Heist on Something....

[lighter]

Hi Hops:

I believe B sends you those stupid chain e mails with the same title someone else perhaps sent him?  DOES he think you'll be delighted.... really?

If so, what does that mean?  I forget, but did you ask him to take your off his offensive joke mailing list?   That should remind him you aren't interested, and have a problem with them, in fact.

About the head injury stuff.... he's a guy who likes high impact American sports.  There are lots of them out there.  He'll likely never be someone who gives up his long time love of them.  He'll never advocate for them to be abolished.  He's not that guy.

What he is is..... a guy who likes or loves you very much, and wants you to BE that person in his life, despite his feelings about it.  He's OK with your views, or so it seems.

He doesn't have to be like you, hold your views or work alongside you, at least not at this time in our lives, IME... you aren't raising children together.

You're support, and he's support.  You're companions.  You're there for each other, in your own ways, and maybe for the rest of your lives.  Maybe for a shorter while.

I think you're thinking about this too hard. You don't have to marry the guy this month.  You don't have to do anything, and doesn't realizing that take some pressure off?  There should be zero pressure right now, IMO.  This should be fun.  This should be a curious time with you paying attention.... noticing what comes up.

I think you're doing that very well, btw.  It's just.....

you don't have to figure out what it means yet, IMO.

You're still gathering information, (and having fun I hope.)

Play with asserting yourself,  making your views known, discussing important things with him without much editing yourself.

Pay attention to how you feel, how he responds, what comes of it... what changes, if anything.

You may be right.... he may not be the one. 

Then  again, he might be, even though he's different in so man ways.  I wonder if he could get on board with something you really care about... if that would make a difference for you.  Just one thing.

In the meantime... what's right about him and the relationship?  What's good?

Lighter



 

 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Tupp.
I've actually wondered whether there's something cognitively wrong, too, which would not be his fault nor anything I'd ever for a second blame him for if it's so. But I've noticed some blankness, inability to find words, and one odd moment when we were on our cell phones, he had to go fetch something, and he comes back and picks up his house phone and I hear him talking into it...hello hello? He didn't remember which phone he was on. I'm not judging this but it's scary, as his Dad had Alzheimer's. Saintly or Cinderella-y as I may be (or not) I know I could not take that on intentionally. Would care-give of course if we were married but would not take that on if I could see it coming prior to that. What's going on with the 93 y/o I work for is very draining. I'm sad for him but his nastiness escalates along with his physical troubles (it reminds me of my decade with Nmom). So I'm pretty alert to worrisome signs with B.

There's also maybe some passive-aggressive stuff going on that I don't understand. Maybe he's going through the switch himself, as he's been more withdrawn lately. I asked him if he'd ever been formally diagnosed with anxiety or depression and he said he's on an SSRI and OCD "had been mentioned." He seems to be going through a big mood dip. So maybe we're on the same page about not being right for each other. We'll see.

He's also talked about future housing again and I guess that's bothering me too. Maybe I should just stay in my little house which I love... dunno. I'm sure my perspective's a little off this week also because my church is going through a huge controversy with people leaving and that's depressing me. (Only family and it's in jeopardy.)

I'm a humorless prude maybe, but the joke stuff does disturb me. Lighter, you asked if he was writing those intros about how I'd be laughing out loud, etc. He wrote those personally to me. I'm not on a group email, he's taken the trouble to select one and forward it to me separately. I believe he genuinely does find ugly stuff funny because he disregards (or misses) the sexist stereotyping and focuses on the juvenile punchline. Whereas I'm so grossed out by the racist or sexist stereotype that whatever's "clever" about the punchline is meaningless to me, even though I get that it's supposedly funny.

I guess it just feels so weird that he doesn't understand that about me. I sense him struggle to connect with me intellectually. He's very smart in the engineer way but perhaps just not able to get what I think about, even when I've told him what I think about. His joke sending is clearly a form of reaching out. I think he just doesn't know what to say a lot, so our conversations can be extremely labored. If my energy's up I'm really chatty and he seems to enjoy that a lot, but he really has very little to say. If I say something about a tough thing at work or at church or in a friend's life, he instantly advises. Every single time. And his advice is usually superficial and labored and though it's a classic "man wants to fix things" I do feel irritated. It's just not much fun talking to him these days. The connection is very loose, unfortunately.

