End of the Road Farm

[lighter]

Amber:

I try to remember there are lovely people in this world.  Allowing the sociopaths, and opportunistic predators to cut us off from contact, or potential contact, with good people isn't tenable either.   As with all difficult truths, this one goes in and out of focus too.

I see your recent experience this way.....

you did your homework, saw crazy coming, and crossed the street.

That's a big part of healthy boundaries, IME.  Not allowing them to get away with the first nutsy rocksy koo crazy thing.  I'd for certain report the guy as a fraud, and perhaps worse.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Not going to let it stop me. I signed for a session of e-harmony too. take that bad-guys.

As for reporting him, that isn't going to happen unless he persists in trying to contact me. Who knows why people feel so badly about themselves that they have to pretend to be someone else? He might NOT have been targeting me. So he gets this one chance.

But I really don't have a lot of time - and I'm not getting a LOT to go on from the brief "profiles" of these people. I need to just talk and get to know them. But that doesn't seem to be an experience that any of the sites encourage.

It is possible online! Look at us! And I've been able to create my small, close groups of friends in lots of other forums, too. Even the big rowdy ones. Back when all this technology was just starting to get used in education, I preferred discussion forums to chat. Of course, chat was pretty glitchy back then. There is one chat I visit from time to time; I used to be more regular right after Mike got sick and after he died. About 5-6 "regulars" would get together and just talk. It HELPED so much in the evenings, when couples normally end their day talking together.

Maybe the difference is the "group" experience versus taking that first step at a "private" conversation. It's a much lower bar to just talk and be yourself in a group situation, and you get a sense of who people are and how you interact... without that pressure of one on one.

[sKePTiKal]

Back to work - slowly, clumsily, but getting there.

I got a metal cabinet yesterday, which fits in an alcove next to my woodstove, on the tile I laid. This is one domino - next, is to unload the boxes of first aid stuff I keep on hand, in there. THEN, I can have someone give me an estimate on replacing the flooring.

College Hunks coming to take away the old hot tub tomorrow. YAY. I think I'm building a summer kitchen in that location. Still working on that idea.

The replacement piece for the entertainment center that got damaged will be here next week. Then I can work on spreading my ticky-tacky decorative clutter around so no one place looks "over full".

As soon as I find one of my two staplers and staples, I can start work on the insulation any time now.

I have 4 shelves to build in the garden barn, then I can start transferring the big equipment and the smaller stuff that will live on those shelves (for now). Still need workbenches out there and when the electrician comes to hang my chandeliers (maybe next week?? he hasn't called back yet) I'll have him explain what all I need to have ready for him to connect the building to power, for lights and outlets.

THEN, I can finally have the room in the other garage to start sorting out the last stack of Mikey gear, that will (I hope) get sold at auction.

That's the extent of my to-do list for now. Still have stuff to do organizing the studio too. And stuff to purge... and the bunkroom to "edit".

After checking the long-range weather report, I'll get in touch with Ronnie's brother about plowing/terracing my garden area and working on the road.

I need better wood storage, too.

Today, for some odd reason I was hungry this morning. Then I drug my feet a little more and now it's lunch time... LOL.

And that's ALL I'm going to do. This was all stuff that needed doing last year and I didn't move fast enough. There are new "chores" on the list starting this summer... to get ready for next winter.

[sKePTiKal]

The part of online dating that requires keeping myself safe... I've got covered. I'm confident I can navigate that aspect of the situation JUST FINE. What scared the crap outta me, and made me angry at myself, was the automatic emotional reflex to hope, be pleased that someone would pay attention to me, and made the effort - EVEN (now that I think of it) - even if it was all made up. It was the space of an inhale... before I was totally tizzified and allowed myself to feel that rush of excitement. And HOPE.

I know that makes me human. And therefore is a good thing. But I also judge it to be very dangerous, opening up vulnerability to being completely manipulated and taken advantage of. If it held off until I was more sure of being able trust someone else... it wouldn't seem as dangerous.

