My Long, Long Story.........I no longer Feel Alone With This

[d'smom]

Plus, I got the house!

best of good fortune longtire. ive been wanting to give you a hug for awhile this seems like a time {{{{{{{longtire}}}}}}}

carve out your own sweet space for you.  



[/i]

[OR]

Long,

I just now had some time to read your post, I kinda got choked up about  your new place.  SOOOOO proud of your brave efforts YOU are my hero.

How is your daughter doing? Im sure she will see a change in you and will enjoy her visits more with a happier you.

Great Job and have fun shopping for your new place.


OR

[mum as guest]

Longtire: glad to hear you're movin' on.  Here's to freedom! (I don't drink, so I will hoist a big glass of soy milk up in your honor!)

[longtire]

Wow!  So many posts, it has taken me a while to catch up.  Thank you all for the support.  You here are my safety net and my lifeline to sanity.    ((((all))))

I signed the papers and got the keys.  I called to setup the main utilities today.  I plan to move in Saturday if I can get everything packed and ready by then.  If not, I can push to Sunday morning.  I'm happy and excited about moving.  I have even been having decorating thoughts about this new place.  Somehow where I live now has never really felt like "my" place.  The new place does already.

I am down tonight, though, after telling my daughter. That's a hard thing to do.  I told her that the current situation was affecting my health and I needed space and time to get healthy and happy again.  I told her that all the money stuff is covered and no one will be hurt that way.  I told her that I am not angry and am not doing this to hurt anyone, but that I do need to do it.  I told her that I expected that she would get to spend equal time with her mother and I, but that she's old enough to make up her own mind.  I told her that she doesn't have to make any decisions on that for a while, no pressure.  After that she said she needed some space and went to her boyfriend's house for the rest of the evening.  Before she left she told me that she knew that I was not being rash and that I needed to do what I have to do to take care of myself.  I told her thank you, but that when you feel angry or sad or anything else you need to tell me about it.  Don't keep it inside or bad things happen to you.

Despite the order of this post, I did tell my wife first.  She was surprised and shocked that this was happening.  She did mention that I had said I wouldn't get a divorce because God hates divorce.  (That was on one of those awful panic attack reaction mood swings. )  I told her this was a separation at this point and that my physical reactions to the situation don't allow me to stay.  She said that she was upset that I had done all this financial work and figuring without talking with her. She said that several times and in several ways.  I didn't even feel like taking the bait there.  She then said that she realizes that this is about my feelings and she doesn't take it personally.  She said that she has grown tremendously and wishes me well.  (Funny how I never hear about these things until there is a big problem!)  She did ask for a written list of the things I was planning to take before they leave.  I was planning to do this anyway.  She also seemed to agree to the other items on sharing time with our daughter, she doesn't change locks and I don't come by without checking first, I leave written record of anything I take, etc.  I thought "Who is this?"  Maybe she has changed, maybe its hoovering?  It doesn't matter, I still need the time and space.  I am committed to moving now.

I also talked with my good friend/neighbor.  I hadn't been talking as much with her lately to give my wife more access to her, thinking it might help the situation.  (This friend has great common sense and is very forthright.  Reminds me a lot of people here!)  She said that is what she told my wife.  That I was not coming over to give my wife space to be with the friend because my wife doesn't comprehend that this person can be friends with us both while refusing to take sides.  It is a gift to be understood and accepted by friends.  I promised not to be such a stranger with this friend any longer and we talked for a while.  Definitely a bright spot on the evening.

I feel exhausted and relieved.  The WORST part of this whole thing was having to tell my daughter.  I hate it when what I do hurts her, even though I know it is necessary.  Everything else is just working details and plain old hard work.  Another bright spot!  The leasing company had the house professionally cleaned after being showed.  (I even saw them cleaning when I stopped by to check utility connections.)  One less thing for me to have to do.

[Brigid]

Longtire,
Congratulations on continuing to move forward with your plan.  I know it could not have been easy to explain your leaving to your daughter.  We have daughters about the same age, so I know how sensitive they are at this age.

