summer stuff

[Hopalong]

Amber was kind enough to ask about me on her usual thread so thought I'd post a quick update here. Nothing thrilling but...

I'm really okay, just have felt too spent to post much about me. In a nutshell, got quite depressed (doing better), got fatter (hmmm), had a date who lives too far away (more hmmm), and my church (my equivalent of family) is melting down with factions/cliques and a full-on revolt against the minister (which I'm part of, editing everything) which is right but also....scary. I've found myself feeling like a child watching parents fight on the brink of divorce, helpless/anxious/wanting to fix everything. It's straining everyone and threatens to rupture friendships. None of mine so far but it feels too edgy and painful at the mo'. For me, it's the only place in town that suits, so I'm hanging in for the duration, but it'll be a bumpy ride.

Moved my old gent into assisted living Friday which increases financial anxiety (he'll be needing me less than half the hours). And, took a fall next to a truck and sprained one ankle and the opposite knee. Had to leave him in the hands of the sloppy movers, without phone contact for a day, and felt terribly bad and worried. Assurances that "our CNAs will help him" didn't pan out well but he made it fine. An older woman pal of his came over and spent the first night with him...I could just picture them in the twin beds with their CPap's huffing away, bless her!!! Heard from him the next day and though disoriented by all the change and not yet unpacked, he's okay. But I hurt like heck for a day and a night but much better now. He wants me to get well so I can come haul more stuff away.

That's all I'm worth at the moment but I am reading every day as ever and thinking about y'all.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Oh Hops, I'm sorry things are tough.  I'm sorry about the situation with the minister, are people trying to get rid of him or is it other problems?  Have you been low because of breaking up with B?  I guess the situation with your D reignited some old wounds as well   And I'm sorry about your gent moving (although I can imagine it's better for him long term to be somewhere else?)  And sorry about your fall!  So easy to do and yes, so painful, do take it easy.  Is assisted living there similar to here?  As in, you have your own place but there are people you can call if you need to?  I hope things settle a bit soon and start to feel a bit easier.  Lots of love xx xx xx

[sKePTiKal]

Oh Hops! I hope your ankle & knee are starting to get better!

Is it necessary to be involved in the church problems? Maybe you don't need to be?

[lighter]

I'm sorry there's turmoil in your church phamily, Hops.

That alone's huge upset, then add the ankle/knee injuries,  and transitioning the old gent when you're still processing the relationship thing.

I've been wondering what you're up to, and how things are going. 

Thanks for popping up.  You've been missed.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Musketeers!

I'm really okay, just kind of wiped out.

I do feel right about being involved in the church stuff. He's toxic. I can help by editing. It's just been difficult. Actually now that I am actively doing something, it's not as bad as it felt before when it was just chaos and no coordinated resistance. And now I'm not alone in it at all. Whew to that!

Ankle's way better and knee will take time. Fatness is NOT good and really triggered somewhat during B--lots of tension about being with him--and then a big surge in overeating after we broke up, when the depression also was beginning to trickle up. Truthfully though, the church stuff, with it's family-threat vibe, was the last trigger. One morning that just sank in and I realized how deeply it was disturbing me, and I went "dark" for a couple weeks. Talked to my T, acknowledged I understood what was happening and what to do (most especially not isolate) and I can feel it's getting better already. Whew to that, too.

Assisted living in Ngent's case is pretty cushy, a lovely apt with huge windows. And that's right, Tupp, he'll have help on call at the touch of a button. I go see him Tuesday and he'll still use me now and then. After next week I'd like to take a full week off and then kick up the hunt for new people to work for. Would love to be rid of the need to but que sera.

Thanks for caring and I will be better about catching y'all up.

xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

Strap on your faux fur boots, and fight the good fight at Church.  Standing up for the right thing, in the right way, at the right time is a worthy Amazon endeavor.  I'm proud of you.

Catch us up whenever you have the time and energy. 

Lighter

 

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, I think I understand the depressive episode. Only my emotion is grief, instead.

