Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

<< < (11/33) > >>

Hopalong:
Ai, yi, yi Amber....it sounds nightmarish, truly.

I remember being asked by my T when I'd rant about my mother's self-absorption, illogical, and especially her panicked monologues. I would respond to them with a rising spiral of panic of my own because (though I didn't get this then) what was happening in me was, if I don't succeed in reassuring and calming her, I have failed. If I don't succeed in getting her to be reasonable, I have failed. (Or, I'm a Bad Daughter.)

My T said, once I took a breath, there's another thing you could say. I go, what? He goes, "Oh my, that sounds very difficult, what are you going to do?"

You can't always stop there when it's a dependent (alas, many elders are) but it was the first time I got that I could teach myself to listen without imagining that I had to be the solution.

I am SO glad you put in steps. I think perhaps a moat and drawbridge would be nice adds...

Lighter's spot on, ime.

I'm really sorry. It's stunning that if your brother has known for a time that he has to leave the house (I didn't quite realize your mother was living with your brother and his wife) by Tgiving...that he doesn't have a plan in place for her.

Hope to god there is an assisted living apartment opening available near him right now.

Fingers crossed,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
The immediacy of the problem may require a short hotel stay. Until he can find a place to rent. Which is more than enough for him to think about right now. I took it on myself to start looking at community options for my mom, so when the topic comes up - again - I can send him some links.

No matter what is decided or what is resolved - it will clearly never suit her. The venom against my brother is out of this world. Her assumption is that what she believes is what is really going on - and that she is, by nature of being her - "right" about it all - despite me saying: you can't possibly know that.

No matter the substance of what is going around her and how intensely it may affect others - it's always been all about her. And she believes she's in control, btw.

Pffffft. It's not like he can take time off from his job - he has scheduled track meets to chaperone, etc - until this week. And he's only had 2 weeks to try to resolve the "place to rent" problem, while still working 60-70 hr weeks and being sleep deprived. All he wants is a couple days peace & quiet to be able to think straight.

I think separate hotel rooms would make sense. 

Driving to town & back settled my brain down a good bit. She's trying to make all this my problem - and then it would get to be my turn for being the target of her venom. BTDT and have the t-shirt. Best thing I can do is still support my brother without telling him what to do - I can suggest options, leaving decisions up to him. Tell him I think he's doing a good job with the mess he's got on his hands. And do that legwork on places where mom can be on her own - but with help at hand, if needed - since brother will still be traveling a lot for the near future. He doesn't need to hear any more grief from anyone else about his choices and the reality he's facinig.

Hopalong:
You're such a caring sister.
That research and those links will be an enormous help for him.

Venom. Ugh. Belongs to her and nope, you don't have to hold out a hand for her to bite.

I think you're right it will make no difference what you say or have said. If she's full-tilt N, and sounds like she is...your intelligence, sense of fairness, and willingness to live in an evidence-based reality are all just drops of water on the umbrella of her self-absorption. She lives in a cloud of self.

(Now there's an overworked metaphor for ya...)

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL. We probably shouldn't overwork the metaphors - they might not be up to the task when we really need them. LOL.

Here's a fun but horrifying factoid, for ya. My boundary-pushing flirtatious buddy Ronnie... is only a year older than Holly. (There is a tiny judgemental victorian crone jumping up & down in my brain screaming "what were you thinking?!" LOL  or maybe it's frowning Mammy from Gone with the Wind, muttering "It ain't fittin' ".) I am still digesting this.

Holly has always proudly introduced me to her friends. I'm usually embarrassed by how she shows me off. Feel like a pet unicorn trotted out to amaze her friends. But her friends are truly interesting people too. And over the years, I have gotten fond of some of them. Yes, she put out the word I'd be in the city for the holiday... and a few people will drop by to say hi to me. It's strange, and weird and wonderful in some undefinable way.

So in that context, looking at the confusion with Ronnie, I can kinda see how I would let myself drift away into some la-la land fantasy - irregardless of age - because of the flirting, his constant offers of assistance (and my real need for some), and the fact that we do connect over this particular little corner of the planet. I'm gonna have to conclude that it's possible I completely misjudged his motivation - even though there's no mistaking some of the words out of his mouth or the way I feel in response.

The other day I asked him if his wife doesn't like to hunt. He said she was planning on being here with the guys today. I'll be keeping an eye out, to beg an introduction. I think that's one of the safer paths to proceed on. Even though, I think perhaps I can keep a tight enough rein on my fantasy-imagination to allow Ronnie and I place to "play" and flirt a little bit... and not be in danger of going any further than that.

Went to the big city over the mountain yesterday to take care of banking and make another Costco run. It was crowded, I got a lucky parking space, and had a list - I didn't want to spend all day gawking at stuff or making an impulse buy. And yet... there were a couple times my "radar" picked up the proximity of a "being of interest" near me. One was at least 6'6" and as white-haired as I am. Well put together, especially the rear view...

... and given how calendar dates shift... today - Tuesday - is the day two years ago that Mike passed. I'm pretty sure that even though we were so close for all those years, he would encourage me to find someone else to be in a relationship with. (That seemed to be a mutual understanding between us.) That ain't going to happen unless I get off the farm more often.

I remembered the day this morning - just like our anniversary in Sept - but not grieving over it. I am noticing the "space" that exists, more often though. Even though I'm letting myself spread out into that space... there is still room for another person. But I'm not aggressively shopping - I still have plenty of things I want to do that keep me busy - and Holly's turning out to be a useless matchmaker.

Twoapenny:
Skep, I'm sorry to read that it's Mike's anniversary, and sorry to read that your mum is being so exhausting.  Well done to you for holding your ground and keeping it out of your space.  That refusal to deal with what needs to be done, to find a million ways to blame everyone else (and therefore make it their problem to sort out) and that need to argue and be right, rather than trying to find a way through or just asking for advice (or a specific request - I need to look for somewhere - can you help me?) is just soooo tiring and is like reading about my mum!

One incident with her (which makes me laugh when I think about it because it really shows the craziness of the situation) was a time, many years ago, when we were watching TV and Madonna had just released a cover version of Don McLean's 'American Pie'.  I commented that I preferred the original and my mum started to argue with me about that - essentially her feeling was that, as I wasn't alive when Don McLean released the original, I had no right to like it and would have to like 'my generation's' version instead.  Lol.

I hope your mum gets sorted without driving everyone round the bend and I like the sound of the well built, white haired man in Costco :) xx

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page