Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Double Jeopardy; A; WTH is the matter with women. Q; What is Men, Alex?

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sKePTiKal:
Mike and I decided to take our frendship to the next level in April. In June, he bought me an engagement ring. I moved in, in July. And the next year, in September, I remember asking myself what sort of madness it was to get married (when the previous one was so hurtful) to this guy so soon... on the long drive down to Duck, NC.

We were together till his preferred ending, 15 yrs. later. It was never a "perfect" relationship but it was without question, the best I'd experienced to this date.

Yes, "love at first sight" or fast decisions about marriage can work out. No one size fits all rules about that for people. People impact each other and grow and change (hopefully) as a RESULT of their relationships. I even went through the "secrets revealed" and dealt with phase with him. It wasn't ever a "bone of contention" in the relationship either. Other things were, though.

I guess this is year 3 now since he died (lung cancer & COPD) and while I recognize I have the capacity for another relationship and have learned what lonliness really is now... I'm still taking time to learn who I am now. By myself... not in the context of a relationship which it seems is part of my destiny, but does get in the way of "just being myself". I completely trust that I'll know - again - when it's the right "learning experience" in the form of a relationship the next time. No rush.

mudpuppy:
  Great, romantic story, Hops.

  Saw my counselor again today. [counselor sounds much better than therapist or head shrinker, IMO :)]
He's still convinced she has borderline tendencies, especially after I described those portions of her response at the end that were not really accurate and placed blame on me solely for behavior we both equally engaged in.
As it turns out though he doesn't really mean necessarily Borderline PD  but those actions by a person who has been hurt deeply in the past and now wishes to avoid being hurt again at any cost.

  I have never considered love a feeling but rather a decision or a commitment and I don't give up on that commitment unless the person loved behaves in a way so voluntarily egregious that it voids that commitment. So I still love this girl, because something was done to her to make her as defensive as she is.
  And so I have decided that though we'll probably never have a romantic relationship that's ok, and I will wait and stand by her and if she reaches out because she is hurting I will be there to help her heal, not to get involved with her again, regardless of how long it takes. If she never gets there that's out of my hands and if someone else comes along for me in the meantime that is ok. Doesn't mean I still don't love her as my sister and want the best for her.  Her bluntness and even her unresolved pain helped me do a great deal of healing, so what kind of jerk would I be if I didn't stand by her, even if I have to stand quite a distance away for awhile?
  If we do end up together that's ok too, but that's not the objective. Right now she is imprisoned by her fear and I would like to see her free, even if it's free to be with someone else. She is choosing to be alone, not because that is what she wants but because she is too afraid to risk her heart and so takes the safe escape. Regardless of what it's called all of her words and and more importantly the understanding I gained while we were together point to a wonderful woman hampered from living the way she truly wants to because she was wounded by life. If she chose solitude in a state of being free to choose either I wouldn't consider it anything but a healthy choice, but that's not where she is.
  I just hope to see her back to the way God created her to be not the way man wounded her. She helped me to get closer to the way I used to be so IMO I don't have a choice but to try and return the favor. If she never wants any help or never chooses to face her fear, I'll have to give up but at least I will have tried to help my friend. And for all I know she may end up helping me heal some of my remaining wounds. It's in God's hands and I will just wait and see what happens, because I have a feeling even if we both do nothing at all our paths are destined to intersect again anyway.

mud

lighter:
Hi, Mud:

How are you doing?

I'm concerned about you.  I'm not sure why you'd want to spend your life with a woman your T believes has borderline tendencies.  We can't save people from themselves.  We can't heal them, no matter how much we love them, IME.  I learned that one the hard way.

You explained why you believe she's not PD, only has traits, but I'm still very concerned. 

I hope you're remembering to breath, and taking good care of yourself.

Lighter

mudpuppy:
Doing well, actually, Lighter. Thanks for asking.
Breaking up let a lot of stuff out that I was holding onto and didn't realize I was. I really kind of needed it cuz I'm not sure I would have seen it any other way.
I like my T but in this case I'm not sure he's correct.
I think he just kind of lumps any woman who has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again as having borderline tendencies. I'm not infallible obviously, so it's possible she does in which case we'll  never go anywhere.
But if she's just someone who has been hurt and is wounded then I know I can't heal her or save her, but I can possibly hold her hand while God, time or both do.
I can't declare her a borderline mess because she said some stupid things as we broke up without calling myself one too because I probably said more stupid things than her.

There's enough of a chance, a good one IMO, that she just needs to learn to trust again.  We both brought a lot of baggage to the first try. If we can try again with a little less luggage then it will either work or it won't, but at least I'll know it didn't fail because of our baggage but because it was going to no matter what.

mud

lighter:
Well....

make sure you don't dismiss relevant information.

Whatever's happened, you have many indicators to consider.

I know the heart wants what the heart wants,  but don't forget AAA....

Assess
Accept
Act

The love of your life might be just around the corner. 

Be available for her.

I'm glad to see you posting, Mud.

Lighter

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