ART - all my feeling about it right now

[Meh]

Today I might try to write. First I think I need to go get myself some coffee because there is none in the house.

Was on skype and wrote this to a friend who mainly only replies with comments about beer:

"I had an extreme bought of depression and I wrote very deeply about my family background issues and in that I feel like I released a lot of the stimulus that made me paint."

[Meh]

I'm thinking about how when I first started writing here I noticed there were operating characters that were like part of my psyche or consciousness. There was the Misses To-Do list.

Right now I just asked myself what is Misses To-Do list now in my life and if she is actually causing me problems.

[Meh]

Coffee, bagel in my stomach and I'm just tired. There is a spare room here that hasn't even been used in this someone's investment property. I could have painted in it, could have made use of the space but it's not my house.

Not have a proper space has been difficult for me personally, which is maybe some type of excuse. Some people don't need a space such as graffiti artists

Last three days I managed a binge of art related expeditions. Since today is a holiday I just stayed home and am looking at an artists work on-line (El Anatsui).

Staying home is a drain, it doesn't rejuvenate me.

In the past I preferred oil painting, it does require a space. Ventilation. Drying time. Even privacy. You don't really want someone feigning interest because they are bored and have nothing better to do than get in your way. 

[Meh]

On some level I think I have started to despise art. Or despise the idea of making art. At this point I think it is symbolic of me being a failure.

[Meh]

also when I consider it on one hand I think I was emotionally unhealthy and not happy when I was deeply into art

maybe art doesn't make me happy, maybe I have outgrown the young woman's obsession with beautiful THINGS

[Meh]

I would almost make non-thinking art to spite that aspect of my mind that wants to over think everything

[Meh]

wallowing in despair soup isn't going to accomplish anything or could be that there are a few things that need to get off my chest idk

[Meh]

So much for writing. My attention is split in too many directions. It's sort of a cold night here, doing laundry listening to fire works in the distance, I should probably go look for them. I guess I will go now.

Lots to hear but nothing to see from where I am at.

Today I looked at some local meet up groups on line. Sort of playing with the idea of trying them out.

[Meh]

Made it into the city today for the purpose of another art intake outing. Went well enough. Made it to only three galleries, which is really quite enough. There are more though I would have to get an earlier start on the day, always plan to leave but then I am slow in the morning so I get out of the house late.

There are some galleries in a crappy part of town, always homeless and lots of druggies out and if you read or listen to the news it's the area where a lot of crap happens. It's worth navigating and circumventing, rather walking straight into and through it. I'm such a wimp, it's really a bit of a deterrent. Why oh why must art galleries be in the shittiest neighborhood.

So next weekend perhaps I will make it there.

Today I stuck to the three. There were paintings, ceramics. Not sure what I am looking for. Think I am trying to just enrich myself after a void. I get a bit of enjoyment out of art, it's not the visceral spine tingling response I used to get.

Also looked for public art around town, lots of large outdoor sculptures in the city to be found. I'm definitely moving away from paintings into a different interest, can't quite put my finger on it.

my mind wants to get all tangled up and involved, judge and protest, even now I am telling my messy brain to relax, just experience without expectation

[Meh]

Day after which was Sunday made plan to meet coworker for a museum. Arrived and a young woman came out to greet us immediately handing complementary tickets for a future visit because the museum was closed. Inquired why and she didn't appear to be free to tell us the details, perhaps toilet sewage over flow, a death in the facility, my imagination wonders. The outside of the building looks like the facade is decorated by leak stains waterfalling all around the perimeter of the building. So another day for that outing. Trying to gauge if there is any noticeable change to my spirt, soul, depression, intellect. Certainly I still feel totally worn down on the inside. Makes me wonder how worn down I really am on the outside.

Alternative idea was to go to a botanical garden we had not been to, so it was a day of a minor new discovery, had a nice visit to the garden, wasn't floored but then again I am hard to impress. It was nice to get out and socialize. The impact of socializing only lasts me about one day though, the next day I am back to feeling rather lonely again. The event was slightly under stimulating to me for some reason, I almost feel that I must focus on the other person I am with rather than enjoying the place. Considering that maybe company is for cafes and bars. Maybe next time we will just go out for coffee. It didn't occur to me that I walk fast and furious and other people don't. I can change my pace for others yet maybe I am finding the need to separate me time and together time differently. I almost have to go to a museum hours prior to meeting up with someone so that I can more thoroughly take in everything without being distracted. Am already looking forward to next weekend to start.     

[Meh]

Went to another art museum today, long day tired, lonely, at least I got out of the house. Activity is definitely a way to forget being lonely for a while.