Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

<< < (9/33) > >>

lighter:
Aw, Amber.  Back pain.... so debilitating.

I use bio freeze, a back vibrator, and a lot of bending forward allowing my spine to lengthen, and hang.  I also do what appears to be dirty dancing against a wall, or on the floor to work out lower back muscle tightness.  If that doesn't work I swallow hard and ask retired chiropractor for an adjustment, which I hate to do.  I'm a bit like you... I want to do things on my own, and not have to ask for help, esp male help.

It looks like you have the Ronnie thing in hand.  The property will be a great deal you'll feel is worth considering, or it won't, IME.  Heck, the owner might be interested in owner finance that works out well for both parties.  Hard to say till you've dug around, and collected the details, IME.

I want to say that the sparks with Ronnie are really useful information, IME.  It doesn't have to be anything more than that.  You can file him away somewhere safe, and wash your hands of the ick factor, or you can allow it to keep coming up, and bugging you.  I'd re file him gratefully, and not give it another thought unless he requires a quick correction that makes clear your position.

In the meantime, how are you dealing with your back?  Is it getting better?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I don't want to jinx it - but yes, my back is better this morning. So far - later in the day, it seems to kick up again. But the plumbers are on the way now, so I've got most of the day being comfy still and not trying to do much. New stove is a dream btw. I'm anxious to bake in it and get my thermometer going in it to learn how much I can trust the controls/temp.

Hops - I'm afraid I totally confused you with "naive" comment. I DO, in most cases, make initial contact with someone straightforwardly, and as clearly as I can. I ONLY play that part (intentionally) when I suspect someone is trying to BS me or has ulterior motives in play or when I think it will generate some more solid clues about what that person really wants.

Sometimes, the role jumps out instinctively, protectively - and while it sets off an internal argument about just WTH I thought I was doing - it still produces solid results I can work with. Remember, I've been here a year now and Ronnie's been here - coming & going from the hunting grounds as he pleases - during that time. He does stop and talk to me, again - when I'm here alone and not when anyone else is around.

All the little intuitive things about him have added up over time. Confirming my suspicions/worries... until this last thing made it perfectly clear. He KNOWS now, he can push my lonely button and that in an offhand moment that I'll cave. I'm kinda hoping that since he backed off that weekend - only asking if I "needed" him to come and stay and hangout - that it's the end of it. I know I'll be having that chat, at our next opportunity, if he stops talking long enough for me to get a word in edgewise.

As for buying this property - we'll see. It's an opportunity for me, but Mr. Owner has forwarded his phone and all I get is a busy signal. So I can't even leave voicemail. I know people in DC are busy and when they have downtime, they totally unplug... but if this continues, I guess I'll wait till he lists it. The only other option, is that he might answer Ronnie's phone number. And I'd rather not have to ask him right now.

You're totally right about hiring other "help" than Ronnie. I've done that all summer long... it doesn't have to be Ronnie. That hit me yesterday thinking about all this and what I might do with all that land. As for the next Mr. Right... while I'm going to keep my options open... I think I do have some criteria that are non-negotiable. I'm not going to go off latching on to the first possibility that comes along, either. Never fear.

And sometime, when these big projects are done and the other stuff is under control... yes, I'll get out again. I'm really looking forward to that - as soon as I'm free to "move about the planet" again. LOL. I have multiple ideas/plans actually. Just not at that point in time yet.

ETA:

Twiggy's "really awful bad day" has been coming up for me a lot lately because of things in the news, and people talking about... and the fact that Holly works on the special effects crew of House of Cards. I was just able to write the whole story in one paragraph - and NOT relive it in the telling. That's a milestone I think.

But I think writing out my brother's situation... I realize that just below the conscious level, for all 3 of us... lurks our individual experiences of Twiggy's "really awful bad day" and the fear that this is another situation that could be like that. Bro has never, ever mentioned it and I'm not sure what, if anything, he remembers -- and my mom knows better than to go there with me. I've mostly forgiven her... so any more BS excuses about her behavior to me in that situation will just wake up the anger that I know is still barely simmering.

My T made me understand that it was critically important that I did not share my story and memories with the Bro. I think, because his reaction the first time, was to regress and pretty much cease to function as a "self". I'm gonna guess that it's even MORE important right now, since his current situation is closely enough parallel to the level of trauma from the past it almost looks like he & mom are living a deja vu of that time.

sKePTiKal:
I'm up, and moving slow. It's frigid and getting colder today outside. I need to break in the woodstoves today. The good news is I was able to turn over in bed, with only minor grumbling from my back. So... one more easy day today... which lets me think and spew things out my fingers.

This year, I got a card and a phone call from my mom, for my birthday. Go figure. Card was totally out of character for her, and her writing is starting to look like my brother's. Of course - the call was typical, same old same old... but I am starting to observe little signs that she's giving up some of her victim-complex. My brother's divorce is likely part of that - so I don't expect it to be permanent.