Like so many other things about myself, that I judge myself severely on... I can't exactly pinpoint any actual times that I let my heart rule my head to that extent. It's never happened (and I don't count my high school crush that walked away from me so abruptly and cruelly; he is a master manipulator as an adult). So, after a couple days of just facing this experience and accepting it what I think is...

I'm judging myself so criticly because of the experience of my parent's not protecting me. I trusted them, and got attacked anyway. INDIRECTLY, they set up the environment and moving pieces that made the attack possible. They can in no way be held responsible DIRECTLY for that attack. Even more so, can I not blame 12 yr old Twiggy... ie, my SELF... and that residual fear about trust, emotion, enmeshment, and getting blindsided... is all rational to me, in the emotional "language" of feelings.

So, I don't really need to be afraid of that emotional reflex. It can "be"... and still be tempered by sensible precaution and self-protection and boundaries. I do think I'll change my profiles though. I want to dissuade anyone who is flat out stating up front that they're looking for marriage only. There are a whole lot more relationship steps for me between total stranger and that level of commitment. And YES, I've raised the bar on who can qualify for marriage pretty damn high.

That's based on experience, for sure. And thinking ahead. Most of the guys online put marriage as "what they're looking for" out there, because they think that's what women are looking for. Time to cut the crap and lay out some ground rules, on my part.

LOL, I got a message from a 35 yr old guy. No demands or requests, just wants someone female to talk to. LOL... another one struggling with the software. Eyes open, I sent him back a commisserating message about the software and told him my kids are older than he is, so maybe I'm not what he's looking for. That website has exceedingly complex age filters and a lot of the guys' ages are shown as being in their 30s - but with salt & pepper hair, or all white. And in addition - the software considers me a "match" to someone who's 25. (I've gone back to the 3 different places where you specify age range and reset it AGAIN. If it doesn't stick this time... I'm out of there.)

[lighter]

That's a lot of information, Amber.  You're so busy!

I do want to comment on the part about your hoping so quickly......

 YOU CAN HOPE!

You can feel giddy, and tingly, and interested in men, and that's something to be celebrated that you're ready.

That your parents failed to protect you and your brother..... is a terrible thing you'll be wrestling your entire life  likely.  I want to say I'm profoundly sorry they weren't able to do better, bc you were worthy, and deserved better.  So sorry.  You seem to be able to protect yourself just fine now.  You're a full grown Amazon, and you're mindfully finding your way through all aspects of your journey.

I believe in you, and I'm glad you've set the bar high for any new men in your life. 

Ligthter

[Twoapenny]

Aw Skep, I really identified with a lot of that, I think parents failing to protect leaves us with shaky foundations.  Combine that with a deep seated need and desire to be loved (again often there in spades if it isn't easily come by in childhood) and a people pleasing attitude (that so many of us have) and yes, it can cause all sorts of problems.

But I think you're dealing with it the right way.  You're aware it's there.  You're aware that hoping someone turns out to be as nice as they seem is okay and part of being human.  You're aware that not everyone is as nice as they seem so you sensibly checked things out and avoided the car crash.  All of this is good.  Personally I think I've got to a point where I'm accepting that bits of me are damaged and so I just have to put a bit more work in to live my life with those damaged bits in place.  I do experience what you describe.  I'd love a happy ending.  I'd love to meet a man who makes all the crap I've been through worth it.  But I am careful not to let my thoughts run away with me when I do meet someone (in the flesh or online).  I suppose it's knowing where your own line is between day dreaming and hoping and denying reality.  We all have to find the point that's comfy.  I think you're doing just fine xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks! I swapped pictures on the 3 sites I'm on. There was a better one than the one I initially used. I huffed a bit about the "auto-renewing subscription" on 2 sites... so I'm good for a couple more months yet and on the 3rd, I just didn't subscribe. I'm getting awfully tired of the gotchas in how people do business. At least they backed down and let me subscribe for 3 months at a time.

