How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

The girls knew some things, but were largely in the dark about the negative aspects of the paternal side of the family.... which seems odd, looking back.  I didn't tell them bc I was lazer focused on shielding them from it.  Children are 50/50 mom and dad in their hearts... I wanted them to feel strong, and whole.  I shared only positive information about the paternal side of the family..... there are positive things, and it wasn't easy to focus on them, but it felt like an imperative when the kids were small..... all the way up to present, really. 

Two things can be true at the same time. 

Sheltering them  harmed them and me, certainly, in several ways, but there were no good choices.  Telling or not telling.   I think we're all shocked together.  I have distance now, and perspective I didn't have before.  It's a shocking story.

Pulling weeds for 6hours yesterday was walking meditation.  I was looking forward to 6 more hours today, but it's raining.... and my back is complaining. 

Final analysis.... I'm glad I protected the children, but wish I'd given them a bit more information about the paternal side of the family along the way.  It would have felt corrosive, however.... like pouring acid on their souls.

I have to say this about both of my children.... they're very compassionate towards their paternal grandparents.

They're just now able to look at me with as much compassion, IMO.  I think I did the best I could at the time.

I think my children believe everyone was doing their best.  They understand their Grandparents were operating from a wounded place.  My oldest was very effected by paternal grandmother's words against me.... designed to weaponize my child.  Some people's understanding of children as weapons...
::shaking head::
leveraging children's emotional and physical safety.....
 I won't ever understand.
I'll likely always be triggered, but I have to find some way to make peace with it.  My children healing is the beginning of that, IME.

It's been a struggle to not be bitter about it.  Esp when the harmful people present themselves as victims or DO terrible things while claiming it's in the interest of the children they're harming.

 You know there are people who believe them..... you know those ignorant people don't want the facts. They want to believe the fiction.... maybe their lives would be hell if they dared question it.  Maybe they heard a version of the story that provoked a very strong emotional response... Judges, etc...... I don't know.  What I do know is that my life is better when I transcend the past, forgive those who do damage, and find a way to be present here and now.

It does come and go.
Lighter
ps  It's very difficult to transcend when the nutters continue to do harm, IME. 

[Twoapenny]

It's very difficult to know what to tell, and when, and how, and to also be aware of your own state, whether or not you are being fair/reasonable/objective, too fair, too understanding, and also having to cope with their emotions when your own are in such a state of flux.  I love what you said about it being difficult to transcend when the nutters come to do harm!  So very true, keeping your own mind and your own calm wave length is very difficult when other people are firing rockets at you.  An idea keeps floating through my mind of some sort of communal living space where people can stay whilst going through tough times.  The loneliness was very hard to cope with during all of our 'stuff' and I always thought having a supportive community would have been lovely.

The weekend has been an odd one.  My step-brother came for the day on Saturday (it was his birthday).  He has learning difficulties and a difficult/unpleasant personality (he is very much his father's son and it's difficult to know where the learning difficulties end and the personality problems start).  His blood family do nothing for him (his dad didn't even give him a birthday card).  I do not have the heart to just leave him by himself all weekend so invited him for lunch.   By the end of the day I was ready to shoot myself and am still tired now.  We went to a friend's for a drink in the evening; it was nice but a couple of hours was more than enough.  We did quite a bit on the Sunday as my son's health is picking up so we made the most of it.  I feel unnourished - not in a food way but in a soul way.  I don't feel I have anywhere near enough deep, meaningful connections in my life.  I don't feel that I am being nurtured in anyway, either by myself or anyone else.  I am doing yoga and meditating, eating fairly well, resting, but it feels like something is missing; I'm not really sure what.  People, maybe, loving connections?  I'm not sure.  I feel that I would like someone I could sink into sometimes, without having to explain what's wrong or why I feel the way I do.  Just that unconditional acceptance, I suppose.

[Twoapenny]

I think it is time to say bye bye nice girl Tup.  And probably bye bye Facebook as well.  And maybe just generally bye bye to a lot of people from my past.  This is a bit rambly so bear with me!

Yesterday I had to go for an afternoon nap because the weekend had tired me out so much.  I also felt very anxious and unsure of myself, I think because I'd had to go the doctor for my pap smear (I don't know if you call them that in the States?  But the check you have done to catch cancer of the cervix in its early stages).

