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How Do You Manage Your Stress?

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sKePTiKal:
Sounds like your friend needs a little remedial boundary maintenance, Tupps. It can be gentle - but it has to be clear, in no uncertain terms. (Good luck finding that happy medium, btw... I'm terrible at it.)

Some gigantic chunk of sludge is working loose in me. It has to do with the pouty resistant inner child. Somewhere in the past few weeks I've realized the poor thing still feels really "needy" for validation. So much so, that it's practically a characteristic. So in the external day to day life, I'm still having to deal with a lot of paperwork type stuff; business stuff... but I'm really happy with the work I've been able to do fixing up my house so far... pulled in two directions, while in inner life - I'm overly conscious of that hole that needs filled.

3 things = stress for me. Which one do I deal with?? Before I reach nuclear meltdown stage?

Friday, by some miracle, I either finished or was a stopping point on those projects. I didn't have anything I "had" to do... so I didn't "do" anything except get ready for this last beach trip (last dentist appt). Yesterday, was drive all day - into spring weather. Today, after the appt... it's drive all day back to winter. LOL. I don't "think" when i''m driving - I just drive. And that really helps me "see" what's going on.

Instead of being super-tight in the shoulders, back hurts, hip hurts etc while driving I just consciously relaxed as much as possible. Even though I needed to get here at a specific time to have dinner with my friends. It doesn't sound like much... but just remembering to un-twist the tension that builds up HELPS lower the feeling of anxiety/panic/overwhelm. Set an alarm on your phone: every 3 hours or so... and take 2 mins to just consciously let the tension slide away - even while you carry on with what you're involved in. Some deep breathes, relaxing the muscles, visualize smoothing the nerves...

MIGHT help.

lighter:
Amber:

Scheduling TIME to decompress..... mindfully..... bc it's not something we DO otherwise.  Not consistently anyway.  It makes sense.  It's practical.  It serves a purpose, and who knows where it might lead, right?

This is the confusing part for me.  Self care used to be my life.  I didn't need to pencil it in or set an alarm.... I had an unspoken agreement with myself.  I worked out with a group of people I  liked, we developed awesome, but perishable, skills,  we went to dinner afterwards sometimes, did works of public service, and....... everything sort of fell in place around it.  Laundry, yard work, food, work, social life.... paperwork.  There was a good deal of balance, and...... I have a hard time remembering struggle from that time of my life. 

There was flow..... I'm pretty sure.... it was flow.   

What the heck is so hard about it now?!?!?  I'm confused, frankly.

Have we been convinced we're not worthy?  Driven to the edge.... lacking emotional room to maneuver, plan, and carrying through..... put flow in place?

Learned helplessness?

I think everyone here cares what other people think. 

I think we listen to what other people say..... we want everyone to be OK.... even the people who've harmed us very often, and......   

I think we're pulled in different directions consistently, and that we likely have a hard time honoring ourselves above all others....  51% right?

Confusion.  I feel confused about this topic.  Setting an alarm.... chunking self care and decompression so we don't physically fall apart..... don't emotionally drain down too far.

DOES it, on any level, create conflict to think through, and perform self care rituals as a priority for us?  Is that it?  Does self care bring up conflict with someone else in our life?  With what others think?  What we think of ourselves?  Tupp.... your cost is care for your son, but there's more to it, I think. 

Lack of balance is conflict.... it just is.  Our children not being OK creates conflict.

What would we have to face, now, in order to get self care straight, and on track for ourselves?

I used to DO it without a second thought.  It was my life.  I never questioned my worthiness, or lacked energy to carry it out as a habit I enjoyed.

What's changed now?  Why have some never been able to do it?  IS it the same thing?  Learning how to do it for the first time, and learning how to do what was once very easy?

Is it about some perceived conflict we're avoiding, I'm asking you?  Avoiding conflict is BIG for me.

Does self care, or the idea of it, create some conflict in our minds, IRL?

