Hypnosis and the 20%

[Ales2]

Thanks Hops for your comments and always wise words.

The irony for this boss though is probably that her good deeds towards the people she promoted have resulted in them surpassing her. She must be 55 now, no house, no kids, no husband, no travels, no awards.  The "girl" who was 25, 10 years ago is now 35, a homeowner, Co- Exec Producer of an NBC top-10 rated show, married with a new baby, traveled to 15 countries in their first year of marriage and on hiatus.  Her promotion was very useful and launched her career to the highest eschelons of the writing profession. There are at least three other such stories of former co-workers that she influenced with similar results (some even met their spouses in the place they were promoted to) and yet her own life is rather small and miserable. She never really helped the people who needed it, including herself.

This morning I decided again that I must have wanted her approval badly, at the time I alternatively cared when I started and didn't care when I saw things happen repetitively over time. I was sending a mixed message. I do think she looked past me for her own reasons, not entirely my actions. But, now that time has passed and things have panned out, maybe I should have cared more about her approval? Dont know.  Maybe wanting that approval and simultaneously rebelling against it is a response to being a child of a N. Is it possible to not care about being accepted, but care about being promotable? Can those be different things?   

This is where a really good therapist could help to sort this out.  I know the past is over and I am equipped to move forward, but I still have doubts.


I decided this morning  (when I try to get past something, I try to declare its over)

[Hopalong]

Ales, I think this is very insightful:

Maybe wanting that approval and simultaneously rebelling against it is a response to being a child of a N.

Thank you,
Hops

[Ales2]

Excellent point Hops. Very true.

Today, I got the "thats on you" response.  I hate it when I get those...its true and I agree with it, but it invalidates my experience without any credit for what I went through. Basically, this is blaming the rape victim not for the rape, but for being drunk. I'm not responsible for how N Mom treated me, but I am responsible for I responded, (but also not true since I was groomed to respond that way). When people dont get it I just agree with them. No use trying to get them to come to my side on this.

Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes, being independent then having failed at it, the big mistake was not being more independent from an abusive, undermining parent. I did the best I could with what I had at the time and it was still not enough.

[Twoapenny]

Excellent point Hops. Very true.

Today, I got the "thats on you" response.  I hate it when I get those...its true and I agree with it, but it invalidates my experience without any credit for what I went through. Basically, this is blaming the rape victim not for the rape, but for being drunk. I'm not responsible for how N Mom treated me, but I am responsible for I responded, (but also not true since I was groomed to respond that way). When people dont get it I just agree with them. No use trying to get them to come to my side on this.

Yeah, I made a lot of mistakes, being independent then having failed at it, the big mistake was not being more independent from an abusive, undermining parent. I did the best I could with what I had at the time and it was still not enough.

I think "that's on you" is an easy cop out and one of those things that a lot of people say without thinking about the reality behind it.  I found that growing up the way I did meant I went out into the adult world with an incredibly screwed up sense of what was normal and what was right and wrong.  I had no boundaries, no idea of who I was, had quite possibly spent years in a semi permanent disassociative state.  It meant I made an awful lot of mistakes and put myself in perilous situations over and over again.  It's an interesting blurring of a boundary, I think, because yes, you're an adult and making your own decisions but actually in a lot of cases you're not, you're responding in a way you've been trained to from birth and a lot of the time you're not actually deciding for yourself at all.  It's very hard when you realise you've been treated differently by someone in your adult life and natural to want to know why.

A slightly funny story on the 'that's on you' approach:

In the UK there's a guy called The Naked Rambler.  He's an ex marine and, as his title suggests, he walks the length and breadth of the country naked.  He gets arrested and imprisoned on a regular basis and more than once has walked out of jail, stripped off as soon as he's got out the door and been re-arrested again immediately.  He's quite a character!

There was a documentary about him once and a crew filmed him and his girlfriend, who he'd only met fairly recently, walking naked around the country.  He casually mentioned that his 'other' girlfriend would be joining them for the evening.  The current girlfriend was very upset as she hadn't know there was more than one and didn't want to share and they filmed him very arrogantly telling her her feelings were her problem, it wasn't down to him to make her feel good, if you feel bad about this well, that's on you.

Next morning the crew film him stomping off in a very grumpy mood refusing to talk to anybody.  It turned out that the new girlfriend had arrived - and decided she preferred the other girlfriend to him and spent the night with her and both women ignored him.  It was hilarious to watch the girlfriend call out "well if you're upset that's on you"

It is frustrating when people don't get it.  I must admit I mostly only talk about things on here now; I find real world responses just don't cut it anymore.