I've sent out a couple of messages and gotten a couple. Invariably, the guy's messages are overly-lovey-dovey... as if we already have a relationship. I guess they THINK this is what women want? Or other guys have said this is what they should do? I got news for 'em...

if someone I'd just met started talking to me that way face to face, the only reaction he'd get from me is terribly sore privates and probably a hand print on his face, as he bent over in pain. So I think I'm just going to have to accept that they need a little "training" before even considering housebreaking them... UNLESS I find one who can mind his manners a little better.

I'm trying to get better at looking for that in the self-descriptions. Someone who won't presume that a message is a full-on green light to jumping in the sack or marriage... and that I'm so emotionally "needy" that any attention or sweet talk, will cause me to swoon. (That's also to help keep me from swooning, actually.)

[Twoapenny]

Ha, that did make me laugh, yes, the whole 'this is how you chat up women' thing leaves me cold, I prefer gawky, awkward correspondence to be honest, because it seems more real - if you're showing your true self then most people feel a bit shy or unsure to start off with, I always feel that 'lines' are just that - trotted out to anyone that will listen and I assume it's a scattergun approach (if I say this to ten women one of them's bound to say yes!).  Perhaps I read too much into it or am just a bit long in the tooth now

Anyway, your approach sounds good, Skep, and I think Hops' advice re swopping a few messages and then getting together for a coffee is good.  I've probably been on a dozen dates with men from internet dating sites over the years and I think only two have been the way they appeared via their pictures and emails.  It's funny how people come across differently in different mediums.  Anyway, good luck and keep us posted

[lighter]

Ok...that assumption instant intimacy has been established is sort of how dd15s xbf started out.  She told me he skipped the part she was looking forward to.  It's sad bc he just has zero idea how to DO slow, funny, gentle getting to know someone.  I know he'd do better if he knew how. 

Does anyone think a toad can be hidden by these poor dating habits?  I'm thinking it's possible, but geez..... unlikely.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Ok...that assumption instant intimacy has been established is sort of how dd15s xbf started out.  She told me he skipped the part she was looking forward to.  It's sad bc he just has zero idea how to DO slow, funny, gentle getting to know someone.  I know he'd do better if he knew how. 

Does anyone think a toad can be hidden by these poor dating habits?  I'm thinking it's possible, but geez..... unlikely.

Lighter

I think it's possible, Lighter, I think there's so much 'social programming' that we're all conditioned to think is what or how we're supposed to be in all sorts of situations and I think people generally present a certain side of themselves initially, for self protection perhaps?  To be honest I'm really hoping I meet someone in a non meeting kind of way, just through doing an evening class or something I take my son to, because I think getting to know someone (to a certain extent) in a non dating way is better than setting it up as a possible romance from the beginning - I just think there's a pressure to it that makes both sides act a little different.  But I've been single for more than a decade so I probably shouldn't talk about dating at all lol

[lighter]

The only time I thought someone was a prospect, he went nuts....watched me eat in a creepy across the room way, barged into the bathroom, woke me from sound sleep to talk, was impossible to make small talk with, and it was like BAM!  He changed from funny and seemingly normal once he thought dating MIGHT be a possibility.  We never dated or discussed it!

He texted like a 13 yo girl....
while I was driving in a hurricane.....
with iffy tires! 
What.
The. 
Heck?

My brother said men lose their minds when they're attracted to a woman.  I wonder....how often is it a permanent thing?  It's.....not possible for me to engage it.

Lighter

 

[sKePTiKal]

Tupps - you said exactly what my issue is with "dating" as a "thing". All my husbands (and THAT sounds weird) were people I knew, before we even thought there might be romantic interest. #2 was probably the closest to a "love at first sight" situation... and that didn't turn out so well. It also wasn't that bad, except for a couple of intractable issues.

