Exploring resistence

[lighter]

Lately I've been paying very close attention to what I'm getting out of some negative patterns I've identified for myself.

Hops.... putting off paperwork, for example.  What I get is avoiding the emotional upheaval of dealing with details and people, some incompetent or misinformed people.
 All. 
Those. 
Details.

I have a distinct and marked aversion to conflict also....... I think that's part of the equation, plus there are other things I'd rather be doing, of course.

What would I gain IF I handled each piece of paper as it arrived?  A lot, and I get that.  I stand to gain more than I would lose..... It's just that organizing paperflow isn't my strong suit.... but I'm working on it; )

Things are under control right now, not perfect, but I have the choice of creating new habits, or repeat old ones, I see that very clearly.

I have travel for school in October, and planning a Haunted House, and travel at the end of this month, and DD15 visiting again in October so making positive changes will have a huge impact, IMO, and I'm cutting myself lots of slack....

new systems don't have to be "perfect" just in place, and mindfully tended to... imperfectly tended to that is.  I see where having to have things "perfect"  has paralyzed my ability to respond/act in the past, and I want to cut that pattern down, and replace replace replace.

Caring for the dog feels better than it ever has right now, which is a relief.  Youngest dd pitches in without complain when asked.... again.  It's a relief.   My youngest dd14 is on top of school, achieving, turning in work ahead of time, and knocking out cool artsy projects we plan and share..... she gets up on her own, giving herself 2 hours to do whatever it is she needs to do in the morning.

For me that means she's forming proactive habits that make it possible for her to feel in control of her own life, and prepared as she enters her day/week.  Her teachers placed her into some AP classes she didn't expect to be in this year... she's never wanted to be in AP classes..... she's conflicted about this. She resents the extra work, for instance, and this morning expressed some negative feelings.  I  said "but you're brilliant and capable of the work" and her response was "but I feel they're prosecuting me"...
very funny bc she meant she feels they're "weeding out the smart kids."  On some level she's elevated the "superstar" overachiever kids above her abilities, which makes her doubt herself. 

She's very funny, and quirky, and you never know what she's going to say, lol.   

My oldest will be 16yo soon.  Our visit was nice, and she's growing, and making progress..... 2 steps forward, and all that.  Changing old patterns is so difficult.  For some years I responded to my children out of habit.... I wasn't growing as a parent, but attending to them as younger children at that younger child level.... just surviving some of the trime frankly.... no time or energy to research the next age appropriate phase, and how to meet it/deal with it. 

I have to identify my part in dd15's patterns, and that means I'm dealing with things I haven't been able to deal with yet.... from the past 16 years really.   It feels like I'm moving fast, and in the right direction... like it's time to deal with this stuff, and I'm ready.  The legal stuff is ending, and other doors are opening.   All three of us are benefitting.... it's good, IMO.

If anyone here deals with Iron deficiencies, or suspects same they may want to see about an Iron IV.  When I look at my ability to focus, shift into observer mode, and attend to problems with less emotion I see the BIT and the IV as the two major likely contributing factor in recent months. 

I'm just this side of dreading fall bc of three major leaf blowing sessions ahead of me, but the dread isn't materializing like it did last fall.  I have a 3 phase plan of what to do, and am actually looking forward to being active in the cooler temperatures. 

I'm looking forward to the Amazon firepit, and sharing it with others. It's a good thing. 

It's a new thing; )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

My resistance takes a little different form Lighter.

I resist doing what I know I should, to take care of myself. Give me things to do for someone else, and I'm all over it. I buy yogurt, put in the fridge until it's past it use by date; throw it out... rinse & repeat. I finally stopped buying yogurt.

Give me something complex & difficult and I'll make short work of it -- UNLESS it's something that really benefits me. That taboo is still there; the magical thinking that if I allow myself this one thing... something bad will happen. It's negative magical thinking; the flip side of "if I'm really really good Santa will bring the pony I want".

And at the moment, I'm resisting getting on with this move. Of being the active force in letting go my "nest" here... at my favorite time of year no less. Resisting calling in the troops - with offers from near & far that they will be here. It's not simply being tired & needing a break; there is a strong emotional pull to let myself get totally absorbed in various "wastes of time"; to "not think" and even for a time - let myself forget "me" altogether and just be "in a story" - either film or book.

I've gotten very good at standing in the middle of my great space... turning 360 and looking at this thing that needs to be done, then that one, and then move on to this... before I do x, y, & z. Until it's lunch time and then, well... I need a rest. And before I've really gotten my motivation going again, well it's mid-afternoon and time to get the mail... and now it's dinnertime.

