Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Hypnosis and the 20%

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Hopalong:
Not to worry, Ales--I did feel appreciated!

I understand how frustrating it's been to not click with the right therapist, and at the same time, how much that validation and support matters.

Really hope this new approach will work for you.
I think hypnosis is miraculous.

Hoping for you,
Hops

Ales2:
Today was hellish.

I woke up this morning after having a nightmare where a previous boss hired another co-worker (from an entirely different different job) and lavished all sorts of promotions and praise on her while literally shoving me out of the way and interrupting and ignoring everything I said. Then somehow, we are all three in a car together and I am in the backseat. The other co-worker (who was mean, rude, selfish, dismissive and belittling in teh previous job) is in the passenger seat. Somehow, I manage to undo her seatbelt and shove her out of the moving vehicle. She gets hurt, but survives, kind of like working with this boss, everybody gets hurt, but survives.   

What kind of weird, subconscious meaning is behind this nightmare?  I was shaken all day by it. It tells me these people hurt me enough for me to want to hurt them back. Ouch. That is not my nature at all. My m.o. is more the resentful diplomat type.  :shock: :?

Hopalong:
Those are really hard feelings...resentment is vicious. I felt it so much toward Nboss during my job that it was poisoning me.

Envy is another (the undeserving coworker being rewarded).

Powerful dream, Ales. And respect to you for paying attention to it.

Please don't be spooked by my mentioning this...because I have spotted these things in myself from time to time. But envy can be associated with narcissistic stuff. Feeling intense envy, coupled with rage (which your dream-self was grappling with)...might be a signal of N traits to reckon with.

I've written here before about how I've found in myself at times, particularly during periods of great stress, what I call "Nspots." Types of thinking or reactions that if I looked closely enough to name them, I'd call narcissistic traits. They were modeled for me powerfully and they're in there. I think we all have the capacity for these to various degrees, and children of narcissists can be especially alarmed by any evidence of them.

One is resentment (cousin of envy). Another is entitlement (not frequent any more but I'd catch a train of thought on a parallel track to the resentment that fit the term). I found a trick that works really well to shut it down. Has been a good while since I've had that kind of thought...but here's the tip.

If a description of any of your trains of thought or feelings about another person could be started off with the phrase "How dare he..." or "How dare she..." -- that's a strong clue to entitlement, imo. (I made this up, but it feels true to me.)

When I was struggling with intense resentment (my Nmother, then Nboss)...that stuff was swirling. I was so horrified by it years back that I asked my therapist over and over, am I a narcissist? Mercifully, I finally believed him. I'm not. (He said, the pure agony you feel at even the prospect of occasional N-ish thoughts? It's the opposite.)

But I WAS raised by one. And he said it's not uncommon to internalize some of the damage by now and then manifesting some of the traits.

It can give you chills to "Nspot." I told my T I was playing whack-a-mole with anything in myself that reminded me of narcissism. He said, and that's it. The difference is that when you experience moments of that toxicity in yourself, you WHACK it. You name it, own it, and wrestle with it until you find your way to a healthier way of feeling.

Otherwise, I think something like Buddhism, or anything that emphasizes compassion, is the kind of practice that heals that stuff. I even managed compassion for Nboss and Nbrother at times. By the end of Nmom's life, I was all the way there for her.

Lastly, with powerful or disturbing dreams I always remember what a professor said once--"There is no such thing as a nightmare. All dreams are your subconscious processing hopes or fears, and trying to signal you to take care of your inner life."

Your dream showed you envy and rage and entitlement, and where they can go (inside, not that you'd act them out) if they remain unhealed.

Good for you for noticing. Good for you for naming. Good for you for how disturbed you felt by it. (I don't know but I wonder whether severe narcissists would even have such a dream or much less, be so perturbed by it....)

Hops

Ales2:
Thanks Hops for your very interesting thoughts and analysis of my nightmare. I do think there are some N traits in there and when I recognize them it concerns me and I go back to the low self esteem me. I think that being treated unfairly (its not just that she got the promotions and the praise, he actively diminished me, even if she had not been there he would be a horrible boss to work for)  is universal - i.e not simply an N trait, when people are cooperative adn seek win-win situations (I achieve my work objectives, company pays me and gives more responsibilities for me to contribute more, thus earn more) the abusers become very obvious very quickly and the win/win types can find a new position quickly, probably because they excel at their job, without waiting for approval from the boss.

When re-reading it, what I found was that the co-worker is actually a victim too, she is only hurt (by me) because of how she was treated by the NBoss and my reaction to that treatment. He is in a sense, using her, just as he is abusing me and in the end, the pain is directed not at him but at her. Its like he deflects and protects himself. Now THAT is the part that is really sinister here.

Your suggestions were great Hops, thank you. It was also helpful to post here and acknowledge these feelings because I know I would get positive feedback and not feel judged. Posting here  made them feel less scary and more normal considering what I have been though over time and time again.  My sense is there would only be something truly wrong with me if I acted on these feelings or seemed comfortable with them. So, I think I am good, they were subconscious thoughts, not thoughts I chose to think about. 

Thank you!

Hopalong:
You're welcome!

Now, how do we get your old Nboss and my old Nboss together in a locked cage?

 :mrgreen:

Then again, Ns deserve actual compassion. Like tigers do. From a very safe distance and without any delusions about their nature.

(Pretty cool that on review, you discovered compassion for the coworker and also recognized how projectioN and maNipulation were parts of that scene...)

Hops

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