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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Thank you both SO much (and Amber, especially for pausing in the middle of the festivities to throw a post my way, much much appreciated!)

I think not labeling for a while is a really good idea, Tupp. I'm going to try to cut it out.

I just took him a basket of comforts and his face was just alight when he answered the door. That was sweet and made me feel good. (Did stand at a distance and treat him as though he has the plague though, which he understood. I Would Not Touch. I dread flu for myself but esp. don't want to carry it to the old folks for whom it could be dangerous.)

On the way out there I stopped at the little business B'd told me about and had a great talk with the owner. I told him a friend had told me about the gun-flashing intimidation he'd had over his photo of his grandfather and he was moved. I just said I'd come in because I wanted to tell him how terribly sorry I was that this kind of bigotry had walked into his business, and we had a lovely talk about Thomas Jefferson's Koran, how much he loves America, and how much it hurt when that man did what he did. But he also said any publicity or "campaign" to support him would likely make things worse for him, which I sadly understood. Sweet man. He said he taught economics for years. I don't know what country he's from but think I'll stop in again and become a friend. Ironically, when I said I wasn't shopping since I don't eat meat he laughed and said, "I'm a vegetarian too."

I gave him my BLM pin and said, this really means brown/yellow/purple/Muslim and female Lives Matter and he said it's the human intention that makes this gift beautiful. I'm glad I did it.

Thank you again, both, for helping me get back in the present and have more faith in myself.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
So the minute I got back in the car (after already thanking me on his porch) B calls me to thank me again for the "flu comfort basket" and I said you're very welcome! When I get home he calls again and thanks me again (I didn't pick up as I was feeling smothered) and this time offers the week getaway in one month's time. When I called back I said, I thought we'd agreed we'd take a long weekend before committing to 7 days together and he said yes, but the timeshare dates have changed so now the only week available is a month from now.

He seemed annoyed that I didn't instantly agree but not nasty about it. Anyway, for me it involves: losing a week's income, boarding my dog who's not used to it, worrying about the elders two of whom are very frail right now, and ... feeling pressure (theme) to go faster/farther than I'm ready for. I got the impression (not sure) that after feeling so happy to see me he jumped on the phone with his brother (with whom he shares the timeshare in Hilton Head) and nailed down an open date.

So I wrote him all the things that give me pause and suggested a long weekend away instead.

We'll see how that goes down!

Oh, he also mentioned while touting how wonderful it would be that he and his wife used to go there too. So I said in my email, I think if it was a favorite vacation with your wife it might be healthier for us to do something different together, what do you think?

Then again, it's nice that he's found a "free" vacation for us, which reduces $$ pressure on us both.

All that said, I dunno. And we'll see.

love,
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

How does the "free" time share option reduce your costs?

And....
It's a red flag when a man tries to change your no into a yes, ime. 

You said yes to a long weekend. 

No to a full week.....you explained why it was important to you.  Has he forgotten?

He didn't ask you to change your answer.   He assumed you'd do it without any discussion, which makes me wonder wether or not he understood your position in the first place.   

 He's disappointed you aren't as eager as he is..... disappointed doesn't mean anything in particular, imo.  It's how he handles his disappointments that will tell.


As for the Vaca location.... anyone would prefer somewhere fresh, and new, away from reminders of B's late wife, imo.  I don't judge him for wanting to share a familiar place, and stories that honor his late wife.  I'm sure it will do B good to share his pain, and memories.  The thing is, I wouldn't want my new relationship to be about his rebounding hard, and heavy around that chapter of his life.

I'd like to feel that pushing him out if his comfort zone would be healthy, and pay dividends without end as the relationship forms.

I remember my late husband booking dreadful hotel rooms I refused to stay in.....we ended up changing to hotels we both enjoyed, and we didn't argue about it.  I was worthy, and had I held my tongue I would have simmered and hated every minute of the entire trip.

  I held my tongue a lot in that marriage, but there was very little reason that I should have been uncomfortable in a disgusting situation we could easily advocate for myself without getting defensive or aggressive or emotional.  It was simply a fact that my comfort counted, and I had the expectation we could both be comfortable.  Your comfort factors in n too.  I thought that was established, but clarity is required, imo.

