replies below....
I must admit, I read this last post of yours first and then went back and read the first page. I had an interesting reaction. My ex used to go over every single penny I spent on the children, the house, the dogs...anything and then would read me the riot act. Mind you I parented full time and worked full time. The money he spent was never a concern for him. I was not frivolous with money. It was a matter of control for him. He was (and is) extremely controlling. I actually had a vision of myself freezing up outside and boiling with rage inside (as was the case for me) when you mentioned the printout (there's that senience again). I could not express this to him, but unlike you, he never wanted to know what "was wrong".
I do have money issues, but am not sure how much that was driving any of this. I remember having a realization when I was 8-9 years old, that I didn't understand why my parents kept me around. I don't remember them expressing any value in me, even indirectly. Our house was an emotional desert and I was never validated or even felt "seen." I "knew" from this realization that I had to be careful, because if my parents got any more uncaring or angry they could just kick me out and I would die sinceI was just a kid and couldn't take care of myself. To me, money is the physical embodiment of being able to take care of myself.
S has also had a lot of problems with money. Her mother made her sit down and figure out the finances when S was about the same age. I don't mean that she sat S down to watch and learn about money, I mean she asked S how the bills were going to get paid! S has admitted to me that this has lead her to refuse to help plan or go along with financial plans with me. Also, S spent many years spending all our cash and then running up credit cards because there wasn't "enough" cash for her to spend. When I tried to point out the charges on the card she said "That isn't true," and refused to discuss it any further. Denial, it ain't....
I tried to balance this by not spending anything for myself. However, I do work and have worked very hard in my career and am no longer willing to go without just to support her selfishness. I am willing to share, but I am tired of having to go look at how much money we have before I can buy anything, because I have no idea how much S has spent. BTW, S has not run up credit card for several years. That stopped when I told her that as soon as I saw one more credit card charge that we didn't have a prior agreement to make, I would divorce her immediately, no questions asked, no discussion, no explanation. Money has been a big issue between us, but I am trying to get the checking account to the level where I don't have to check it anymore and can spend my agreed share without fear of bankruptcy or any more bounced checks.
If she is hateful and enraged that is okay. Don't think about it in fact. It's better if you let her process it and don't try to analyze it. She needs to deal with her anger without you. You just make it worse.
I can finally see that now, and am much more peaceful "letting" her stomp and grunt her way around the house. I have to admit that I take some sadistic pleasure in it as well. I can really see how she is doing it to herself and that it really doesn't have anything to do with me. I do worry more and more about the environment that it creates for my daughter. I'm sure she will be writing on the Internet II in 20 years how her home always felt tense and threatening.
I can understand her hurt feelings and shame when it looked like you were "scolding and correcting" her with the yellow highlighting. She probably related it to very harsh, punitive authority figures in the past. We can understand it but not cater to it.
On your side, I hope you weren't all controlling and parental. I hope you were just trying to straighten things out without blame. It sounds like you held your boundaries which is very important.
Consciously, I was only trying to understand these items and check to see whether we had different understandings of the agreement, which we did. I knew this would be a emotionally charged discussion, so I highlighted the items so I could find them again easily. I did not plan to show the printout directly, just to use it as my own reference. I felt that I was able to hold my boundaries very well in this situation where I would have caved in before. I'm happy about that and I'm glad that S and I seem to still have an agreement on the finances. Her pattern in the past would have been to blame me and then pull out of the agreement because I was "bad" first.
S's mother used guilt trips and shame to reinforce her will over S. I also believe that S still has all those years of anger at her mother for not seeing her, not valuing her, not meeting her needs, etc. However, it is unacceptable to dump it on me. She needs to accept it and deal with it in an adult manner while realizing where it does and doesn't come from.
On a different note, a lot of what I have been working on personally lately is finding my voice again. Part of that is speaking up with S or in counseling about how I really feel and what I really think, regardless of whether I may be right or wrong. I have to deal with my doubts and the aftermath like from the last session, but I suppose that's the sucky growth part of all this.
Part of this is singing. Just in church and in the car for now, but its a start.
(not surprised, looks sort of like singing)
Part of that is posting on this board on some of the other threads. I have to say that I feel like a fraud when I do it. I hear a voice that says "what do you know," "who are you to say," etc. but I try to ignore that "voice" and go with my feelings and empathy instead.
