Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How cosmic is this?
lighter:
(((Hops)))
Maybe you could charge him a higher rate for ON CALL and reduced hours?
Maybe he'll decide he appreciates you more when his procedure goes through?
I'm sorry it's a struggle. Maybe there's a cool elderly lady or two who would appreciate your company and talents?
You certainly have recent experience.
Lighter
Hopalong:
He's an extreme tightwad so if I charged him more or extra for anything I'm sure he'd can me entirely. It's very odd, given his resources.
I've identified a new issue I'm grappling with. Although I'm minimizing the "hurt" of being around his N-ish stuff (and at times, when everything's going his way and he's feeling well, he can be pleasant)...I've identified something new. It's my problem, not really about him.
I am noticing that a deep-seated, reflexive sense of responsibility for his well being has kicked in. When I'm NOT with him, his three friends with the health care power of attorney will email me questions. Like, how long will his heart procedure take? Mostly, they seem interested in planning their own schedules and limits around being there for him, although I'm sure they care on some level, on another level, they're very disengaged for being legally responsible for someone who is facing a heart procedure at 92. So...I spend a lot of time providing them answers that they could Google for themselves.
I feel guilty about it but I am going to add that time to my daily count, even if I'm not with him at that time.
The more serious issue for me, though, is that I am thinking about his care and situation all the time. Anticipating things the PoA team hasn't even asked about. Such as, what about after his procedure, when he's discharged? If HE doesn't want to pay me for more than two hours per day, but he's weak (which is typical after a week's hospitalization for anyone, and doubly so for someone in their 90s)? Are they assuming I am available, and if so, are they again leaving me on my own to handle his irrational resentment about paying for adequate hours?
I think they are. So I worry and wonder about.
More than that, though, I'm bothered by an emotional side effect of this gig, in that I think about it too much when I'm not there...AND, I'm noticing I'm again not taking care of my own life (or making headway with my own needs, such as paperwork and even, this week, novel writing). This is very troubling to me. But I think I'm noticing the old Cinderella-reflex is being triggered by this job.
It's ideal for me in many ways, as I am instinctively good at it. But if it consumes too much of me or if I can't find a way to repress or release the instinctive over-responsibility I'm feeling...then it may become a negative thing.
I want to manage it, because the hours and flexibility (I can go an hour later than scheduled, for example, and he's fine with that--I just call) are way more comfortable than my locked-in-a-cubicle-with-soul-draining-out-my-ass-while-writing-for-other-people previous positions.
But it'll all be for naught if I emotionally go backward into over-caregiving, if that makes sense.
I feel like the adult in the room with his healthcare power of atty people. I am paid, and they are not. I get that. However, I am also surprised by how incurious they are about preparing for Plans B, etc, if his recovery doesn't go as well as he intends it to. He's 92 and anything could happen, and I don't feel they have thought it through.
Anyway, I'll do the best I can by him but it's very complex because of his combination of furious independence, intelligence, inconsistent judgement, memory loss, and fragility. I have suggested I meet with the three of them, as talking about Plans B would make sense. But it's awkward. I can't insist on anything as the "hired help" but I'm also more experienced and more focused than they seem to be.
Just venting, and again--this is where my own time is going and I need to get a GRIP and take my life in hand.
Thanks for listening,
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
From here, it seems like the POAs have you pegged for the caring empath you are.
If they call you in your off hours to ask questions they used to answer themselves.... they're overstepping a boundary, IMO.
Is it possible that your caring demeanor makes it easy for them to shift some of their responsibility to your shoulders..... bc you feel obligated in your heart? You honestly do care, but when does that care infringe on your boundaries and welfare?
I can also see the worst case scenario happening, then everyone runs around like chickens with their heads cut off, perhaps the worst of the lot suggesting you COULD have done more, known better, blah blah... what selfish people do when they've failed, and identify an empath they can point to, and KNOW they'll FEEL responsible, even if they're not.
They have you pegged, and I'd like to see you write a letter to your employer with all your concerns and suggestions... copy the POAs, then go back to what you were doing until they ask you for more.
Cover yourself, know you're a good person willing to stand up and do what's best for your employer, if allowed. You have to come to terms with the fact you're limited by others, IMO.
And this.....
how much better will you feel on the job when you've caught up your papers, and spent quality time working on your novel?
Everything in your life will feel better..... and that's a job you're responsible for too.
Tease out what you can control, and what you can't. Do your best. Let the POAs carry the responsibility they won't allow you to carry for them..... don't let them shift the feeling of responsibility onto you.
It's not fair, and you're such a good person.
Don't lose ground on this, Hops.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Huh. An old coping mechanism falling into place, Hops? Who woulda thought? LOL... you know from my recent posts I have old crap coming up too.
But it is up to you, to push your way past the old ways of "protecting yourself" -- by being better at your job than the POAs are. Ultimately, they are going to make decisions you simply can't - and shouldn't - because your relationship with the old codger is task/hourly based. But it could be they're totally unfamiliar with ill/geriatric people... and what the whole "end of life" realm is all about. I think you are within your boundary to ask them about that. And have a list of things prepared, that they probably want to discuss among themselves - you can stay out of it; they should be asking his medical team questions and preparing "Plan B" - and then you're only a person helping implement that plan.
I do understand how it can make a person frustrated beyond belief at the sheer ignorance of some people of areas of knowledge we're familiar with; how they don't seem to look at the whole scope of a situation - nor even understand cause & effect. They might be going through a bit of denial about his age, chances of survival, and ability to bounce back after surgery. I have a hard time with people who only look at the present moment that's in front of them - and never understand "how they got here" nor where the situation is going.
It as it's a perceptual sense that some of us are born with. Though lately, I'm thinking it's more like some kind wavelength that people have chosen NOT to tune into... for whatever reason. Not like it's a skill that takes years of practice and study to master, you know?
Hopalong:
Realization. Sigh.
Working with this geNtleman has triggered a cascade of not caring for myself.
It's a weird (unfatal, but needs insight) reversal into what it was like caring for NMom.
My own-wellbeing tanked.
Figured out the connection over the last few days.
SAME personality. Mom returned in an old man's body.
His selfishness has driven all his friends crazy, he uses his stinginess like a weapon and toys with me about hours, continuing, etc. And I'm a servant, not a person (even though we've been co-congregants for over a decade). It's doable (and may end in two weeks) but it isn't pleasant.
I'm not deterred from the work and have met a couple ladies there who may need me. And I'll be fine. I have clarity and get to practice boundaries in a new round. It's okay. Okay-but kind of okay.
But the realization was rough. His friends have told me I'm spot on and have been very supportive.
Etcetera,
Hugs,
Hops
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