At a point I had to put down the self care rituals I used to enjoy for pragmatic reasons..... what others thought, and the power they had over my life and freedom.  I get putting it down, I get the fear around it, and connections to the fear NOW, even though the actual threats are over..... I hope.

And now I'm hearing from the pouty inner child that knows it wasn't fair, and hates the unfairness, Amber.  She's critical of the things I've tried, including trying to go back to the old patterns with new people in new places.  It wasn't the same, it was wrong, different, blah blah blah.... heartbreaking at times even.  I've tried. It's never going to be the same, and it's always going to be unfair and how do I stop the inner pouty child from popping up, and taking over?

Acceptance...... that might help me.... very likely.  Going over this helps me tease out the details of what was, what's been lost, and what's left. 

I can see glimpses of what could be, but there's other things, more powerful things, that pop up when I do.  It's where I live in my head that's hampering, I think.

A back and forth between outside stress pressing in.....
my hampered ability to respond/let go of the past.....inability to calm the pouty inner child.....
look ahead and see possibilities.... find the energy to plan, and put uplifting rituals in place while blocking out the negativity and resistance.... so I can create something I had once, without effort.

The word..... alchemy comes to mind. 

There's something dragging us back when we make strides, bc we do have good times/days/moments.   

My ability to respond.... to block out things... has been damaged. 
This see sawing is debilitating. 
::sigh::

I think this thread is helping.

Lighter









 

sKePTiKal:
FWIW... just free-associating from Lighter's post...

pouty inner child wants what WAS - that time it was all in balance - to LAST

Life is change; change means new stuff, bodies wearing out, patience wearing thin... change itself becomes a threat - instead of an opportunity

Are we really conscious of flow - while we're in it? Or is it only after the fact, we can recognize it? When we're "in flow", perhaps we ARE the flow?

-------------------------

Why is it, Alzheimers patients "become" someone else? Claim memories that clearly did not happen? Lose memories of important people, events?

Is it possible that identify, self, ego... is a random data-set of characteristics that is fluid, mutable - and in the end NOT ALL THAT IMPORTANT - as compared to "essence" or "being" that can select from any number of "unique, individual adjectives" and claim them for one's own? Is it the ownership here, that's the functionally important bit of ego?
----------------------

My theory about those pouty, rebellious, defiant inner girls is that they're madder than hell, and they'll show you (or him or whomever). They were on their own "good enough" track to growing and maturing and most importantly understanding life, themselves, where they wanted to be in it... and that was abruptly CHANGED... that they became zombies or poltergeists - free floating, untethered, and without loyalties... that last one, is important.

So the rest of us, continued on. Bodies grew and matured. We married, had kids, validated ourselves through careers, education... all the while thinking we'd moved on (and in some cases forgotten) those pouty girls - who regardless of acceptance that we did NOT do bad things to ourselves, nevertheless failed for whatever reason to PROTECT ourselves or escape.

I've mentioned mine as being super-needy; insatiable is the word that comes to mind. She will not be content, or satisfied. She has had her eyes opened, to the magic of how giving love - returns it. She has seen - in action - little ones validated by mom and despite what she KNOWS about mom, still wants that. Still gets the lesson reinforced, that it's not gonna happen in this lifetime. Pouty, angry Twiggy is yelling at her mom: YOUR TURN.... it's not a one-way street.

There are no substitutes in Twiggy's fantasized magic "counter spell" - to finally break her purgatory. It HAS TO BE MOM. And hence, the impasse.

Irresistable force meet immovable object.

Attachment theory gave me a framework for understanding what this was - but it didn't prescribe a remedy. Twiggy's original way of dealing with it, was to feel like an orphan. There is a bit of wisdom in that - because the processing of grief does allow one to become whole again. To not be fighting myself at the same time, when life throws us curveballs. Because that never stops.

