How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Hopalong]

To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.

I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.

It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.

I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.

I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.

It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.

I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.

love,
Hops

Well I am going to get that book now, Hopsie, and find out!

Thank you for your kind words.  I'm still not sure I quite understand how I'm feeling at the mo.  I'm very tired, almost like a big dam has broken down.  I embraced my list free existence this morning and as a result we were late for sailing (because I'd forgotten to sort my son's drinks out and get his sailing kit ready) and when we got home I realised I'd forgotten to feed the cat as well but do you know what, why is that such a big deal (the cat was quite annoyed but she's a well fed puss so having to wait a couple of hours wasn't the end of the world)?  I knew what my T meant all that time ago about lists being a need for control but I feel like I've literally only just really understood what she was saying.  Isn't it funny how you can understand something on an intellectual level but not really get it emotionally?  Hopefully it's a sign that another big chunk of something has shifted - I'm not sure what yet!  We have three days coming up now where we have nothing planned or arranged so I think I'm going to experiment with going list free and see what happens

[Twoapenny]

Something else that's been going through my mind is that I've had this thing for years where I felt/thought that the child abuse situation we were in a few years back (which ended with me returning to live in the area I grew up in) was another sort of cosmic event that would eventually have a good outcome, mostly in the form of a relationship and for many years I have assumed that I would end up with an old flame (of which there were many!), to the extent that I actually spent quite a lot of time reconnecting with old friends and boyfriends.  And again I am realising, albeit very belatedly, that I outgrew all of these people years ago, as a teenager, when I had my dreams of going to drama college and traveling the world and really wanted to do something with my life.  We've an election going on here at the minute which always makes tempers flare and brings out views that don't generally come to the surface in day to day conversation, and so many of the comments I've seen on Facebook have made me realise that I was right, all those years ago, to walk away from so many people that I just don't have very much in common with.  I've spent such a long time thinking there was meaning in all the bad stuff that happened to me and that something good would come from it, some sort of reward, but now I'm thinking it was just my mum being an arse and it's taken me ten years to put my life back together.  The good thing that has come out of that is I've realised I didn't do something wrong way back when.  I was on the right path, she just derailed me (for a long time!).  But I'm back on it now and I really feel that I want to leave the past where it is and focus much more on my future (and get some sleep, I keep checking the election results and it's getting really late here, lol)

[lighter]

Tupp:  I wrote this post yesterday morning, and my session timed out.... didn't see it refused to go through till this morning.  I'll read your posts and post again later (((Tupp))). 

Just bc you realized you wouldn't have been friends with the people you've had in your life......

just bc you understand your life would have been different if you'd put distance between yourself and the people who've been in your life......

just bc.

It is what it is.

 There were reasons. 

There were circumstances. 

Your mother put you between a rock and a hard place. 

She hindered you, and your ability to respond. 

She sabotaged you.

That's your past, and you need to be aware of it.  Of course you do.  Enlightenment means you don't have to learn the same lessons again and again. 

I'm curious, Tupp.....
about this next phase in your life....

what will you do with it?

Will you look at your original dream with fresh eyes?  What's there?  What about teaching drew you to it?   What did you want to do with it 20 years ago?  Does that dream still appeal to you?

Honestly, Tupp.... it's time to open some unopened doors, IMO.  What's the next step for you and your son?

My Aunt's sister put her son in a wonderful residential facility last year.  They'd been waiting 6 years from the last time they'd been offered a spot on the list.... they'd been waiting for years before that, but the Mom wasn't ready the first time it became available.  Her son is in his 40's.

This is a government facility, and we're crossing our fingers Trump doesn't close them all down, btw.

My Aunt says her nephew is working in the furniture finishing shop, and there's a garden where flowers are grown and sold by other residents.... he has a yoga class he adores, and his favorite nurse told the Mom his schedule is busier than her own. 

When he goes home for visits he's happy, but always eager to go back to his new home..... this is a huge relief on one hand for the Mom, but sad bc she's not adjusting as quickly as he is.  BTW he's lost 25 pounds this first year in the facility, and he's getting stronger, and healthier.  There was the fear he'd not be able to walk a few years ago, but that hasn't come to pass as his eating habits have improved, and he's busy busy busy.  They go swimming, bowling.... I already mentioned the yoga.  He's engaged in his life, and very busy. 