My brother called later in the day... and we talked for a good hour. This is a new bright spot in my "family" situation. It helps add some to my empty cup of "intimacy" with another person. While he is looking for commiseration and support because of his divorce process - and some advice here and there - I'm no longer feeling the subtext of "can you fix this for me"? that I used to. He finally made his decision, he's not second-guessing himself at all - while still mourning the dream of "what could've been", and he's being really open about his feelings in a way that I've not seen for years & years & years.

At this point, his lawyer is advising him to leave the house before Thanksgiving - because it's not safe for HIM. Wife is completely off her rocker and physically violent - and extremely abusive all the rest of the time. He has the same natural self-defense mechanisms I do... but under the circumstances understands he MUST keep them completely in control. The problem is Mom. He's recognized that it wouldn't be safe to leave her behind (I give my mom the odds over the wife, but then mom will have another breakdown) - but he doesn't want to share the space with her either. And I know I can't. At 84, she couldn't deal with all the steps at my place.

So, while he's found a couple interesting places to buy - he doesn't want to do that until the divorce is final. They don't have their first sit-down mediation meeting until January. So, he's having to find a place to rent. I am pushing the social interaction of an assisted living community for my mom - especially one that can adapt to more nursing, as needed. Guess I'm on the hook for half the cost... and likely doing the legwork to find something in the area she's living in - and is familiar with. He didn't ask that... I'm just realizing it this moment. He doesn't have time to do both. And he's sleep deprived because of the abuse at home.

The oldest kid is in college now. She refuses to go back to the house - whether her mom is there or not... because mom will call her screaming at her, if she goes home and hangs out with Dad instead of her. The youngest will graduate HS in 2 years. I've seen firsthand how she treats him - but he seems totally immune to it - like water off a duck's back. But it may not be safe for him to continue to live with mom either -- the wife transfers a lot of her anger at my brother onto the boy. I need to mention that to the bro... in case the marriage counselor, which bro is still seeing (wife quit a few years ago) hasn't done so. Counselor has diagnosed wife as "characteristically hostile"... among, possibly also sociopathic and bi-polar.

So, something else I need to figure out now is "what's best for mom"... Mom is getting pickier and more complain-y in her old age... but does like having someone around to talk to even though she claims she doesn't. LOL. She was always impossible to please... nothing was ever good enough for a grateful "thank you". And of course, there is the problem of all mom's "stuff" which STILL matters more to her than anything else.

Hopalong:
Oh my gosh. Those poor kids. Their mother is ensuring they will have long scars from the divorce. And your brother...it's good he's moving forward to divorce but I hear you saying it feels perilous to everyone. I'm so sorry. It's wonderful that his reaching out has brought you closer, though. Has he been to see your new place yet?

Good news that assisted living will happen for your Mom. After the adjustment, she may become surprisingly happier. I notice every day how the residents at the place where I work create "family" for each other. They're in and out of each other's simple apartments all the time, they check on each other, and have dinner together at tables where they build relationships. These folks are in a setting of "independent living plus" kind of thing. Shakily, but they're still mobile. They get basic housekeeping, dinner every night (but only brunch on weekends, so need to manage other weekend meals), and emergency checks. Transportation and various outings are available. There's a very active bridge group, even a writing group. And it's in a pretty setting.

It's not a palace, it's mid-range. (There are a couple of retirement places here that ARE palaces.) But I've noticed how much they care for each other, and that's a piece I hadn't anticipated.

Once there's a need for actual assisted living (help with ADLs, or Activities of Daily Living, like dressing, bathing, meds) there's a new building with one-room apartments and that higher level of care. Plus a separate memory unit.

What bugs me is this place is NOT adding skilled nursing in their mammoth new facility we've all been watching go up. So, it must mean the real profit is in the assisted living and memory care...both of which are relatively easy to run and nicely expensive. But for people who become seriously weak or ill and need NURSES...they have to move somewhere else. Pisses me off that they all live in fear of that trauma--having to move away from their friends and familiar staff--but I'm sure running a nursing unit is more complicated and thus less profitable for the corporate owners.

Ugh. Those who die in their sleep before the end stages of American "care" are lucky.

Now that I've cheered everyone up...ta for now.  :?

Glad your back pain is better Amber...we've been synchronized with that this week. You be careful, hear? A true thrown-out back would be worse misery than normal if you're stuck in pain alone for long. I'm really glad you've found other helpers and hope a good friend will visit soon. Sounds like it might be time for some company.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
The kids show up tomorrow for a couple days Hops. They're eminantly useful and loads of fun. I am breaking in the new stove... made a cheesecake today and cooking lamb ahead of a shepherd's pie tomorrow. I haven't been much of a cook lately... so I feel like spoiling them a little. Might break out the grill Sunday morning for pancakes. There aren't any big jobs for them to do.

The hunters also arrive probably Sunday; maybe Monday... for the opening week of rifle season. I might have to think about doing some Christmas shopping that week... LOL.

oops not done yet - LOL -

I have to take & post a pic of the cutest little Lodge cast iron dutch oven I got - just right to cook for me! My big one is either 4 or 6 qts. This is a lot easier to manage.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page