It's much less perfectionism, planning, distaste, or even questioning my ability to accomplish what I set out to do. And despite my noticing that I always feel better when I have crossed a big chunk of things off my list... and my ability "to do" expands... there is this whiny seriously needy little child demanding that someone else do it and take care of her at the very same time. Or she'll get mad or cry... and that will REALLY make bad things happen.

The visual chaos caused by piles of boxes & packing supplies lights up the anxiety fire. So does, leaving this place... for someone who moved 7 times in 5 years without a second thought; shouldering the actual work myself; I'm not overjoyed at this move. I'm not planning ahead for the new place either. I'm simply taking all my "stuff" and plunking it there... and then, later on... figuring out where things will go. I am still purging; sorting. And trying to find a timeline that I can reasonably expect to be ready -- for the people I will need to help me do this; do this for me.

Physically; emotionally - I now have my doubts about being able to meet any selected deadline. I don't know when I'll be so tired, I'm starting to hurt myself... or this "resistance" will strike. I have gone past that point several times lately; I don't recognize that I'm getting there - my attention is all on "doing" and continuing to move. Until I hit the wall. Smash. Crash. Bench that player and we don't know when they'll be able to return to the game.

I suspect this is all some kind of deeper level "firmware" feedback loop that ran a bunch of sub-programs. I've cleaned up a lot of the sub-programs, but the main "bug" still exists in the programs and throws a "fault" which crashes the whole system because there are still artifacts floating around that simulate the same "if, then..." scenario of the deeper level bug. Like a single character typo in a line of code.

[lighter]

(((((sKeP))))))

I agree it might be a feedback loop running in the background.

That's one of the subjects I'm studying, among several. 

I do know one thing..... this difficult time in your life will pass, IME. 

Soon enough you'll  be in your new home planning a barn, and wondering where you'll put your easel, IMO.   

Please be very mindful with your joints, and muscles.   As they say.... you will miss them when they're gone, so be careful while you still can.

Again, less is more.  Take only those things that bring you joy.  Let the kids have family things you want to pass on... let them go now if you can.

You don't have to take everything, or anything maybe.  You don't have to do anything, in fact.  Sit with the fear, and the tension and whatever is driving you. 

Take out all the "shoulds" and "have to" and see where you end up.

((((Amber))))  Sending you permission to rest, and do less than you believe you must. 

What do you really need now?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Poignant, real issues...Lighter and PR both.
I'm sorry I've been so unhelpful lately.
(New PT job with hopes for a FT one. TIRED. Or, Southernly, tard tard...)

NOT for this thread. I'll start one mebbe this weekend and fill y'all in.

Meanwhile, though, I hear Lighter's cautious struggle with the shape of being, how to be safe in balance and beauty and getting it All Right.

And Amber's almost opposite struggle, to let the Shit Hit Fan where it wants to, so she can breaaathe.

Let me just wish both of you, expansive peace, dropped shoulders, tension inexplicably flowing down your arms and out your fingers and even for a moment, just one, it's gone.

It's all...just stuff.

The perfection and processes and plans...the chaos and loss and piled boxes.

It's all stuff, and where your hearts are is maybe rocked and bruised but still glows.

love
Hops

[lighter]

There you are ((Hops.))

Please do catch us up when you get a moment.

Your post was lovely, btw. 

Light

[Meh]

It's taken me ten months to print out my temporary medical card onto a piece of paper because I have no idea if the actual one ever came, printed it today. It's extremely neglectful. I pay insurance, I don't use it.

Maybe it falls beyond the category of procrastination, maybe this is on the cusp of crazy. When I procrastinate on things, it's often related to anxiety, fear or discouragement of some sort.



PR>  " for someone who moved 7 times in 5 years ".

That is a lot of moving. I sort of feel like if I never had to move ever again or for the next ten years I would be happy.

[lighter]

I've finished the first part of my training, and now focus on case studies.  The plan is to move through this as quickly as can be managed.

The science of restoring blood and energy flow to disrupted pathways in the midbrain, limbic system, and neocortex, (damaged from trauma/perceived trauma), is a quick explanation of the work. 

I've been aware of this missing piece of the puzzle since I was in my early twenties.

It's priceless, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the possibilities. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

As it comes clear to you, I hope you can put your interpretation of it here, Lighter. It sounds very helpful. That little bit of it makes absolute sense to me, btw.

[lighter]

Adventures in home ownership......

I rubbed moss off my house shingles then blew the gutters out yesterday.

 Ahhh.... fall.

 Again.

The roof's about as steep as can be traversed, so I was happy to be down and blowing leaves for a while.

The pest guy was out last week and screwed flashing over a woodpecker's hole in the siding wayyyy up high...... the woodpecker was undeterred and back peck peck pecking the next day on two new holes just above the covered one. 

