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How cosmic is this?

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sKePTiKal:
Hops, I'm more & more convinced that God or the Universe has a really sick sense of humor & irony.

There is a mystery in how/why (and it's not just unconscious motivation on our part) - long after we've dealt with our issues and moved on - there is at least one "echo" experience, where instead of being one of the main characters in the narrative plot - we're actually standing just enough outside of it to see the horror of it, but not succumb to it.

Sounds like this is your opportunity to take a step back from it. So you DON'T relive ALL of what you've already settled once & for all, again. Maybe it's a "test"... or a "proof"... that we learned the lessons inherent in that experience and have refined "us" to the point, that (as Mike was wont to say) it's just like water off a duck's back.

I think you "got this". And you know, you could start scheduling another patient into your calendar now; a few days anyway. So that you could smile sweetly in response to one of his demands and simply say: "Sorry, I'm not available that day". There are 2 ends to the chain he's trying to jerk you around with, ya know? Once he learns he must negotiate instead of command... he MIGHT start getting a clue. But I wouldn't count on it.

lighter:
Hops:

If you stick with this lesson, and don't try to force your way into being productive or focused on other things to feel better..... what happens next for you?

You don't feel like everything's OK now, and that's OK. 

Just stick with observing yourself in this lesson.... what comes next?

Lighter

Hopalong:
I've been looking for opportunities with some of the elders I meet. I need one or two more clients to earn what I'll need to, to get by okay. I'm not broadcasting my little flyer en masse, but now and then when I encounter a person I'll just give them one. It's a friendly, no-hype flyer with the header: How may I help? (I put a funny picture of me on a swing at the top...white hair flying...just to convey some personality. Then some bullet points about the things I can help with (non-medical and non-heavy-lifting)--shopping, sorting, tea & company, driving, light cooking, etc. A woman (80) who'd asked me to come into her apartment and help her open a window a week or so back called and I met with her today. She is I think the loneliest person I have ever met. No family, chronic bone disease, and a blunt (but not nasty) personality that seems not to mesh with the bridge-playing ladies who lunch at the facility. So much pain.

I just said I'd come and encourage her, help her with her closet sort and unpacking things she wants to get done, and walk her little dog (who seemed equally desperate for company). We're going to try once a week and see how it goes. I told her, you can change your mind at any time for any reason, and that is just fine. She had trouble letting me leave. Wrung my heart. But with her, unlike my gent, I felt a sense of purpose.

So I'm feeling better about the prospects of this PT thing actually working out. The downside is it can be challenging to schedule these folks around their meals, naps, and whatnots. I really really want to develop a routine where my writing is happening regularly. But I'm feeling that maybe if I take one day at a time and have some positive thoughts and a little faith, it may actually work out pretty well.

(I was in a depression trough last week or so -- as you could probably tell from my posts or lack of them -- but I'm talking to my MD tomorrow. It may be time for another round of Rx, though I've been very happy to be off them for about 15 years now. We'll see.) I feel better today because I've taken action and seem to be out of the stupor.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
Might have another client, which would help as the first gent is feeling better and has reduced my hours. This is a couple, who live in one of the fanciest places. They're nice. He's 92 but the person needing some company is his wife, 84, who's broken her shoulder (poor thing, obviously in real pain, which is hard to see). He is still quite mobile and active and has things to do and meetings to go to, etc, but doesn't want her to be alone--very concerned about her falling again. She is lovely but has early dementia--nothing startling except that her short-term memory is failing (so there'll be lots of repeating...I'm easy with that).

They're both very bright, accomplished and interesting. Waiting to see what kind of schedule they'd like. I'm glad about this. As long as I can limit the PT work to afternoons, and work on my awful circadian/sleep delay thing...maybe I'll be able to claim mornings for writing. The biggest downside is I never want to get out of bed. Soooooooooo not a morning person.

One day at a time.

Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I have it in my mind that I'm not a morning person either. I'm "retired" and if I don't want to get dressed till 10, so what?

And then, I have one of those days when I go to bed around 8:30-9, to indulge in some cozy reading... the eyes close automatically... and next thing I know I'm up around 5 or 6 am, same as if I was working. And I've had one of those blessed 8 hrs of sleep nights too.

Mike never understood my need to sleep that long. He was always a 4 hrs a night person. Even at the beach. But being able to give this to myself has helped in lots of small subtle ways, get me back to a balance again. But I'm starting to notice I need a little more structure now, too. A general schedule - not written in stone - so I'm devoting time across several things I'm working on.

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