summer stuff

[sKePTiKal]

Good insight Hops, and one I can really relate to!

Yes, being alone, it's so much easier to tell myself - it doesn't matter if I do x, y, or z. And I have noticed the difference when I have a friend coming to visit or Hol around. But I am stumbling over the underlying emotional need for "connection" and not facing it most of the time. And I have used "tricks" like you've described to get myself far into changing a habit... to internalize it and continue even on my own.

Sigh. Life. It's complicated.

You'd think by now we'd have it all figured out - especially US. LOL.

But fall is in the air (even with these awful hot & sticky days) and that when I seem to have the most energy. So I'm trying to gear up for a really productive one this year.

[lighter]

Yay for energy, and new positive habits, Hops.

Perhaps recognizing reasons surrounding resistance around self care is perhaps the most important piece?

Like Amber, I'm happy fall is on it's way.  Being outdoors is a pleasure, and with fewer bugs.    A gnat flew smack into my right eye today.  I am so not cool with that.

Well done, Hops.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

IMO, knowing the reasons for the resistance is usually the starting point... but it's not enough. I don't know, apparently, what to DO about it. LOL. Or maybe it's the "right way (for me)" to do something about it.

What works for someone else, might not even budge me - and vice versa. Or have the opposite effect even.

It's kinda why I saw therapy as a kind of re-parenting. There wasn't anyone in my life that could teach me ways to manage that self-resistance much less, recognize it. So I feel like I've got half a key now... and I need the second bit of info to de-crypt this "mystery skill".

By some quirk of fate, Holly knows how to do this. I can't teach what I don't know... so she got it somewhere or it was innate. It frustrates her no end, to see me stuck in one of these resistance loops. She knows how well I function at other things - and doesn't always get that some things have extra "weight" or emotional intensity or significance to the resistance.

And I've just about talked myself into seeing the way out of this for me. The glimmer of a realization, that it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance. Hmmmmmmm.

Pondering.

[Hopalong]

it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.

Thank you for sharing this, Amber.

I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.

(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)

My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.

Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.

Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.

Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, one thing I've noticed and think is a "real thing"... for me at least...

is that the us that thinks with our brain is different from the emotional us -- and that emotional being has a way of "thinking" or "reasoning" too. What makes sense THERE, usually doesn't to the brain... and vice versa. Ergo: resistance.

And yes, when something truly BIG happens to us emotionally, it really is like a bagpipe with a hole in the airbag. We are always changed by it, too. The hole can be patched; the dings & dents pounded out and the finish polished up... yet never quite "the same", in essence.

I don't know if my resistance is due to any life experience I've been though per se; the accumulation of them; or if it's been around so long... thanks to FOO environment... that I just think it's me. Then, when the old emotional airbag develops another leak... well, we all return to tread those old neural paths that were "safe", don't we?

[Twoapenny]

it's me being whole; and totally present; without a "need" for anything(one) else just might be a way out. As if, my existential "me" is so convinced I'm not "enough" that there isn't even a try... turns into resistance.

Thank you for sharing this, Amber.

I think I got broken when my D left my life. So though I'm way better, there's an element of wandering through life unmotivated because there are little wormholes in my spirit. Not enough to snuff me out, but I'm like a motheaten bagpipe. I can still make some music, but it'll never be the same.

(That was a terrible analogy because bagpiping is an acquired taste. Poor man at McCain's Arizona funeral yesterday, which was a beautifully choreographed and highly formal ceremony, let out one squawk that will haunt him forever. I'll try another.)

My heart knows something it did not know before that loss, is what I mean. I am not bitter but I am different. And when my heart feels weak or leaky, my will often decided....it's okay to let go (of health, of dreams). I KNOW that's not okay, but believe that is actually what's happening. Don't mean to sound alarming (it's not literal) but it's like when I go THAT sedentary, I feel as though my body is trying to get away from being alive.

Being whole and fully alive is what I want. Somehow, losing my mother card makes me feel as though I've lost the right.