About 3 days ago a second  woodpecker started a hole on the opposite side of the house.  I've been running from side to side, banging, yelling and scaring them away, but they just come back SO...

this morning I figured out how to extend my Little Giant Ladder to it's longest length and covered the second hole with flashing.  Then I made very shiny art projects I screwed to the house below the existing pecker holes in hopes of chasing them away for good, but..... there's so much more house for them to work on.

    

::Imagining my house covered in pie pans, Mylar balloons and shiny silver duct tape mobiles::

 

My ladder won't go but so high, so.... I might be back on the roof hanging shiny blowy things from up there next. 

The honey bees and flying squirrels were sort of charming,  but I am so over these little wood peckers! 

How is fall treating everyone else this year?  I have to say it's beautiful weather,  but we need rain. 

My case studies are coming along.... everyone I've worked on is reporting relief, and booking more appointments.   I'm confident enough to begin focusing on efficiency, and economy of motion. 

DD14 begins a week of Feldenkrais neuro movement instruction for problems with her knee and jaw soon.  We're pretty excited about it, and I'll keep the board updated. 
 

Lighter
 

[lighter]

I have three client appointments today.   Tow I've worked on recently.

Today I'll be able to move quickly and efficiently through the sessions bc my youngest dd helped me hone tecniques I've been struggling with.  She's had the protocol performed on her in it's entirety,  and pointed out things I'd forgotten about.... very helpful to me.

There are some physical symptoms I've experienced that I'm curious about..... I think I've been overloading circuits and it causes my hands to feel as though I've been clapping very hard... tinging and stinging.  Not painful, but baffling and a little annoying. 

The third client is preparing Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow, in a tizzy,  and struggling with what is likely the last months of her h's struggle with cancer.   I'll work with him too if he's feeling up to it.

Wish me luck.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

::Imagining my house covered in pie pans, Mylar balloons and shiny silver duct tape mobiles::

Me too!  I like it a lot.

So happy to hear you're enjoying the healing art (massage? what type?) you've learned, Lighter. That's wonderful.

Hops

[lighter]

Hi Hops:

So the original woodpecker offender is back, bc the wind stopped and my shiny mobile isn't moving any longer.   

I deployed the two shiny Mylar balloons I bought just in case, and.....
 woodpecker went away, but for how long I can't be sure as the both balloons are no longer floating.  I'll deal with that soon... maybe tack the balloons at the roof line so they blow over the holes. 

About the healing system......... think quantum physics, opposed to scalpels/pharmaceuticals, which is how present day medicine operates.

This system was created by a woman who mapped the brain, and figured out how to access pathways to make corrections in blood and energy flow, esp regarding the two hemispheres of the brain.....
downloading new information that replaces old information in the brain..... sort of. 

Her background is in neuroscience and psychology with focus on learning disabilities, old emotional patterns that are no longer serving, muscle reactivation (the body deactivates muscles when injured to prohibit further injury) and allergies among other things.

On a separate note, I took dd14 to her second appointment with a local neuro touch practitioner.  I learned about neuro touch from another student attending the BIT class with me.  If you google Feldenkrais
http://www.feldenkrais.com/whatis
and Anat Baniel Method
http://www.anatbanielmethod.com/  it will help explain, but..... we didn't understand it till dd was on the table.

Some of DD's joints weren't being engaged bc her brain didn't know they were there..... at the end of the first appointment dd said that her entire body felt like "water" where before the right side only felt like water, and the left side felt like "bricks."  To give you a tiny example.... while standing up, dd's right toes could be lifted off the floor by the practitioner, but the toes on the left foot cold not.  Same with the balls of the feet.   That was basically the story all the way up to where her spine meets her skull....Where the ribs on dd's left side were frozen, they now move freely like the ribs on her right side. 

DD carried the weight of her torso behind her,  which put tremendous pressure on all her joints.... now she's learning to align her skeleton so that all the muscles and bones do the jobs they were designed to do..... and this means less struggle, pain and symptoms like her knee cap popping out of place which is why we sought treatment in the first place.

The main body of work is done utilizing very small movements that train the brain to engage and open pathways responsible for that work.... last night,  for instance, did an exercise while on her back bending the right knee up so her foot was flat on the table, pushing out her stomach and slowly lifting her right hip a few inches while FEELING everything she was doing.  The practitioner brought DD's attention to how that felt, then had her feel how doing it with her stomach pulled in felt, and how it effected strength, range of motion, and ease of movement in activities involved in that correction.  It's deep, and my dd is profoundly awed by what she's learning about herself, and the positive impact it will have on here life.