What are your options in the UK? 

Lighter

[lighter]

Argh!  Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more.  With that in mind, we went out for a walk.  I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van).  But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield.  I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys.  What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first.  For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'.  I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on.  I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things.  It has to be right.  And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process)  I think there comes a time when some people have to shake off the list of HAVE TOs in orde3r to reset their systems.... like animals shaking off trauma.  Just shake off everything in order to SEE what's possible.  In order to SEE what's in front of them, and not what's been chasing them, vexing them, terrorizing them in the past.  I think you did that.

::nodding::

With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me.  While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun.  We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied.  The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by.  We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.
Going out into nature, and doing something new...... just being in nature... YES YES YES: )

I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird.  This morning I got up and started rifling through books.  We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it".  I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques.  I'm so happy for you, Tupp.  SO.  HAPPY.  What a day.

While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste.  I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things.  I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list.  And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time.  I can see what she means now.  If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first.  But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things.  The next day I reset and go bahe beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff.  Shake it off, Tupp...... You've slogged a long way through the wastelands to SEE with clarity.... eyes unclouded by hate..... and choose happiness.  I'm so over the moon tickled for you!

I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute.  So much sense.... it's not easy to turn away from crisis, that might still be just behind you, and turn to something else, IME.  You have reasons for living the way you've had to live.  You've had no choices for so long.  Now you're system is calming down, and you're gaining perspective.  You're aware, and able to make very conscious choices, FEEL them, gain momentum and what momentum you have!  YES.

I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now.  If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly.  But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week.  Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me.  I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all.  Nothing rights wrongs like living well, Tupp.  That's going to put things right again.  That you aren't destroyed or lost... that you overcome, and find happiness.

So - I'm knackered after all of that!  Lol.  We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today.  We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon.  I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check!  Not sure whether I feel elated or scared.  Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.

I'm feeling the rain on my face with you, Tupp!  Sail!  Ride!  Take pictures: )  Lighter

Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that.  I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

Thank you for both of those posts.  Options in the UK are almost non existent.  Funding has been cut considerably and will continue to be cut.  Public opinion is that generally disabled people are second class citizens who don't deserve the same rights and quality of life that non disabled people do (or to be more specific, that's the opinion of the ruling party who have just been voted back in for the third time).  I don't know if our election makes the news over there but they're now talking about a partnership with another party who are even more regressive than they are.  Politically it's a very worrying time for anyone who supports equality and just generally wants people to get along and be respectful of one another.  Thank you for asking the question as it's helping me think things through in my mind

When I got into teaching my plan was to teach all over the world, taking my son with me.  I was hoping to teach in well paid international schools some of the time (which my son would attend) and then, having got money saved up, teach voluntarily in other places or just travel without working.  Initially I experienced a lot of depression after my son was born which delayed all of that and then his problems started to show up.  It's interesting that looking back I can see that the biggest obstacle was put in place by my mum, which I hadn't really realised before.

Soooooo - putting aside practicality and sensibleness for the moment, what I'd love to do is spend the next twenty years traveling the world with my son (assuming that he wanted to).  In our little camper van for the most part, although not practical in every area but generally on the move, working when we needed to, spending as much or as little time as we wanted in different places, no plan, just seeing how we went, who we met and where we ended up.

The obstacle for me is that he can't, at fifteen, be left safely on his own for any length of time and he's not expected to develop the capacity to be able to do that, which in turn means he is expected to always need 'someone' to look after him.  Obviously never say never but I am not stepping in to the future assuming he'll be able to look after himself.  We live in a country with very little good quality care for disabled people so I don't feel I can just get on with my life knowing he'll be well looked after; he does well now because of the work I put in but there's a constant battle with the authorities and it's very draining.

Either way it means stepping into the unknown, and what I find difficult is that I'm fine about stepping into the unknown myself because I can deal with whatever life throws at me.  He doesn't have the capacity for the same skills so I think the thing that scares me is that I might be putting him at risk with whatever I try to do.  It's one thing for me to have a crap time because I misjudge something but I really struggle with the idea of him being harmed or having an awful time because I misjudge something.

