new job story

[Hopalong]

I'm trying to be patient and I am kind.
Sometimes I do get frustrated...her childlike texts
sent AFTER she's supposed to be at a meeting,
full of excuses...drive me up the wawl.

I just want to say, please don't stop to type
me silly updates...use that energy to get to
your CAR! But I don't. I know she is coping with
a whole lot with as much grace as she can.

And I'm dragging her to our first mutual meeting
with the SCORE mentors tomorrow, which she'd
resisted a ton. So that's a relief, she's agreed to go.

Business is building, lots of detailed dialogues with
materials suppliers as we design our prototypes,
and pretty soon we'll have some in production.
Saw a guy about an e-commerce site build today.
Working on improving her ads which are not serving
her business well. We've planned a big sale for Dec.

Sometimes I react badly to the dungeony office but
I do get out. And they're flexible about those things,
way different from the former place where Nboss
sabotaged people's attempts to do self care.

All in all it's still odd as heck, but mostly interesting.
I really like the process of creating something new
where I can contribute so much. If she manages
the loans and the money works, well, it could
make retirement easier.

Just in case it's doomed, however, my plan is to
frugal my little butt to bits while I'm FT, as long as
that lasts. House paid off, emergency fund replenished,
savings set aside for replacement vehicle and HVAC.
Once I meet those milestones I'll feel that home is
secure for the duration. And I'll invest what's left.
And still hope to take a trip with a cool companion
at some point.

Some of this may work out or not, but either way,
I'm beginning to feel fortunate in my life again.

AND...I'm debating whether to sign up for a novel
workshop. Intensive, big commitment of time and
money, but that focus and support might be just
what I need to bring my own creative work alive
again while I'm still young enough to do it.

Have to apply by Dec. 2 and it'll cost two grand.
But I've been thinking about it seriously.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, if that doesn't sound like a full and fulfilling life... I dunno what does.  I do believe that you've landed on your feet Hops. Just remember that you can be friendly with the boss, but being actual "friends" muddies up those boundaries, when it comes to professional decisions sometime in the unknown future.

Maybe you can think about a little bit of garden this year? Favorite veggies and some pretties too?

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Amber!
Right now it's all I can do to water two "winter" plants on the porch.
And if in addition to the 40hour FT week I manage to do the novel workshop (about 4 meetings/month for which one must PRODUCE)...I'll be lucky to stagger to bed at night.

Gardening's far off. BUT...if I can hold all these things together at nearly-67 until spring...maybe very very modest gardening plans could happen too.

Did I mention I'm doing PT for my back for 3 weeks and then starting a workout thing, starting with two sessions with a trainer who's actually attended my first PT session and will also attend my last for him to give her precise, extremely gradual exercise instructions for my fitness plan?

Every one of these things means structure, showing up, discipline...and PROGRESS, which I had pretty much abandoned in the 4 years since moving here and (essentially) losing my daughter. All of that = TIME. Not to escape, watch Hulu, or stay in bed all weekend depressed, but actually up, alive, doing something. New stuff.

It's a lot at once, and I might be biting off more than I can chew. But I'm tempted. Doing a phone appt with my T tomorrow to decide about whether to submit my app for the novel workshop, for which the deadline is Dec. 2.

A little overwhelming to be thinking of ALL these new disciplines starting up nearly simultaneously. But at the same time, it feels a lot like it could be coming back to life after a long time dead. He'll help me work through the biggest time-decision, which is the novel workshop. Very intensive and structured. But it'd put me face-first back into my own dreams and purpose for living.

He may also advise me to defer it, which could be realistic, given ADD, work, fatigue, health, age. Then again, screw all that? Maybe?

Will report back!

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops it all sounds like a big and positive shift, I'm so happy for you.  It's amazing what can be achieved under pressure sometimes and it's pretty incredible that you've got all these irons in the fire.  Keep us posted with what's happening, I hope all flows in the right direction

[sKePTiKal]

The only downside I can see - from someone who famously bites off more than she can chew, and somehow plows through it all (albeit NOT gracefully) - again, the only thing I see, is something I would do to myself, which is make the novel workshop the least important priority... fill in all the space around it with other stuff I've ALREADY committed to... and then sabotage myself over that one goal.