And maybe he's struggling with depression plus possibly signs of dementia. I feel badly for him but am worried that it's more than I can deal with.

As to the boxing thing, you're right, Lighter. He's not that guy. Funny, but boxing and wrestling were huge turnoffs about my first husband and I never got past his lack of empathy for the humans in the ring. It's similar to B "loaning back" his designer dog for breeding. To many people that's a perfectly fine practice since the dog's experience just isn't relevant. Or, the notion of having empathy for an animal (livestock) isn't a big deal. I understand. It's just the kind of difference between us that does matter.

Houses, golf, travel preferences don't matter much. Even the food obsessions (and the woman should do it) don't matter that much. But the sexism/racism blankness -- not seeing it or not caring about it, the difference is moot -- and the tolerance for violence and others' pain, do matter.

He got really agitated on the phone one morning and told me he was "upset" about a call we'd had (he caught me with my hot dinner waiting so I was fairly direct about needing to be quick) and he'd gone on and on about his wife's recipe collection and could we go through it together and pick out recipes to make and what could we do because I don't eat meat...and he was obsessed with the subject. I've told him over and over I don't want to make cooking a big focus because I just don't want to spend a lot of time planning and talking days ahead and generally about what we'll eat days from now. That was his wife's biggest role in his life it seems and he can't adapt to the change without real emotional distress. It seems like a deep, deep issue for him and though I sympathize I do not want to be responsible for comforting him in this way. It's not how I express myself, it's just a chore. A big one I'm not relaxed about myself. I want healthful, simple, nutritious. I don't have enough time to write my novel or garden and I still work. He's retired but spends hours and hours poring over papers in his office (with an assistant twice a week). I'm not retired, so if food's that critical then...he can do food. Or more of food.

I just may not want this as badly as I thought. Or, it may be that we have so very very little in common that now that we're in month #4, other things are getting in the way. The chemistry is failing for me too.

It's not B's fault. I'm picking away at him above...I do see it. I think what that's all about is either me freaking out over future fears of being trapped with him in a house while he deteriorates and it's caregiving 2.0 without shared joys, and me facing some real incompatibilities I've tried to gloss over or ski around prior to this point.

We were both so lonely when we met that I think we've had some real momentum toward dismissing or downplaying some really big differences. People always say partnerships are happier when two people have a lot in common. B and I have very very little in common, except the desire not to be alone....

Maybe this is just a switch moment as you point out, Tupp. I'll try to just ride this "flight urge" through again, and see if we weather it.

Or Amber, your last point might be the truth I'm avoiding. The differences ARE too big for long-term happiness.

If I get to a point of realizing I just don't want to risk it all with him, I won't be sorry for a moment that we tried. It's been overall a good experience, truly.

Grumpy insomniac here...bear with me.

Love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, it might even be that in the grand scheme of things you and B are each other's stepping stone to the next person.  Sometimes that happens, you meet someone, get to know them, get a clearer idea of what you do and don't want and then meet someone more like that the next time along.

In all honesty I would also be very alert to signs of health problem in people - I think when you've done so much caring, as you have, and have seen how soul destroying and isolating it can be, it can make you more finely tuned to it and there's nothing in the world wrong with not wanting to become someone else's nurse (married or not).  And I don't think you're a humourless prude; personally I have never understood why there are men who think women would find sexist jokes funny and I hate white people assuming I'll find their racist jokes funny because I'm white really offensive (and I laugh very easily at all sorts of things - even farting ).

It's not a bad thing if this turns out not to be your thing, Hops.  You might feel differently in a few weeks and be keen on the idea again.  You might decide it's definitely a no and stop seeing him.  You might find you both feel a relationship isn't on the cards but the odd dinner date or phone chat might be.  I don't think you need to give yourself a hard time.  It will be what it is.  Maybe just see how things go for a while.  Maybe you need a couple of weeks of not seeing him to gain a bit of perspective.  But you know what, I have absolute faith that you will figure out what you're doing and do what's right for you - and that you'll do it calmly, graciously and in a way that always leaves a door open, whichever way you end up going.  You're doing an amazing job xx

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Tupp. That was very comforting.
I don't know what got into me in the middle of the night but, wow.

