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Heist on Something....

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lighter:
Hi Hops:

I believe B sends you those stupid chain e mails with the same title someone else perhaps sent him?  DOES he think you'll be delighted.... really?

If so, what does that mean?  I forget, but did you ask him to take your off his offensive joke mailing list?   That should remind him you aren't interested, and have a problem with them, in fact.

About the head injury stuff.... he's a guy who likes high impact American sports.  There are lots of them out there.  He'll likely never be someone who gives up his long time love of them.  He'll never advocate for them to be abolished.  He's not that guy.

What he is is..... a guy who likes or loves you very much, and wants you to BE that person in his life, despite his feelings about it.  He's OK with your views, or so it seems.

He doesn't have to be like you, hold your views or work alongside you, at least not at this time in our lives, IME... you aren't raising children together.

You're support, and he's support.  You're companions.  You're there for each other, in your own ways, and maybe for the rest of your lives.  Maybe for a shorter while.

I think you're thinking about this too hard. You don't have to marry the guy this month.  You don't have to do anything, and doesn't realizing that take some pressure off?  There should be zero pressure right now, IMO.  This should be fun.  This should be a curious time with you paying attention.... noticing what comes up.

I think you're doing that very well, btw.  It's just.....

you don't have to figure out what it means yet, IMO.

You're still gathering information, (and having fun I hope.)

Play with asserting yourself,  making your views known, discussing important things with him without much editing yourself.

Pay attention to how you feel, how he responds, what comes of it... what changes, if anything.

You may be right.... he may not be the one. 

Then  again, he might be, even though he's different in so man ways.  I wonder if he could get on board with something you really care about... if that would make a difference for you.  Just one thing.

In the meantime... what's right about him and the relationship?  What's good?

Lighter



 

 

Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I've actually wondered whether there's something cognitively wrong, too, which would not be his fault nor anything I'd ever for a second blame him for if it's so. But I've noticed some blankness, inability to find words, and one odd moment when we were on our cell phones, he had to go fetch something, and he comes back and picks up his house phone and I hear him talking into it...hello hello? He didn't remember which phone he was on. I'm not judging this but it's scary, as his Dad had Alzheimer's. Saintly or Cinderella-y as I may be (or not) I know I could not take that on intentionally. Would care-give of course if we were married but would not take that on if I could see it coming prior to that. What's going on with the 93 y/o I work for is very draining. I'm sad for him but his nastiness escalates along with his physical troubles (it reminds me of my decade with Nmom). So I'm pretty alert to worrisome signs with B.

There's also maybe some passive-aggressive stuff going on that I don't understand. Maybe he's going through the switch himself, as he's been more withdrawn lately. I asked him if he'd ever been formally diagnosed with anxiety or depression and he said he's on an SSRI and OCD "had been mentioned." He seems to be going through a big mood dip. So maybe we're on the same page about not being right for each other. We'll see.

He's also talked about future housing again and I guess that's bothering me too. Maybe I should just stay in my little house which I love... dunno. I'm sure my perspective's a little off this week also because my church is going through a huge controversy with people leaving and that's depressing me. (Only family and it's in jeopardy.)

I'm a humorless prude maybe, but the joke stuff does disturb me. Lighter, you asked if he was writing those intros about how I'd be laughing out loud, etc. He wrote those personally to me. I'm not on a group email, he's taken the trouble to select one and forward it to me separately. I believe he genuinely does find ugly stuff funny because he disregards (or misses) the sexist stereotyping and focuses on the juvenile punchline. Whereas I'm so grossed out by the racist or sexist stereotype that whatever's "clever" about the punchline is meaningless to me, even though I get that it's supposedly funny.

I guess it just feels so weird that he doesn't understand that about me. I sense him struggle to connect with me intellectually. He's very smart in the engineer way but perhaps just not able to get what I think about, even when I've told him what I think about. His joke sending is clearly a form of reaching out. I think he just doesn't know what to say a lot, so our conversations can be extremely labored. If my energy's up I'm really chatty and he seems to enjoy that a lot, but he really has very little to say. If I say something about a tough thing at work or at church or in a friend's life, he instantly advises. Every single time. And his advice is usually superficial and labored and though it's a classic "man wants to fix things" I do feel irritated. It's just not much fun talking to him these days. The connection is very loose, unfortunately.

And maybe he's struggling with depression plus possibly signs of dementia. I feel badly for him but am worried that it's more than I can deal with.

As to the boxing thing, you're right, Lighter. He's not that guy. Funny, but boxing and wrestling were huge turnoffs about my first husband and I never got past his lack of empathy for the humans in the ring. It's similar to B "loaning back" his designer dog for breeding. To many people that's a perfectly fine practice since the dog's experience just isn't relevant. Or, the notion of having empathy for an animal (livestock) isn't a big deal. I understand. It's just the kind of difference between us that does matter.

Houses, golf, travel preferences don't matter much. Even the food obsessions (and the woman should do it) don't matter that much. But the sexism/racism blankness -- not seeing it or not caring about it, the difference is moot -- and the tolerance for violence and others' pain, do matter.

He got really agitated on the phone one morning and told me he was "upset" about a call we'd had (he caught me with my hot dinner waiting so I was fairly direct about needing to be quick) and he'd gone on and on about his wife's recipe collection and could we go through it together and pick out recipes to make and what could we do because I don't eat meat...and he was obsessed with the subject. I've told him over and over I don't want to make cooking a big focus because I just don't want to spend a lot of time planning and talking days ahead and generally about what we'll eat days from now. That was his wife's biggest role in his life it seems and he can't adapt to the change without real emotional distress. It seems like a deep, deep issue for him and though I sympathize I do not want to be responsible for comforting him in this way. It's not how I express myself, it's just a chore. A big one I'm not relaxed about myself. I want healthful, simple, nutritious. I don't have enough time to write my novel or garden and I still work. He's retired but spends hours and hours poring over papers in his office (with an assistant twice a week). I'm not retired, so if food's that critical then...he can do food. Or more of food.