I know you intend to stay a very active part of her life and support her in every way possible.  If you and your wife can co-parent reasonably, your daughter will be fine.  This is a very busy time of life for her as she begins the process of leaving the nest.  Try your best to keep your stuff out of her life and just continue to be there for her when she needs to talk and actively demonstrate your involvement in her life.

I wish had someone to co-parent with (well, maybe I'm glad in this case that I don't, but there are times it would be nice to have a father to discuss things with).  I'm constantly conflicted about raging at him about not being involved (I have never actually done this) and being glad he's not.  It's so hard to know what is best for the kids.

Have fun making your place your own.  I'm convinced you will find peace and finally be able to evaluate what you want to do with your life.

God bless,

Brigid

[daylily]

Longtire,

I just wanted to let you know that though our circumstances are very different, your continued growth and courage have been an inspiration to me.  Lately, when I start to panic that it's "too late" to really change anything in my life, I think about you.

I imagine it was very hard to tell your daughter.  She sounds like a very grounded, thoughtful adolescent, and she sounds truly concerned about your well-being.  All those things speak well of her, and of your relationship with her.  I hope you're proud of both of you.

I hope you fill these rooms with the people and things you love--some of which you may not even know about yet.

Best,
daylily

[OR]

OK Long You want a list of why you would be a hero.

1. I love the way you talk about doing the right thing even when the right thing is not being done to you. YOU ARE MY HERO

2. You talk about your daughter with such love and understanding.
She must be so lucky to have you as a Dad.

 

I told her that all the money stuff is covered and no one will be hurt that way. I told her that I am not angry and am not doing this to hurt anyone, but that I do need to do it. I told her that I expected that she would get to spend equal time with her mother and I, but that she's old enough to make up her own mind. I told her that she doesn't have to make any decisions on that for a while, no pressure.

  YOU ARE MY HERO

3. Long, you see the things people do and people in general as gifts and find a bright spot in the negative.
You are such a Hero to me. You have such wonderful gifts to share with us all here and to give them to strangers is such a blessing to all.

We all have gifts to share if we just dig down in our hearts a little.
I guess there are so many reasons you could be anyones hero but you wanted me to tell you specifics so I hope this will help you understand where Im coming from when I tell you "You are my Hero"

It is a gift to be understood and accepted by friends.  

 Definitely a bright spot on the evening.

I need to leave to pick up my D from Cheer Camp.

talk later OR

[longtire]

OR, you have me all choked up right now.  I guess that I have not really valued these things about myself because I have tended to have people in my life who did not value these things in me (or didn't say so, anyway).  My parents.  My Wife.  For most of my life I saw these traits as weaknesses.  Somehow I had to find a way to have a good relationship with people despite these things that I do like wanting to do the "Right" thing or being aware.  I finally realized recently that I accepted being around people who did not value these things about me because that was what I was used to.

I need to surround myself with people (like you) who not only see these things about me, but actually value me and these things about me.  To be honest, my daughter has told me that she feels lucky to have a dad like me who talks about deep stuff sometimes and teaches her how to stand up for herself and be confident.  I still feel like I am more fortunate to have HER in MY life.

I have had a shocking realization about myself over the past week or so.  I love people!  I'm a people lover!  I never thought I would believe that about myself.  I always thought of myself as scared and shy.  (Maybe with good reason looking at the people around me in the past.)  But I'm not shy, I'm outgoing.  I'm not afraid of people, I enjoy talking with them and getting to know them.  I am an introvert which means that I get my recharge in my alone time, but I still love being with people.  I do get over stimulated in some environments, but I am learning how to recognize and do what I can to minimze that.  Who would have thought?

[Stormchild Guesting]

Long, dear brother,

You love GOOD people ... and it can take a long time to discover that, if you haven't been around very many of them. Best of all, it looks as though you're managing to raise one. Yea!