I hope I ride it through and realize that a whole bunch of forces are playing on me right now...Ngent's  serious deterioration (he's been in a pain crisis, I've had to hire an agency to fill in extra time but he still calls me three times on my day off and he's not yet able to move to assisted living, so most of the responsibility falls on me). And the church stuff has rattled my world.

But I feel as though I'm thinking unfairly. I wish I could adopt the lighter (no pun intended, Lighter!  ) more playful attitude toward this.

Gonna work on that. Hops dunno.

Thank you for listening to all of this...
xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops dear... I agree with Lighter that you're putting too much pressure on yourself. But you're clearly not having fun... because "possibilities" or not... his insensitivity to your strong dislikes irritates the crap out of you. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET IT IRRITATE YOU and even generate the questioning about the potential "future".

BTW, something else is coming up from what you wrote. About "connection"... and how that induces "chemistry". I don't know where I'm going with that right now... and have to put my "doing" shoes on again... but one thing I know off the top of my head, is that if there isn't enough "connection" between you, it's much harder to tolerate those differences between people. Like Mike's "collecting" gene... even though it was a constant low-level irritant that sometimes erupted into "end of the world divorce matches" (LOL)... I did learn to tolerate it BECAUSE I was sure enough of our connection to know he really couldn't help it. It was "who" he was. So I accepted it - no matter how much it made me crazy. (And I'm kinda exploring that connection thing with the Viking... we pleasant enough with each other... but the connection seems entirely in my own mind - and still just "potential". Dunno if I'm patient enough to hang around and see if one develops.)

Also, am "rehersing" for girls weekend... Holly sounds close to making some decisions and apart from connection, one of the things she's struggling with... is that Matt gets to make the "rules", what she wants doesn't seem important enough for him to give her, and she's feeling really badly about even wanting/needing them... as if she's too demanding, needy or selfish. Y'all know how I would "read" that... given my extensive experience with passive-aggressiveness. She's been trying to drag Matt into being a responsible adult - and living that way. He'll be 40 this year and I agree with her assessment of how his "priorities" are ranked right now - both for himself, and them together. He's really fighting turning into an adult - and leans on her too much (and then gripes she's trying to control him) for the basics - like finances. I'm being way more assertive about my point of view, here... than I would be with her. I let her lead conversations like this and merely suggest some things here and there she might not be "seeing". Mostly I LISTEN for what she's really saying - and not hearing herself. She and I are navigating this pretty well - without me feeling as though I'm "interfering" or "influencing"... and she defends her boundaries with me, without hesitation or compunction. LOL. She knows our relationship is broad enough and deep enough to sustain those slings/arrows/giant rocks... and keep right on going.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Tupp. That was very comforting.
I don't know what got into me in the middle of the night but, wow.

I hope I ride it through and realize that a whole bunch of forces are playing on me right now...Ngent's  serious deterioration (he's been in a pain crisis, I've had to hire an agency to fill in extra time but he still calls me three times on my day off and he's not yet able to move to assisted living, so most of the responsibility falls on me). And the church stuff has rattled my world.

But I feel as though I'm thinking unfairly. I wish I could adopt the lighter (no pun intended, Lighter!  ) more playful attitude toward this.

Gonna work on that. Hops dunno.

Thank you for listening to all of this...
xo
Hops

It's not unfair of you to find some of his habits irritating or his jokes offensive, Hops, it's open and realistic.  And it's definitely not unfair to be wondering about you'll be a nurse for longer than you'll be a new bride.  I think the thing is B can be a good man and have lots of good points but still just not be right for you.  Doesn't mean anything bad about you or him, it just is.  Or maybe it is just a settling in patch and once this bit settles it will be good but on a slightly deeper level.  I think the thing with new relationships is that we all put on our best behaviour but none of us can keep it up indefinitely.  So it does become more about whether someone's good enough is good enough for both.  Maybe in a few weeks you'll feel it is good enough for both of you, maybe you'll feel it isn't.  But it's not unfair of you to feel what you feel and think what you think.  That's what makes you you.  There's nothing I've read that's made me think you're being OTT or unreasonable - quite the opposite, in fact.  So no more giving yourself a hard time xx

[lighter]

Hops:

A friend once told me we had to love our mate's negative traits as much as their lovely traits.

::Blowing huge raspberry on that::.

We don't HAVE to ANYTHING, IMO.