Twiggy had a great aptitude for the logical, linear left brain dominance tasks... but she WAS more happily centered in the right-brain activities of her own little private world. Inner world. And she was in the process of learning how to balance that... when POOF... everything went to hell; shattered. Shattered is the only word that really describes that feeling and state of being.

A gazillion little pieces that couldn't possibly be put back together the same way again.

She had to be content with putting it back together as best she could. It wouldn't ever be the same; that's against all the laws of nature & science. It was the best way forward. But she still doesn't like it; still stubbornly clings to that - "I am who I am and I want Mom to say so; stop pretending I'm like her".

So, she has to continue grieving that real loss. It's never going to happen and wanting it - not giving it up or letting go - is being a jerk to me, and hurting herself. Blaming herself. Letting herself be stuck wanting the impossible. And she'll admit that this is true; that her choice of stubbornly continuing to struggle over this just runs in circles. And then, like the poltergeist - she'll unexpectedly show up and pick on ME - because mom's an "untouchable".

That's too much blathering; and not enough.

lighter:
Amber.... "Too much blathering; and not enough." 

Yup yup yup.

I'm digesting what you wrote.

The part about our inner young girls being angry.....
the "I'll give you ____________." 

It's so present and alive for me.  Has been.  I noticed it in 2010 as revelation.  I didn't recognize the pouty child piece, but that's exactly what it is!



Tupp:

About the guy with his hand on your knee.  I wonder if you've ever told him, with clarity, what it is you want, and don't want from him. 

If you've stated boundaries clearly, and he's stomping them over and over again....can you set him straight once and for all?  Do you dread his response, or has he ignored huge messages and boundaries?  Is there something overbearing about him that makes you apprehensive.... too apprehensive to speak?

If he's a nice guy he'll respect your NO, even if he's disappointment, IME.  If he's unclear on the rules of this game.... he needs to hear it..... simple, short and straightforward..... without emotion.  Friendly, but firm.  THEN listen and watch.....  how does he respond?

If he can't calm down, respect your stated boundaries, and enjoy what's in front of him.... maybe he won't continue to be a part of your life?  As Hops said to me.... he'll continue to overstep, bc he won't be able to control himself, and that's just too hard, IME. 

If he never understood the terms of engagement.... it's time you informed him, IMO.  He might respect spoken boundaries and become a better friend, but be honest with yourself about what he is saying and doing once you've clarified your position.

((((Tupp))))  It's just too hard to have some guy putting his hands on you, and ignoring your NOs, IME.   It takes too much energy to feel powerless, IME.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Yes, yes and yes to all of that, reading, digesting, felt confused, now things are making more sense :)

Inner child - I realised, literally in the last few minutes, that when I start to de-stress, have fun, relax, look after myself this enormous hole starts to open up inside me.  And when that happens I start looking to outside sources to fill it again.  I haven't been able to fix my mind to anything today; I've faffed about on the internet reading through forums, particularly reading over and over again vile, racist comments that make my skin crawl and make me feel ashamed to be a human being.  I kept thinking 'stop reading this, get off the internet, go for a walk' but I still kept reading and getting angry and upset sitting indoors on my own.  Eventually I went out and bought a cake, then we drove around for no reason and then we went for fast food.  All the time thinking 'why am I doing this, I'll wish I hadn't later' but still doing it.  And it was literally as I was reading through about the things you'd both written about the pouty inner child that I realised that's what it is; the stress fills the hole and when I start to lose the stress, the hole has to be filled with something else.  So I reach out for human contact the best I can (usually on the internet because it's safer than real situations) and that doesn't fill the hole with anything positive so then I start filling it with food instead.  What I could do and should do is fill that hole with something loving anc caring; yoga, some time in the garden, something to read or listen to, a really nice meal, a coffee with a friend.  But what I do instead is seek things that will only make me feel worse.

Need to ponder some more.  Wow.  Time to let go of some of this.  Thank you :)

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