Your B wants to vacation, forge an intimate relationship with you, and build a new life.

If his saving a few dollars is the priority in all this, I have to throw another red flag on the field.

If he must take you to a place he took his wife, I'm not quite sure what to make of it.  Is he willing to try a new location?  If not, why?

You have a chance to learn a good deal about this man very quickly as you advocate for yourself. 

Stay upbeat, and eager to get on with whatever you're comfortable with, Hops.  I'm hoping your positive attitude will lift him and carry him through to understanding and compromise (without resentment.)

I'm still one finger typing on my phone, along with a house full of family, and wish I had time to edit.  Sorry for such lengthy posts.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Quick reponse, Hops, as I slept NINE HOURS last night (that never happens) and I'm running late (will update on the other thread lol) but...

Wonderfully sweet and caring of you to take B a goodie basket and his reaction (at the door) was very sweet, too.

Enormously loving and gracious of you to go and speak to the man who had that horrible experience; spreading a little love, in person (particularly to someone you don't know) is more valuable than any kind of material or financial gift anyone can ever provide, in my opinion, I'm sure that guy went to bed with his heart a little lighter that evening.  You're such a sweetheart.

B with the phone calls, changing plans, wanting to holiday where he took his wife - ditto what Lighter said and to be honest I think having to keep putting brakes on and explaining things after you've already clearly stated x, y and z is going to get tiring quite quickly.   With the holiday - his timeshare, shared with his brother, that he used to go to with his wife - I'd be inclined to avoid (at least for now) and go somewhere new and neutral.  Cheap and cheerful, doesn't have to be a million miles away and if money is/becomes an issue - then no need to go perhaps?  Deffo keep us posted :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Well, I can see the practicality of a "free week" but it's really clear he hasn't completely recognized what a week away means in your life. Doesn't mean anything big per se; just that because it's not a big deal for him to go away... he doesn't see how that impacts you. "Getting to know you" stuff.

I would EXPECT him, now, to continue pressuring you to move faster than you want. It seems to be a pattern now. I'm suspicious that he really IS attempting to fill a grief hole - that "bereft" bit; the space I also recognize sometimes that was filled in my life by Mike - now. Doesn't mean he doesn't truly like you... just that he's seeing an easy path forward to what he thinks he wants. You CAN be wiser than him, you know...

And in this case, even accepting that some people don't handle alone time and the deeper loneliness emotion well... you can stick to your decision to go at your pace. What's the worst that could happen? He could get annoyed and think about maybe finding someone else. That wouldn't be such a TERRIBLE outcome for you... it would validate that it wasn't the right time, with this particular person. Maybe this is what your first argument is about... but at that point, you have the opportunity to make it abundantly clear in simple terms that you aren't going to be persuaded by any means to move from that "rule"... and WHY - because the why is very important about and to you.

How long have you been communicating with him now? Seeing him? I ask, because you can be a immovable object - it's your right - about how fast you are comfortable proceeding. Yes, it entails risk that he'll move on to choice #2. But perhaps this won't happen. Maybe he'll man up and realize you're no pushover on certain things... and respect that. It's good to demonstrate that early in a relationship, IMO.

It may also engrave it on his brain that he's not now dating his late wife... and that comparisons aren't fair at ALL. That THIS relationship is going to be a different thing. (As it can't help being.) Remember me, telling Mike he had me confused with some other wife? Yeah; it was necessary to remind him even after 10 years together. I never saw that as being his attitude toward women - always, without exception; it was more that he was responding based on prior experience with another person - another wife - and not seeing that I am different.

If you don't feel comfortable with what a week's getaway means in actual terms for you - gently say you really can't, given your obligations. Regret may be appreciated too. But you know, us older ladies have actual LIVES... that we're not going to throw under the bus because someone brings us flowers and is nice to us. We don't mind ADDING to our lives... but what we have that we made for ourselves, we're loathe to throw away - even AFTER "happily ever after". It's part of our identity... what makes "us" US.

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