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Heist on Something....

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sKePTiKal:
Oh GOOD Hops!!

You CAN talk this stuff out. Very very good. He's going to bring what Mike & I called, his own "baggage" about behavior in relationships... things he fears, bad habits, etc. Just like you have yours. Having a process for getting to an understanding about where and how touchy each other's "sore places" are... and what works to soothe them... is a healthy way to go about this.

Sometimes, when Mike would resort to various defense mechanisms, I'd remind him he was confusing me with some "other" wife. Or when he was deliberately treading into a place I'd put a boundary... I'd call him by Ex#2's name. This was our "code" that we could use anywhere any time, to communicate about a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Usually, that was all that was needed to resolve the problem & move on. Once in a while, it was big enough to talk about privately later.

So excellent that you've quickly gotten your balance back to center. I know that took years of practice, but I bow to you.... sensei. LOL.

I'm intrigued that his way of dealing with the acute pain of loneliness, is to move forward with all due speed to another relationship. Lots to ponder there, for me, since I still feel "involved" in a relationship with Mike - emotionally. It's him specifically I long for and there can be no substitute or replacement or new connection. Maybe that's just my self-limitation; a mental construct built around a bunch of complex feelings that I'm not ready to address directly.

Then, there is the experience of total freedom that balances the lonely times. No new guy to "housebreak" -- or train to understand my idiosyncrasies, and the long sagas by way of explanation about why I am, what I am. I do think, that I will eventually get involved in another relationship and the "definition" of what kind of relationship it is, is going to get thrown to the wind. No expectations or strings attached. That might a tad unusual for the traditional "guy's guy" I think I'm leaning toward to deal with.

HUH. More stuff to think about over the dreary winter months.

Hopalong:
Thanks, hon. I hear you about how striking his hurry is. I find it startling too. I do hear a lot that widowers can remarry at a blistering pace that often bewilders their children. Not sure completely why that is but it seems it's so.

My T said the suicide rate for men in their 70s is very high. (Or maybe he said widowed men.) Whereas most widows get through it and forge meaningful new lives (often because of their capacity for friendship and community building), for men of his generation it's way harder. Raised macho with a taciturn father, served in Air Force, worked in business including government contracts, etc. -- not a warm, fuzzy, learn about feelings kind of life. Pretty competitive, I think.

And though there were serious problems with his wife (anorexia + alcoholism) he clearly loved her and she must have been devoted (even apart from gourmet cooking!). He just seems completely lost without a woman in his life. She must've been his anchor in ways he didn't even consciously recognize, so now he's spinning.

I feel compassion for his state of mind and at the same time, a little wary about how much heavy lifting there'll be because he's had so very little relationship experience. I'm interested in being a supportive and loving companion to someone but not eager to be a FT soother. Still, he's been receptive, willing to talk it all through. We both acknowledged during that call yesterday how much hard work it is. I'm glad we have, because there's no glossing over it. As long as respect and communication stay intact, we might go the distance. But Hops dunno....

Jury will be out for a long time and the judge needs a nap. But not without saying, I believe you'll wind up with a new partner too. It's so good that you respect the grieving/healing process and aren't forcing yourself to take a new shape before you're ready.

Maybe the mountain place is in itself in some mysterious way, the new shape you're taking.

Hugs
Hops

Hopalong:
Huh.
When we talked today, he mentioned that my observation about him seeming/feeling "angry" was partly true. Mostly disappointment at not getting more time with me (when I declined to invite him in) but there was some anger in it too.

All this in a gentle tone, after saying "Truthfully, it'd be hard for anyone to stay angry at you" or some such flattery.

I didn't probe because it's exhausting to talk heavy stuff all the time. But something I would love some feedback here about is...that. Anger? ANGER?

To me the fact that he felt it, even some, is quite concerning. I'll be spending time with him tomorrow and hope I know how to ask him more about this. I've seen no signs of "temper" (or that was the first) ... but I am allergic to anger, especially when it seems entitled or unjustified or whatever.

If he can feel anger because of a transient disappointment after a short period of dating...does that say something really bad about what a LTR (long term relationship) could turn into?

What do y'all think? I am absolutely unwilling to live with unchecked or unexamined anger. So, how do I ask him to examine this? Is it even worth it to take on a former CEO-type (not exactly the CEO but a similar level of achievement) who doesn't already know that's off?

His other sin today. He mentioned his "girl assistant." I asked how old she is. Fifty. Sighhhh....
Still enjoying the possibilities, but wondering if he and I are from different solar systems.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hopsy. Been a good Amazons weekend here. Real life, in person friends. Helping each other. Rolling with changes, because of age.

Thank you, for the "vision" of what could be. I can trust that, even if I know what the probability is. LOL. A girl can still dream.  ;)

Essentially, y'all need to talk essentials. The anger may NOT be essential; it might be ephemeral - ego-based. He MIGHT could admit to that. You'll only know if you talk it through.

Breathe kiddo. Don't put yourself - or B - through a microscope, OK? Generalizations are exactly that, and may not apply in any specific circumstance. Trust yourself - and blow off our worries & concerns if you feel SURE. There shouldn't be any doubt, if you're sure.

If there's some doubt, just take it step by step and discern and JUDGE according to what you know you want - ultimately. In this case, go slowly and don't be afraid to slow things down according to your needs.

[I have some issues with someone rushing to a relationship to avoid "loneliness" on his part... without a real solid connection and mutual trust. And from what you're saying, I'm seeing that connection not being real solid yet. Maybe it will be in a bit. But if I were you, I would dig in my heels and refuse to be rushed. God knows, guys think I'm "difficult".]

Hopalong:
I hear you, Amber, and thank you.

"Difficult" = "I don't want you to be the way you are, I want you to be the way I want you to be..."

Gonna take a lot of maturity all around (for you and your future someone, ditto me and B or anyone else).

I think the flip side of recognizing I REALLY AM on my own side, is facing (again) the equal possibility that a solitary and uncertain old age still looms. But who knows? If I wind up choosing not to move forward with B because I sense both a prod at my back and possibly a gilded cage ... I might thank the universe for an experience that has made me stronger and more rooted in my own life.

Or, if he surprises me with insight and eagerness to understand and challenge himself (not just wait for me to do all that work) ... then going forward could be joyous.

Sloooow joy. That's what I'd look forward to.

Happy everything,
Hops

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