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How Do You Manage Your Stress?

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lighter:
(((Tupp)))

I think de stressing/detoxing does open holes, take off the garbage lid, create overwhelming other feelings a new way of feeling that must be endured......  adjusted to if one can stick with it, and see where it goes. 

Through the abyss.... can't go around it, over it or under it.  One must crack on, and emerge from the other side.... likely?  Avoiding sure doesn't work, IME.  It must be the tackling, but HOW exactly to tackle.... I'm just not sure. 

I'm leaning more towards the subconscious mind.... subliminal approaches ..... rather than going straight at something, though straight at is in my nature.  Trying to dissect.... tease apart... understand and reason my way through just isn't cutting it, IMO.   If it was the most efficient way, it would be working better for everyone in T, kwim? 

I long to return to the Amazon bonfire.....  engage in ritual.  I long to sneak and sideline issues in ways they aren't expecting... haven't experienced before.  Side doors.... back doors.  Unexpected doors.

With that said, you're identifying negative patterns. 

You're naming them, and taking stock of them......
what you gain from them now. 
What purpose do they serve? 
They've helped you survive in the past, and perhaps honoring them, as the old warriors they are...... thanking them for their service is necessary on some level? 

Embracing them, with gratitude, makes it easier for them to let US GO? 

Maybe this isn't just about us letting them go. This isn't just about replacing old habits.... it's not, IME.   

It's necessary for those pieces of ourselves to feel safe enough..... to trust we'll be safe without them..... maybe?  Those defenses that have served so long, kicking in without thought.  Just there. 

I know some of this is about neural pathways.... deeply ingrained..... things trapped in our bodies.... so many layers and levels to dig out from, on top of being aware, and naming, replacing. 

It's unfair/unrealistic to expect anyone to shake off negative habits easily.  If lecturing and talking about them did the trick, healing would be more common in T's offices I would think.

I know that people who can't honestly self reflect have a more difficult, if not impossible time adopting better coping strategies, IME. 

If the toxic PD's harmful coping strategies are the incubation chamber for empaths negative coping stragies.... how does one approach the entire paradigm, with all it's moving parts.... so sense can be made, and understood? 
So. 
Many.
Moving. 
Parts. 

OVERWHELMING to contemplate the entire system, IME. 

Just contemplating ONE of our own negative coping strategies is overwhelming, IME.  Pushing it aside for a moment brings up overwhelming feelings. 

Has anyone here ever noticed holding tension in their muscles......... shallow breathing..... I have.  I know I do it to hold space... keep myself from feeling.  Since I was a child..... I've done this.  It's second nature, and part of what I am.  Trying to just STOP isn't helpful.  Approaching it from a mechanical place isn't working.  I can't intellectualize my way out of this one. 

back in the summer I worked on my breathing with the BIT practitioner.   I had a huge reaction neither of us saw coming.  I might have posted on it....not sure.  It was terrifying.

I fought that reaction, which looked and felt a lot like shock.... chattering of teeth,  physical shaking/shivering. I fought it tooth and nail.... with every fiber of my being.  It started in my torso and head, and I'd fight it down to my feet and legs, then fight it back up again... I just couldn't let it BE, and help it leave.  I just couldn't.  I also couldn't breath, which created panic.  Such a huge physical shock AND an emotional scare when I expected to find relief, and then....... couldn't breath at all. 

I'm interested in revisiting it, and that particular practitioner is interested in understanding too.  I hope we can figure out if muscles around the lungs, diaphragm area are shut down, and if so... can they be reactivated?  If so, what will that bring up?  Will things get much worse, or much better or both? 

Not sure, but I'm hopeful. 

Like you said, Tupp...... something will pop up when one things moves aside... it's just part of it. I wonder if we learn to trust, and somehow stop becoming overwhelmed before it lands.... will that be possible and make things move more quickly?

I know this.... I'm more interested in the BIT for it's ability to help release trauma than relieve learning disabilities, though that's an important aspect also, IMO.

::nodding::

Lighter



 

Twoapenny:
IMPORTANT - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY!

Sorry for the caps as well but I know some things leap out at us and catch us unawares.  Out of the blue, with no prompting from me, I'm starting to remember detail of being raped.

For a very long time now virtually all the details of being abused have been hazy at best.  A lot of what I remember is more physical flashbacks - I've experienced the sensations but no visual memory is attached to it, whilst the bits I do remember feel like watching a film or reading about something that happened to someone else.

It's very odd that you describe that very intense physical reaction, Lighter, because that's almost exactly what I woke up with in the early hours of this morning.  I was shaking and crying and saying 'no,no,no' over and over again, I felt intense pain and I felt absolutely terrified.  And with it are visual memories.  I can see him coming into my room, I can feel my body stiffening up and then I can feel intense pain and a feeling of suffocation.  I can see his shadow all the way through it and smell his breath, there's noise and then everything stops and there's literally nothing there.

