Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mindfulness
lighter:
Tupp:
Your birthday post made me so happy!
Those are the kinds of friends worth cultivating, IME.
The ones, who can't see or hear your struggle, can be released with love... or not.
I think it's important to adjust expectations either way.
Again.... so glad you had a happy birthday!
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 12, 2019, 07:48:36 PM ---Tupp:
Your birthday post made me so happy!
Those are the kinds of friends worth cultivating, IME.
The ones, who can't see or hear your struggle, can be released with love... or not.
I think it's important to adjust expectations either way.
Again.... so glad you had a happy birthday!
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter. They are really good friends. I'm very lucky to have them (and all of you guys). I think I'm at a point where perhaps I do need to be around people who are a bit more intuitive and kind of 'get' what I need without me having to tell them. Not to the point of people needing to be mind readers - but I'm a bit tired of having to explain to people that I'm exhausted when they know I never get a day off, that we can't come out today when they know how hard son finds it do certain things, that I'm lonely when they know I live on my own, can't get out, haven't got family and so on. I don't mind at all with people who don't know me but I've got that funny thing where I feel lonelier when I'm with people I know well and they still don't seem to get it than I do when I'm with people I don't know at all? Odd situation really. But yes, it was a lovely birthday and I am very lucky to have such good people in my life xx xx
lighter:
I try to remind myself...,
Some people just can't hear me when I speak.
That's a truth for me.
I don't know why, and it doesn't matter, as long as I'm clear now.
Trying to explain anything to people who cannot or will not hear....is maddening, and I know better than to try.
I don't know how that's going to play out in my life, but it's worth a hard look for me too.
Giving so much of ourselves to others, without receiving in return, has to change.
Not being heard has to change.
Carrying unrealistic expectations is something we have to identify, and change ourselves. Why do we expect people to change?
We have to be the change, create the change, and change our habits.
I guess we have to give up hope, and go from there. We'll free up space for new things.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 24, 2019, 03:49:01 PM ---I try to remind myself...,
Some people just can't hear me when I speak.
That's a truth for me.
I don't know why, and it doesn't matter, as long as I'm clear now.
Trying to explain anything to people who cannot or will not hear....is maddening, and I know better than to try.
I don't know how that's going to play out in my life, but it's worth a hard look for me too.
Giving so much of ourselves to others, without receiving in return, has to change.
Not being heard has to change.
Carrying unrealistic expectations is something we have to identify, and change ourselves. Why do we expect people to change?
We have to be the change, create the change, and change our habits.
I guess we have to give up hope, and go from there. We'll free up space for new things.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I think a lot of whether people can 'hear' you is about their mindset and whether their mind is at a similar level to yours - I don't mean necessarily in an intellectual way or that you have opinions that you agree on - but whether they 'see' the world in the same way that you do. I'm amazed at how closed minded some people can be and how, however much information or evidence you give them, they still refuse to hear the information or acknowledge it. Maybe it's a defence mechanism on their part or something? But yes, definitely good to focus on folk who can hear and who do want to make an effort around you :) How are things going on the island? xx
Hopalong:
perhaps I do need to be around people who are a bit more intuitive and kind of 'get' what I need without me having to tell them.
((((Tupp))))
I think it's actually a really good practice to explain what you need even to people who "should know." Just work in the mantra without the painful conclusions. Sort of like saying to yourself, I don't know why I should need to repeat what seems obvious, but I value this person, and if I do say it clearly, my chances they'll get it (even a little bit better, over time) increase. Maybe I can learn to present these facts neutrally and unhook them from my emotions. Just reciting facts....like you teach a toddler by giving the same instructions over and over again.... but without expectations. Like weather. Oh here we go, rain, grab brolly. Or here we go, friend seems oblivious, repeat instructions:
"Sorry, I'm exhausted."
"Wish I could, but we have to factor in son. He can't do that."
"I'm quite lonely, since people have trouble remembering."
Lather, rinse, repeat....
Boring. But boring is good. If you can shift your instructions-comments to friends from anguish to boredom ... might get easier.
Meanwhile, makes so much sense to invest more time in those that don't need so many reminders of your realities and necessary boundaries. Ideas above were just in thinking of the oblivious ones you still like enough to deal with.
Hugs
Hops
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