How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Twoapenny]

Less of a rant, someone else chimed in with a non racist response which made me feel better, I sometimes feel like I'm the only one (and I hadn't responded because I just can't bear those endless rows about whose opinion is the right one).

[Hopalong]

I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.

The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.

NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!

For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.

I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.

As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.

The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.

NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!

For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.

I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.

As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.

love
Hops

Yes this board is a massive exception, thank goodness, and I see that you are right about things Hops, gosh, I just find it so frustrating, there is so much horror and pain in the world just through natural disasters and things like famine and disease, I don't understand the need to add to that by people being so hate filled and wanting to cause pain and upset.  It also feels to me - and I don't know if you're experiencing a similar thing in the States - that the centre ground is becoming increasingly right wing and that is becoming the new normal.  My views, broadly speaking, haven't changed in the last twenty five years or so, whether in relation to equality, human rights, environment and so on.  But I find increasingly I'm being labelled 'extreme' and find that other (well known) people who share my views are often written up as 'far left activists', whereas twenty or so years ago pretty much everyone I knew thought more or less the same as I did.  I'm not sure what exactly has happened but it's certainly making the world an increasingly unpleasant place for me.  So yes, I can see that social media may need to go again.  Lol, I feel like I'm in a playground shouting at people to play nice xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I identified with your post about protecting your son..... the going overboard, and not quite knowing when it's too much, or just heading off center with it, and not realizing we're off course.  Making it a quest we couldn't see or question bc that's what we were living.  Not realizing we'd prioritized safety without the ability to question.... face pressed up against the glass, and unable to SEE it, IME.

Remembering my face was pressed against the glass helps me forgive myself, and it explains WHY it happened.  You certainly deserve grace, and understanding from yourself.  You've been there... done that.  You've gained some much needed perspective, just like I have.  It takes some distance, and the will to do better.  God help us if we desire perfection.... it just slows us down, IME. 

Keep giving your son space and chances to grow.  You're doing great, (((Tupp.)))

Love,
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.

The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.

NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!

For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.

I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.

As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.

love
Hops

Yes this board is a massive exception, thank goodness, and I see that you are right about things Hops, gosh, I just find it so frustrating, there is so much horror and pain in the world just through natural disasters and things like famine and disease, I don't understand the need to add to that by people being so hate filled and wanting to cause pain and upset.  It also feels to me - and I don't know if you're experiencing a similar thing in the States - that the centre ground is becoming increasingly right wing and that is becoming the new normal.  My views, broadly speaking, haven't changed in the last twenty five years or so, whether in relation to equality, human rights, environment and so on.  But I find increasingly I'm being labelled 'extreme' and find that other (well known) people who share my views are often written up as 'far left activists', whereas twenty or so years ago pretty much everyone I knew thought more or less the same as I did.  I'm not sure what exactly has happened but it's certainly making the world an increasingly unpleasant place for me.  So yes, I can see that social media may need to go again.  Lol, I feel like I'm in a playground shouting at people to play nice xx

Do you know, I just realised this morning that the offensive stuff I read is usually from people I know!  One of the reasons Ive used social media is to try to connect more with people who hold similar views to me. The area I live in is very right wing (and very white, middle class, conservative) and most of the people I know are like that so I wanted to try and meet different people, given my circumstances make it difficult to get out and about, and particularly difficult to get far away!  With that in mind I have joined a couple of 'hippy' forums over the years, assuming their views would be mostly left wing and fairly open minded but no, that wasn't the case there either.  Another sign that I need to move on, move forward, I think.  Lots of signs, not quite clear how to go about it, lol.

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

I identified with your post about protecting your son..... the going overboard, and not quite knowing when it's too much, or just heading off center with it, and not realizing we're off course.  Making it a quest we couldn't see or question bc that's what we were living.  Not realizing we'd prioritized safety without the ability to question.... face pressed up against the glass, and unable to SEE it, IME.

Remembering my face was pressed against the glass helps me forgive myself, and it explains WHY it happened.  You certainly deserve grace, and understanding from yourself.  You've been there... done that.  You've gained some much needed perspective, just like I have.  It takes some distance, and the will to do better.  God help us if we desire perfection.... it just slows us down, IME. 

Keep giving your son space and chances to grow.  You're doing great, (((Tupp.)))

