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Heist on Something....

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sKePTiKal:
LOL.... the hand on back illustration...
Yes, I see the Hops-reaction and how naturally it would arise. I know I've had those thoughts/feelings too. But many guys of this generation were raised with those kinds of gentlemanly manners. It was considered a sign of respect - until that respect was seen as covering up some less-positive attitudes toward women. Like opening doors, too. While I'm sure the connection arose from someone's actual experience - it was applied so broadly to all men, all the time - that it's considered a given now, that the gesture automatically MEANS the mysoginistic attitude is present. That's kind of unfair to my way of thinking.

I figure it's just a guy doing what he was taught was polite until I have reason to believe otherwise.

Yeah, I'd be creeped out dressing in his wife's clothes too. But I think you got that pegged just right.

And I have the same issue talking to someone in person - even the phone is still a bit of an issue - so digital/writing still is the best way for me to express myself. It's like too much sensory input at one time to remember what I'm trying to say and how.

Hopalong:
I don't think it's a "given" really, or at least not among my friends. Most, if they refer to those old-school courtesies, choose to accept them as well-meaning, courtly gestures. To some, they feel sweet. Most women I know anyway (feminists all, but man-haters none at all).

I just find them particularly symbolic in ways that trigger me, so I gotta deal with my trigger mechanism. It's tiring, you know, figuring out balance in "don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff" that would lead me straight to dissolving capitulation with things I actually believe erode my dignity... and having a peaceful life and not living in a defensive posture.

That balance. Mine is clearly out of whack but the thinking is conscious and nearly constant.

This relationship may have been plopped in my path to soothe some of those primal female hurts and calm the reflexive female anger at being dominated. Or (lordy hope not) to bring it all up one more time, with me not knowing confidently where to draw the line.

Some Lighterisms in my cookies that are helping:
Beware turning my No into a Yes
Remain calm.

I am excitable. Dammit.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
Well B is over his flu and we're meeting in town tonight for the 3 Billboards movie, which I'm really looking forward to. Tomorrow, he's watching the game and I'll go to his place for the evening once it ends. I'm looking forward to it. He's snuggly and I think calmer now (since The Talk). We'll see!

I sense that he is less comfortable with driving at night and more physically cautious in the world. I don't mean athletically -- he golfs and plays raquetball and hikes and I have to flog myself to get moving. He is much fitter than I am but does have some vision issues, so maybe that's it. Kind of makes me think that his urgency could be about settling in for the long hard chapter with a woman at his side...because he really does sense more than I do the edge of the scythe.

I can't fault him for that because with 70 a couple years off, two does sound safer than one. What the very-elders go through, that I see all the time at work, is brutal as combat. The fight to navigate the world upright as possible, endure body breakdowns, maintain what control you can. To have an ally and/or advocate who loves you would sure make it easier. Two out of my three have signed up for the new building...which opens in April and includes assisted living (they're now in "independent" and for these two, it's unsafe) plus a memory unit, which I know they dread.

My least-favorite lady, who's got that Npower going for her delusions...needs to be there. Yesterday she lost her phone and I finally found it in a kitchen drawer. But her devoted son is very on top of things, coming to town almost twice a month, going to critical doctor visits, etc. I don't think she's long for this world...she has one kidney and it's failing and infected right now. Part of what her dementia causes is self-neglect. Simple things she needs to do (like elevate her feet and legs for 15 minutes/hr) she skips over because she's so powerfully driven not to miss one single bridge game or opportunity to be with others, because conversation and attention drive her so powerfully. She really is Nish, so I'm seeing what it's like at 90.... I worry about her still.

Hmmm. Another big B-thought is rising so I'll do a different post since it's a different thing.

xo
Hops

Hopalong:
Thought I'd share this summary I sent a friend who wrote to ask how it's going:



B and I are still in it, and finding it sometimes hard.
Again, in my psyche, we've only been an exclusive/real couple
since the start of December. For me, the relationship's momentum has
been a bit overwhelming, because I've been single since 1995.
B has been single under two years. And was monogamous
for 40+ years. We have radically different histories.

I have been in many more relationships and have wrestled
with being alone (and mostly managed it) for decades. He is
frantic to nail everything down and that goes against every
scrap of inner wisdom I have. Two divorces and the romantic
delusions that got me married have made me approach love
very, very differently. He is still, understandably, more like a
young man who believes that plunging in will relieve his
existential anxiety and that forcing the pace is a solution.

