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Christmas

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sunblue:
I'm so sorry to hear your Christmas was so difficult TwoAPenny.  I truly hope the New Year will bring better times.  The holiday can be so difficult---especially for Narcissistic families.  The holidays are a reminder of everything that is missing and that we'll never have.  It's a reminder of the "haves" and "have nots". Frankly, I think surviving it is an accomplishment in and of itself!

This year was a sobering holiday for me.  After expending all of the effort in my family for the holiday, I realized that I truly have no family.  I was once again forced to witness my brother expend all of his effort and emotion for his "adopted family"---his wife's family----and express not one iota of sentiment for his own biological family.  I realized that will never change.  He has lived a truly charmed life, never having to struggle for anything----perfect wife, perfect child, good career that was literally handed to him by others...No challenges of any consequence.  He has adopted more of my N mom's traits----the need to completely control and dictate behavior, a lack of empathy and compassion, and a sense of superiority.  I look at him now and see that the brother I knew and grew up with is gone, never to return. 

I spent Christmas morning at the cemetery visiting and honoring my Dad who always had such a true heart and, like me, loved Christmas.  He as grateful and appreciative for all the effort I made.  While there, I witnessed a scene that was truly heartbreaking.  A little girl had apparently recently passed.  Her family, including a person I surmised was the young father, arrived at the grave site and prayed around the grave in a circle,  The young dad was dressed as Santa and placed a wrapped doll carriage with some small toys on the grave.  A small wreath with a motion-censored ornament that played a Christmas song hung over the grave.  Just like that popular image, "Santa" kneeled down at the grave and prayed and then drew a small heart in the snow before the family departed.  That scene put a lot of things in perspective.  While I, along with other visitors that day, were mourning our losses, it couldn't be compared with the loss of this family on Christmas Day. 

Acceptance is very hard.  It is especially difficult at Christmas when we are inundated in society with images of happy families and messages of what is truly important at the holiday---spending time with family and loved ones.  I believe that to be true which makes it all the more heartbreaking when you know you have no family or loved ones who care.  But I also know, although society never wants to remind us of this, that there are many, many, many people out there who are alone or lonely with no family or families who are estranged and have betrayed or hurt us.  The bottom line is that life is not fair.  Those of us on this board probably fit into that group of people who, through no fault of our own, have no family to count on, to sit around the Christmas tree with and have authentic, loving experiences.

Instead, what we must do is forge on, to find our way to acceptance and to do our best to contribute to this life in some way.

Like many have expressed here, I truly am grateful for all of you, for the kindness and support you have shown me over the years.  It has made the world of difference and helped me feel I'm not so alone.

Thank you Dr. G for providing this forum and doing so with so much compassion, empathy and understanding.

May we all find a moment or two of joy this season and may we experience a New Year that is filled with peace, acceptance and understanding.

Bright Blessings.  Sunblue.

sKePTiKal:
Well, I spent the traditional holiday totally alone - by choice. I still had a Christmas tree; a fresh arrangement on the table. I had a bunch of exotic treats that I always liked, oil cured olives and cheeses, for instance. There's still some peppermint bark I bought at Thanksgiving.

For me, it hurts more to be in that mix of cheery people than to be alone. And I really was hoping to talk to Michael... and let him know it's time I move on. And that requires quiet. And there isn't the regular pulling at heart strings so much now or the longing to have just 5 minutes back. I've made decisions for me and completely removed a lot of reminders that kept me in that "groove" and it's all good. It is OK that I'm doing this alone.

Challenging sometimes! I have a whole new set of systems to learn in the house. Things to fix to my satisfaction. New noises and wondering if it's better beams flex in the wind, rather than stoutly resist it like a rock... and I've been able to make my living space the way I want it -- without someone else's input or opinions. Maybe that's a tad selfish - but I've not been able to do that before and I wanted that opportunity. And I'm just to tired to carry on over the holiday, too. It's been an exhausting year. So the quiet and total freedom to do as I like is healing.

I'll see the girls on Epiphany; H's birthday and the 12th day of Christmas.

Maybe I'm becoming a Druid; but I'm really "over" all the shoulda, woulda, couldas about this holiday and frankly my dears - I just don't have a damn left to give about it.

Hopalong:
Sunblue,
I'm sorry it was sobering and sad.
I re-read back on your Holiday Wars thread and it hit me that it was October that you began detailing the (understandable) resentment over your brother, and how it's carried right on for you for over two months now.

It sounds miserable for you.

Do you have any sense for the New Year, of how you might try to un-enmesh from your unhappy family and look to build new relationships outside it?

I would feel so sad a year from now, if you remain stuck in that particular dead-end sadness. You deserve better, you've really figured out it's never going to happen from Nmom and GCbrother, they're never going to provide the warmth and loyalty and fairness and connection and affirmation and affection that would nourish you. You've tried everything and really are trying to get water from stones.

