren't always together. So I've thought a lot more about the sort of area I want to live in and what I'd like to have more of in my life, and I've started looking for really good residential colleges in that area. It was a lovely day out and it's a really exciting, vibrant part of the country. It's a lot nicer than my current area :) So I'm going to work on that some more, spend some more time there and start setting my intentions in that area :)
lighter:
Wowsers, Tupp. You sound like you're experiencing amazing clarity and focus right now.
I love the idea of you moving to a better more vibrant area.... esp since it gets you away from the negative people you deserve to gain distance from, IMO.
Figuring out how you need to proceed for yourself, and your son, is wise and necessary. You're such a great mama..... I have chills reading your post.
((((Tupp and son)))
Spring is a lovely time of year to look for a new home.
Light
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