All that's needed is enough space, respect, and comfort.... whatever your poison happens to be, to get through, hopefully with more good memories than bad.

I'm of the opinion that caring for an old man is terrifying, btw.  I don't want that either.  I don't blame you at all, esp after caring for your mother for so many years.

I am curious though..... and you may have told me.... please forgive if so.....

what is B's plan for old age?  I think you said he has insurance for his care?  You wouldn't be expected to actually hands on care for him  if he's lost in dimentia.... would you?  I remember a friend barricading herself in her bedroom as her husband became more and more violent.... removing all the kitchen cabinet doors..... he'd been a doctor with his pilot's license, his own plane and a boat he captained.  It didn't save his brain to BE that active, smart, capable.  IT just made him more difficult to deal with as his illness progressed.

BTW, you're really honing in on in your posts.  Everything you write makes sense to me.   Remember it's OK if this doesn't work out..... no matter what.... it's OK.

His putting pressure on you is perhaps jacking up anxiety levels.  Don't let him DO that to you.  Shut out that pressure... pretend it has nothing to do with you, and go about your very busy life.  You have a life. You have friends.  You have your church family, and B would have to come'round in many ways for you to be comfortable in the relationship to consider investing more in the relationship.... sounds as though it might be considerable less investment very soon. 

About the food......

IF you didn't have to work any longer.....

IF you had more time, and got busy working on your novel, and gardening.... lovely splendid gardening just the way you like it..

would planning, talking, shopping and preparing meals be less of a chore?

Would it, could it, become a shared pleasure... maybe?

I sense I know the answer, but...... he sounds pretty busy.  How much together time is he looking for?  Maybe you guys would have a routine that didn't bug you as much as you're bugged now with all the pressure?

Just look at it from every angle, then trust yourself.

I trust you: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Been awful quiet. Everyone seems really busy.

Appreciate, when you get a chance, an update on your B situation.

[Hopalong]

Ahhh thanks for asking, Amber.
I'm just trying to roll with my discernment (which is boinging around like the ADD brain).

I'm getting back in touch with his core good intentions, and that helps. But still struggling with my own irritation at personality stuff, much of which he truly can't help. More than a test of who B is, I think I'm confronting a test of who I am.

I really spelled out for him the other day how MUCH I do not want to be in charge of keeping him emotionally comfortable. He has a tendency after every encounter, alone or with others, to give me a kind of "post-mortem power point takeaway executive summary" that just irritates me no end. (I really liked this part, and then when you hugged me then, and that kiss was especially nice, and the salad was fairly good, and it was nice talking to your neighbor, and on and on and on....) He just never says, I felt happy and close and had a really good time. I'm going to get the spreadsheet rundown and I really don't like it. I feel like I'm getting a report card! I REALLY feel that way. (And told him so and he said, bless him, "I'm just being a darn engineer." It's true and not his fault, and I feel like a jerk.)

Today, he wanted to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together last night. We went to my goofy neighbor's for wine and a garden tour (she's intense but fascinating). Then we ate simply here (the man puts BUTTER on his pizza crust!) and then watched some tube. We cuddled and necked. He literally moans with pent-up passion almost any time I kiss him halfway seriously. And though he means it in the best way...maybe because I'm .... I honestly don't know .... I feel pressured. So I pull back. It's like he can't relax about anything, and his frustration and intensity are off putting even though I'm positive he doesn't want me to withdraw. Couldn't be more positive!

Overall, I am definitely feeling love and affection for him. I'm just wading through the Swamp of Recoil based on personality stuff that's nobody's fault. Hops dunno, dunno, dunno.

It is truly nice having him in my life but I feel as though he's telling me, it's never enough. I wrote this email I never sent to him but it sums it up:

I care about you, B. Much more than that. But I do feel repeated subtle pressure to ensure that you feel okay, and I think in some ways I try to avoid time with you when what I really want is to feel relaxed and mellow about our times together. Sometimes in our conversations after an encounter -- more often after anything other than being alone together -- I feel as though you're explaining how it is my responsibility to make you feel emotionally safe, even in an fairly ordinary situation. Meeting people. Going somewhere unfamiliar. Etc. Your ongoing analyses of missing gestures or something inadequate in the occasion that resulted in you feeling unsatisfied -- more time together, more intimacy than occurred, more reassurances that we are emotionally connected without pause -- leave me feeling drained.