More about what I'm learning and practical application....
 this morning I woke up to a dream about my late mother.  It was the kind of dream that would normally haunt me for one or two days, and generally send pangs of adrenaline and sadness through my body over and over again.

I took 15 minutes to do a balance on myself, which requires accessing brain pathways while recalling the troubling emotions involved, then performing a gentle hold on the forehead and occipital bone at the base of my skull.   

I haven't had one moment of sadness or recall of that dream so far today.  This is freedom we could all benefit from, IME.

How are you doing, Hops?

Lighter



 

[lighter]

The woodpecker came back over Thanksgiving and pecked another nesting hole into the house.  I've decided to just let him stay r since he's determined, AND protected.  This way he won't peck more holes, and especially holes higher than my ladder can reach.   

I finished blowing the yard yesterday, and that was good cause it rained this morning. 

Youngest dd and I made toffee for teachers.  They have ribbons and are ready to be delivered.  Beautiful poison, if you believe sugar is poison.   

I have a strange situation with a client who struggles with bi polar he's heavily medicated for, and what he describes as being an N in the past, but now he's cured.  I asked if he had a dx for the N, and he said "No, but from what I've read I had it, and now I don't."

I have to say.... I've been speechless around him... a lot.  More than I care to admit.  His energy is BIG.  Like... if Rodney Dangerfield and Trump had a baby BIG.   This means he's been making statements about how I feel, as though he has any idea at all, and basing his actions, usaully trying to change my very clear NO into a YES, on them.   I'm feeling fairly gobsmacked when he does that in the face of my clarifications to the contrary.  In writing.  I view this as disrespectful, and aggressive.... a huge red flag. 

I'm paying close attention to how I've failed to enforce very clear boundaries I set in the past.  It's not comfortable.  It will be such a relief to state and enforce boundaries going forward sans angst.  I'm working on it.

I pay attention to the way I speak and what I say in general now.
Empath might as well be written across my forehead, and golly......
 maybe "take my time, kick me, and disrespect me and I'll make you feel pretty OK about it" too.   

"Peacemaker", and " Has LARGE aversion to conflict" could be written on forehead as well.  This is worrisome, and I notice I have an easier time handling people with smaller energy.  I'm capable of speaking with authority and resolve, but things change I notice when I'm speaking to people likely to engage in conflict and esp those likely to escalate into hostile communication and actions....  it's easier to stand up for others than myself. 

I think I'm having a difficult time distinguishing people who will escalate and those who won't, and it's all triggering frankly.  I'm very triggered by people who have stomped my boundaries in the past, no doubt.   

The only logical answer is avoidance, IME.  We can't avoid all the cluster Bs all of the time.   How to just handle it, and remain above it, not affected by it.....

Resistance again. 

Learning to respond without hesitation and without emotion is necessary.  To remain flat, not argue...... that's the key I guess.  Empaths care what others think.... too much, IME.   We want to help others, and that's always a problem with Bs, IME.  Learning how to make medium chill second nature is difficult.  It's hard to turn it off once it's on sometimes too, IME.  It can be limiting in the world... make it hard to trust, and let people in.  I'm just talking this through, bc I haven't really visited it top to bottom yet.   

There should be psych 101 classes in middle school explaining healthy boundary setting and enforcement.  My kiddos are so much wiser, better equipped, and attuned than I ever was.   

Oldest dd is focusing on her relationship with me, and I'm focusing on how I relate to her.   She's getting straight As, is caught up in all assignments, and motivated to do well in school/research careers and Universities.  She's very busy with her music, art, and social activities.  Since she's in this really good place I notice how much better I'm feeling.  This time last year we were really struggling.

My course is going OK, and I have a week of case studies set up.     

That's my update. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

YIKERS, Lighter. I related to so much of that.

Do you feel obligated to continue to serve this potentially dangerous at worst and deeply triggering at least...client?

Were advice needed, which I doubt it is...how does a practitioner or massage or any other similar therapy (still not certain what credential you're training for) cut off relationship to a client who's inappropriate for them?

I totally get what you're saying about this person and find it very disturbing. Moreso, because in the healing/selfless/helping professions, there's such an assumption that the patient or client's wellbeing comes first always.

What do you think? Is there an exit strategy with a client like that?

He's waving a bouquet of red flags in my face.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well..... I guess I've just assumed I'll serve uncomfortably while re stating boundaries he pretends to get but doesn't. 

There are no good solutions.  He's a new member of my closest friend group.

If he could respect a boundary that would solve the issue.  He likely can't.   

I wonder if it would benefit me to have the "If you step over this boundary again I'll know you don't value me as a friend and caregiver so will end the association" chat?

A social nightmare.

He's smart enough to get it.  It's his ego that makes it difficult. 

Lighter