Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
summer stuff
Hopalong:
Well, church drama's mostly over. I'm relieved. At the big meeting, minister's fangroups had been rallied and made emotional testimonies about his wonderfulness. (Nobody addressed his leadership issues or the huge decline in attendance, pledges, finances, and infrastructure since he came.) OR, his posting on FB "Fuck___s" in reference to the congregation. Our group was not acknowledged, the board Pres. ate up half the time with long-winded facilitation (infuriated some) and the national reps said nothing, just sat in a semi-circle up front with the board.
I spoke my minute. Said positive things about his personal warmth, and my deep objection to his stereotyping of "older members" which has spread ageism in the community. Then time was up.
Later, our steering committee met again (my house, last night). The leader, who started it all, is quitting the group's leadership because it's too much for her health. Another, a quiet lifelong member, said she's already disengaged and after the big meeting, has removed the church from her will. The two remaining, including one close friend, are both very dominant, and argued over stupid stuff. I got upset and told them their tone was affecting my decision about staying or not (on the comm).
The steering comm will need new members if it's to continue. The two want to plan another big gathering. I'll go, and depending on whom they recruit then to join the steering committee, if anyone, I'll stay on it or step back. (Probably the latter.) They've got to get some folks with emotional IQ (not their strong suits) and also a writer. I've written my brain out and edited everything for our messaging from the get-go and did, if I may say so, an incredible job. Multiple congregants expressed how grateful they were for the detailed eight-page Q & A and our moving opening letter. But these two are dismissive of how intense that work was, or how valuable. I know I gave my best to the church I love, for right reasons, so I'm okay with the outcome. It's not all about me and if the young-uns are bewitched by his charisma, Nish though it is, they'll learn.
I knew I would be okay and after the minister and Board began multiple messages to say "come express your support for dear minister!/"dear leader" -- I had a strong sense we wouldn't win the day, and told the committee so. I think a few of them were too into believing we'd win. It's going to be a long slog for the church to figure out who they want to be. I'm not quitting but will just continue my involvement in ways and at times that feel nourishing and right for me. And a couple of newish people I like very much are going to start a monthly gathering elsewhere that I'll go to.
I'm relieved. The two bossy ones don't know how offended I was last night or how unappreciated I felt but it's real. It does me no good to be that sacrificial when more mature people do appreciate when I dig that deep and for months to donate that much effort at a pretty high skill level. It was utterly draining and affected my health in a significant way.
I also noticed that I slept well last night and I think that's probably my biggest indicator that it's better for me to step way back from the drama. I played my part, and I'm not up for it. But I'll wait until their summer gathering to find out what their next plans are. I don't think "the two" have any idea how they come across.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, I'm glad some sort of resolution seems to be drawing closer, even if it doesn't sound like one that will be entirely satisfactory. I'm sorry that some people haven't appreciated how much you've done or the personal cost to you of doing it. It does seem that there are people who think things magically happen and don't seem to understand how much work or skill goes in to putting some things together - and I'm sure, knowing you, that you spent a lot of time making sure you got the points across without sounding unkind or unnecessarily critical, which is in itself a great skill. I'm glad you have a splinter group forming that you can join and that you feel able to carry on attending the church in your own way. It sounds as if you found a good balance between giving it your best shot but recognising when all that can be done has been and that you need to think about yourself as a priority. People do fall for a charmer! But I think others see beneath the facade and know not to get to close. It sounds as if you've done your best to warn people. If it's fallen on deaf ears then it would seem to be a good time to get in that lifeboat and know you did your best xx
sKePTiKal:
I hope the rest of your summer is way more fun than that Hops!
lighter:
Hops,:
The two dominant leaders will understand how unappreciated you were when they have another letters to put out. Likely not until then.
Step back, and know you can always change mind or accept small piece of work if asked with respectful gratitude in future.
Or not.
Important thing is relief you feel when stepping back. Self care time. End self sacrifice chapter. At least for now.
You kept expectations reasonable, and so are ok with outcome. Very wise Amazon Hops. You did well. I'm glad your taking a breather.
Thanks for the update.
Lighter
Hopalong:
That's really supportive, guys, thank you!
I especially liked the "splinter group" idea (great phrase, Tupp)...immediately thought of a newsletter name: The Splinter.
Ha! We have been kind of a splinter in the minister's and Board's arses, and maybe good change will ultimately come of it.
Thanks again for listening to this long and windy tale...
Hugs
Hops
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