I know retreating to email is a bad idea because it's where I go to analyse and that's anti-intimacy. Today on the phone I pretty much described the "now here is your report card for the evening" thing and I think he understood it. I just think it's so hardwired that it's exactly who he is and how he functions and I worry that I'd be in an eternal state of dreading the next "report."

Poor B. He tries hard and I'm feeling critical. Hope I snap out of this soon.

We do have an upcoming trip I'm looking forward to. Old friend, my publisher, in a gorgeous old house in my old city...then over to the shore to stay with friends of his, which I'm looking forward to.

I finally met a couple that are his friends and liked them plenty. They're joining us at a Better Angels workshop at my church later this week, which is cool of them. It's an organization that guides groups of conservatives and liberals through communication exercises aimed at defusing the intense polarization that is America right now. I was pleased they said yes!

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, I just wanted to say, there's nothing wrong with you not liking things about him.  I kind of got the sense that you feel like you shouldn't dislike these things about him?  I don't know if I've read that wrong.  Apologies if I have.  I don't think it's a test of yourself to tolerate things that you find irritating?  He can be a nice guy with good intentions and good core values and still not be a good fit for you.  Doesn't mean there's anything bad about him or wrong in anyway, or with you.  We all just have some people we click with and some we don't.  I did notice that you're empathetic to B's habits but not to your own?  The report card he gives you after a get together - that you don't like but feel like a jerk for mentioning - is kind of the same thing that you do when you write emails you don't send - which you say is a bad thing, but from my point of view, what you're doing is working through what's in your head in private, rather than loading it on to him for him to deal with.  He doesn't seem to be doing the same thing for you.

I think what I'm mostly trying to say - and it's meant in a kind way, not a critical way - is that I feel like I'm hearing ways of how you feel you should be accommodating things about him that you find irritating.  But there's nothing wrong with feeling irritated, Hops, or finding things that people do irritating.  He can be a good man with annoying traits.  It's not a sign of anything bad in either one of you - it's just people and honesty (and you being honest with yourself, which I think is most important).

I think you passed the test of who you are a long time ago, Hops.  Intelligent, compassionate, emotionally astute, resourceful, honest, hard working, etc.  You don't need to add "never finds anything annoying" to the list.  It's alright to feel annoyed, and if it gets to the point where you feel tense rather than relaxed when you're with him then it's alright to take a break and give yourself some space xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I guess we're allowed to be set in our ways too Hops.

He can be allowed to give his spreadsheet analysis of your time spent together - AND - Hops can be totally annoyed that he's shifted into intellectualizing it - rather than just savoring the experience. Once you both can see where you are in that "dance"... then you can look for ways to be different, see it differently, maybe signal the other that NOW is not a good time for that?

But that doesn't sound very relaxed & comfortable. For either of you.

I don't have any helpful ideas here. I feel OK being myself around the viking... as we're still online... because he's putting in 12-16 hr days at work on the computer and I'm doing good to hear from him once a week. I just don't think it's going to even "launch". I'm too conflicted about wanting connection and not wanting to risk getting into another relationship where I'm dominated. And have to do all the heavy lifting - and change - to make the relationship work. I'm not seeing anything in his weekly messages that makes me think he's even interested. He's being nice - and just chatting like a normal person would... but I get the sense there's no room in his life for caring about someone else.

And there's not exactly any other fish in the lake I'm fishing in that turn me on and flip my "play" switch.

One of the big brothers suggested that I simply stop all this "online shopping" and meditate on the space to be filled. I'm beginning to think that has just as much chance of success as anything else right now.

[lighter]

Hops:

Learning to be ok around challenging people IS big therapy, IME.  We don't grow through calm happy times.  We grow through discomfort.  You have a productive attitude about , IMO.  Learning more about yourself.... whatever happens with B.  Yes.

I wonder what it would feel like to calmly speak about something before we're annoyed....to say something circumventing.....without the angst.

When you do bring up the difficult topics with B....is there angst?

I'm pretty sharp around setting boundaries lately.  Then I feel....
bad.

Shame that I wasn't kind, maybe.  I realize I don't always have to be kind, but I grapple with myself over it.  What I think happens us I wait too long which builds up resentments and pressure, then POP.  I snap or shhhh someone, sans patience.