That said, there is absolutely NO reason us women of a "certain age" have to stagnate, have no energy or dreams to fulfill, or even things we like to take care of and experiment with. Complete and total change of routines/scenery/environment has one oft-overlooked advantage to easing into it... and that is there is no denying the "have tos" right in front of you; or the challenge you've given yourself OR the constant asking yourself of "how bad do you really WANT this?"

It's kinda the "stuff of life" really; the life force; to allow yourself to be in those situations and to "wing it". Remember: plans are what we make until LIFE happens. What you're organizing there, is a direct engagement with life and all the unknowable repercussions and echoes of very clearly hollaring: HEEELLLLLLLLOOOooooooo out there. Sometimes the response that comes back to you is way more than you bargained for. LOL.

Stick to your defined list of goals and don't let yourself get distracted, and it should be a wild, but safe ride, Hops.

[Hopalong]

Oh thank you both!
Those posts were exactly what I needed to hear.
SUCH trusted voices.

Gotta dash to a meeting ("covenant group") but wanted to tell you my T convo on the phone was really helpful AND he pointed out (I'd sent him the workshop info) that right now (until Dec. 22 when the instructor chooses his workshop participants)...all I risk is $100 (a nonrefundable deposit...he will be reviewing an 8-page sample).

Then I was poleaxed with fear that during the move I'd lost my precious, completed, Chapter One. And when I got home tonight I tore into the Scary Room (home office/study) and went right to it. All ready to photocopy and mail in for the deadline tomorrow.

Seemed like a sign, whether it is or not. I'm definitely plunking down the deposit and sending it all in. We'll see what happens.

Thank you again so much for the courage.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

My whole house, the garages and studio are like that "scary room" Hops. I'm SOOO glad a past you, was thinking of the "now" you, and did you a favor; took care of you. I've had a couple of those moments in the past month... and it seems in this new place, I'm using this made-up concept of "taking care of tomorrow's, or next year's, or whatever future me" a lot more.

It's helping me deal with the unfamiliarity of my space; the inevitable clutter & mess; and still staying on top of the "official business" related to moving - learning all the new house systems, state requirements, etc. One thing I don't think is going to follow me in the mail are my seed catalogs. Need to write that down somewhere. Writing it down, means I can let go of it in my head, which means it's not so full to bursting all the time... LOL.

[lighter]

Whoo hoo, Hops!

Full time, just what you needed, perhaps not wanted, but such a relief.

And new advertising and products about to come online...... of course that's happening now.

You have skills and disciplines your boss can't, and she has opportunities and something special that put her in this business to begin with.  It's an interesting match with much potential for all.... very exciting.

::clapping with delight::

I do see you writing, Hops.  I do see you taking the class, even if the plan shifts to next year.  It can still be right on time with so much on your plate.

Maybe tackling that scary room, or tweaking that first chapter and outline, or building the company to a certain point needs to happen first?  Whatever happens, it's going to be OK. 

I think I mentioned neuro touch Feldenkrais and the Anat Baniel Method on another thread......
 http://www.anatbanielmethod.com/about-abm/more-about-the-method

All the Anat CD's are on sale right now for the holidays.... huge discounts...... a practitioner could show you how to do the movements correctly in a week or so, and it might actually correct the things that cause your symptoms.  If that means you don't have to spend time and money treating symptoms it might be less expensive, and life changing. It has been for my youngest child.

It's going to be interesting to see where the company goes now that you're there 40 hours a week. 

Congrats, Hops.  You deserve this.  You've earned it.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

Jeez, guys.

My ditsy boss just realized she doesn't have the money for the expansion after all, panicked and pulled the plug on the entire project (including me). She had been paying me PT completely (and foolishly) on credit and then her next application for a business loan was denied. Kaput.

I wasn't expecting it, feeling shock. Worry will sink in later. Right now...bourbon is sinking in.

Come to my pity party?