Truly, I don't BELIEVE that's true. But I think what's at the heart of my resistance is that a little depression + a little loneliness sometimes = resistance to helping myself.

Doing better now. Time of year, good work, connecting more. Will need to be careful as winter comes on that I have many connections planned.

love
Hops

Hops, reading that made me feel like crying.  I feel your sense of loss so deeply.  I do wonder if the effort of just getting on with life after a loss so deep and defining is just such hard work that it is the reason so many of us need to crawl under the covers at times - or throw ourselves into work/drink ourselves into oblivion/go shopping - or whatever else it is that we do.  I get what you say about being different now.  I feel that too; I'm just not the person I used to be.  People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't feel that way.  I feel weakened and brittle from it all.  But what choice do we have, other than to keep going?  I think given all the things you've been through in life to get times when exercising or dealing with other personal things feels like too much is perfectly understandable.  And I think you've had a lot on your plate just recently - the situation with the minister, your relationship with B, just your work, which must be demanding on many levels - I think you have a lot to deal with.  I'm glad you're finding you can walk again and get back in to a good habit with it but I am hoping you aren't giving yourself a hard time if/when you don't do it.  You're perfect as you, as you are, with your down days and your feet up in front of the telly time and not managing to get out for a walk.  I understand that you feel better when you are more active - I think that's true for most people - but you're still magnificent if you're sitting on the sofa eating chocolate bars xx xx xx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, (((((((((Tupp)))))))))))--

I hear you, I'm still Marvelous Me when I'm sedentary. It's just that the fact is, if I don't become Active Me I won't be around a lot longer to continue my marvelousness!

You are a supportive, empathic treasure, you are.

Well, there's news about Ngent, age 94. He died this morning, gently, of pneumonia. I'm sad for me/his other friends (because he was a sparkly, fascinating person) but relieved and happy for him. His life became a misery in recent months. We got to a place where I feel confident he valued me and felt my compassion and although I was just visiting (my paid work ended with his new facility)...I know I did right by him and eased his hardest years.

Some ego stuff and head-butting with the female PoA, but I'm letting all of that go now. We'll have a lovely service (with the lovely assistant minister) for him and I've got a nice idea. As I was cleaning out his apartment I found his fat stack of nonprofit membership cards--from all the charities he's been supporting for years. A THICK stack--just for 2018! Some people don't know that about him. I think it gave him meaning even though his flood of mail was...a big thing.

I'm going to take that stack of cards and some beautiful dark-colored board and create a heart, with the top end on one side broken open and the colors/shapes floating up and out to the upper right...

If I overlay them slightly and spot-glue them in place, and set it on a small easel at his reception, I think it'll be a striking non-verbal statement about who he was and what he cared about. ACLU, multiple organizations that worked on Native American tribes needs, everything environmental, women's rights, civil rights, BLM, democracy, on and on and on.... Just thinking about doing it makes me happy. Because if he was ever recognized for anything, it would be that people understand his passion for the environment and for justice.

In addition to his Prius, I took a small thing for myself. He had a little ceramic lovely elephant, blue and decorated beautifully. I have placed it on the dashboard of the Prius I bought from him. So it's in his honor (I named the elephant a female version of his name). That also brings me smiles. Though I need to anchor it with superglue and black velcro....

love
Hops

[lighter]

I'm sorry he's gone, Hops, but glad he's not suffering.  It's a gift he that he didn't linger in pain. 

I think honoring Ngent, with that mindful work of art, is a continuation of the care you gave him during his life.  He surely appreciated the time, and care you gave to him.  You're still giving

And, I love the elephant you chose.  I find connection with small things like that too.  Little treasures.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter. You got it.
We're going to do a meaningful service for him next month.

Re. Hurricane Florence....Amber, I'm so glad you sold your beach house and are out of there. Are there any big trees up-slope from your house close enough to concern?

I'm in the path, inland, not coastal. But my one huge tree which is two feet from my house is a worry. I've debated running off with pooch to a hotel or dealing with my fear. About 15 years ago an elderly woman right around the corner (half-mile from here in family home) had a massive tree fall onto her house after soaking rains and was literally pinned to her bed by the branches crashing through the ceiling. It was a miracle she wasn't killed. Have to admit, that fear does haunt me.

