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summer stuff

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sKePTiKal:
Good insight Hops, and one I can really relate to!

Yes, being alone, it's so much easier to tell myself - it doesn't matter if I do x, y, or z. And I have noticed the difference when I have a friend coming to visit or Hol around. But I am stumbling over the underlying emotional need for "connection" and not facing it most of the time. And I have used "tricks" like you've described to get myself far into changing a habit... to internalize it and continue even on my own.

Sigh. Life. It's complicated.

You'd think by now we'd have it all figured out - especially US. LOL.

But fall is in the air (even with these awful hot & sticky days) and that when I seem to have the most energy. So I'm trying to gear up for a really productive one this year.

lighter:
Yay for energy, and new positive habits, Hops.

Perhaps recognizing reasons surrounding resistance around self care is perhaps the most important piece?

Like Amber, I'm happy fall is on it's way.  Being outdoors is a pleasure, and with fewer bugs.    A gnat flew smack into my right eye today.  I am so not cool with that.

Well done, Hops.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
IMO, knowing the reasons for the resistance is usually the starting point... but it's not enough. I don't know, apparently, what to DO about it. LOL. Or maybe it's the "right way (for me)" to do something about it.

What works for someone else, might not even budge me - and vice versa. Or have the opposite effect even.

It's kinda why I saw therapy as a kind of re-parenting. There wasn't anyone in my life that could teach me ways to manage that self-resistance much less, recognize it. So I feel like I've got half a key now... and I need the second bit of info to de-crypt this "mystery skill".

By some quirk of fate, Holly knows how to do this. I can't teach what I don't know... so she got it somewhere or it was innate. It frustrates her no end, to see me stuck in one of these resistance loops. She knows how well I function at other things - and doesn't always get that some things have extra "weight" or emotional intensity or significance to the resistance.

And I've just about talked myself into seeing the way out of this for me. The glimmer of a realization, that it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance. Hmmmmmmm.

Pondering.

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.
--- End quote ---

Thank you for sharing this, Amber.

I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.

(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)

My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.

Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.

Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.

Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.

love
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, one thing I've noticed and think is a "real thing"... for me at least...

is that the us that thinks with our brain is different from the emotional us -- and that emotional being has a way of "thinking" or "reasoning" too. What makes sense THERE, usually doesn't to the brain... and vice versa. Ergo: resistance.

And yes, when something truly BIG happens to us emotionally, it really is like a bagpipe with a hole in the airbag. We are always changed by it, too. The hole can be patched; the dings & dents pounded out and the finish polished up... yet never quite "the same", in essence.

I don't know if my resistance is due to any life experience I've been though per se; the accumulation of them; or if it's been around so long... thanks to FOO environment... that I just think it's me. Then, when the old emotional airbag develops another leak... well, we all return to tread those old neural paths that were "safe", don't we?

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