Glad I saw 'you' at lunch yesterday (see Anything thread). 'You' looked a little tired, around the eyes, but very kind.

((((((((Longtire, daughter, and kitty))))))))

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Longtire,

I imagine you might be a little tired after all that emotional work with your daughter and your wife.  Sometimes I thing emotional/spiritual fatigue is more exhausting than physical.

I wish you the very best Longtire.  I do hope you are able to surround yourself with people that value who you are - a sensitive, brave, loving, thoughtful man.  

Take care and know my thoughts are with you.  

(((((Longtire)))))

Chutzbagirl

[longtire]

I want to thank everyone for their support through making this decision and the move.  I will be moving Saturday, so took today off to get everything coordinated and packed.  I will still be posting today and tomorrow morning as time allows.  I may be without internet for a few days after that until I hooked up.  I can always go in to work to post if I need to.  The support and understanding and validation I get here is invaluable to me.

I took my daughter over to see the new place and she picked out her room.  She already has a layout with furniture in mind.  Now she just needs to pick colors and styles, etc.  I also told her that she could choose the theme for her bathroom for style and color, etc.  I hope that will help this new place feel like her home more.  I also gave her the key to the new place so she has more ownership.

She told me that she probably will want to take it slow in spending the night there since it is a new situation.  She also said that she would like to try NOT having a set schedule of where she "should" (bad, bad word) be.  She has friends in similar circumstances who say things like "I have to go to my mom's today" and she doesn't want to have to feel like that about the situation.  I told her that I understand and that I don't want to put any pressure on her.  I pointed out that she doesn't even have a bed yet, so it would be difficult to spend the night there until we get her some of those things anyway.

I talked with her last night about what it will be like when she gets back from her trip.  I pointed out that I, the cat, and some furniture, etc. would not be here when she gets back.  Hopefully that will help set her expectations and soften the blow at that point.  She said that she wants to come over Monday and see how things are looking.  I said great, but it will probably be a tremendous mess!  She laughed and agreed.  I told her that she could bring her boyfriend over as well, if she felt like it.  I reiterated that she can call me ANY time, ANY day, work or not.  I also told her that she is welcome to be at the new house any time she feels like it.  Just to let me know if she has anyone else over when I'm not there.

These days my mantra is "Feel the fear and do it anyway!"  I realized that I am moving to this place to have a safe, healing environment.  I'm spending more money than I had originally planned to set it up, but it will truly be my place, for me.  That is stepping out on faith quite a bit for me.   I have been having all sorts of doubts so I'm going to put them down here so I don't have to keep carrying them around.

What if I spend all this money and we get back together soon?  Unlikely (getting beack together soon, spending is highly likely!).
What if we do divorce and something I do now is held against me?  Like what?
What if my wife has really changed this time, I have just blown it?  Hoovering, see below.
What if this causes adjustment problems for my daughter?  The I'll deal with them with her and help her.  Plus, I expect I will be much more rested and centered and effective myself.
What if my wife raids the joint checking?  Then I will direct deposit to my account and conver enough bills that we both still end up with the same "allowance" as now.
What if my wife bad mouths me to our daughter (trying to protect her from me, of course)?  I will talk with my daughter and tell her the truth and reality of the situation without bad mouthing her mother back.
What if my daughter doesn't end up spending much time with because she can't make the transition or is trying to "take care" of her mother by spending more time with her?  I will talk with her and let her know that I want to spend more time with me.  I will tell her that she doesn't need to take care of either of her parents, that we take care of her.

