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Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

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sKePTiKal:
Well, I'm still looking at all this.

On the one hand, I'm clearly not dead yet - in that I can still feel all those feelings - and for someone besides Mike. Quite the revelation, actually. That's good news.

But this other guy already has his hands full. I'm pretty sure I didn't "project" his request to spend the night... or his other comments that gave me pause. (Even while the fantasy-machine was cranking up...) So, I'm not misunderstanding anything here. And maybe he's just "playing" and doesn't mean any of it. (Which is possible since he begged off.) I just have to more ready the NEXT time, and shut it down faster. (I guess I need the practice, too.)

My over-protective "useful Big Brother" keeps warning me about the special things to watch out for, being a pretty well-off, widowed hermit. Especially in the rural areas where people don't have a lot to talk about except each other. And one is being taken advantage (emotionally) by someone for their own agenda. David's 10 years older than I am (more or less) and went through some of the same things when he moved out to the boonies in South Dakota. I quite like him - but he's taken too - and he will NOT come back east at this point in his life. So, we've navigated that really well to where we're both comfortable.

What Ronnie is up to, I'm not entirely sure... but I'm not imagining things (except my own little fantasies). So, I'm choosing to be flattered... but "not interested" in that kind of relationship and I have a lot of experience scaring guys off. So, while I do like the offers of help - he doesn't follow through that well or I see other things about him, that give me pause. I have reminded him more than once, that I'm also "country smart"  - wise to some of the hustles people use.

When I told him the other day about hurting my back moving the trailer by myself - out of my own foolishness - he asked why I didn't call him. I told him it was because I was stubborn and hard-headed and the fire was shooting out of my eyes... as I was fighting the pain trying to do something else that had to get done. LOL. I can still make guys back up. I guess I pulled muscles on Sat... but it wasn't until Tuesday - when I had to leave during "school bus" hours in the morning and deal with my wretched intersection with the highway that the problems really set in.

I was driving down to the little cabin to inspect things and bring back some stuff I didn't want to leave there - including Mike's ashes. Planned to meet someone who'll take down some trees and work on my driveway, too. And I think I went out without being dressed warm enough... then drove the 2 hrs home - again having to "turn my rig around" up the hill - across the highway during the pm school bus time frame... to be able to pull into my road. And then of course, having to unload everything... put the trailer back in it's spot... and THEN the old muscles started to really hurt.

I just have to be able to do stuff like this MYSELF. I can't be calling for - and waiting on help - all the time. But I think I probably have a lot to learn about what I can/can't physically do still.

Kitchen remodel is this week. Guy will be here to unhook the current range pretty soon. Demo tomorrow. Install early Wed morning; then plumbers & gas inspection Thursday. No word on the buildings yet, but I did hear the SOONEST it could possibly happen is Wed. I'm not holding my breath.

Hopalong:
Awww, Amber. I'm so sorry you're hurting.
If anything amplifies loneliness, pain does.
((((((( )))))))

Sometimes when I've been in an awkward, uneasy situation like yours with Ronnie, I find the solution is not to wait. Not to wait for his signals, not to worry about decoding him. But to take ownership of myself, and step up, by saying directly: "I have a rule about this, and I am not going to cross it. So thanks for the help and here's your check, but I don't want this to be so personal."

And small town or no...there are other Ronnies. If this relationship is tainted now, it's okay to move on. It sounds as though in your hunger, you reveal and risk quite a lot with him even in dialogue. Giving him that memorable a look into your core is something a lonely person does. (Happy to share my Tshirt collection....). It's a power to display and if one's a bit reckless, to hand over.

I think you need to be your own guardian, and guard yourself not out of a sense that you're bad or dangerous, but out of respect for the vulnerability of where and how you live, and that you're a newcomer there and don't need to be the scandal of the valley, and that you haven't yet spent enough time in the town to actually bond with other rings of this complex circle of community.

I hope you find other new friends there. It'll take effort. But plugging into community life in some way, and regularly, will help ground you in a positive relationship with the ecosystem you've entered. You're not an invasive plant.