I just may not want this as badly as I thought. Or, it may be that we have so very very little in common that now that we're in month #4, other things are getting in the way. The chemistry is failing for me too.

It's not B's fault. I'm picking away at him above...I do see it. I think what that's all about is either me freaking out over future fears of being trapped with him in a house while he deteriorates and it's caregiving 2.0 without shared joys, and me facing some real incompatibilities I've tried to gloss over or ski around prior to this point.

We were both so lonely when we met that I think we've had some real momentum toward dismissing or downplaying some really big differences. People always say partnerships are happier when two people have a lot in common. B and I have very very little in common, except the desire not to be alone....

Maybe this is just a switch moment as you point out, Tupp. I'll try to just ride this "flight urge" through again, and see if we weather it.

Or Amber, your last point might be the truth I'm avoiding. The differences ARE too big for long-term happiness.

If I get to a point of realizing I just don't want to risk it all with him, I won't be sorry for a moment that we tried. It's been overall a good experience, truly.

Grumpy insomniac here...bear with me.

Love
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hopsie, it might even be that in the grand scheme of things you and B are each other's stepping stone to the next person.  Sometimes that happens, you meet someone, get to know them, get a clearer idea of what you do and don't want and then meet someone more like that the next time along.

In all honesty I would also be very alert to signs of health problem in people - I think when you've done so much caring, as you have, and have seen how soul destroying and isolating it can be, it can make you more finely tuned to it and there's nothing in the world wrong with not wanting to become someone else's nurse (married or not).  And I don't think you're a humourless prude; personally I have never understood why there are men who think women would find sexist jokes funny and I hate white people assuming I'll find their racist jokes funny because I'm white really offensive (and I laugh very easily at all sorts of things - even farting :) ).

It's not a bad thing if this turns out not to be your thing, Hops.  You might feel differently in a few weeks and be keen on the idea again.  You might decide it's definitely a no and stop seeing him.  You might find you both feel a relationship isn't on the cards but the odd dinner date or phone chat might be.  I don't think you need to give yourself a hard time.  It will be what it is.  Maybe just see how things go for a while.  Maybe you need a couple of weeks of not seeing him to gain a bit of perspective.  But you know what, I have absolute faith that you will figure out what you're doing and do what's right for you - and that you'll do it calmly, graciously and in a way that always leaves a door open, whichever way you end up going.  You're doing an amazing job :) xx

Hopalong:
Thank you, Tupp. That was very comforting.
I don't know what got into me in the middle of the night but, wow.

I hope I ride it through and realize that a whole bunch of forces are playing on me right now...Ngent's  serious deterioration (he's been in a pain crisis, I've had to hire an agency to fill in extra time but he still calls me three times on my day off and he's not yet able to move to assisted living, so most of the responsibility falls on me). And the church stuff has rattled my world.

But I feel as though I'm thinking unfairly. I wish I could adopt the lighter (no pun intended, Lighter!  :lol:) more playful attitude toward this.

Gonna work on that. Hops dunno.

Thank you for listening to all of this...
xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops dear... I agree with Lighter that you're putting too much pressure on yourself. But you're clearly not having fun... because "possibilities" or not... his insensitivity to your strong dislikes irritates the crap out of you. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET IT IRRITATE YOU and even generate the questioning about the potential "future".

BTW, something else is coming up from what you wrote. About "connection"... and how that induces "chemistry". I don't know where I'm going with that right now... and have to put my "doing" shoes on again... but one thing I know off the top of my head, is that if there isn't enough "connection" between you, it's much harder to tolerate those differences between people. Like Mike's "collecting" gene... even though it was a constant low-level irritant that sometimes erupted into "end of the world divorce matches" (LOL)... I did learn to tolerate it BECAUSE I was sure enough of our connection to know he really couldn't help it. It was "who" he was. So I accepted it - no matter how much it made me crazy. (And I'm kinda exploring that connection thing with the Viking... we pleasant enough with each other... but the connection seems entirely in my own mind - and still just "potential". Dunno if I'm patient enough to hang around and see if one develops.)

Also, am "rehersing" for girls weekend... Holly sounds close to making some decisions and apart from connection, one of the things she's struggling with... is that Matt gets to make the "rules", what she wants doesn't seem important enough for him to give her, and she's feeling really badly about even wanting/needing them... as if she's too demanding, needy or selfish. Y'all know how I would "read" that... given my extensive experience with passive-aggressiveness. She's been trying to drag Matt into being a responsible adult - and living that way. He'll be 40 this year and I agree with her assessment of how his "priorities" are ranked right now - both for himself, and them together. He's really fighting turning into an adult - and leans on her too much (and then gripes she's trying to control him) for the basics - like finances. I'm being way more assertive about my point of view, here... than I would be with her. I let her lead conversations like this and merely suggest some things here and there she might not be "seeing". Mostly I LISTEN for what she's really saying - and not hearing herself. She and I are navigating this pretty well - without me feeling as though I'm "interfering" or "influencing"... and she defends her boundaries with me, without hesitation or compunction. LOL. She knows our relationship is broad enough and deep enough to sustain those slings/arrows/giant rocks... and keep right on going.

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