I have had 'women's problems' ever since I started my periods when I was fourteen.  I've had numerous interventions regarding cancer of the cervix over the years, always before any major problems occur, fortunately.  There is now a problem with doing the smear tests as it isn't always possible to get to it, apparently, so I'd had a nurse poking about in there for ten minutes without any luck last month, thereby necessitating the visit to the doctor to try again, which meant another ten minutes of poking around.  It's quite painful, very embarrassing and I was lying there thinking there's really not much difference between this and being raped.  Even though consent is given, I only give it because having cancer is worse than having the test so it doesn't really feel like a choice (and obviously I am very sensitive to that sort of stuff because of the earlier abuse).

Anyway, I got very upset about the whole thing and I'm pretty sure it was largely because I'd spent the day with my step-brother at the weekend and obviously that triggers a whole lot of stuff, plus he is just a nightmare to spend time with and very tiring.  I only see him because I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to feel lonely and a big part of that is down to being NICE GIRL TUP.  I do always feel very compelled to help people out and I don't want to lose that aspect of my personality but at the same time I think I do need to remember that I actually need a lot of care and support that I don't get and the same is true of my son.

A former friend posted on Facebook that she was having a tough time, I offered to help.  She said that she'd sorted help out now but would love to see us so I made arrangements to visit this week.  This morning she's posted a load of racist stuff on Facebook and I just don't want to be around it.  I found I was already rattling through in my head, fact checking so that if she says something when we visit I can politely point out the inaccuracy of the posts she's been putting up (it's all to do with money refugees are given to live on and it's basically all false and designed to get people riled up and angry so it's not opinion, it's proveable fact).  I was starting to get anxious about going and could feel myself putting on my armour and then I thought, no, NICE GIRL TUP!  Why are you putting yourself in this position?  Go and visit someone you can chat with without having to memorise a load of numbers so that you don't have to sit there and agree with the nonsense they're talking.

And so it went on.  And actually, as I'm writing this, it's making me realise that the Universe was pointing a big stick at me and saying "Get rid of these people, turkey brain!".  My sister is still posting paedophile stuff on Facebook; I keep hiding the sites she's posting but she keeps finding new ones and putting them up and the utter blindness of the reality of her own family is just so typical of my entire bloody family.  It was my niece's birthday at the weekend and we weren't invited to her party and I would lay money it was because my mum was in the area and might have popped in - and my sister doesn't have the balls to say 'Tup's coming with son so you'll have to meet with us another day'.  Needless to say my mum didn't visit anyway (I knew she wouldn't) and I'm not playing second fiddle to that basket of crazy.

Anyway - I need to stop doing nice things for people that really don't appreciate it (or even notice it, a lot of the time) and concentrate on doing nice things for myself so that will be today's lesson for me.  Thank you for reading all that waffle lol x

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

I was asked by my 14yo dd yesterday if I noticed how often I end up in bad positions.... taken advantage of... that sort of thing.  She asked bc I was unable to tell her she can have or wear my wedding dress when she marries....

bc.....

I loaned my wedding dress to someone who not only hasn't returned it, but I do believe they had no intention of wearing it when they took it.  That seems odd to me as I write it.  I can't imagine DOING that.... it makes zero sense to me, and therefore.... I feel rather lost contemplating it. 

That means I offer to do things and do things when asked that I HAVE NO BUSINESS OFFERING OR DOING in DD's opinion, and it was funny that she said it bc I was just starting to have similar thoughts myself.

About my dress.... I finally asked it be returned to me, which means it must be packed and brought back across the planet.  I was told..... "If ___________ isn't loaded down with other stuff, she'll bring it."    WTH?

That pretty much says I won't ever see it again....that I was a foolish fool for extending that kindness.  Except I once borrowed a wedding dress for a relative to wear.... took it outside the US, had it repaired when back in the US and thanked the person for allowing me to use it AS I RETURNED THE DRESS as soon as a priority.  Does that me a fool too?  That I returned it in as good a shape as I borrowed it?  See.... it never occurred to me to do anything else.  It wouldn't.

Tupp..... I have some pretty messed up expectations...... I expect that people will DO and FEEL the way I do.  It's so whack.... that I haven't figured that out yet, and stopped. 

