2019 Farm Life

[lighter]

You sound busy, and engaged, Amber.

B's lucky to have you on board, fighting the good fight, and caring for him the way you do.

Mike would be glad you're not stuck in sadness, and mourning.  He'd be happy you're moving ahead, and building a life with someone you care about. 

Wow... just imagine what he'd think about all you've done.  The Holly Hut, farm, and what you've let go of... the beach house and cabin, so you can focus on what's important. Big decisions. 

And this journey of self-discovery you're on.  He'd be so amazed and amused to see you setting a course, and sailing it like you have.

Maybe he's waiting to see what you do next.

I know I am. 

Have fun planning TG dinner,  Amber. 
Lighter

[Hopalong]

With all of these currents swirling, pragmatic and emotional, I think you're doing amazingly well, Amber.

The anniversary of Mike's year of retreat and later death seems like such a resonant prequel of things that may NOT happen with B, but things that you could so easily fear at unexpected moments. (I see that in M sometimes, reflecting to his loss of his wife a bit over a year ago.) I think I'd be in a perpetual waterspout over this stuff.

What I admire is your incredible ability to look at all the waterspouts but keep your head, keep swimming. And keep loving in spite of awareness of potential consequences. I think you're brave and smart and not self-sabotaging. You're doing your utmost best to keep moving while navigating a lot of weather.

Bravo, you. Much to be thankful for and I hope you feel some heart ease. Soon and lasting.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Heart's ease is here Hops. Along with total chaos on the farm, multi-tasking my attention past the point of sanity (LOLOL) - it's happy chaos. Pleasant, compatibility, everything coming together.

I learned to TRUST deeply, through the experience with Mike and the decisions/work after. And I learned that YES, all things pass given enough time. "Stuck" is more a matter of choice or just giving up. We can always choose something else - and even if it doesn't turn out to be what we saw it being in our heart's dream - we have good things to experience in them and most of the time, "nothing bad happens". So there's no need to fear, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Yeah, I'm still excitable, easily thrown off balance, OCD to an extent. LOL. But I'm laughing about it more these days and not taking too much all that personally. That's been one of the keystone realizations for Hol & me, resolving our conflict. Drop that - and the actual meat of the conversation and difference of opinion is much easier to process and the conflict itself disappears.

BUSY around here right now - but all good stuff. I need a couple hours of "one thing at a time" - so I'm baking Thursday's dessert today - because I have a haircut over the mtn tomorrow - but then I'm only responsible for sweet potato casserole on Thursday. 3 cooks makes this a lot more manageable and all 3 of us work well in my tiny kitchen.

We knew what to expect from Buck's appt yesterday. The surgeon would pull "expert rank" and want to remove the pump. And that's what was communicated; his assistant intended to admit him yesterday and the surgeon was going to remove it. That wasn't going to happen without a huge fight. Buck had to tell them 3 times he wanted a 2nd opinion from a doc at a different hospital FIRST - and you'd have thought this was the first time that's ever happened. LOL. I found him 5 possibilities in 20 minutes online. And the hospital is saying they don't know anyone. I asked if the VA could help in this instance - and he'll check on that.

We started talking about how long we've been talking to each other - I think it's been like 5-6 YEARS now - and the last 3 of those years, he's been in the hospital EVERY. SINGLE. HOLIDAY. He said it hit him like a ton of bricks how old he felt; due to how long this crap has been going on - when it was supposed to be a one-time surgery. So I told him how amazingly strong he is, to me. He was denying that all the while saying he doesn't know any other way to be. (He was brushing off the fact that we've been circling closer together for all those years.) I gave him examples. It's not physical strength; it's strength of will, heart, intention. That's the strength I'm in awe of. I can even draw strength from how he does this; repeatedly. It's contagious that way.

We'll have the other conversation about time spent growing together, some other time soon. 

But I MUST get myself in gear. Pumpkin cheesecake with praline/pecan topping waits for NO MAN. And it's an imperative for Thursday.

