Loss of Sibling Relationships in Narcissistic Families

[sunblue]

Hi All:

I continue to struggle with the loss of sibling relationships.  I can't help but wonder why sibling relationships matter so little, in general, and specifically in narcissistic families.  If anyone should understand the pain that you endured being raised by narcissistic parents, it should be your own siblings.  I would think that instead of distancing oneself from those relationships, they would grow stronger based on a shared experience and sense of unity.  Instead, so many siblings seem to abandon their brothers or sisters in adulthood.  So the loss is so much greater when you have to accept the loss of the narcissistic parent and also siblings.  I honestly cannot understand or accept why my sibling abandoned me when I did nothing to warrant it.....to be treated as collateral damage in the narcissistic family.  In general, in life, it seems that society doesn't value sibling relationships...or only in childhood.  Once a sibling grows into adulthood and marries or gains a life partner, they seem to find no value in sustaining and growing their relationships with siblings...except in very superficial ways.

It is heartbreaking to me.  Is this a pattern especially in narcissistic families?  I know each child plays a role (Golden Child, Scapegoat, Ignored child).....but why take out the parent's sins on each other?  I will never understand it....and it causes so much pain and loss.

[Twoapenny]

I don't think it's a deliberate thing, Sunblue.  In my opinion (which is only based on my own experiences) growing up in a dysfunctional family affects every member and often makes relationships of any kind take on a certain form, as people struggle to cope with their own experiences.

I'm one of six, from various relationships, marriages and so on.  Most of us don't even speak to each other and the one sibling I do talk to isn't someone I would consider myself to be emotionally close to.  We were all abused in different ways, and often at different stages in our lives, and we've all had to find our own way of coping.  For me in particular, that has meant I've got to a point where I can't cope with the other person's coping mechanism, if that make sense.  In some situations I've pulled away, in others they have (because I think they are in the same situation).

It's a bit of a cliche but as adults no-one else is responsible for us.  I found that very hard to accept over the years.  I desperately wanted 'someone' to give me that unconditional love I didn't get as a child.  Ironically, for me, wanting that from other family members only made it harder, as none of them are capable of healthy, loving relationships.  They're just too damaged.  I sort of set myself up to be hurt and let down again and again.

It's very difficult.  I have found that it gets a bit easier as time passes, and that it's often at it's strongest just before you get to a point where you're able to let a little bit of it go, however hard that feels at the time.

[sunblue]

Hi Two:

Thanks for the response.  I understand we all cope with trauma in our own way and it does seem the pattern is that in narcissistic families, siblings turn to others outside the family rather than try to work through and strengthen relationships within the family.  When you lose your siblings on top of parents, though, you lose a big piece of yourself.  You have no one to share common experiences or memories with, no one to share one's cultural traditions with. 

It just seems like all of the value is placed on either parents or life partners.....but that siblings don't matter.  In these cases, it just seems like it's so easy for your siblings to turn their backs on you....to forget all those years you shared growing up in a house, all those experiences that led to the adult you are now, to the man or woman you became and which allowed you to attract and build a new life or family.  Why is it so easy for them to abandon you?  After all, it may be you will find multiple romantic partners with in life, but you only have 2 parents and can only call a certain number of individuals in your life siblings.  I have never understood why sibling relationships matter so little.

Abandonment by a sibling is just one more way of being ignored, dismissed and devalued.  In my case, to watch my sibling invest his time, heart and commitment in another family (his wife's) while abandoning his own biological family is beyond understanding.  Clearly, he is capable of investing in a family....but has chosen to ignore his own.  That seems to be a common trend in our society.  Once you gain a life partner, you focus on that relationship or family to the complete exclusion of your biological one. 

In the end, it results in a further loss of self, loss of identity.  And the sad thing is that loss can never be recovered.  It's like for at least 18 years you spend every day of your life with these people and then, suddenly, it was like those years never happened, that you didn't exist. 

Maybe I'm naive about this.  Maybe I'm an idealist.  But I just think siblings should matter.  They should not be discarded like garbage simply because the parents in the household failed and caused pain.  As I look around the world, I see that sibling relationships seem to take mostly two forms---1) relationships which are closely bonded where siblings continue to be a part of each other's lives and 2) situations in which one sibling abandons the other(s), refusing to maintain or build a relationship with them or doing so only in very superficial ways (an occasional birthday or Christmas card or invitation to a child's life event).  All or none essentially.

In my case, I never had a relationship with my sister since as the Golden Child she has just been too ill-adjusted and always made it clear she had no desire to have a sister.  But my brother is another case.  As the very mild scapegoat, he chose to abandon me and turn only to his wife, daughter and wife's family.  This was a deliberate decision and one I was wholly undeserving of.  So the family loss is now complete.  I am coming to understand that I have been abandoned by everyone, leaving me with no one in the world.  Even if I was not able to have others in my life, I still can't excuse the heartless treatment by a brother whom I have always loved and cherished and given my heart to....as well as to the family he built. 