I hereby today, this the 25th day of April, give us both permission to STOP being nice to everyone no matter how they treat us.  I hereby find that we are released from being nice people to those who haven't earned or have lost our trust.  To those who have treated us badly, or are unsafe in general. 

That's easy to say, but how will we handle the riots in our hearts and heads when we start saying NO and stop offering to do nice things?  I'm going to put my hand on those places, and pay attention to them..... I'm going to do my best not to give in and do do do nice things to stop the riot in the moment.

I'm sorry you had a rough day with the sb and sorrier about the painful doctor's office..... you're so tough, and amazing..... you got the job done, but dang......

Find a good nurse practitioner with some skills or doctor and stick with them if you can is my suggestion.  Some people are more talented than others, and you deserve to have a very competent person handling your medical care (((Tupp))).

The same with drawing blood from tiny deep veins..... some people are great at it, and worth following or waiting for, IME.

I've been outside on a glorious day.... just glorious.  Go out into your garden, and pull weeds..... plant.... plan. It's going to be OK.

Lighter   

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, your DD!  How is it that kids can be so perceptive and see things quicker than we do?  Maybe because they're not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality and they can see the reality quicker.  She's amazing - can I borrow her for a while?   I'm sorry your dress is not where it should be though.  I am just like you; If I borrow something it goes back asap, usually with a little plant or some choccies as a thank you.  I do expect/assume everyone will be like me and do the right thing and it still surprises me when people don't!  So yes, I am grateful for the permission to stop being nice!  I've really conked out today, I've been so tired that I've got very little done and there is so much I could be doing to benefit myself and son (including just going out somewhere nice or cooking some nice food) and I thought, no, you've given to others, as usual, and now that you're knackered and worn out you're sitting here on your own because no-one else give's a tiny rat's arse.

I have taken a few steps; I cancelled going to see the friend I don't really want to see (and who isn't a friend), I've stayed off Facebook, my sister texted with details of her father in law's health problems and I've just said get well soon, step brother is now on the 'do not answer the phone' list.  I've jobs I want to get on and get done this week so I am concentrating on myself and son and everyone else can sort themselves out.

I do hope you get your dress back, though!  I just couldn't be that blase about someone else's things.

[Twoapenny]

Back on the game a bit today.  Yesterday was a total write off, I ate loads of crap, watch a couple of films and faffed about on YouTube for no particular reason but you know what, I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it, I needed to let off a bit of steam and hibernate a bit whilst my brain sorted itself out so it's fine.  I feel better this morning, more with it and up to getting a few things done.  I have already practised my barriers; my sister texted this morning to say she'll ring later to update me on father in law's situation and I can see I've got myself into the same situation with her that I have with so many others; I've become an unofficial counsellor because the people she chooses to have in her life don't listen or talk things through.  I would love someone to ring me because they want to share their good news with me, not because they want to offload!  Maybe I should advertise myself as a good news receiver   Anyway, I've told her we're out; the other thing I notice with a lot of people I know who are part of a couple is that they always want to chat during the day, because evening is 'hubby' time and they don't want to cut into it.  I don't mind not speaking to people for days at a time any more (in fact I quite like it now) but equally I like my evenings to be a bit different to the day and I did realise a while back that one of the reasons I was still rushing around at 9pm was because I'd spent half the day listening to everyone else's news and didn't get on with what I needed to do.  Maybe that counts as two boundaries practised this morning?

Anyway, I have quite a long to do list but I'm doing it in little bits and pieces.  I'm going to try and get back to the healthy eating a bit today and might move my desk from the sitting room into my bedroom.  Also fancy a walk and hoping to do some work on the van if it stays dry

[Twoapenny]

I was meditating this morning and I picked one that was about grounding yourself and setting boundaries so that other people's energy doesn't negatively affect your own.  I suddenly felt a real pang of sadness that I couldn't pick the phone up and talk to my mum, or pop round to see her.  That got me thinking through the day about how much harder life is when you don't have family around you to give you something to lean on when things are difficult, to celebrate your successes with you, to hug you and want to be around you and to want things to go well for you.  It's left me with a sense of wondering how to create a family.  I've got friends but it doesn't feel the same because they've got their own families who take priority, however good the friendship is (and rightly so!).  I'm wondering whether there should be a rescue centre for abandoned adults the same way there is for abandoned dogs

[Hopalong]

Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)

It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).

Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.

You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)

It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.

It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.

I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.

Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)

It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).

Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.

You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)

It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.

It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.

I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.

Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.

love,
Hops

Lol, I quite like being dragged to places, Hops, so that would work well   I'm good, I just had that moment yesterday of wanting to be with someone I really love and who loves me.  Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, doesn't it.  I had this image in my mind of a real earth Mother type, someone who'd swoop me up and just say comforting things, make soup, make it all better.  I gave it to myself, though, I got lots of little jobs done, ate well, arranged to meet a friend and so on.

Yes the boundaries take practise, don't they?  I've not heard from her since (and did text last night to say I was free if she wanted to call) and this has been a common theme with so many people in my life; if I set a boundary I don't hear from them again and it's what often scares me and stops me doing it.  But I don't care anymore, I've really realised I have got to put my boundaries in place otherwise it's me and my son that suffer and I'm not going down that road.  I'm tired today but all in all things are good - I moved the desk into my bedroom and am finding it much easier to work in there than I was in the sitting room.  I've managed to reconnect the printer (I think!) - new laptop so everything had to be reinstalled but I think I've done it so almost back on top of things again.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot

[lighter]

Tupp:

My kiddos are definitely not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality..... much better at taking care of themselves and their own stuff than I am, for sure.

About the dress.... having figured out how things went sideways.... I take responsibility for my part in it, and will be OK if it comes back or doesn't.  No hard feelings.... spoke to my friend about it, one mother who loves her dd's to another mother who loves her dds and grandchildren.... we want our kiddos to be OK so badly.  We want that together.  All will be well... no matter what.  All will be well, and I will be mindful going forward.  Maybe that's the most important piece in all this.... feels like it is.

Tupp do you ever feel like you've left one level of BEING and entered another?  I mean..... left behind how you typically FEEL..... and shifted to feeling a whole'nuther way?  I do.  Sometimes it's huge, and sometimes it's small, but the important part is that I see that feeling isn't something we're at the mercy of.  We can identify it, and shift out or more deeply INTO feelings, and perceptions around what's going on around us. 

It's interesting and for me I think that making sense of what's happened to me, at all different stages of my life, is one catalyst making this possible.  Sometimes there's nothing in particular happening when I note feeling different.
It's almost like I've left a part of the world I used to live in, and have changed Countries...... emotionally speaking.  THAT kind of shift in what I think..... like a part of my every day life has been excised and removed.... just lifted OUT of my brain and is no longer on line interacting with my surrounding, kwim?

I assume this is more to do with parts of my brain calming down.... allowing other more creative parts to come online.  For me, this is the key.... at least right now it is.

I've read the same information delivered in so many ways..... I recognize it,  and try to distill it down to it's most basic form so I can internalize the important aspects FOR ME, and move on without having to keep revisiting and informing over and over. 

I realize I can't meditate in the way I used to assume meditation had to be approached..... just can't pull it off. 

Dr. Dan Siegel's WHEEL OF AWARENESS meditation is something I enjoy.  Look it up on his website on YOUTUBE... it's worth the time, Tupp.

I also enjoy tapping, and just paying attention to my internal world in my own silence.... no intention to meditate... just being aware, curious..... resisting judgement.  THESE are likely part of the shift......opening space to make necessary connections that otherwise wouldn't be apparent if I was trying to force them, kwim?

Pulling weeds...... wonderful space to make connections in my own way.  I'm lucky I have about 6K more bags of grass and weeds to pull....... 6 bags down, woo hoo!

Lighter
ps  Once again, Tupp has permission to say NO thank you, or I have to think about it, when she wants to say NO or Let me think about it.  She should replace YES with those responses, and feel entitled to do so.  So sayeth Lighter, this the 27th of April, 2017: )

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I definitely feel like I move onto different planes of being and my awareness/understanding/logic or whatever it is moves to a different place; I see things I didn't see before, I start enjoying stuff I haven't enjoyed before, I want to leave behind things (and people) that I don't feel like I fit with anymore.  Yes, yes and yes.