Told my T this morning that I just wanted to be nice to myself and be honest about how many nights alone I want to listen to the wind and branches falling and worry about the tree. Today I bought water and canned food and as far as all that goes, would be fine. It's the psychological and anxiety part, especially alone, that I really don't want to deal with. I could stay with my weird neighbor but she makes me tense too. I imagine it'd be a bit safer there. Spoke to neighbors across the street who say I can bring pooch and come to their place any time. So that's comforting.

What's not comforting is that if an old, unwell tree (it's not as sick as the one I had taken down but not entirely well either) begins to fall, you don't always have time to gather pooch and scoot out the front door. It's tall enough that if it was a direct hit it would crush the whole wee house. I know it's only a small likelihood but it's not an irrational fear.

Sigh. Will take another look at how I feel tomorrow and think about the hotel $$. There, with no big trees around and other people nearby...it would likely feel easier.

Thanks for letting me worry-dump, y'all!
xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

If the neighbors across the street aren't weird, maybe that's the solution?  I hate the idea of you sitting in fear, listening to things ping, and bang on the roof. 

You'll likely have your own space, with the option to run back home as needed?

If you give them a heads up, they can make up your bed, and have it ready. If the fear becomes critical, that's your plan.

We're in the same path, and I'm planning to move vehicles into the street, then hunker down, and hope trees hold their own.   We always get lots of water... end of cul de sac at low end of neighborhood.  The yard looks like a river in heavy rains.  Sometimes the street drain gets clogged with debris, requiring frantic wading through knee deep water to clear it. 

It's surreal, and I'm crossing fingers for all of us.

 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I started tracking this storm all day long a few days ago. Of course, I've done that for decades now... ever since Isabel hit OBX two days before our scheduled vacation check-in. I've been alternating between anxiety with bursts of focused work and just sitting being mesmerized. Fortunately I am only halfway through an epic 10 book science/fantasy saga.

As of 5 am's NHC forecast track, the storm is going to take a LEFT turn, instead of a right some time this weekend. It's slowed down a bit on forward motion. After all the excess rain we've had this summer, I was more concerned about getting flooded in here, than anything else. And Hol hasn't even left Portland yet; departure scheduled today/tomorrow... and then it's going to take her over a week to get back; best estimate. I did NOT want her trying to drive home into a storm like that, up here. It's bad; I did it when hurricane Fran came up the mountains and did not make it home that day... and then I had to wade a creek & walk in... only to find half our orchard gone and no power for a week.

Do yourself a favor Hops. STOP watching the tv weather; listening to radio reports. The only thing "biblical, historic & catastrophic" is the amount of fear-mongering they're indulging in. They do this with EVERY storm. This storm is going to be bad enough with all the rain & some typical TS wind inland; you don't live near a stream or river, in an area that's likely to flood. The tree IS a rational fear and I've been cutting back trees around the house since I've been here. Sleep somewhere else in the house, if the rain gets bad & wind seems bad.

That said, the storm has (for the moment) turned away from us. I don't expect anything worse than I've been through all summer up here. Right now. I've had to remind people that this new computer model track just popped up between the 11 pm update and 5 am this morning. It can change AGAIN, just as quickly. So I'm not celebrating - yet.

Your city sits in a valley between mountains that will break up the force of the wind. The wind will tend to spiral and come from a lot of directions, instead of being predominanty from a single direction - as it would in flat terrain with strong outer bands. Another plus, in your favor against the tree.

And while lighter will be a lot closer to the effects - as things stand as of this latest update - she'll have less to worry about too. If my weather forecasts had been more accurate this summer, I'd be completely relieved. However, too many inaccurate forecasts - even for the next day - have me keeping an eye on the storm and continuing doing what I need to do around here, just in case.

