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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Yes and yes. Thanks again.
Btw, my "yeah" was me making a depressed noise...not being dismissive of your post. Which was excellent. (Just in case...since we're here with little black squiggles and no eye contact, drat it!).

I didn't think your response was disproportionate at all, and your latest Matt tale is a perfect fit with the way I think B usually reacts. I must give B credit for effort because in a lot of situations, once I've explained something, he alters his behavior somewhat. But we all have built-in limits.

I think it was the grand-D story that really stuck a pin in me. I feel so badly for her, a child I've never met, and could instantly recognize the prodding and lack of empathy and irritable judgement from B.

My poet pal told me that at dinner last weekend, she watched micro-expressions of disapproval flicker over B's face. When her bf made a comment about something B didn't agree with, she said she was watching him closely. I found that interesting. And I trust her perceptiveness.

Oh well. I hope I've over-judged or perhaps over-reacted to all this. And maybe there will be a breakthrough in counseling. But I have a feeling it's just me coming out of a wishful daydream.

And...your comment about "space" got me thinking. I hope I'm not being selfish myself, as in not giving B enough space w/in "us" to figure out what hurts people he's close to. Or what hurts me. I think him making clear I wasn't welcome with both his family and three old friends in the same week kind of got to me. But maybe it isn't all about me either. I dunno.

I do think any person in a new-ish relationship (especially when I was trying to break up with him a month ago and we're now in counseling to figure out whether to be together)...would have every right to insulate their family from having hopes about someone new in his life. Likewise, maybe he has the same feeling about these old friends. But he didn't have it about his close friends on the Shore that we stayed with for two days/nights, which is inconsistent. Both of them made it super clear how much they liked me, which seemed to please him. In hindsight, maybe that's because it was okay to visit them because there was "a wife" for me to spend time with. I did and enjoyed her company. But it hadn't dawned on me until this thing with the Academy pals that he thinks that way. Socially, a woman has to be in the women pen, then she can be around. (Busted, but that's how I took it...)

I remember one night at dinner there when there was just a general lively conversation about all sorts of things and I was knowledgeable about a few of them. B looks over the table and says, I had no idea you knew so much about so many things. You've impressed me! The latter just somehow felt weird to me. As though an invisible word was "you've actually impressed me!"

I dunno. Maybe this is an Nspot of my own. The truth is, the way I felt about his compliment was not complimented. I just felt, ummm, do we need to alert the media that the woman you've been with for five months is demonstrating intelligence or being informed? And...(evil)...do I care that you're IMPRESSED? I felt as though he was Mr. Big patting me on the head, exec style.

But on the other hand I feel like I am an offended porcupine and that is ego or Nworse. So I worry.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
I'm drained.
Broke up with B.

Just couldn't face our next date in a few days w/o telling him how I feel, and realized once I was telling him that I really do believe it: the differences in worldview (especially in people-view) are Just Too Big.

It was a gentle, sad, painful conversation, in which neither of us blamed the other. I am grateful.

But drained....
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I could pontificate some more about my thoughts on relationships... and I probably will, but not right now.

Big hugs for now. Talk it out some. I know it's probably still all rolling around in your head. I don't think your ego/possible n-spots were at all at play here. It just felt wrong to you, to try to be what B was saying he wanted you to be... as if that's supposed to be the ticket into a relationship and all your dreams will come true... "if only" you could stop being you and be his version of you, instead. What you would be, if you met all his criteria, when, where and how he "requested" you be. All the time.

To me, that's a "not good enough as you are" message.

And I don't think any of us would think that "felt right".

Hopalong:
Thanks so very much, Amber.
It means a lot to let it rip here, truth.

I feel sad because B feels sad and I still love the well-intentioned, striving, try-so-hard guy. He really isn't a jerk. I think he just has such a deeply, deeply wired attitude of "I am the leader" that he doesn't catch on to how that in close relationships, especially with females or at least this fearful/feisty one, acting like the general isn't the positive the very same behavior was in athletics, the Air Force, or the Pentagon or the executive suite.

I think that's it. He has his inner limitations on controlling that part of himself, and it's partly because he's a victim of his own success. He threw himself into being successful (by acquiring power and leadership roles and leaping into serving with all his heart whatever noble organization he was steeped in) from boyhood on, and when women and girls around him become unhappy, he can't connect the dots. I know he suffers over this. And I don't blame him, it makes perfect sense.

So we have the good-hearted dominating general, and the over-sensitive poet feminist who can't help feeling hurt and we're just...not a mix. Not for the long haul, I think. And it's sad we can't because we both were lonely and we both tried very hard to build a bridge we could live on.

I miss him. His snuggly sweet domestic side that my pooch knows is just the nicest Pillsbury Doughboy.

But ... Patton keeps popping up and running the tanks over feelings. Not even on purpose, just his nature. And I don't seem capable of changing my nature either. Sensitive + resistant. Ooof.

 :(

Hops

Hopalong:
I'm feeling better.

At peace and relieved.

Very sad I have made B sad.
Sent him a message that if it'd help at all
for closure, glad to meet once more with the T.

But I don't expect him to take me up on it.

I just felt a whole lot of tension ebb away.

And my irises are going absolutely nuts out
front, really beautiful.

This was a very good experiment with B and I'm
glad we went for it. I have learned a lot and feel
grateful, not bitter. We're just not the right fit.

Thanks everybody, for holding my hand during this
very long thread!

love,
Hops

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