Small... incremental changes.
This morning I didn't bring up a difficult matter with my 14yo dd, even though I badly wanted to. It centers around my attending the January BIT session, which I've already booked flights and accommodations for, btw.
I'm shocked..... baffled, bc this child has been operating like a mini adult for..... years. She's flown on her own outside the US and cleared customs..... gotten on planes to attend a 2 week LRP camp out of State..... did I mention she's always HATED flying..... so brave.
I'm not that brave... LRP camp? She's just an amazing person.... didn't get homesick ONCE. She was happy, engaged, and perfectly comfortable among strangers she made friends with quickly.
SO, I firmed up flight reservations for my trip yesterday, and tried to go over details with her in the car ride home from school.... mistake in hindsight bc she's usually drained and hungry and this kid doesn't deal with hunger very well.
Poor timing. I could have improved that by 1% for sure.
DD14 was very quiet after I finished talking, only asking one question.....
"What day of the month was I returning?"
I told her, and she just....
folded.
Literally and figuratively..... folded, and stayed that way till we were home. There was no getting her to talk about it.....
::shaking fist at the discomfort of keeping my pie hole shut, and not nattering at her to escape my own distress::
After we got home she went right to sleep....
for 7 hours.
Without a peep.
::sigh::
She is getting over a cold, and who knows what hormones are doing to her, come to think of it.
THIS is messing with my mother instincts. She'd usually be fine with this trip.
I'd typically just CANCEL the flight and sign up for next session in 6 months if this was my 16yo we're talking about, but...... this is dd14.....
I don't think I can DO that, and be OK/on the schedule I set for myself. Honestly, she'll be fine. Everyone who knows her can't believe this has come up.
I let her sleep.
When she woke I let her seek me out in her own time.... my bed time.
I let her bring up the trip, and mirrored back what she said.
She explained she wants me home to help her pick a dress for the dance, and pack for the weekend school trip she's been joyfully looking forward to. She explained she "can't go from one strange place to another strange place." I get that,and for the past 10 yeas I've always accommodated her as well as I could, perhaps bending over backwards bc of the past 10 years and what I couldn't control, but.....
it's 6 months till the next class,
which she didn't see a problem with.
I thought she'd for sure say "SIX months! But of course you must go, Mother." Well, maybe not that
exactly.
She was just glad it wasn't a one time deal, and asked that I please reschedule. She was serious.
After she ate something, and we were snugged on the sofa with tea, I tried to strike a compromise....
we'll pack ahead for the trip, choose an outfit for the dance, and make sure everything's handled that can be handled while I'm here.
She wasn't convinced, said she'd leave it up to me, but I should know she won't attend either event IF I went.
This child isn't given to manipulations like that..... this is how she really feels, or....
Do I have "not my child" goggles on?
She likes the family she stays with, btw.... was fine with my trip till she learned I'd be gone for BOTH events.
I'm going on this trip.
Right?
Anyway this is posted here bc I'm employing the 1% better rule as I navigate this.
Letting dd 14 come to me when she was ready to speak. Not bringing it up this morning, when I need need need to feel better about keeping my flight in place.....
choosing not to listen to BBC news on way to school this morning.
::Shaking fist in the air::
Oh, short term discomfort, you are my bane!
I SO want dd14 to let me off the hook on this, and likely she will, but.... just being patient, giving her time and space to feel better about it, or not....
SO.
Hard.
And.... if she decides not to go to either event....
that will be ongoing discomfort for me, and......
what?
I don't think I should feel guilty over this, so I'm trying to figure out how to just be OK with
her distress.
That's the thing, isn't it?
I NEED her to be OK.
I'm compelled to fix things for my children, bc it's intuitive, but not a healthy place to live from, IME. What does it say about me IF I DON'T fix everything for them? That I'm a failure? A not good enough mom? I think it means I'm letting them grow up, learn to shift for themselves, put healthy boundaries in place, and take responsibility for their own feelings.
Whew.... that sounds
SO much better to me.
DD14 and DD16 will have to learn to deal better with their own short term discomfort (std).
And I will too.
At least by 1%; )
Lighter