So. He gets frustrated over any mis-steps in communication
and I retreat from any pressure or guilting. The way I see it,
time is expansive, he and I are both healthy so desperation
about looming death is not a good reason to leap before we
really know each other, have contemplated how we'll manage
our differences realistically, and crucially, have truly considered
compatibility issues that will long outlast honeymoon feelings.
Should we keep on going, at some point I will require serious
premarital counseling. And I am confident he'll agree to it.

But here's the good news. We have bumped into some mild
conflict and are tiptoeing into some contrasting worldviews that,
in the age of Trump, are difficult to dismiss. Yet every time we
do talk it through, I have been rewarded by feeling respected
and see that he will make a huge effort to listen and understand.
I am eager to do the same for him. What I'm not entirely yet
sure about (and this is okay with me, to not yet know) is whether
these intense conversations are motivated by his desperation
to "seal the deal" (anxiety) or a real desire to learn and grow.

He does challenge my habits of independence because I am
not used to someone expecting (almost demanding) gestures or
time that I have owed no one for a long time. I'm not quite there in
terms of putting him first. That too, is okay for now. I do work, I do
write, I do have other activities I care about. And while he is very
important to me, so are my own interests. This appears
difficult for him to assimilate at times.

The thing I intend to observe and learn more about with some
more time (a bit over six weeks is not very long) is whether B
carries some anger issues under the gentle, courteous surface.
He's mentioned "fighting" with his wife but changed the subject
when I asked how those fights played out. She was alcoholic
and he told me once, with a near-tortured affect, that he had
thought he may have "driven her to it." I don't think that's true
but it does hint at volatility and/or misery between them.

Why does it matter? I have ZERO tolerance (regardless of what
others might have) for being yelled or raged at. Period. The first
time would be the last time. This is my nature, my experience, and
my self-knowledge. I would walk out the next day regardless. So it's
very important to me to explore whether there can be assurances
about that, since conflict is inevitable in any relationship. He does
(beneath the charm) have what a woman I met in a church group
once would call a "forcing energy." Toward me, anyway. And of
course, politically, I sense some of his views are very hard. His
forceful approach to moving us forward might be part of a personality
that was for years in charge of sales for a growing company. But
in fact he is a shy introvert, and I think very dependent on his partner
for comfort. So dependent that he may be petulant when not being
frequently soothed. Not sure yet but I'm sensing that.

He's socially naive and talks about others in stereotypes, which
I find nearly unendurable. Because "Indians" are pushy and don't
wait their turn with shopkeepers and that means arrogance, he's
"always had a bad opinion" of "them". So his laborious description
of how he's found one Indian neighbor to be a nice woman and it's a
huge revelation to him...made me want to tear my hair out. My deep
sense of social justice and apparently much much wider experience
with people from different cultures are in big contrast. The thing is,
though his baby steps are delightful (in perhaps getting past right-wing
stereotypes) it demands very arduous patience from me. It's hard
because I'm an impatient person with those who are slow to catch
on to humanity. B thinks and speaks and reads very slowly and
I am quick (too quick, often), verbally and mentally. I am not saying
I'm smarter than he is, I'm just faster. And twitchy with impatience
plus ADD. I worry conversely, about how my disorganization will
meet his perfectionism. These are real, appropriate concerns.
It's a big growth challenge for me to learn to slow down and be
gentle, reassuring, and ... just be better at it. I'm not more virtuous
or morally superior but I have left-wing views held passionately.

NONE of this is to say B is abusive or not a good person. But
these are real energies that, along with my own complexities and
baggage, will take real time to make our way through. I am still
optimistic but I'm not soaring. I feel calm, and within my senses,
and have no urge to bolt. It's actually surprising to feel that after
early panics, I am feeling like a grounded, adult woman who does
know who she is. And I do like having someone in my life who is
really digging in, trying hard to forge something real. I'm grateful.

B is interesting, worthwhile, and attractive to me. The process
is draining but rewarding. We're looking forward to taking a long
weekend together for more time to talk. That will be so helpful.
And his so-far-ongoing willingness to keep working at it is great.

sKePTiKal:
Amazingly perceptive analysis Hops. I'm glad you're feeling grounded now, and you seem to be refining just what your hopes and expectations are now, too. And waiting to see if can meet them.

It all sounds good.

Stereotypes are SUCH a disabling thing to forging relationships, and because I think everyone (even those trying very hard to NOT do this) still do to one degree or another... we have to figure out just how much "slack" to cut others and ourselves. And find ways to communicate that. That's probably a whole topic in/of itself.

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