Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness
lighter:
Tupp: I don't know what will happen to the paperwork. I know I'll start pulling out boxes, SEE something that's meaningful to me.... a document, an ORDER, an Agreement, or e mail, and that will set me on a task. I feel as though I'll be pulling specific things to SHOW my girls when and if they have questions. An organized file, and then I'll see what comes next. There will be emotions, and there will be reactions, and there will be ADD tangents from one box to another. Maybe something positive will come of it. Not sure, but they have to leave the home. I could bag them, and put them under the house, I suppose, but isn't that still bad juju in our space?
I'm looking forward to the day we can be free of all this paper, Tupp. Free in every way we can be free.
About early trauma, Tupp....
The girls have been referred to a neurofeedback specialist. Maybe research it a bit, and see if it might help you, bc you deserve relief from yours too. It changes the brain.... the mid brain. It can be soothed, and trained, and brought back into balance. At least, that's what I've been told, and I want to believe that.
IF ONLY I COULD SCAN all these papers and be able to find stuff after. It's huge, and involved, and makes me feel out of control... not being able to put my hands ON things.... papers I'm familiar with when and if I need them again. That's tough. I always dreamed of having it on computer, and at my fingertips. I don't suppose that's possible. The scanner I purchased, to get through the custody trial, died. What. A. Mess. That was, but it got the job done. I'm amazed at all the evidence evil people make and leave behind. Amazed that they operate like it doesn't exist. Operating as though their truth trumps all, and sometimes we think it does, but that's not true. Never has been. They're still guilty, and evil, and everyone who can see, is willing to see, can see it.
I really think I need this evidence though. The idea of not having it..... is unthinkable. I'm not sure what I'll do with it. So, back to pulling the really important things... the must have things... then burning the rest. That sounds about right, honestly. It feels right too. Will see.
Oh this beautiful day.... I've blown yard stuff around, sucked it up, watered it, and tried to plan gravel on the path where it's muddy...... ordered 72sf of TRUEGRID ECO 1" deep permeable pavers, which is like ordering a frame to hold gravel in place on walkways, driveways, in yards, and slopes, etc. Gravel won't get swept away, or blown into leaves and moss. I can put larger stones along sides to hide the black framework.... I feel pretty good about it.
If you can't picture it... think of a milk crate, and a black plant tray having a baby. Sort of.
Youngest dd and I picked up a few rocks from a construction site. I love construction sites. There was one in my old State that was PERFECT. I really miss it.
Bought three white Encore Azaleas from the grocery store, and it makes me happy to think about placement. I'm thinking about pulling the purple and red azalea bushes, bc they're old, spindly, and bright red and purple. I'll try to save them, and plant them out back, but not sure how successful that'll be.
I'm trying to focus on me.... considering a retreat, but not sure what kind that would be.
I should meditate more, but there's resistance. Not sure what that's about, but will pay attention to it.
I wish there was some kind of business we could build on all this...... experience, Tupp. Wouldn't that be something?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Yep, get it with the paperwork. I think in our situation I will get to a point where I just don't need to have it around anymore, largely because I am writing it all up into a book/journal/maybe legal action I'm not sure? and it will get to a stage where all the paperwork we have will simply be too old to be useful to anyone, focusing, as it does, on son's early years and his childhood. So I think we will eventually get to a point where I can safely scan 'just in case' and burn the lot. But I get completely what you say about needing to hang on to some of it, at least, but also not wanting it in the house.
Is there a document storage place you can store the papers? Or even a company that will scan it all for you so that you know you have it backed up should there be a problem with the storage place and it all gets ruined? If it has to stay in the house (I understand that worry of letting it out of your sight - it's so many years of slog and hard work the thought of it vanishing and having to do it again - oh my days!) then, once you've sorted and got it pared down as much as possible, could you turn it into a sort of good juju monument to how bloody hard you've all worked to get through this and how well you've done despite those f**kers doing everything they could to stop you. So maybe the boxes can be filed somewhere out of site, or if they need to stay somewhere they can be seen the boxes can be pretty ones, or covered with a nice cloth, or behind a nice curtain or something. And then in front of that, or next to it, or wherever it works, make a beautiful space. Plants, cushions, candles, photos of you and girls smiling, happy, having fun. A pic of you with a 'f**k you' look on your face, framed copies of the girls achievements, school reports, qualifications and so on, and yours, too. Pics of that beautiful garden you're making, the beach house you've so lovingly put back together - just some sort of visual space that pushes out the bad juju and replaces it with all your good, loving, bloody hard work and shining examples of everything you've done. I've got little reminders all over my house of nice things son and I have done over the years - paintings, drawings, photographs, things he's made, sea shells we've picked up from beach walks, plants that friends gave me at difficult times or to celebrate something - do you know what I mean? Just things that can prick your memory and replace all the horrible memories that the paperwork conjures up with memories of the nice stuff that you did even though you had to fight your way through that shit storm. I think sometimes we need visual reminders of how much we've done and overcome, it's not always enough to just have it in our heads. The bad stuff always seems to take up more space there; I think we need to overload it with good things and box it up in our minds as well as in our homes xx
Hopalong:
Tupp.
Everything you wr o te here (sorry, borrowed laptop with independent space bar) really inspired me. You described the heart of my
biggest problem at home, and the solution. can't type muchmore on this thang.
Thanks.
Hops
lighter:
Youngest DD has her neurofeedback assessment today. Should take about 4 hours.
She seems to be invested in it.
There were 15 pages to fill out, beforehand.
It's funny this office has been 2 miles from my house for 5 years.
I guess things happen in their own time.
Oldest DD will go later this week.
Had first T session with oldest DD last night, and it went beautifully.
DD loved the T, and the T is really great.
Company left this morning, and it was a fulfilling visit.
Yesterday I worked in the yard... the moss is uber happy with all the rain. Did some tree trimming, and sucker removal... just having glorious cool breezy spring weather right now.
Will have a house full soon for oldest DD's graduation! Woo hoo!
Lighter
Twoapenny:
That all sounds lovely, Lighter, it's always funny when you find someone useful living nearby. It's great that it's all going so well. Sounds busy in a good way :) xx
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