Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Hypnosis and the 20%
Ales2:
Thanks Hops for your comments and always wise words.
The irony for this boss though is probably that her good deeds towards the people she promoted have resulted in them surpassing her. She must be 55 now, no house, no kids, no husband, no travels, no awards. The "girl" who was 25, 10 years ago is now 35, a homeowner, Co- Exec Producer of an NBC top-10 rated show, married with a new baby, traveled to 15 countries in their first year of marriage and on hiatus. Her promotion was very useful and launched her career to the highest eschelons of the writing profession. There are at least three other such stories of former co-workers that she influenced with similar results (some even met their spouses in the place they were promoted to) and yet her own life is rather small and miserable. She never really helped the people who needed it, including herself.
This morning I decided again that I must have wanted her approval badly, at the time I alternatively cared when I started and didn't care when I saw things happen repetitively over time. I was sending a mixed message. I do think she looked past me for her own reasons, not entirely my actions. But, now that time has passed and things have panned out, maybe I should have cared more about her approval? Dont know. Maybe wanting that approval and simultaneously rebelling against it is a response to being a child of a N. Is it possible to not care about being accepted, but care about being promotable? Can those be different things?
This is where a really good therapist could help to sort this out. I know the past is over and I am equipped to move forward, but I still have doubts.
I decided this morning (when I try to get past something, I try to declare its over)
Hopalong:
Ales, I think this is very insightful:
Maybe wanting that approval and simultaneously rebelling against it is a response to being a child of a N.
Thank you,
Hops
Ales2:
Excellent point Hops. Very true.
Today, I got the "thats on you" response. I hate it when I get those...its true and I agree with it, but it invalidates my experience without any credit for what I went through. Basically, this is blaming the rape victim not for the rape, but for being drunk. I'm not responsible for how N Mom treated me, but I am responsible for I responded, (but also not true since I was groomed to respond that way). When people dont get it I just agree with them. No use trying to get them to come to my side on this.
Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes, being independent then having failed at it, the big mistake was not being more independent from an abusive, undermining parent. I did the best I could with what I had at the time and it was still not enough.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on August 05, 2016, 12:08:30 PM ---Excellent point Hops. Very true.
Today, I got the "thats on you" response. I hate it when I get those...its true and I agree with it, but it invalidates my experience without any credit for what I went through. Basically, this is blaming the rape victim not for the rape, but for being drunk. I'm not responsible for how N Mom treated me, but I am responsible for I responded, (but also not true since I was groomed to respond that way). When people dont get it I just agree with them. No use trying to get them to come to my side on this.
Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes, being independent then having failed at it, the big mistake was not being more independent from an abusive, undermining parent. I did the best I could with what I had at the time and it was still not enough.
--- End quote ---
I think "that's on you" is an easy cop out and one of those things that a lot of people say without thinking about the reality behind it. I found that growing up the way I did meant I went out into the adult world with an incredibly screwed up sense of what was normal and what was right and wrong. I had no boundaries, no idea of who I was, had quite possibly spent years in a semi permanent disassociative state. It meant I made an awful lot of mistakes and put myself in perilous situations over and over again. It's an interesting blurring of a boundary, I think, because yes, you're an adult and making your own decisions but actually in a lot of cases you're not, you're responding in a way you've been trained to from birth and a lot of the time you're not actually deciding for yourself at all. It's very hard when you realise you've been treated differently by someone in your adult life and natural to want to know why.
A slightly funny story on the 'that's on you' approach:
In the UK there's a guy called The Naked Rambler. He's an ex marine and, as his title suggests, he walks the length and breadth of the country naked. He gets arrested and imprisoned on a regular basis and more than once has walked out of jail, stripped off as soon as he's got out the door and been re-arrested again immediately. He's quite a character!
There was a documentary about him once and a crew filmed him and his girlfriend, who he'd only met fairly recently, walking naked around the country. He casually mentioned that his 'other' girlfriend would be joining them for the evening. The current girlfriend was very upset as she hadn't know there was more than one and didn't want to share and they filmed him very arrogantly telling her her feelings were her problem, it wasn't down to him to make her feel good, if you feel bad about this well, that's on you.
Next morning the crew film him stomping off in a very grumpy mood refusing to talk to anybody. It turned out that the new girlfriend had arrived - and decided she preferred the other girlfriend to him and spent the night with her and both women ignored him. It was hilarious to watch the girlfriend call out "well if you're upset that's on you" :)
It is frustrating when people don't get it. I must admit I mostly only talk about things on here now; I find real world responses just don't cut it anymore.
Ales2:
that was a funny story about that guy and his two girlfriends.
I did decide today that those statements can be neutralized, I don't have to feel negative or positive about them. That's a relief. Also have to say that it came from an alpha-male, they are already different than a woman, just the gender difference is one where we are taught to be nice /people pleasers instead of leaders/ go-getters.
Anyway, thanks I appreciate your comments of support.
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