The way I see things at the moment is that I can fight for care for him, knowing that the fight might need to be renewed every year as they change the funding levels, that the care might be substandard, that him being in one place then restricts me to being based in one place and so on.  Traveling appeals to me enormously, but I know he would struggle with some aspects, us being together constantly drives us both mad at times plus we'd need an incredibly expensive insurance package (due to his health problems) and money to live on as we moved around.

I'm aware that I have a really strong need to find something to put in place that I know will keep him safe and happy for the rest of his life and I know I can't actually do that and I think that's what really bothers me.  I'm thinking at the moment to just try to do more of the things we like, get out in the world more and hope that brings us into contact with the sort of people that would be good to have around.  I'm not really sure I can do much more at the minute.  What do you think? x

[Twoapenny]

Went for another nice walk this morning, took some more photos (this time of a Lego gorilla in natural settings, lol).  Was thinking on way around of ways to make money without being tied to one place or a job - blogging, selling photos, articles, short stories (or long ones!).  He struggles when things aren't the same, I thrive on it.  Home again now, lots to do today, was thinking how another boy his age (15) would have his own plans for the weekend or would just be out with his mates or sat doing his homework without the need for me to get involved too much.  Books for sailing arrived, very good waterproof one that explains how to tie knots (very handy I thought) and a good introduction to sailing that explains all the technical stuff and lots about the weather and how to read it by the cloud formations and so on.  Lots of pictures so very helpful for him (and me!).  Perhaps we'll go on our travels by boat

[Twoapenny]

I've just had an idea; I could try this out without making any big plans or commitments.  If I start a blog about days out and trips away I could see if I can make money from writing and selling photos, we could try things like voluntary work at communes in the UK and see how that works out, whether or not my son can cope with it and so on, and just keep building up or abandon it if it become apparent that it just doesn't suit him and it won't work out.  Why did I not think of this before? Lol.  We can practise without having to give up our home or risk being stuck somewhere with no money, probably make some good contacts as well and maybe even find some other families that fancy traveling with their older but still dependent offspring, I can't be the only one?  Feel nervous about going 'public' as it were, still scared of social services and my mum causing problems but I could start off just writing it up as a diary until I feel more confident and then start putting it online.  Maybe even a Facebook/online group for people with health problems and disabilities to share info about places they visit or go on holiday to and how they find it, particularly those who don't want to do package deals and like to strike out on their own.

Feeling a bit excited now

[lighter]

Tupp:
Learning to live life NOT under siege..... it's a process, IME. 

You're going through it I think.  It's like watching color seep back into your life, or finding focus where there was fuzz.... maybe.

It's access to creativity and possibility, and here you are..... exploring life like you haven't been able to do in years.

I so want you to find your path, set new goals, and see where this journey leads.  You've been through so much... there has to be purpose, and meaning.  You're poised to find it.... I know you are.

Remember to trust your instincts.  You've been programed to doubt and dismiss your intuition.  TRUST it.  Continue exploring with curiosity..... judgement sucks. 

I'll post more, but I so get the pressure coming off, and processing each layer.... trying to trust, and adjust to not having another crisis land on your head.  Shifting focus, and stabilizing..... even as our children's needs shift.

It's not easy, but you're a fighter.  Your energy is freeing up to serve you now...
not wasted to disprove negatives, and fight monsters.

((((Tupp))))

There's more, and now you're able to embrace it. 

::nodding::

Light

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter

Yes, instinct - I was thinking about that today.  Trusting and going with your feeling.  Where my son's been concerned, I've always been right, even when he was little and I had armies of people telling me I was wrong.  And I've been thinking as well about needing to get my head around the fact that I cannot guarantee anything for him.  However hard I work, however hard I try, however sensible I am, however much thought I put into what I do, life can do something completely different.  Which makes me realise I am going to have to let go of some of the control (argh!) and accept that I can't do it all. Lol, that's going to be easy