This is why I'm looking for someway for us "senior singles" to interact as a group. Pairing off happens way more naturally; you have a much better idea (walking into that first "date") of who the other person is, how they treat people, where their boundaries are - and if they'll respect yours. Maybe center the "get together time" on some kind of activity, so there's at least that in common... cards, board games, trivia, movies... books... with discussion & socializing to follow.

There was one guy on the site I haven't subscribed to that made me laugh out loud last night. He's fairly close to my location, but it would still be a drive. He said he was making a "new" profile, since what he started out with obviously wasn't effective. He said he didn't like cats, dogs or people much. Didn't feel like it worth his time to try to meet someone in cyberspace and jump through hoops like a trained unicorn... and he wasn't sure coming across as "desperate" was the image he wanted to share publicly... so I looked at his pictures. One is of a 50s pickup truck he's restoring. I opened my message to him... with NICE TRUCK. And proceeded to talk a little about my jeeps. I might have to subscribe to a) find him again and b) continue talking.

And he's just an average guy, average looking, blue collar... but I don't care about all that. I'm interested in who he is as a person -- and his "new profile" let that come through the screen. THAT is something I can connect with... whether it goes anywhere or not.

I guess I'm finding out a lot about myself in this process. Blowing up my own long-believed myths about "me"... what I want... really... and how this whole process works.

[sKePTiKal]

Never got a response from the guy with the truck. I think that website keeps everyone's profile and runs it across your screen, calling it a "match"... when it's just another entry in the database. Then, the profile descriptions that automatically selected based on a really short list of questions have fallen into quite the pattern. Some guys do write their own; there is some life to them.

But I did get a message back from someone. He seems real enough. We've just been talking... dipping a toe in the water... talking about ourselves a little. (No identifying/specific location data.) And not every day, either. He doesn't "tizzify" me... but he sounds like someone I can be comfortable with.

Good enough for now.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch, in real life... I seem to be talking and no one understands what I'm saying. Something that should be simple enough to arrange to get done, or explain what I want, or accomplish... has become incredibly frustrating. All because the words coming out of my mouth aren't what people understand... and I don't understand or know about what information they're saying they need from me. And that feels horrible. Like I've been dropped into an alien culture, with a different language, customs, and I DON'T BELONG.

Sorely tempted to go back to bed for an hour or three, and dream until I wake up back on "my planet" again.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I think lengthy naps when it's all getting too much are just the best

As for the online dating - I know in the UK there are loads of things those websites do to make it look like they've got more users than they have, or they put users up as active when they're not or just have random computer generated matching things so it looks like someone wanted to get in touch with you but when you contact them they're not a paid up member so they can't reply, and so on and so on.  I got bored and lonely last weekend so joined one and have had the predictable emails from blokes who haven't read my profile and just want someone to get together with (mostly starting with 'oh you're so pretty!) which goes back to that flattery stuff we were talking about before.

Yes, I think the meeting someone as part of a group type thing is way easier; you know you've got at least one thing in common and I find I meet a lot of guys day to day that I find attractive but I know if I saw a picture of them I wouldn't feel the same.  It's all about getting a vibe off people, I think, and sometimes just something about their eyes or the way they stand, there are so many little things that are lost online.

Are you too rural where you are for there to be seniors social gathering type thing?  They sound like nicer places to meet people, not even necessarily for dating but just for company or new friends.

[Hopalong]

The weirdness of online communicating---

NICE TRUCK! [Omg, she's so aggressive. All caps!? I'm scared of her...click, swipe, panic....]

Nice truck! [Is she a mechanic? Maybe she's part of a truck theft ring, I'd better shut down....]

I really like your truck! [Oh, that's sweet. She sounds....nice. Mebbe I'll....]

You like trucks? Me too! [Hmmm. Okayyy...but this is a guy thing.]

What kind of truck is that? [Uhhh. Guess I'll answer: It's a blah blah.... see if she wants to talk....]

Oy. Good luck Amber and keep at it!

Another line somebody once wrote about dating that I found both hysterical and helpful:

Hello, hello, keep the line moving....

hugs
Hops