Maybe use some of those 2 x 4s to build some new love boundaries?
The most loving thing we can do sometimes is to stop noticing, stop tracking, stop intuiting, and instead wait for the other's green light to share their own discoveries with us....
You are working so very hard to understand H, it's almost as though she is Twiggy.
But she's an entirely separate human being. Whom you love more than anyone, but she's not in the kind of danger that Twiggy was.
She will be able to cross the distance between you if you let her. She is possibly going to be feeling some unhappiness. But that is her path and this is just one turn in it. She is not in psychic danger.
She is a chip off the magnificent old block and has the capacity to mature at her own rate and become her own, different magnificence. You have clearly raised an amazing adult daughter, Amber.
Maybe time to just bask in how amazing that is, enjoy the small good moments, and not analyse her quite so much? You can be open-hearted and still keep your serenity, I know you can.
Her dramas need to be her dramas, and her peace her peace. You can share in whatever she offers for sharing, but she probably needs your nonverbal comfort as much as your mind, imo.
That was a LOT of opinion and 90% uninformed, so please forgive if these hunches are off base. They could well be...and as is clear, I am no expert on how to help a volatile adult daughter. I just remember the slow realization that apart from her own separate issues, during her childhood she and I were enmeshed. Toxic to us both in the long run.
love,
Hops