Love,
Lighter

Thank you, Lighter   I've spent his whole life protecting him, from his dad, from my family, from harmful attitudes towards disability, from other people's limiting views and real threats from social workers and doctors who wouldn't help him so I can see that it becomes a default position that's then hard to get out of.  We're getting there.  He went to Youth Club last night and they did robot building.  They designed them first and had to give them a name and a special feature.  My son called his 'Disfigured Norman Kranng Droid' and his special feature was 'Perfecting Mutagen' lol.  He also has a hidden arm that whacks people if they get to close to him.  Perhaps he is echoing my need to keep harmful people away from him   He's got drama club today, sailing on Thursday and Boccia on Sunday, so we're back up to four social events a week which is really good.  I'm trying to get out walking every day, not far but he is building up his strength and stamina now.  Getting there slowly.  The paperwork mountain is starting to decrease, I am getting a bit of time to work on the van.  Baby steps.

[Twoapenny]

Summer Solstice today and I've spent the day pondering and thinking 'what next' and do you know what, I'm ready to leave my old life behind.  The fear, the failures, the endless running round after people, bending myself in all directions to make everyone happy, always putting myself last.  I want a life that I have chosen, not an endless procession of reactions to other people's mistakes or their failures to deal with their own problems.  I don't want to keep worrying about what people think, I want people around me who accept me, warts and all, or go away people.  I want to really get away from my past.  I think that will mean moving again, further this time and cutting off ties when I do it.  Still finding memories and people who elicit certain responses or feelings in me.  Want to feel like I am living, rather than having to cope with living.  Ready to leave it all behind now.  It's very hot here at the moment!

[Hopalong]

This might be off base, but what popped up for me when reading your latest post, Tupp, is "beware the Geographical Cure..."

((((((((Tupp)))))))

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

This might be off base, but what popped up for me when reading your latest post, Tupp, is "beware the Geographical Cure..."

((((((((Tupp)))))))

hugs
Hops

It's part of my plan for creating a life that I want, Hopsie, rather than having to make do with circumstances created by other people   The last ten or eleven years I've lived in places because of things my mum did, which pushed my life down a certain road.  None of those places were places I'd have chosen myself, including where I live now.  There are other places that I would much prefer, so it's part of my push to take back control of my own life and not to have to keep working at being happy with something I didn't want (which isn't working anyway as I feel thoroughly miserable most of the time) x

[Twoapenny]

Sorry, more rambling, it just helps to get it written down rather than having it running through my head.

I've been avoiding people more and more and the reason for that is that I just can't listen to the moaning.  There are two friends who've been trying to meet up for weeks but I've not got the energy to sit through another moaning session so I've been avoiding.  Another friend is well overdue a phone call but I've not got the energy to listen to an hour of moaning.  I've just received a text from another friend that has a long list of all her trials and tribulations in it, plus the family health problems, and I can't even muster up a 'sorry you're not well' text.

It did occur to me that I have some sort of health problem or crisis on almost a daily basis, but I tend to offload in writing rather than verbally.  The only times I've ever sat and moaned for an hour is in a counselling session.

[Twoapenny]

And more rambling!  I decided yesterday to abandon three complaints that I have on the go at the minute.  All very lengthy and involved, all regarding failings to do with my son's care, all very stressful, time consuming, expensive and, I know from previous experience all a waste of time because all that happens is they tell you eventually that you were right all along and everyone else carries on regardless.

I've always felt it important to complain because of the issue of voicelessness - who speaks for my son as he can't speak for himself?  Who stands up for those who don't have anyone to fight their corner for them?  And so on.  But doing them is stopping me from getting on with things I want to do - working on my van, working on my book, doing up my flat, working in my garden.  I don't know whether I have fear that if I don't complain things can come back to bite me (ie, I need someone else to say, yes, she's right in order to protect me) or if my greater fear is of getting on with things I want to do and enjoying myself a bit.  I'm not sure which of the two it is, or if it even matters.  Either way, I have abandoned them and as a result I have a weekend ahead of me that doesn't contain anything unpleasant to be getting on with, which makes a nice change.

[Hopalong]

BRAVO.

(I can't know for sure, but my guess is you've pinpointed a fear of enjoying yourself.)

So happy for this,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

BRAVO.

(I can't know for sure, but my guess is you've pinpointed a fear of enjoying yourself.)

So happy for this,
Hops

Yes, Hops, that's exactly it, I've been so scared of being accused of things I haven't done again that I've just gone into ultra conservative, no fun, never relax mode for the last decade.  It's so weird how suddenly something becomes so clear and it seems so obvious but it hasn't for such a long time.

I worked out today that fifteen years of no weekends and no holiday means, by current employment standards, I'm owed somewhere in the region of 1,900 days off   I'm not lifting a finger now until 2022 xx