But I suppose you can't force someone to want a relationship with you when they clearly don't want one.  It's interesting, isn't it, how it seems the very people who cause the most hurt seem to reap the most benefits in life?  That is definitely my bro's case.  He is so callous and cold in his firm decision to abandon my family.  I know if he had the chance to do it all again, he would never change a thing....he would abandon us all over again, just perhaps, even sooner. 

Anyway, just venting today.  I realized that if I were to get run over by a bus today, there wouldn't be a single person who would mourn my passing.  No one from my family certainly.  And yet, when I look back, there hasn't been a single time when I wasn't there for each of them.  Indeed, in this whole sick, narcissistic situation, I continue to be the only one feeling hurt.

Thanks for listening.  It is a situation I know many here share.  Part of the sadness of this illness.  Just strange to me that when we talk about relationship losses, we rarely mention siblings.

Sunblue

[Twoapenny]

Yes I hear what you're saying, Sunblue, and it is very painful to cope with.  Perhaps your brother has similar issues to your mum, perhaps his wife does and doesn't want to share him with you?  Perhaps he finds it easier to build a life that doesn't include memories of the past or maybe is in that mode where he thinks you have a great relationship and doesn't know how hurt you feel?  It is very tough when people you love don't love you back but I do think it isn't a personal thing, even though it feels that way.  I think they can just as easily abandon other people (maybe including his wife and her family further down the line).

I have had the same experiences of running round in circles after people and them doing nothing for me in times of need, and being able to lose me from their lives without being bothered by it.  It's incredibly tough and I wish I was able to say to you do x, y and z and you'll feel fine but I never found a magic formula to make it all go away (I wish I had!).  It has just got easier over time - a cliche, but time is a healer   I've got quite a lot of friends who stay in quite unhealthy relationships with their siblings, carrying on the roles they played as children.  Perhaps that's the issue, maybe it only works if you all heal and grow in the same way?  I remember a therapist telling me once (when I was very upset about my family turning their backs on me) that once you stop playing your role you no longer fit into the family and there isn't space for you.  The dysfunction means you can only be in if you play your part and if you stop that you can no longer join in.  It simply doesn't work.

It is very lonely to be without family, particularly when even just a small effort would be enough!  I do feel for you and I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice that will speed up the process for you.  I think it's a form of grieving, you know when someone dies and you want them back but you just can't have them?  I think maybe it's a bit like that, a horrible thing to go through and one you can't really rush past or manage without a lot of heartache.

I hope things start to ease up a little for you, Sunblue, so that it's a bit less painful and difficult to cope with.  I do feel for you, and I do think it will feel better in time - just very tough to cope with in the interim.

Love Tup x

[JustKathy]

Hi Sunblue,

I also continue to struggle with the loss of my siblings. I think the worst part is accepting that, even though I was born into a family, I actually have no family. As you said, it’s a loss of self and identity. When I was a child, I somehow thought that I’d be able to get past the damage left by N-mum because I would always have my sister and brother, but I was wrong. They might as well be dead because they’re both gone from my life, probably forever. Their choice. They simply discarded me like a worthless old shoe.

My situation is similar to yours. I was never close to my brother because he was the golden child, and acted incredibly entitled. He would gladly take a gift from you, but would never reciprocate. Anyone who wasn’t in a position to advance his life or career was tossed aside like garbage.

My sister was also a mild scapegoat, totally controlled by NM. Her behaviour towards me was perfectly normal at family gatherings, where she had permission to speak to me. Outside of that, nothing. After my NM died in 2013, I thought my sister would now be free to have a relationship with me, but things actually got worse. She completely estranged herself from me the day NM died, probably obeying some kind of death-bed order.

Both of my siblings have had their minds poisoned by N-mother, and neither one of them is coming back. It hurts like hell.

Even though I’ve learned to accept that I’m an “only child,” I still think about them all the time. I wonder what will happen when we get old. My sister is 57 and has never had a boyfriend. She’s lived like a recluse, alone in the house she purchased two doors down from my parents, where she resides with her massive doll collection, while tending to co-father. I wonder if one day, after co-father passes away, she’ll realize that she misses her sister. If she does, I’ll never know. I'm sure she’ll spend the rest of her life obeying a dead woman.

I, too, wonder how it could have been so easy for both of them to throw their sibling out with the garbage, something that I never could have done to them. Or maybe I shouldn’t hurt my brain trying to figure it out, because NM’s are just that powerful. She ruled their worlds, in life, and now in death.