I feel better getting those things off my back.  I got another note this morning from my wife:

I truly hope that everything goes well for you.  Good luck with the move.  I'll be praying for you to have peace & comfort in God.  God bless you during this time.  S

Who wrote this note?  Is this just hoovering since I'm moving away from her?  Is it possible she could be saying her genuine feelings about me, but only when its safe because I'm at least several miles away?  Is she really talking about/to herself?  Is she just trying to look good?  Is she trying to salve her conscience?  This kind of thing confuses me.  I'm not wavering, but it drives me nuts to never be able to know what is really going on in her head.  I have asked her to communicate primarily through EMail.  That gives me time to digest and react before I need to respond.  Phone calls are OK for time sensitive things, but EMail for anything else.  Do you think this note is an attempt to get around that?  Forced communication that she won't stop?  Hmmm, I suspect a little bit of each of these may be the case.  I expect there will be quite a bit of EMails for a while until the practical details of this separation get worked out.  I will have to hold my boundary on personal communications with her during this time.

A couple of other things from another EMail about working arrangements.  Most were pretty mundae, but a couple of them tweaked me a bit.  She told me she would pay herself $50 from our joint account if I didn't clean the bathroom before leaving.  (I already planned to.)  She told D that I had requested my wife not call, but EMail instead so D would know it was my request in case she noticed her mother not calling me.  She asked me to do a task around the house and then said the "if you choose not to" then she would have a neighbor do it.  It has been a running theme that she likes to assign me tasks to do when I am busiest.  (A way to maintain a connection when I get busy and am less accessible?)  I told her that I would try to do it if time permits, but if I am not able to I am OK with the neighbor doing it.  (After all, I will be busy cleaning the bathroom!)  I am glad that after most of this gets decided, I will not need to deal with it much anymore.

[Anonymous]

Longtire!

Cheers to your new abode!!!  What a wonderful father you are!!  You're daughter is truly lucky to have you!!

You are definately walking in a straight line now toward a better place (not just in the physical sence).

Yay!!!    

Congratulations Longtire!!

GFN

PS:  Brigid, I agree with Bunny in that you do not have a character flaw.  It's just where you are right now in regard to forgiveness.  I don't know if I misworded it/omitted to say that that forgiving people (not their actions) stuff is what works for me, not necessarily everyone else.  And certainly I'm not at that point with all who have harmed me/my family, in my life.  It's what I wish to strive for and hope to achieve, in that regard.   I know it's best for my own serenity.   What helps me is to try to separate people from their actions.  But that's me.  It is hardly possible, I agree, when they continue to abuse you and are there in your face.  Later, when there is distance...it might be a better time, if that's something you want/decide.  Sorry.  I didn't mean to insinuate or suggest anything and I'm sorry not making all of this clear.      It's that feet in mouth thingy again.  

[Brigid]

GFN,
You sweet girl.   I never, not ever for one second thought that you were being anything but kind and helpful.  Forgiveness is a wonderful thing and you are blessed to be able to offer that to your transgressors.  I have hope that, in time, I will get there, too.

(((((((GFN))))))

Longtire,
I think you are handling things perfectly with your daughter.  This will pay off hugely for you and your relationship with her in the future.

As far as the response from your wife goes--she doesn't seem too distraught over your leaving (maybe that's a good thing for you? ).  Keep going, my friend, you can do way better.

BTW, take a break from the move and join us for dinner.  See you at 6

Good luck this weekend.

Brigid

[P]

Longtire very very best wishes
That note? It's detaching from you I feel. It's putting a distance between herself and you. That's okay. I note she doesn't say "I'll miss you." Like I would if I cared a jot. Sorry longtire. It's just a note, it doesn't mean much at all. Maybe it's to make you feel guilty?  but you don't
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. best wishes for all of you, portia

[Anonymous]

Hi Longtire,

How's the move going?  I think your daughter will love staying there, if she can get past the guilt of abandoning her mom. You're making it easy for her, and that's wonderful.

Your wife's note is IMO a kiss up gesture because she wants you to continue to be generou$$$ to her. If I were  her, I'd communicate however I wanted if my husband were moving out. His wishes wouldn't be my top priority at that point (sorry). And on your side, you don't have to do any tasks around the house. If you wanted to keep working for your wife, you'd still be living there. Her declaration of paying HERSELF $50 to clean a bathroom is the most mercenary thing I've heard since her last cash request.

best wishes,
bunny