I will check out the meditation you mention, thank you, and I'm glad you've found some peace with the dress, however it comes back (or not!).

Thank you for the permission, again, I needed it today!  Sister wanting to talk on the phone again (we really were out this time), a very frustrating drive to collect the paint for the flat and a feeling of being a child who isn't trusted to make decisions.  The paint is paid for by the local authority, who own the flat, which is great, but there's a limited range of colours to choose from and no choice in the finish of the paint (gloss, matt, eggshell etc), plus they give you the amount they say you will need (which I don't think will be enough as some of the rooms will definitely need two coats).  So whilst I'm grateful for the home and someone else paying for the paint, I do feel that I'm being treated like a child who can't be trusted to choose sensibly.  And it happens a lot, and it's all to do with not having much money, and that's completely to do with having a child with disabilities and so that level of discrimination that comes into play with everything we do kind of got to me today (more so because the paint depot is on the edge of a carpark behind a road and there's no signage so it took an age to find and I was in a bad mood by the time I got there lol).

We went from there to a friend's place and she talked for two hours, non-stop.  I had a headache, tried to break into the conversation a couple of times and did manage it but only for a short while and then it was back to her.  I find more and more now that I look for solutions rather than drama, and quite quick ones - if so and so is being an idiot, keep away from so and so, if this situation is causing a problem, avoid the situation and so on.  I feel now that I have to pick my battles and a lot of the small every day stuff just isn't worth the energy.  I don't know if I'm all analysed out?  I used to love going over and over things with people and working out she said this and he said that and then they said, and so on, but now I find I'm not interested?  I think I wouldn't have minded listening to two hours of a really serious problem but a lot of it was stuff that I wouldn't have considered a problem (largely because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place).  I just don't seem to have the energy for other people any more.

Anyway, we saw a film after that which was very funny, dinner's on and this evening should be nice and quiet.  I'm trying to avoid the judgement

You have a lot of weeding to do, Lighter, will that be what you do over the weekend? x

[lighter]

Well.... there's power in the words.....

"Let me know how that works out for you."

We can't fix everyone's problems. 

Imagine how much energy we'd have for ourselves if we believed that, and stopped trying.

My youngest said to me today.....

"You should mind your own business", and she's right.  She really is.  Minding our own business means we pay as strict attention to solving our own problems.  I think we could do much better at that, Tupp.

Yes.... I'm pulling weeds.  Lots and lots of weeds. The yard looks better, but bald in places grass used to grow.  I'll pull up moss from the wood edge and make everything green again.  The Preen weed stopper received rain.... all watered in.  I'm hoping it does the job it's supposed to do.... keep seeds from germinating for 3 months so I can get a handle on this. Maybe I'll get the yard I want this years.  If not, then next year.

I'm not going to poison the grubs just yet.... the moles burrowing make it easier to pull the deeper weeds.  They're my friends at this point.  I never would have guessed I'd feel that way about them, but I do.

I'm looking forward to cleaning up all the borders and beds and edges of things. I'm good at that kind of work when I can focus.  This time last year I couldn't see my yard past hiring someone to mow it.  I just wanted it to not look worse than when I bought it.  How stupid was it to spread all those grass and weed seeds with a mower?  Not this year... nope nope nope. 

It's me and the moles, and at least one sassy chipmunk rolling around in the dirt together, and I love it.  Not enough to go barefoot, and gloveless all the time, but maybe a little.  Did you love the feel of dirt between your toes when you were a child?  I did.  Still do. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Well.... there's power in the words.....

"Let me know how that works out for you."

We can't fix everyone's problems. 

Imagine how much energy we'd have for ourselves if we believed that, and stopped trying.

My youngest said to me today.....

"You should mind your own business", and she's right.  She really is.  Minding our own business means we pay as strict attention to solving our own problems.  I think we could do much better at that, Tupp.

Yes.... I'm pulling weeds.  Lots and lots of weeds. The yard looks better, but bald in places grass used to grow.  I'll pull up moss from the wood edge and make everything green again.  The Preen weed stopper received rain.... all watered in.  I'm hoping it does the job it's supposed to do.... keep seeds from germinating for 3 months so I can get a handle on this. Maybe I'll get the yard I want this years.  If not, then next year.