[Ales2]

that was a funny story about that guy and his two girlfriends. 

I did decide today that those statements can be neutralized, I don't have to feel negative or positive about them.  That's a relief. Also have to say that it came from an alpha-male, they are already different than a woman, just the gender difference is one where we are taught to be nice /people pleasers instead of leaders/ go-getters.

Anyway, thanks I appreciate your comments of support.

[Ales2]

About that 20%. 

Ive said before that in the last couple of years, I have lost my direction in life and have been aimless. The 20% that has been a problem is the resilience and determination, sometimes the effects of Nism. I always prided myself on my ability to bounce back, to be down but never out and come back and regain my position. It hasn't happened this time, for many reasons, financial loss/independence, bad T, my own loss of direction, lack of emotional support/encouragement from family and an overall feeling of defeat and despair and focusing on the problem has been disempowering.

Im feeling much better, regaining my independence, sense of direction, ignoring the lack of support and feeling a state of resilience and determination by focusing on solutions instead of trying to resolve problems (Nism is a problem that can't be solved, it can only be managed or avoided).  Slowly making a comeback and hoping for accelerated success.

[Ales2]

And just today, the strangest thing happened. 

My former bad-T published his new book. After five books with NY publishers he had to self publish through Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.  Thats kind of a blow to someone already published.

In the Introduction, he talks about a period of profound depression and despair, his kids not speaking to him, his ex-wife married his ex-best friend (after he introduced them at a book signing), his girlfriend kicked him out of her house and he lived in a limbo in a local hotel for months,  he was having serious financial problems, and then having emergency hip replacement surgery.  His world crashed and burned.  Yet he continued to treat patients. 

During that time,  I was a patient and trying to make sense of my own losses and disappointments and struggles. Truth is, he was in no position to be helping anyone and he certainly did not help me. I have said before that I left more confused and depressed than when I started and felt emotionally and financially exploited. I remember the hip surgery quite well, when he was out of the office for about 3 weeks (thats OK,not knocking that) but its a reference point that tells me I was a patient during a time he probably should not have been treating patients, but he needed the money rather badly.

I always questioned why he was not able to help me, and now I KNOW.  I felt a real sense of relief.
It wasn't entirely about me. Sad to say, I lost trust in therapists after this experience and now can see I had good reason to be skeptical about his intentions and abilities.

I emailed him today the following:
I was just given your new book. What a lightning rod that was. Reality is that you were no position to be treating patients when you had your own personal emotional and financial meltdown going on. You emotionally and financially exploited me during that time, and left me more confused and depressed than when I started. You then provided me with a false diagnosis as a defense and in retaliation to my complaints.   Nowhere in your book does it mention Integrity or Professional Responsibility. Get some.

Needless to say, I felt very liberated this morning.

[Hopalong]

Hi Ales,
I'm glad you have found validation for your disappointing, and indeed damaging, experience with that wounded, inadequate therapist. I can imagine the relief.

I was once greatly damaged by a T who had lost perspective, too. He urged me to hurry up and marry my ex, to "get the anxiety behind you" when I had clearly told him that my inner voice was saying--this is too fast, I feel pressured into this marriage, etc. The reality was that he allowed his fundamentalist mindset to overrule my concern over my wellbeing. I think it literally deafened him to me. I was sexually active, and his religious beliefs caused him to close his ears and pressure me to override the authentic inner voice that was trying to warn me I might be doing something toxic if I submitted to my fiance's pressure.

This T was SO uncomfortable with a single female who was sexually active and unashamed about it that he shoved me into making a decision that was unequivocally BAD for me. I didn't then have the strength to defend my own inner wisdom though I'd tried. It was one of the biggest disasters of my life.

He'd had a sister he labeled "promiscuous" and told me AFTER the wedding night verbal abuse and heartbreaking "honeymoon" that I reminded him of her. (He was way off, just unnerved by my frankness). The kicker/exploitative piece, for me, was that after my entire course of life had been run off the rails, he offered a weak and tepid apology and then SENT ME A BILL. I was outraged enough to write to him, as you have done, to tell him in no uncertain terms that he had actively harmed me, and that I owed him not one cent. And that in fact he owed me a lot more and I never wanted to hear from him again. That worked.

In hindsight, after thinking for a long time about his inner confusion, and the reasons why he was that way, I came to feel that it was irrelevant to keep up the blame. I did blame him and do find him responsible. But...I had to let it go. Eventually, I did. If I saw him on the street now I'd respond with kindness. He wasn't a bad person or intentionally exploitative. He was just dealing with the disconnects in his own mind, and they were destructive to me.

I am really glad you've had this closure, Ales.

Hops