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summer stuff

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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 31, 2018, 10:10:21 AM ---
--- Quote ---it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.
--- End quote ---

Thank you for sharing this, Amber.

I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.

(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)

My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.

Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.

Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.

Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.

love
Hops

--- End quote ---

Hops, reading that made me feel like crying.  I feel your sense of loss so deeply.  I do wonder if the effort of just getting on with life after a loss so deep and defining is just such hard work that it is the reason so many of us need to crawl under the covers at times - or throw ourselves into work/drink ourselves into oblivion/go shopping - or whatever else it is that we do.  I get what you say about being different now.  I feel that too; I'm just not the person I used to be.  People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't feel that way.  I feel weakened and brittle from it all.  But what choice do we have, other than to keep going?  I think given all the things you've been through in life to get times when exercising or dealing with other personal things feels like too much is perfectly understandable.  And I think you've had a lot on your plate just recently - the situation with the minister, your relationship with B, just your work, which must be demanding on many levels - I think you have a lot to deal with.  I'm glad you're finding you can walk again and get back in to a good habit with it but I am hoping you aren't giving yourself a hard time if/when you don't do it.  You're perfect as you, as you are, with your down days and your feet up in front of the telly time and not managing to get out for a walk.  I understand that you feel better when you are more active - I think that's true for most people - but you're still magnificent if you're sitting on the sofa eating chocolate bars xx xx xx

Hopalong:
Thanks, (((((((((Tupp)))))))))))--

I hear you, I'm still Marvelous Me when I'm sedentary. It's just that the fact is, if I don't become Active Me I won't be around a lot longer to continue my marvelousness!

You are a supportive, empathic treasure, you are.

Well, there's news about Ngent, age 94. He died this morning, gently, of pneumonia. I'm sad for me/his other friends (because he was a sparkly, fascinating person) but relieved and happy for him. His life became a misery in recent months. We got to a place where I feel confident he valued me and felt my compassion and although I was just visiting (my paid work ended with his new facility)...I know I did right by him and eased his hardest years.

Some ego stuff and head-butting with the female PoA, but I'm letting all of that go now. We'll have a lovely service (with the lovely assistant minister) for him and I've got a nice idea. As I was cleaning out his apartment I found his fat stack of nonprofit membership cards--from all the charities he's been supporting for years. A THICK stack--just for 2018! Some people don't know that about him. I think it gave him meaning even though his flood of mail was...a big thing.

I'm going to take that stack of cards and some beautiful dark-colored board and create a heart, with the top end on one side broken open and the colors/shapes floating up and out to the upper right...

If I overlay them slightly and spot-glue them in place, and set it on a small easel at his reception, I think it'll be a striking non-verbal statement about who he was and what he cared about. ACLU, multiple organizations that worked on Native American tribes needs, everything environmental, women's rights, civil rights, BLM, democracy, on and on and on.... Just thinking about doing it makes me happy. Because if he was ever recognized for anything, it would be that people understand his passion for the environment and for justice.

In addition to his Prius, I took a small thing for myself. He had a little ceramic lovely elephant, blue and decorated beautifully. I have placed it on the dashboard of the Prius I bought from him. So it's in his honor (I named the elephant a female version of his name). That also brings me smiles. Though I need to anchor it with superglue and black velcro....

love
Hops

lighter:
I'm sorry he's gone, Hops, but glad he's not suffering.  It's a gift he that he didn't linger in pain. 

I think honoring Ngent, with that mindful work of art, is a continuation of the care you gave him during his life.  He surely appreciated the time, and care you gave to him.  You're still giving

And, I love the elephant you chose.  I find connection with small things like that too.  Little treasures.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter. You got it.
We're going to do a meaningful service for him next month.

Re. Hurricane Florence....Amber, I'm so glad you sold your beach house and are out of there. Are there any big trees up-slope from your house close enough to concern?

I'm in the path, inland, not coastal. But my one huge tree which is two feet from my house is a worry. I've debated running off with pooch to a hotel or dealing with my fear. About 15 years ago an elderly woman right around the corner (half-mile from here in family home) had a massive tree fall onto her house after soaking rains and was literally pinned to her bed by the branches crashing through the ceiling. It was a miracle she wasn't killed. Have to admit, that fear does haunt me.

Told my T this morning that I just wanted to be nice to myself and be honest about how many nights alone I want to listen to the wind and branches falling and worry about the tree. Today I bought water and canned food and as far as all that goes, would be fine. It's the psychological and anxiety part, especially alone, that I really don't want to deal with. I could stay with my weird neighbor but she makes me tense too. I imagine it'd be a bit safer there. Spoke to neighbors across the street who say I can bring pooch and come to their place any time. So that's comforting.

What's not comforting is that if an old, unwell tree (it's not as sick as the one I had taken down but not entirely well either) begins to fall, you don't always have time to gather pooch and scoot out the front door. It's tall enough that if it was a direct hit it would crush the whole wee house. I know it's only a small likelihood but it's not an irrational fear.

Sigh. Will take another look at how I feel tomorrow and think about the hotel $$. There, with no big trees around and other people nearby...it would likely feel easier.

Thanks for letting me worry-dump, y'all!
xxoo
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

If the neighbors across the street aren't weird, maybe that's the solution?  I hate the idea of you sitting in fear, listening to things ping, and bang on the roof. 

You'll likely have your own space, with the option to run back home as needed?

If you give them a heads up, they can make up your bed, and have it ready. If the fear becomes critical, that's your plan.

We're in the same path, and I'm planning to move vehicles into the street, then hunker down, and hope trees hold their own.   We always get lots of water... end of cul de sac at low end of neighborhood.  The yard looks like a river in heavy rains.  Sometimes the street drain gets clogged with debris, requiring frantic wading through knee deep water to clear it. 

It's surreal, and I'm crossing fingers for all of us.

 

Lighter

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