I am trying to build more fun and enjoyment into our day, every day, and I'm going to have to push myself into new situations.  Contacts are important, I realise that now, and I'm going to start having to mix with more creative, adventurous types, because that's where I'd like my life to be heading.  At the same time I feel very inferior around people like that.  I feel boring in comparison and that I don't have much to offer them.  That's all in my head so I need to work on that and start pushing myself a bit more and putting up with the crappy feelings whilst it happens.  I'm trying at the minute to challenge myself a little every day.  So, today we had a text from the Youth Club leader saying they've changed the plan for tonight and they're going out walking instead of staying in at the club.  We've already done our walking for today so walking again tonight is likely to tire him out and leave him worn out tomorrow.  My first thought was to say no but .......... in the spirit of not being a control freak, I asked my son, he said he wants to do it and he doesn't want his wheelchair so we are going and I will drop him off and leave him to it.  I will have a slight meltdown I think, lol, but I'll do it after he's gone so he doesn't know and if he's really tired tomorrow it's not the end of the world, we haven't got anything major planned.

So that's my challenge for today, to be less of a mother hen, let him make his own choices and let him get it wrong if he needs to.

I think the colour is seeping back in, slowly.  Thank you x

[Twoapenny]

I am doing alright with my boundaries and with taking a step back where my son is concerned

We've been very busy for the last two days so he has been very tired today but he's had a great time, the nicest thing was that the Youth Club leaders took pictures of all of the kids down at the park and put them on Facebook.  I am usually quite anti pics on Facebook but I realised that I don't have any recent photos of him with a group of friends so it was good to get these and be able to show them to other people.  Feels like another step out of the shell we've been hiding in (as my main concern with Facebook pics posted by other people is who might see them or share them).

I had a nice chat with a friend last night and she was asking if we were going to go and visit.  I've got a couple of friends who live quite near each other (she's one of the pair) and most years I do a 400 mile round trip to see them.  I love seeing them and they live in a nice part of the country but ................. we don't have the money for multiple trips away so if we go to visit them we don't usually get to do anything else.  By way of a contrast, they both get away at least three or four times a year but never come here to visit.  So I have said that I'm not planning to visit this year but that they are welcome here (which is true).  I want to explore the possibility of working at festivals and just networking with more people who I feel are on a similar wave length to me.  With that in mind there is one festival we are definitely going to and two others I'm hoping to go to if we have enough money.  I've put myself and what I want first, not because I don't want to see my friends, far from it, but I can't do everything and at this stage I feel that moving forward is important.

[lighter]

Tupp:.

You gave your son choices, and he was no doubt tired, but.....
 he used his voice!

Good job.  I hope things turned out well, or at least OK.  Let us know.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:.

You gave your son choices, and he was no doubt tired, but.....
 he used his voice!

Good job.  I hope things turned out well, or at least OK.  Let us know.

Lighter

He's been fine, Lighter, tired but manageable, it was interesting to see that physical activity definitely does tire him out; he really struggled to do his physio and you could see that it was a physical struggle for him, not just a feeling of being tired (as in, he couldn't keep his arms straight or lift his leg).  My T used to say my need for perfection in him (as in, he must never be tired, unhappy, miserable, made to do anything he doesn't want to and son on) was another extension of my need to be safe after the abuse allegations and again, I am starting to finally understand what she meant.  I'm just sooooooo aware - as I think we all are on here - of the damage that my own requirement to manage all my hurt and ignored feelings has caused that I've desperately tried to avoid him having to do it at all.  But of course there will be times that things aren't great and that's just life.  I think part of it as well was that his problems weren't picked up for a long time so he was being made to do things he wasn't actually capable of doing at that stage, so I spent a long time trying to undo that damage and make him feel safe again, and he does feel safe, you can see it in the way he behaves and the way he is around people.  He just doesn't have the nervousness or fear of other people's responses that I always had.

In other news, I am getting the hang of observing rather than reacting quite so much.  Went to help a friend out this morning - all sorts of odd dynamics in their relationship - noticed it, didn't feel the need to get involved or avoid them in the future, funnily enough, usually when I see dysfunction I want to hide from it but that seems to have lessened off.  Also saw the friend that I mentioned a while ago who had seemed a bit funny last time we met up - she was absolutely lovely again today so I am thinking maybe just a bad day, period pain, argument with the boyfriend or something.  Had a really nice chat, good laugh, looking forward to seeing her again now   Tired but happy

How is everything going at your end now? x

[Twoapenny]

Just another little thought and realisation from me today.

