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How Do You Manage Your Stress?

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Twoapenny:
Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages.  I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).

Soooo - Day 1 of healing!  Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit.  I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on.  So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on.  So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat).

I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan.  Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable.  I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).

I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).

He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test.  I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted.  There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak.  I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head?  Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life).  So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie.  But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.

So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with!  He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing.  Go him :)

I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds.  But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away.  I don't need them now.

I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Will update tomorrow!  Thank you :) x

Twoapenny:
Day 2 :)

Was 35 minutes into a phone call this morning when I realised that (a) everything the other person was talking about was negative or problematic and (b) despite being on the phone for 35 minutes I had yet to speak!  Politely ended the call; what was interesting was that I had planned to phone a lot of people over the weekend to catch up on their news but because that call had tired me out I found myself mentally crossing people off my list of people to phone because I wouldn't be able to cope with listening to them.  I realised that some of my friends cope with problems; they talk about them but they deal with them at the same time, they're quite philosophical, if things are bad they focus on a time when things will be better and how other people have it much worse.  Other friends cycle through the same problems over and over and don't take much action to resolve them.  I realised that it isn't that I don't like those people, I just don't want to listen to their problems because they're always the same!  So I've made a mental pact with myself to stick to text with some people and use phone for others :)

Didn't feel as tired or under the weather today.  I've done a bit more cleaning and a bit more painting.  We went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping.  I cooked a nice tea and had a nice bath.  I did my yoga this morning and enjoyed it a lot and have some night time meditations for when I go to sleep this evening.  I haven't actively done any work on 'the abuse' because I'm trying to go with how I feel at the minute, and what I'm feeling is creating a nest and lots of comfort.

Bettyanne:
Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son.  My only brother was born with cerebral palsy,  leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically.  Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time.  I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition.  When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that.  When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk. 

Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother.  My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard.  I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was.  So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home.  But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother. 

But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......

I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo

lighter:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 31, 2017, 03:45:03 PM ---Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages.  I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).

Soooo - Day 1 of healing!  Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit.  I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on.  So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on.  So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat). Good for you!  Just  noticing the SHOULDs, and naming them.... acknowledging them is powerful, IME.

I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan.  Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable.  I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).Yes yes yest to mommy food in the fridge and freezer.  I cooked a ham, and a pork butt on Saturday filling the house with lovely smells, and comfort food.  New potatoes and green beans with the pork butt were just right. 

I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).

He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test.  I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted.  There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak.  I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head?  Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life).  So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie.  But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.  I know that shot of adrenaline with people do bad and shocking things without concern for our children.  I hope you can stop the spiral, pay attention to what feelings come up, and just sit with them till they're diminished or banished.  I'm not really shocked bio d is doing this.... just sad that it seems to have no end.  And it will end, Tupp.  Just know that. /color]

So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with!  He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing.  Go him :)  Yay yay, Tupp.  I was going to say you can resist jumping through hoops and disproving negatives... we don't always have to do do do that, though it's still a rather new conclusion for me.  Revelation, actually.

I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds.  But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away.  I don't need them now.Yes, have them, name them, sort them, give them space inside your intenal world to inhabit, and more space opens up for shiny new things, IME: )

I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Will update tomorrow!  Thank you :) ((((Tupp))))  x

--- End quote ---

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Bettyanne on April 01, 2017, 05:04:52 PM ---Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son.  My only brother was born with cerebral palsy,  leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically.  Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time.  I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition.  When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that.  When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk. 

Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother.  My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard.  I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was.  So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home.  But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother. 

But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......

I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo

--- End quote ---

Thank you, BettyAnne.  Sorry to read of your brother's difficulties, what happened once your grandma couldn't care for him any longer?  Selfish parents and disabled children just don't mix (selfish parents and children without disabilities aren't a good combination either but having a child that can't adjust if they're neglected emotionally or physically is just way out of the sphere of an N parent, I feel).  My mum spent years making false allegations about my son (claiming his disabilities were the result of abuse that I inflicted on him).  I have wondered if she just couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention and had to put the limelight back on her in some way.  It was funny that she has been so critical of the way in which myself and my sister parent (ie by loving our kids and putting them first) and yet she has always refused to even begin to tolerate the idea that our childhood was anything less than perfect.  Odd situation.  Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.  My boy is doing pretty well at the moment so things are moving along well, and the weather has perked up which just makes everything easier :)

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