I think the best thing for me for the next few days is to stay home and just practise lashings of self care.  I feel exhausted but also in some way exhilarated?  I'm not sure if that's the right word to use but I do feel some sort of release or finality, perhaps.  Anyway.  Lots of resting, relaxing and eating healthy food for the next few days, I think, while I wait for all of this to adjust and sink in. x

sKePTiKal:
Tupps - I am sorry you are finally able to retrieve those memories, complete with smell-o-vision to enable you to relive those times. But, I do know that sometimes this is the "going through" part to get to the "have gotten past" part. Journaling your feelings as those come back is important because we're usually too shaken at the time we remember to "see" anything useful. If you can't find anything useful, after taking a good amount of time to look for it - then, remembering is simple "poking a sharp stick in your eye" - and maybe best to not do it anymore.

I understand that hole you describe. My theory, for now, is that this is the void left in our "self" that should've had the mothering, the mirroring back to us, the gentle guidance of "no, that's yucky - here have this instead"... and the enforced routines of self-care. Yes, you DO have to brush your teeth more than once a day so you don't get cavities. (Oh, hey... this is why I have such dread of dentists... just put those pieces together. And yes, I've had to have extensive dental work done to correct the neglect of my teeth in childhood.)

Back to the "hole"... that attachment pair... caregiver<>child... also is supposed to generate a sense of being valued, cared for, protected, safety. But when caregiver is PD, it can be DANGEROUS to child to let this person care for them. So, I experienced role reversal - me caring for mom; but also being the object of extreme jealousy/envy... to the point where if I was cheerful, content, happy, and enjoying myself... mom saw that as me trying to rub it in, that she wasn't. I was trying to HURT HER (in her mind) by going elsewhere to find what I needed to feel content and whole. And yes, punishment followed when she was in her Jekyll/Hyde mode. If she was simply depressed, it was better for me and my brother.

So, I developed the coping mechanism of hiding any "treasure" I discovered in life under a bushel basket of negative camoflauge SO MOM WOULDN'T KNOW. So she wouldn't get angry & punish me. I got so good at it, I hid it from myself a lot of times. LOL. This kind of crap also made life more complicated than it really needed to be, used up a lot of mental/experiential time, and was generally that 16 Ton Anvil, overhanging daily life.

So I still have a lot of fear about simply enjoying life. The "other shoe" syndrome. And I'm absolutely terrible about letting people help me, treat me to something simple like dinner, (OMG, they're being nice to me!! What bad thing follows??) and I'm totally convinced about my ability to survive as a human - all curled up as small and as invisible as I can be without attracting any attention - that coming out of the grief process over Michael, moving, dealing with new and unforeseen circumstances - I was exhausted and my brain knew the old well-worn neural tracks Lighter's talking about.

And the brain went there and I was simply too tired to resist. But I'm recovering now. Having "new experience" dreams... not old stuff... have sanely lost some weight through more physical activity than I've had in YEARS... and still had plenty of time to just sit and watch fat snowflakes drift through the air. I think we can learn to stand apart from those neural reflexes - and gain a small micro-second of "choice" before simply treading the old ruts... that will let us choose something different THIS TIME.

Takes a lot of practice.

Hopalong:
Oh, (((((Tupp.)))))

Coincidentally, I just watched a documentary ("Call Me Lucky") today that was about the very thing you experienced, and wound up being one of the most inspiring films I've seen in my life.

He raged and thought and fought and thought some more...and one of the things he also conveyed as an adult was, going through the memories, ghastly as it can be, is key to healing from them.

You are no longer alone and that bastard...I can't believe he walks the streets.

Big gentle hug,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thank you both, I'm doing fine and whatever is going on I feel like it's released or moved something that's been stuck for a very long time.  I'm glad I wrote it down because it's already faded and I didn't really remember how intense it felt until I re-read what I wrote two days ago.

Funny that you mention that film, Hops, because I'd been watching a series that was about a small group of people who'd been abused as children and who'd made a pact to kill each other's abusers as adults.  So much of it was ringing true with me so I think something in that stirred things up and set something free.  I feel better for it, though.  I've looked after myself and had a very lazy day watching films, napping and eating well.  I'm looking into full time education options for my son and I'm thinking again about re-training once he's sorted out.  I'd like to start seeing the lovely therapist again - I've no child care at the moment but I'm waiting for social services to get back to me about sorting out some help so fingers crossed I can sort something out, even if it's just once a fortnight.  I'm doing okay.  Thank you for being there, as always :) x

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