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Heist on Something....

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sKePTiKal:
Good one Hops!

Hopalong:
My T and I stared at each other and said, "compatibility." Talking about B. There are ... things.

Two examples.

He's met 10 of my friends. Out of town important friends the first night they were here. I've met four of his friends: two married couples. So he tells me last week that 3 of his closest friends from the Academy (we're talking college days!) are coming and spending two nights and days (golf) with him. I think yay! Meeting guys he's known for so long! I ask. He demurs. Doesn't explain why. Finally he indicates that I would meet his friends "if they had their wives with them."

IOW, though I could easily come out for an hour to just say hello and enjoy a brew with them...I'm not welcome. I'm sorry but since they're all 73, my chances of meeting important old pals of his may be few.... and I loathe his explanation. Thing is, I understand that this may be his comfort zone but...I do not care. It's a sexist zone and makes me feel less than.

Next. He has one driven, ambitious, successful, remarkable grand-D who's very like him in that and finished college in 3 years. Her sister (last year of HS) is still home, during a period when her parents have separated and reunited, etc. Her Dad has PTSD. Her mom (as B's old neighbor told me anyway) is big on "tough love." So. They all come out to his area for dinner Saturday (I'm not included because B is "feeling awkward" around his family). Okay, I can see that's a pretty sensitive area and needs to be timed comfortably. Five months might be too soon.

But. He tells me about how his 2nd grandD (after describing the Marvellous Grand-D #1 at length). He goes, well she comes in and gives me a big smile and a big hug, but then she goes quiet. I ask her, "How's school? Are you having fun?" and she's got nothing to say. It irritates me." I ponder this later and realize, I TOTALLY identify with her. It's his poking to smile, to act cheerful whether you're feeling that way or not, and having a social script. I can imagine: "Yeah Grandpa! School's great! I'm really happy right now! Looky, see me smile!" He'd be totally happy with her faking it, Stepford style.

Grrrrr. I don't doubt for a second that he loves his "lesser" grand-D. But I can instantly imagine what it's like to be under his dominating, insistent scrutiny.

So on sexism grounds (can't meet his "unwived" friends and my feelings about his attitude toward his grand-D #2) ... I'm feeling sour about our chances today.

Not a decision moment, just observation, reflection, etc. And that's why I'm going so slowly....

xxoo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
uhhhhh.... this raises my hackles Hops.

Relationships are living things. Or at least in my experience they are. One person doesn't get to tell others how to behave, in order to please him or her. You enjoy the person for who they are; they SEE YOU... and allow you to see them. Hence, trust & intimacy. That waxes & wanes, granted.

I'm not talking about feminism or any of that way of defining male/female interactions.

It's being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes, and understand their being. Knowing that you aren't the end all be all "authority" on how anything is supposed to be... and then taking that leap of faith to "see what happens". Because affection means you see them for who they are; you enjoy them and being with them... not for what they can supply you, or how well they are "trainable" to pleasing you.

There are different reasons why people aren't capable of doing that in deeper relationships than the casual friendships, where a transactional interaction (I do this for you; you do this for me) is more reasonable.  I don't have to spell those out to you.

I think I mentioned that after Mike, I've set a pretty high standard for some guy to meet, if we're going to be involved past the "dating" stage or initial getting to know you stage. I won't accept anything less than another human being who isn't looking to possess me, or make into something I'm NOT. I worked too damn hard to get where I am now... and if that seems to need "adjusting"... well, then, he's looking for someone who's not me.

I refuse to believe that men like that are all that rare.

Hopalong:
Yeah. Thanks, Amber.

I don't intend to demonize him and my hackles give me a headache if they stay up.

But still. The truth is his self-focused scripts and stuff, no matter what explains them, just wear me out. So on a simply practical level, I'm asking myself -- given how often this stuff happens, do I really want to continue down a path to a permanent commitment with someone who, intentionally or not, would just by being himself, wear me out?

I don't think so.

I'm holding back until we see the couples-T on Tuesday. But unless we experience a big turnaround then, I'm thinking that deep inside I know the answer.

Don't mean to give y'all whiplash in case I come back all smiles from another "good talk." That's possible, but this is where I am today.

Eternal thanks for putting up with it.

xxoo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
No doubt, reading your description triggers my own experience dataset. So my response is based on viewing things from that lens. I also heard similar from Holly just the night before. Her job on this current production ends in a week or so... and she was approached about taking another in DC. It's different work, and only temporary - 6 weeks or so. But it became an issue, because Matt said she never asked him how HE FELT about her taking this job. (And he's recently taken one that he didn't discuss or feel he needed to "ask permission" to accept... so....)

There are lots of explanations that exist outside of my own limited experience. So, I make no claims to it being accurate. But I really do have an issue with people who act as though other people exist only to serve their needs and be what they want them to be. No matter how pleasantlly that request or demand is delivered. I'm more likely to not resist if it's a sincere request based on caring about ME... than if it's merely: I don't like you this way.

Some relationships I believe, must have the space and security built into the structure to allow each participant the room to BE, and react and change/grow... and go through difficult things, without risking the existence of the relationship. Is that naive? Idealistic? Possibly.

But where there is enough of that then, it's way easier to live with the daily irritations that are simply a fact of life. For both people.

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