I'm not going to poison the grubs just yet.... the moles burrowing make it easier to pull the deeper weeds.  They're my friends at this point.  I never would have guessed I'd feel that way about them, but I do.

I'm looking forward to cleaning up all the borders and beds and edges of things. I'm good at that kind of work when I can focus.  This time last year I couldn't see my yard past hiring someone to mow it.  I just wanted it to not look worse than when I bought it.  How stupid was it to spread all those grass and weed seeds with a mower?  Not this year... nope nope nope. 

It's me and the moles, and at least one sassy chipmunk rolling around in the dirt together, and I love it.  Not enough to go barefoot, and gloveless all the time, but maybe a little.  Did you love the feel of dirt between your toes when you were a child?  I did.  Still do. 

Lighter

Wow, your DD!  She's spot on!  It is hard to know where the line between doing someone a favour and doing yourself no favours is.  You'll be asking your kids for advice, Lighter, what an amazing thing   And a chipmunk!  How cute.  I love moles as well, I know people don't like what they do in the garden but I think they're so cute.

Gardens are difficult to get right, I think, especially when you take on what someone else has created (or left, depending on the situation).  But it all gets sorted eventually.  I'm just concentrating on keeping mine tidy for now, it's nice to see what's growing and the birds are all nesting as well which is really cute.

I did realise today that I've been very silly for a long time!  I had a flurry of contacts from people over the last couple of days and everyone is off having a lovely weekend, seeing friends, spending money, going on far away trips.  And I realised that these people all put themselves and their families first, and I don't.  I still prioritise other people and go visiting people when I could save the money and take myself and my boy away, or just use it to pay for someone to watch him for me so that I can have some time off.  It made me realise that I have simply got to start putting him and myself first and stop rushing around after other people.  I've cut the grass this morning and I'm going to work on the van after lunch.  I keep putting if off because I worry about getting it wrong but I'm just going to get on with it and hope for the best   Enjoy the gardening! x

[lighter]

Tupp:

What would it look like.... if you spent your time and resources on only yourself?  For a month, or two or three?

What would change for you?  What would be possible that hasn't been possible before?

What can you give yourself that you haven't had access to before?  Going places?  Doing things locally?

::scalp crawling::  I just found another tick.  This one crawling up my left thigh....on my jeans.  He's presently with the other ticks..... under tape.  He was another big one.

I finally talk my dd14 into enjoying the river, we've never explored together before.  We enjoyed the rocks, and cold cold water in the heat of the day, and were happy and glad together.  There was laughing, and DD said she was very happy to be there with me..... she wanted to do it again, explore more, and find even better places in the river. 

On the way back to the car dd and I were wondering what might live in the very deep obvious holes in the earth we were stepping over when a lovely Black Racer snake popped into view.  It was sunning itself just above the holes and to the left.... maybe 4 feet long but curled under a branch so it looked like two snakes...

snake central. 

::nodding::

 I was walking by it as I saw it... all my weight was committed and I had to go over it, mitt pug.  DD stopped and went the other way.

Looking back, I'm sure there was a lot of squealing, though I only remember saying "SNAKE!" then going fast. 

  The other interesting thing about that trail was all the deer tracks.
 Lots and lots of deer tracks. 

Ummm... what time of year do they get frisky...
and aggressive? 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Snakes and ticks!  I would be having a nervous breakdown, lol.  We don't have many snakes in the UK; you sometimes see an adder basking in the sun when the weather's good but I think that's probably only happened to me three times in the forty plus years I've been around.  I'm not keen on more sightings!  The river sounds lovely, though, I remember the first time I put my boy in a stream and his little face, he was so excited.  It's so nice to make those good memories.

And how funny you saying about only focusing on myself for a while because I've been thinking about that over the weekend.  How much more could I do, how many different places could I visit, what could I afford if I stopped rushing around fitting people in and spending money I don't really have spare?  I think it could be nice.  I'm going to have a lazy day today; I do feel very tired - I've given up caffeine again so my artificial energy is nowhere to be seen and I do feel the difference!  So today might be a feet up kind of a day.

I don't know about the deer?  Would they run at you if it were mating season?  I hope the ticks go, they're not nice little creatures!