All Happening

[Twoapenny]

Just in the space of today a friend has called to tell me she has breast cancer, hopefully not too far gone yet, they will know more next week, I've had a message from a very desperate mum whose youngest son is very ill (possibly dying) and she has another boy who obviously is struggling to cope (as she is) and my son's father has got in touch, out of the blue, after contacting my mother (ye gods, I don't even want to imagine that conversation). Another friend has texted; her husband has what they used to call emphysema and is getting worse and my younger sister's father in law has just been told he has cancer as well.  What a bizarre clutch of bad news in a very short space of time.  I'm feeling a little blind sided by it all; I want to help and be supportive where possible but I'm aware of my tendancy to over reach myself and turn into little Miss Fixit.  I don't want my son's father around and will be telling him so but I am concerned about the amount he knows about us (he turned up at our old house; I had no idea he even knew which county we lived in, let alone the address) but I'm worried about his reaction (and what my mum might do as apparently she's been writing cryptic messages all over Facebook that appear to be linked to him getting in touch as he went to her house when he found ours was empty).  As much as I love this flat and the new area I am starting to wish that I'd stuck with my original plan of moving far away and not telling anybody.  What a funny day xx

[sKePTiKal]

Shortly after my hubby died, my massage therapist was in a car accident and her son was killed; another boy in the car was seriously injured.

Then, hubs' aunt was diagnosed with cancer; and his uncle was in treatment for severe COPD.

I had to distance myself, sadly. I couldn't possibly support other people while my own grief was so fresh. It was just too overwhelmingly sad. So I withdrew and cocooned and maintained extreme boundaries with people for many months afterward... so I could have the space to process my own situation without adding more on top.

It may not be the right thing for everyone; all the time. But I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the time to process all of that - before choosing to ride to anyone's rescue or getting entangled with an ex AND your mom.

[Hopalong]

Yegods, (((((Tupp)))))))).

You CAN'T be Miss Fixit even with all the tragedies that hit folks you care about.
You just can't.
You're already near-overwhelmed by taking care of your own life and your boy, and just barely getting traction under your shoes in a new space and new rhythm, with plenty of son's health issues that take all you've got.

It's taken you weeks to carve out a moment of peace in the garden.

No no NO. Just no. You cannot fling yourself into any of those sad situations.
You CAN send the friends loving messages and that really is plenty.

I'm sorry the ex got in touch but it does sound as though you know how to hold that boundary.

Ugh. They (including your mother) are who they are. But so are you, strong one.

Don't dissolve. Nobody has the right to wave toxins at you for you to dissolve in.
YOU have the right to give out only what you can afford to, and to nobody that burdens you.

You have enough.
You are enough.

Hold fast and in peace for yourself.
Say no, calmly.

love
Hops

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))

Hops and Amber all the advice I had, and more.  It's OK to send a card, and hold what'ya got.   That's your job.....Take care of you and your boy.  Your arms are full.

It's difficult not to extend yourself when you see suffering, but.....
you must be strong for yourself first.  Spread too thin is just too thin, Tupp.... don't take off and try to put your oxygen mask on many people (who will struggle no matter what you do, ime.)

It's OK to take care of yourself.  It's imperative you do.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

First class advice from all of you, as always, I think yesterday just seemed very overwhelming with so many things coming up at once.  I think I even felt a bit guilty - for the first time in years I'm creating a good life instead of running from a bad one and I've been looking after myself so I feel a lot more relaxed and comfortable than I usually do.  And all of a sudden all these other people were hit with terrible, life changing news - and for once it wasn't me.  I almost felt a bit bad about the fact I'm not having a terrible time at the minute.

Did wake up this morning feeling much clearer and calmer about the whole situation and yes, supportive messages and nice cards I can do but I won't be leaping in to save everybody and I did realise when I woke up that that's okay, I don't need to (and in fact all of the people going through health problems at the moment have got other family/friends etc, I think I always panic because I don't have the partner/family to fall back on and I forget that other people do).  Feeling a bit more logical about it all now.  Skep, I'm so sorry you had those other tragedies happen so soon after losing Mike as well.  When really big things come in clusters like that it's so difficult to get your head round and I'm so glad you were able to step back and not get involved (copy Skep, Tup - step away ).

As for the ex - I was very suspicious as in fifteen years he's never once got in touch or sent so much as a birthday or Christmas card to his son.  I tried several times when my son was younger to get his dad to spend time with him but he refused and was vile about it so I have left well alone.  He pays a very small amount of child support which he only started paying when he was forced to via a collection agency.  So I was suspicious that he's suddenly gone to a lot of effort to get in touch and is very keen for us to come to our own arrangement with regards to child support and for everything to be friendly and amicable.  I did a bit of digging and it turns out that our current arrangement is due to be reassessed and, as his financial situation has changed, he will have to pay more.  That was why he wanted us to come to our own arrangement without involving anyone else so he can carry on paying very little.  I have refused and asked the collection agency to go ahead with the reassessment.  I did ask my son if he thinks about his dad at all or if he'd like to know more about and he's very emphatic that he's not interested and doesn't want to know or meet up with him.  I think perhaps with being autistic he just doesn't have the sort of wonderment about things that other kids would have, that sort of curiosity of what a person might be like.  Anyway - I am keeping things polite and if my son did want to see him one day I would try to arrange that for him but to be honest I'm pretty disgusted that he's only got in touch now to try and protect his own income.  I will keep that to myself, though.

I'm back on the healthy eating, I've had a nice veggie filled lunch and am now planning a little nap before going out to run a few errands and buy some party decorations - my boy's fifteen on Sunday   Thank you for giving me the prod in the right direction again, as always, I think it all just came a bit too fast yesterday and I lost my way a little bit.  Thank you x