Hops

[lighter]

Oh dear, Hops.  I'm in shock with you.  It's not what I expected to happen.  Not what should have happened.... I'm so sorry. 

It means another door will open, but.....
damn.

It's a jolt.

(((((Hops))))))

It's going to be OK.... even when we can't see how it's going to be OK.

I so did not see that coming either.

Light

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Hops,

I am so sorry to hear the news.  Knowing your skills/talents from your “work” on this Board, I’m sure you’ll find a new job soon.  But I know how scary it is.  Thinking of you,

Richard

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Lighter. It feels unfortunately familiar--not the people, but the sense of fear and dislocation.
Not toxic like the old job (it was only 3-4 months), but just as though someone was playing with her business,
and got tired of the effort. And ran out of $$ and hadn't been completely upfront about how precarious the whole
enterprise was. Considering what I observed and what her daughter would describe over these few months, and all
that she was focused on that had no relation to work, I think it's a marvel that she isn't in worse shape
than she is. But all was cordial.

And thank you, Doc G. At near-67 I don't feel "sure" or expect "soon" but I'm glad you feel that way!
I will rally, and faster. And if I absolutely have to, I can go on SS and scrape by. I'm trying my hardest
not to do that until 70, because it makes a significant difference in the amount for life if you can hold out.
But it may be necessary and so be it if so.

I guess my next work-related thread will have to be NOT-NEW Job Stories! (Hope it really doesn't wind up
plural, but who knows).

Hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

And today was sunny and lovely and this is also what happened:

--last night a good friend brought over burritos
--this board was here to vent to, as always (bless Doc G and all of you!)
--today I had my mediation class with close friends
--another called and is taking me to dinner tonight
--a neighbor is taking me to a movie after that
--friends not here have emailed
--My yard got cleaned up and things trimmed and mulched
--the friend who's so $mart about finance, is coaching me through my options Monday

(Of course I only GET all that support because I howl and reach out and squawk when
I need it, and have built my community of support so painstakingly. This is when the
group experience truly pays off--patiently joining and listening and sitting and sharing
year over year means even with No Family, you can wind up with a Big Phamily.)

The meditation class (watching a Great Courses DVD series)
was ALL about impermanence, and so well taught by a brilliant
and humorous professor. And in my friend's gorgeous home where
I always feel welcome and relaxed.

I don't really have to freak out about this. I don't think I'm going to.

One step at a time, job-apps can start Monday.
Thank you, all of you, for wading through so many of my stories.

love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

I dunno.
I feel a bit as though my "high" of happiness yesterday was a little manic.
Or even narcissistic because it was CLEARLY because I was getting love and attention.

Something about it felt...I dunno.

Maybe I'm just steeling myself for pain to come, now that the shock is wearing off.

Feel mixed up again.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops I am completely at a loss for words.  I'm shocked/astonished/horrified that what seemed like such a good and doable thing has turned out not to be (and so suddenly as well - I know it wasn't perfect but it sounded like it would have been tolerable).

I completely understand the 'manic' leap to action that happens after a shock like that.  It's how I react always to disturbing or difficult situations - I go into sort of mega resourceful "I can cope" mode - which does then wear off as reality sets in and the dust starts to settle.  I always assume with me it's the adrenalin kicking in - fight or flight, and it makes us leap into action.  I am really glad that you have got that Phamily around you, though, and that they did all jump in to help.  I don't think there's anything narcissistic about love and attention feeling good - it always feels good and times like this are when good, supportive people really come into their own.  I'm glad they were there for you, real 3D gooduns, doing good things.

But I am really sorry things have turned out this way and it makes me wonder why 'bad things happen to good people'.  If anyone deserved a break with this it was you and I'm really sorry it's not turned out like that.  I really hope it means there's something better coming up but I know only too well how hard it is to cope with the not knowing and the effort it takes to start slogging through the same process all over again.

I've absolutely no practical or useful advice for you but can only say I am rooting for you and really, really hope something else comes up again soon, and I hope you can keep reaching out to the Phamily when you need/want to - and on here, of course.

Thinking of you and keeping everything crossed,

Love Tup xx