So what do you want the rest of your life to be about? It can't be this. Too many women spend decades of their lives trying to please, cajole, encourage loving behavior from people who just don't have it to give. (Speaking from experience, here, not from judgement.)

I'd love to see you take seriously the reality that you can free yourself from this emotional cycle. In time, with the right support, and especially with the right attitude of loving and valuing yourself whether your family does or not--I know you could.

Loving and valuing yourself as you are, for who you are--independently. You deserve this and only you can give it to you. You'd need to make your family less important to your happiness, and claim your happiness on your own.

Next holiday? I envision Sunblue celebrating simply and peacefully with a few new gentle friends. I had one lovely holiday evening with about 8. Happened to be all women, all at peace with making temporary family for each other. And it was a very happy time.

With hopes for you,
Hops

sunblue:
Hello Hops:

Happy Holidays.  As always, you are so kind to respond to my post.  I do feel guilty for posting---complaining really about my same negative family dynamic.  It's a rant really and I don't generally like to be that person.  You are right, of course.  My family will never change.  The reality that I will never have a family or have the feelings I have for them returned back to me will not change.  I can't change my brother or Nmother.  I can't make my mother care about me.  I can't change the fact that somehow my brother got everything I didn't.  It is time to finally accept that no matter how much I may want it or need it, no matter how hard I work at it, I will not get it in this lifetime.  This holiday that reality was really thrown in my face.

While it is not ideal I will necessarily have to be the one who looks after my mother.  Right or wrong, my siblings have no conscience or empathy and do not hesitate to turn their back on her.  I wasn't built like that.  I have strong empathy and a conscience.  I know that will not mean she will ever change her non-feelings for me.  But it is my responsibility.  However, I can attempt to distance myself emotionally---both from her and my brother and his family.  So, in 2017, I will attempt to do that.

I am glad you had some friends you could spend the holiday with.  I hope they were able to bring you some moments of joy and cheer.  I don't know what 2017 will hold.  I do know that I will no longer have the hope I had this year for the family others have.  My brother ruined that for me this year.  His disrespect, selfishness and controlling behavior showed me there can never be any going back.  I looked at him and could not see any remnant of the brother I grew up with.  That brother is gone for good, never to return.  I lost my Dad, I lost my brother and never had a mother or sister due to their narcissism.  Perhaps the loss of my brother was the final loss to process.  This year I spent Thanksgiving alone and while it wasn't happy, it was peaceful.  I think I will repeat that next year and maybe plan some kind of short trip during the Christmas holiday. 

I did some charity work this holiday which I think is always a good thing as it reminds you that others are enduring far worse circumstances.  It puts life in perspective.  My loss is nothing compared to the loss of the young family I wrote about who grieved their small daughter at the cemetery. 

So enough with my griping, complaining and venting.  I know others here and elsewhere are going through far worse.  The New Year is also a time to be grateful for your blessings and I am for mine.  Thank you for being one of those blessings Hops and for taking the time to respond to my post.

I hope you can ring in the New Year with friends or friends who have become family.  Wishing you only wonderful adventures in 2017 as well as peace, health and happiness.

Thanks Hops!

Sunblue

Hopalong:
Sunblue, I have ranted AND ranted (and ranted) here on the very same redundant topics for over 10 years! Nmother, Nboss, NsocioSomethingbrother, and more recently...estranged daughter (whom I can't bear to "diagnose.")

It takes as long as it takes to love oneself and find strength and purpose from within. I hope you'll post MORE, not less, about your stuck places. I understand it completely and don't think anyone else's timetable is relevant. I just truly meant that I'd love to see you free from that cycle (I was stuck in so many ways for an incredibly long time, and still am in others).

Bear in mind that half my "advicey" or "preachy" posts are aimed squarely at myself. I tend to give out lectures I need to hear. (Lucky everybody! Har.)

I like your resolve and hope it helps you move forward. I know what it's like to feel as though you're wearing cement shoes. And I admire your conscience being your guide about elder care, too. You are right that you won't be rewarded emotionally for it from those you'd love to have appreciate you...but there is reward in living according to your own values.

That's what I ultimately decided...my care of my mother did give me closure and peace and a very clean conscience (I hate the way elders are generally treated in this culture). It's not always the kids' fault--our society isn't structured around the needs of the vulnerable (very young/very old) so a huge burden can fall on the next generation down.

Despite all that closure and peace, though, I can also see my choice to put her first for so long as --also--a very significant mistake in judgement. Hindsight's 20-20. The fact of it is, I believe my care extended her life considerably (she lived to 98) and unless I am capable of major will and commitment to myself...shortened mine. It was just way, way out of balance. Partly because of her demanding self-absorption, and partly because I didn't have the core strength I needed NOT to serve her in the manner to which she had become accustomed. Only near the end did I begin to recognize how I'd lost goals, drive, hopes and purpose for my own being, my own fulfillment.

It's a tough call.

Rant away, it's good for you! And good for your listeners, too.

Hugs,
Hops

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