You're a wonderful interesting woman who deserves to be enriched by other people, plural. Be wary of fixation on male energy. You have plenty of your own.

love to you,
Hops

Twoapenny:
A lot of the time when I read through a thread and want to reply I realise all I need to write is, "Yeah, what Hops said".  Lol

I hope your back muscles feel better soon.  I get a lot of problems with my back so I understand that feeling very well.  And I hope the kitchen plans go well, it sounds like another big step forward

sKePTiKal:
Yes Lighter, our Hopsy has a way with words, doesn't she? LOL...

Thanks for the support Amazons. I guess I'm slowly realizing that this is also a "two steps forward, one step back" process. And while parts of "me" are more than ready to take on something like this... there are other parts that really AREN'T.

I'm fixated, of course, on my relationship with Mike... and thinking I need exactly THAT again. But that's not going to happen - and I knew that a long time ago. Plus, I am completely different than I was when that relationship blossomed (rather quickly) into a marriage. We were both coming from the same kind of life... incomes... etc. And then we adjusted together, to my new financial situation. It was very lucky that my biggest complaint about him was his "collecting stuff" habit. I haven't been so lucky previously.

And that scares the crap out of me. A "smooth operator" can definitely take advantage of that "need" and then flip into a controlling, greedy, possessive -- and financially, serious risk -- to me, my business and the kids. I CAN'T trust my perception and instinct, because I've gotten myself into "fixes" before... not seeing all the signs of problems... which of course, I've learned about in the course of being on the board here. (How many years is that? Would I be considered "slow" in developing confidence in myself?? LOL)

So, I don't want that kind of relationship. And except for my smooshy, marshmallow-y, needy side which just wants to swoon and trust that a new hero will swoop in to catch me... I need to start writing an outline for myself... and ask myself some questions about what would/wouldn't be OK with me in a relationship. I need to KNOW this for myself before I can risk being open with someone at that level. Just because: once burned twice shy.

---------------- New topic and tale... and some thinking out loud --------------

All spring & summer, Ronnie was scarce around here. He pointedly avoids direct interaction with me if my friends or the kids are here - even when I've invited him to join us. He definitely only wants a one on one interaction. And there is a clear attempt to ingratiate himself into my "good graces". Yesterday's was a phone call with a piece of information that we both have an interest in - the guy who owns the land behind me and that Ronnie hunts, is thinking about selling it. Out of the clear blue sky. And of course, Ronnie is offering to be of any help he can be... to help me buy it.

Obviously, I don't want a subdivision to go in there - and at the moment the only vehicle access is MY DRIVEWAY. In some cases, when something like that happens, I've seen instances where the developers feel entitled to tell me what I can/can't do on my property. So, I told him I'd do some research - and take some time to think about it. I'm real estate poor as it is, until the beach house sells. But yes, I could buy this large parcel of land outright and yes, it would enable me to do a few more things IF I had some additional physical help. (See where that could work out good for Ronnie? I can also see him asking me to sell him a chunk too.)

What he doesn't understand, is that Mike was the black belt at this kind of thing -- but he didn't engage in it with ME. At all, ever. He taught me how to think like that... to protect myself. What I'm good at, is appearing to be the naive, and unsuspecting female... to find out what I need to know. Getting enough information that I can read what the "pattern" in front of me - even if it's confusing - is telling me.

So, it's about 24 hrs later. I DO have a really strong self-interest in initiating contact with the owner and opening a discussion. (For all I know, Ronnie offered to run it past me with the owner. He does things like that, but would never let on to me.) So, I have the owner's phone number... and left it with Ronnie, that he didn't need to be in the middle of this, and thanks for the heads up. I've run the picture of the opportunity past BOTH of my useful big brothers and Doc said to not think about it; just buy it, if I'm not going into debt to do so... LOL. My bankers are already drooling over being able to invest that amount of money for me... if I DON'T do something with it. But I've also been throwing out ideas to the kids about ways to help them, in the here and now... without waiting till I'm compost.

So, it's at this point in all the crazy casual "relationship" - which it doesn't quite rise to that level in reality - that the steel gates come down and I don't chat about the goings on with him, beyond his "need to know" and same goes for my reasons for wanting that land. And maybe I'll get a chance to have my little talk with him about the other stuff. Sometimes, it's nice that my marshmallow morphs into a Viking at the drop of a hat.