It's sort of the things we can't control; the things we WISH were or could be different; and the life-long inner needs for x, y & z... all sorta coming together into a tangled MESS. In other words: life jumps up and says "hello! remember me??" And because we're already worn down, maybe frustrated or grieving, or just numb already... we're vulnerable. And just can't decide, deal with it, or even care.

Life WILL pick on us when we're in that state.

And in my case, I think I still really want someone ELSE to care - enough so that I can restart or jump-start my own caring. Caring enough to start deciding, dealing with, and moving past/through and into something else. Could be a wrong want; and most of the time I deal with it. I've tried not to judge that because I know how it came to be. And I still struggle with letting other people help too... although that's getting a lot better, what with the challenges of the farm.

After any swelling goes down, light regular movement is your best therapy for the knee and ankle.

[sea storm]

Hi Hops

Good to hear from you and I hope you can navigate through all the change in your usual way. That is thoughtfully, taking care of yourself, keeping connected to people who care and nurture your soul. I just wrote words help and erased it three times. Lately I have been experiencing how much self love can do to comfort one in times of way too much stress. When you list the things that are happening that are shaking your world it sounds like such a lot to carry. But life just keeps going on and it IS A LOT TO Carry. What amazes me is your capacity to carry it until it passes because you have the inner resources and the faith to keep going.
My mom came to me in a dream and she put a dab of cream on my third chakra and said that i  needed to do that. I said to her, Mom ... that's not enough. Its such a small amount.   She quietly said,  Its Enough.  I have thought about that for years and I think it might have been you who said that she was giving me her blessing.  Now I know the second part of that is that I need to do this for myself ... a lot. Just say ,, its enough. Like when you go to church and you know there is infighting, gossip and a power struggle that is tearing the place apart, and you look at the windows with light shining in or at the faces of really old people who need the place and are the heart of the place and then you say... its enough.  Finding your place of gratitude and regaining your true spiritual connection which is inside and very high above a mixed up preacher.
There are some people who have ten times the heart and ten times the capacity for love that most of us have and I wonder how they live in such a measly world. I think you are that way and hope that you can get by by saying to yourself... that's enough.

I hear your struggles and I care.
Lots of love

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Thank you, dear ((((Sea)))).

I am doing much better. My depression has lifted about 90% and I think it's because instead of being the scared child about my church family, I am now deeply engaged with the group that's trying to coordinate a democratic and well conceived move to ask the Board (at some point) to go through the approved procedures to eventually (likely this fall) bring it to a vote. We are sending a letter directly to every member around the first of July to outline our concerns, and have collected a list of supporters already committed to signing that letter with us.

So I no longer feel alone and scared, I feel like an adult who is doing what she can to change the situation. If we do not prevail (a definite possibility, as he has fans) that is okay. I will have done what I believe is right, and would then maintain my involvement at the level that works for me. IOW, do not attend on the days he preaches, keep up by reading all sermons online, and attend on the 1-in-4 when our positive assistant minister preaches, and continue to work on committees that have goals I share, stick with my 2x/month Covenant Group involvement, etc. And then just...wait him out. Eventually we will have a minister who does minister to me. And I can still be well and have church family in the meantime.

The difference between being scared and frozen and concerned but taking action is big. Duh.

The injuries (ankle and knee) were a wakeup call about fitness/wellness. I can't take long walks now and doc sez to take it slowly, wear braces (I am), use NSAIDs, and be patient. My next big step will be to coax my long-time-avoidant lardass into the pool. So that's on my agenda. Don't ask, I'll feel guilty, but you can be sure I'll bray about it here once I DO go!

Much love to you, that more good dreams will come and also manifest in your life. (My latest good dream was a surprising erotic one about my yard guy...real chemistry there, but he's married.) 

Lots of love and gratitude for you,
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

How are things going lately? 

Did the letters go out to everyone yet?  If so, how is that going?
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks for checking, Lighter.