We've been to a Sports Competition today - busy, crowded, badly organised and just no fun.  I realised we were doing things that were expected of us rather than what we both enjoy.  My son loves the sport but not the crowds or the noise.  He enjoys the training sessions - quieter, more orderly and he spends all of his time playing, whereas today was spent mostly waiting to play.  We've both come away shattered and too tired to do anything when we got home, other than have dinner (which fortunately I'd got ready before we went out because I'd have been too tired to cook when we got back).

I was sitting thinking about my lack of energy, my anti social tendencies, my wondering how we can cope better next time and I realised the thing to do (or the way to cope) is not to do it.  I haven't done yoga once this week, or meditated.  I haven't spent any time writing (or at least not things I want to write).  I have caught up with a couple of friends but missed seeing a friend today because I was too tired after the sports thing.  My lack of energy comes from spending virtually all of my time doing things I don't really want to do.  And there's no reason why I should want to do these things!  I think tomorrow I'm going to keep saying to myself "what do I really want to do right now" and see where that takes me

[Twoapenny]

There are aspects of social media that I like.  I do like seeing people's pics of their kids doing whatever they are doing and I like reading the nice little things, good school reports, passing exams, getting promotions at work and so on.  I like hearing about bands I like and seeing what they're up to.  I've joined a few pages about people setting up communes, trying to live off grid, the sort of stuff I really aspire to and I love to see what other people are doing (although sometimes I feel jealous as well).  There are some people who write well about politics and I enjoy reading what they have to say about current events as I like trying to learn more and understand the world situation better (if that's possible).

But I hate, hate, hate racism and I hate the way it has become socially acceptable again in this country.  People can and do write all sorts of stuff that ten years ago they wouldn't have said publicly.  It brings me into contact with thoughts that I don't want in my head and of course, you don't know what you're reading until you've read it and by then it's too late.

There have been a couple of terrorist attacks recently, by people claiming to represent ISIS.  Horrific events, awful, inexcusable and devastating for all involved.  Huge outpouring of hatred towards Muslims, millions of whom live perfectly peacefully all around the world, calls to have Muslims in this country deported (despite the fact they were born here so I'm not sure where they'd send them) and just general knee jerk reactions.

I get the strong response to horrific acts but by the same token, there's just been an awful tower block fire in London that seems to have killed more than a hundred people and seems to have come about because the local council clad the tower block in a material that has apparently been banned in other countries because it's a fire risk, and it was used to cover the tower block to make it more aesthetically pleasing to the millionaires in the surrounding buildings (the people living in the tower block are on low incomes and the properties are owned by the council).

There's been a huge shift in power from the majority in this country to a small percentage of wealthy people and companies and it's been made very clear that rich people matter and no-one else does.  Yet despite the number of deaths, there hasn't been anything like the social media outcry about this that there way about the terror attacks, despite the fact that far more people have died and another hundred or so have been left homeless and destitute.

Over night a white man has driven a vehicle into a crowd of muslims who were leaving their mosque after prayers.  They'd stopped to help an elderly gentleman who'd collapsed and were administering CPR whilst waiting for an ambulance to arrive.  The man drove at them deliberately, shouting "I want to kill all Muslims".  Apparently he's killed one person and injured others.  People are on Facebook defending him.

I feel a bit like I'm going mad.  The UK used to be a country I felt proud and very fortunate to live in, but now it just disgusts me and I don't want to be here.  I don't understand how people think some lives are more valuable than others, or some murderers are acceptable whilst others aren't.  The reason I have stopped using Facebook in the past is because I read too much that annoys me, but equally then I miss out on things because a lot of people only post news on Facebook now, they don't pass on the info in any other way.  It's showing me a side to people that I really don't want to see.  I feel like I want to wear a T shirt that says 'I'm not racist!' on it because it seems now that being white and british means you're expected to be.  People look down on me for believing in equality.

Just having a rant, really.  This is the sort of time when I really miss my old life, when I'd have been surrounded by people who feel the way that I do, instead of being the cuckoo in the nest.  I will stay off Facebook for a few days, but it kind of winds me up that I have to avoid things because my views aren't right wing?  Just needed to let off steam.  Thank you