I also have run this "Ronnie problem" past my widow friend who lives further downstate. She is pretty perceptive, and told me to consider that Ronnie might be having "marriage problems" and to dig out my 10 ft pole, too. Just like you guys. So that appears to be the consensus. And my distrust of his motivations is now strong enough, to be more on guard. So that problem is solved, settled in my own mind. I just need an opportunity to make that black & white for him.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---and then flip into a controlling, greedy, possessive -- and financially, serious risk -- to me, my business and the kids.
--- End quote ---
 
PM me if you'd like a very trustworthy and worth-the-drive estate attorney with a ton of experience with large clients and small. He also goes elsewhere in the state for consultations. This is what trusts are for. Bonus: his British accent.


--- Quote --- left it with Ronnie, that he didn't need to be in the middle of this, and thanks for the heads up.
--- End quote ---

BRAVO. Yes, exactly.


--- Quote ---What I'm good at, is appearing to be the naive, and unsuspecting female... to find out what I need to know.
--- End quote ---

Why pretend to be someone you're not? Why "trick"? It can feel SO good to speak straight up to those you trust, as you have with your friends. You can do the very same thing with professionals. What Ronnie offered is a straightforward real estate tip. Good to know, and you may choose to act on it. But that's all it was. It doesn't get to be embroidered into any form of enmeshment or intimacy or deeper relationship unless you invite it to.

Exciting you might get to preserve some land you'd enjoy protecting. For the land, for your family. You might even keep a protective parcel and develop part in a way you'd feel good about. Or not.


--- Quote ---it would enable me to do a few more things IF I had some additional physical help. See where that could work out good for Ronnie?
--- End quote ---
In rural communities, there are many physically strong, skilled people familiar with land and trees and equipment, who need work. Side jobs or PT jobs or whatever. Ronnie is not the only available helper where you live. Whack a line drive and you'll knock over 10 of them, without the vibes.

All this advice should be sifted for what rings sensible to you....ignore what doesn't....
You could go find out where women, firefighters, volunteers, vets gather. But don't look at hiring male help as a reason to act "naive and unsuspecting". You can be direct and clear. Describing the kind of help you need and asking for recommendations. It can be good to get recommendations from women who seem non-manipulative, experienced and decent. You can even mention, I'd like to hire some trustworthy help that I can feel comfortable around. Any woman who's lived a while knows what that means. Whether or not you're religious, a church community might be a good place to look, too. It's no guarantee, but you can find men who wouldn't cross boundaries.

And then you do need (I know you know this) to shore up your own. One day you will be able to melt and be vulnerable again. It'll come when it's right and you're ready. But wouldn't it be wonderful to meet someone* in the community, not just as the Lady of the Mountain? (My last lover was a friend who'd gardened for me, and in my loneliness, watching his muscles, etc. All very nicely Chatterly, but we had too little in common by a long shot.)


--- Quote ---He definitely only wants a one on one interaction.
--- End quote ---
That's guilty behavior. That's not married-man behavior. It means fantasy, and likely future harm.


--- Quote ---I can also see him asking me to sell him a chunk too.
--- End quote ---
Oof. Installing a problematic person (or a person who stimulates your own problematic side) permanently nearby. "No, not in my plan, sorry." No further explanation required.

When I was in grad school, the most strikingly talented and beautiful woman I knew, who could be slaying men and making them swoon right and left if she wanted, spent a ton of time in a rural quilting circle. Local farm women, artsy types, ordinary women of all sorts got together every month and did old-fashioned quilting...and talking and talking and talking, plus a potluck....together. It was my first glimpse of the strength and support and astonishing comfort women could give each other.

It wasn't what I experienced from other females when I was young. But as an adult, it changed my life to recognize and celebrate the power and significance of female friendship. I hope you find that too. It's steadying, balancing, comforting, encouraging. (There are always competitive or insecure women to avoid, and that's okay. People are still people.) It just took me a long time to discover how my fear of liking and trusting female friendship had meant I was cheating myself of the strength and support of sisterhood.

Hmmm, more I think about it, more I think that CRAFTERS, who populate a lot of mountain areas, might be where some of your as yet unmet sisters are. Of course! Potters, weavers, bread bakers, quilters and painters. Many are female and many build community. Instinctively trusting and helping each other.

Aww heck. Hope some of this is helpful. And not too annoying. I'm so cheering for you in your new life, Amber. I see it wonderful and see you happy.

hugs,
Hops

*SINGLE (ie, divorced or widowed. Not "separated...").

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