The other thing that has me continuing on with work, is that my last storm 2 yrs ago - Matthew - did not act at all as predicted. The national hurricane center is my main source of data on these storms (no drama or hype) and their forecasts were wrong all the way till it went out to sea. It was a cat 1 when it hit OBX, and it was supposed to a TS that went out to sea in S. Carolina; Wilmington area. That storm delayed my move up here by 2 weeks.
---------------

My local radio guy is just now doing an update for our area on the storm. Rain starts Friday; and he's saying "breezy conditions rather than windy" - about 20 mph - but it will rain for 3-4 days. AS the TRACK STANDS NOW.

He also mentioned the various steering weather features that vary in intensity/timing that make it just too hard right now to predict the track. Face it; no one knows for 100% sure. Yesterday's track had both you & I dealing with a mess Hops - but not experiencing even tropical storm conditions - despite the exaggerated claims of the doomsayers. Our power companies and emergency mgmt guys are still planning to be ready - just in case.

And that's what I'm doing.

[Hopalong]

Hi Amber,
Haven't been watching any hysterical TV weather at all (I get my updates online) but do respect the potential power of a hurricane. Seems the danger has dimmed now that the direction's changed, but that could change again.

Still wondering...any uphill trees a danger to your house? HOPE NOT! I'm sure you have your own safety plan in place...I'll be sending good vibes.

Lighter, thanks...yes, it really did feel better once I connected with my neighbors. We're still unsure about a couple of sketchy trees (them too) but there for each other. I think the ground saturation will be a bigger issue than wind.

I'm sure my anticipatory anxiety was overblown, ouch, bad adjective. Don't wanna think about overbloooooooown!

Hah and hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

S'OK Hops. I've been talking lots of people off ledges this week. LOL....

The track of the storm as it comes up the mountains - takes it WEST of the mountains. By Monday, they're predicting it'll be around Wheeling. Everything east of the Appalachians/Blue Ridge will just be rain; no wind to speak of. And even if changes track again and comes up the east side - most of the wind will blown out of it by then. "Breezy" - normal windy conditions - are what you can expect.

The intensity has dropped to a Cat 2 now, as well - as it usually does when it's in shallower coastal waters and interacting with land mass, and land driven weather systems.

But if the tree worries you off/on, I'd start setting aside a little $$$ to get it at least trimmed back, if not removed altogether.

I've already removed 4-5 trees that bothered me (or would grow into trees that would bother me in the future) because of the potential for forest fire. That also reduces the chance of them falling on the house. With my hills, they're going to tend to fall downhill... regardless of wind direction... and I have a consulting forester and pro tree team on speed dial. LOL. I did notice one that might fall across my road that I might have to call my redneck "army" to deal with it if it does fall across the road... but the fact is, I seldom have any real "NEED" to go anywhere that can't be rescheduled or managed some other way. And since I don't pester my guys for every little thing around here - they're usually pretty responsive.

[Hopalong]

I'm glad no downward-tilting trees above your house are a threat to it. It's no fun when they fall but if they're far back enough you'd just need to worry about removal, rather than house-squashing, that's a good thing.

I had it well trimmed twice since moving here (once last year) so it's in as good shape as it can be. I just may have to make the tough choice regardless of this particular storm, if the increasing fierce storms pattern continues. Which of course it will now that the climate is warming and we're instead doing clever things like legislating how to keep cars dirty longer, release methane into the atmosphere and bring back coal... Because it would be terrible to tax on carbon, gosh why do anything like that?

Rant.

xo
Hops

[Hopalong]

I'd think of trimming back, but it is literally 24" from the back wall of the house, and it's about 150' tall and farther around than I can hug. So I think more trimming of the branches/crown way up there won't do much--I've had that done twice in six years, including last year, by good arborists. Plus, had them treat it with horticultural oil for its *gloomy scale. That trunk would be a crusher, can't trim that.

I'm no longer fearing it for this storm but it's been good to think about it. Read somewhere that Florence is a rarity but hmmmmm....really?

Time to get a move on.

*What Hops wants to die of, because how could a poet die of anything better?  Maybe there'd be bonus poetry in being squashed by a tree that has a case of it...

xxoo