I look forward to speaking up proactively, and feeling perfectly entitled to....sans angst.

This is an excercise in finding more control over my emotions by excercising less control over them.....less stuffing, more just letting them be without "handling" them maybe.

I'm sorry you and B haven't found your stride, Hops.  You are right about learning about yourself through these experiences times, IME.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Lighter, for the general nudge to not let things pile up before speaking of them...calmly, without angst.

That's exactly what healthy, ongoing assertiveness looks like and I need to practice it much more consistently.

I think what happens is I can slip into ruminating about these qualities of Bs, on my own time, and rumination is always unproductive. Clarity, speech and appropriate action are productive.

I do struggle with determining when I'm being critical of him for something he can't do anything about. Like his OCDish side, and some of his communication habits. I'm not sure he could change these even if he wanted to. So I have to challenge myself about the irritation or anxiety that comes up....

Working on it. Thanks again.

xo
Hops

[Hopalong]

Having a bit of a blue day, but that's common with me in spring. (Bizarre sub-variant of SAD, when instead of being stimulated by the renewed sunshine and warmth, I feel like going to bed for two weeks. The sedentary, hiding response is beginning to threaten my health, so I am feeling quite concerned about it.)

The other thing is a concern that even if I get better at in-the-moment assertiveness, what's really bothering me about B is just personality stuff that's probably VERY hard wired, and nothing B can help.

Today I tried being quite emotionally open with him when he asked about Easter. I explained that it's a tough holiday for me because I have a host of loving memories, including a peak joyous one, about my D connected to Easter. I went into enough detail that it'd be hard not to be affected, imo, if anyone had shared that with me. And his voice didn't vary an iota. It wasn't cold/forceful Executive, but it was still Executive. He said in the exact same chipper tone as when he first said hello and chatted about his morning, "Thanks for sharing that with me! I understand!" And it sounded so disengaged that I didn't hear any empathy at all.

I actually pressed the point a little. I said, you know, when I just explained how I was feeling and you said you understood, I didn't really hear a feeling coming through. He explained very very logically, oh no, I understood the nice memory, what a great story about you giving her that whole new room on Easter. And I said, I mean about the pain. And he said, oh no I understood the good side and the bad side. Sometimes I don't feel good in my relationship with my daughter. (I internally gave up at that point. He sees his D weekly and his grand-Ds always visit.)

Small necessary detour here. The classic conundrum of men wanting to fix things/offer solutions versus women just wanting to be heard, or feel sympathized with. That is true. But with B, it's on steroids. He has a compulsion to fix that actually makes a lot of our exchanges very shallow. Like, if I say I'm struggling with motivation to exercise, he goes, "You know, they say it's a good idea to take a walk after dinner." Or I mention bad sleep. "Have you tried going to bed earlier?" Some incredibly simplistic, obvious piece of "fix it" that any person over 21 has known (the factoid or exceedingly basic advice) for an entire adult life (much less a life as a health researcher/writer). It's just so shallow and reflexive and it means nothing, except that he has scratched his itch to advise and so he's done. No empathy, I think, is what's getting to me. Or if it's there, I'm not perceiving it. He's cheerful when I make him feel happy. Full stop.

So. He ends the call when I --as I do very rarely-- told him something real and deep and detailed about my loss of my D. He ends it with, "Well, one of these days we can do something about contacting your daughter."

I was offended. Can't help it. It was SO clueless and said to me....B has not taken in, understood, or really listened to anything I've told him about the estrangement. And his simplistic fix-it, as though now that HE is offering to manage this...just pissed me off. To me, this is where the executive fix it reflex which is SO powerful in him, becomes a test for me. I don't know if I can stand it long term. And I don't entirely blame him for it, he honestly seems incapable of anything different. So far anyway.

I just said, "No. This is not something you can fix." And left it at that. But it left me doubting the whole thing. I know, it's a theme that I reel with doubt. We'll undoubtedly have a very nice evening and soon I'll be back to enjoying the simple sensation of having someone in my life to wants to be there.

Thanks for reading this--I just needed to dump it somewhere. Love you guys.

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Still listening, Hops.
Suggest you start calling him "Spock"... but then, I'm in one of "those" moods again. LOL.