I'm really okay and the letter is going out next week.
It was editing right to the wire, and also finding out that since one on our committee blabbed too much too soon, the cat is mostly out of the bag anyway.

My contribution was to state our purpose, our reasons, and what the process would be IF the congregation wishes to deal with the question. Which it may not. But it was incredible how many days of editing and parsing and massaging every scrap of the wording it took. I was also touched by the support we got, and how many agreed to sign the letter with us. About 30, not a huge number, but given that attendance averages 120, a respectable enough number to demand that the Board schedule discussions to deal with the concerns. And, for every person that signed there were those in the wings who feared backlash or being disliked, while they still agreed with us.

Satisfying to do it well, but also stressful. A spat broke out about the minister on the church FB page, a snakepit I'm glad I avoided. It's really kind of sad, never have seen such a divide here.

But I'm okay and hope I'll soon be sleeping better.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Sounds like roughly half the congregation shares your concerns, Hops.  Mostly women?  I ask bc women seem to worry more about being liked and/ punished, IME, but hey.... comment if you're comfortable.

I'm sure you did a bang up job.  Maybe more will take courage from those who signed, and surprise you with additional signatures.  You certainly deserve to be heard. 

Good job.  The group couldn't have had a more qualified person handling the mission statement and editing.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Why do I think there's more than the church upset bothering you, dear? Like maybe you're thinking a lot of deep, sensitive thoughts and sorting out some big things (feelings)?

You can tell me to mind my own business, ya know. I just felt some of this, in what you wrote and wondered.

[Hopalong]

I think it is more women than men who have signed, Lighter. But really it's going both ways...women are saying "enough is enough" and their husbands call later to say okay, me too. But it can also happen the other way around...one husband signed and his wife won't. There are also more older women than older men in general, single or widowed, which is the way nature works.

Quite a few of the people who are fed up with him are also in groups or on committees which make them feel they can't sign (or give them an excuse not to). I don't know how it'll turn out. I am sensitive to being disliked, truthfully, which is a legacy from school bullying. It'll take courage to go back to services after the letter is out but I will (on days he's not in the pulpit). I should, truthfully, go even if he IS in the pulpit, so I can't be accused of doing terrible things "without even attending" but I'm not sure I'm up for that.

Meanwhile, old-folks work goes apace with interesting new people. New lady, 88, escaped from Cuba with her family a year before the dictatorship and has had a remarkable life. Given the current state of things here, maybe I'll ask her if she thinks we could go back there? 

Amber, thanks. The depression has mostly lifted, truly. But any plunge there, even temporary, does call up some serious vibe. It's okay. I feel a little more mortal since the fall, a reminder, and time seems to be flying. I identified a lot with what you said about wishing someone cared about you in a way that'd make you care more about yourself. That really got me thinking about how to be more interested in and take more delight in my own life. Especially the writing I am not doing.

Knee is better and though I haven't been physically active enough, I do love summer.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Let me know if you suddenly see it laid out in front of you Hops - like the solution to a maze or something; I find I spend a lot of time struggling with that "caring about myself" and it entails a lot more things than finally realizing most people brush their teeth twice a day or how I look.

It was all I could do to sign up for a monthly massage program; I get auto-billed every month. And I realized I avoided making an appt for one for a couple month when I noticed I was being charged and not going. THAT'S why I signed up, actually. I did go yesterday and made the next appt before I left, this time. With the projects - many times I just don't know what days someone will show up so I depended on myself to squeeze in a day to make time for this - hopefully combined with banking/errands day. And let myself go to the bottom of the list again.   

While she was working on the kinks from sitting in the bobcat and reading/being online too much... I noticed that like it or not - it IS important for me to experience touch from someone else. Even if it's as impersonal as a massage.

Makes me think of Anne. I do believe this goes back to that "primary caregiver attachment". I didn't get enough of this externally as a child... and so never internalized (or learned) the necessity of caring for myself. I see bits & pieces of this, looking at Holly and the places where she is different from me - despite her own childhood messes, she DID have me & others who cared a great deal about her.