[lighter]

GAH!  I'm cooking a second TG dinner this year.   I'm going to make the basics, and then kick back and play cards, and spoons with the girls and guests. 

Your Pumpkin Cheesecake sounds amazing! 

Oh ya.... when I think of Buck.... I think of intestinal fortitude and imminent victory. 
He's tough stuff, like our late Amazon Izz.
 Have you made him fur boots yet? 
::nodding::
He's going to need boots.
::continued nodding::.
Uh-huh.

Have fun blowing up the kitchen!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Many things happening on many levels for me...

LOTS of images from the Twiggy time frame popping up; related? unrelated? to now-things. Sometimes in dreams.

Buck is moving full-steam ahead looking for that 2nd opinion; but still facing & trying to deal with the ordinary life challenges in SPITE of everything. In good humor most of the time. We're halfway through that year.

Hol is starting to freak out over the upcoming DUI court date; I am of two completely opposite minds over that myself. I sympathize with her fears of spending any time in jail; but she did know ahead of time what she was risking when she made her decisions.

I am holding my breath about Thursday; former house guest is starting to flail again. Hol called in a wellness check on him, she was so concerned. But we are not engaging certain kinds of behavior from him anymore. Then, there are the various other drama-queens in our family that choose to lob bombs into a simple, relaxed holiday.


---------------
I've noticed something really ODD perceptually. Hol & I have been talking about it, exploring what all is involved. It's goofy and OCD... but (deep breath)...

I've noticed the "me" I see in a mirror looks very different than what a camera sees; and how I see myself from within my self - is different yet AGAIN. Now the objective artist in me, is scratching my head over "what's up with THAT?"

So, asking all the questions... am I just not photogenic like I've always believed?
Not exactly, I CAN take a decent** photo/selfie... so why is there a difference?

Is there a difference in depth of field?
Somewhat; a mirror has a physical limit of depth, based on the thickness of the glass. A camera almost always "flatten" depth, based on the focus point. Hmmmm. More science research might be required here.

In my mind's eye, I see a me that doesn't exist in the other two mediums - how much of that is how I feel about myself? What I want to project outwardly (and does that affect the photo images??) and conversely, perhaps is a bit of judgemental or past-based wishful thinking dysmorphia?

Talk about microscopic analysis!! LOLOL. None of that is terribly important to me. But I have wondered about this going all the way back to high school, when I saw a super-good photo of me in the senior yearbook. It is a strange phenomenon, truly a mystery.

I think for now, I'm leaning toward the explanation that how we feel about ourselves and "in" ourselves, conditions (somewhat) what we project outwardly - and therefore is reflected back in mirrors/photos. The old cliche about "beauty comes from within" might be true-er than makes actual sense, given some of the awful pictures that exist of me.

[sKePTiKal]

This is one of those days when I really wish I could post pics here. I tried again; several times.

Buck had one of those moments last night of realizing that there was NOTHING he had to do, nothing that needed addressed and even the pump pain had been calmed... blessed peace... and what he described as "blank". His D was asleep; the kids here crashed early... and it was just us, chatting back & forth as we drifted off into that realm where sometimes we can be together despite the miles in between. He can't remember the last time he experienced a peaceful moment; he said it was bizarre; so not his normal. I told him to get used to it. 

It was late when we both drifted off; and I went back to sleep several times this morning... when I trundled out for that first cup of coffee Hol was retreiving her bar tools... and 10 minutes later she brought me a bloody mary to join my first cuppa joe, while reflecting and waking up in bed. "Take your medicine", she said - LOL.

Last night, I realized John & I had our hands full today... and neither of us wanted to "work" that hard at dinner. (We've prepped a lot before hand.) So we put Hol in charge of mashed potatoes. She was arranging them in designs and sculptures last night; explaining she takes her responsibility very seriously... and then this morning, I find potato mobiles hanging from the light fixture over the counter & stove... LOL. (And I really need a pic to do it justice...)

It's going to be one of THOSE weekends folks. One of those - "you had to be there" - weekends. General Mayhem (Hol's tubing nickname) is in charge of ambience, pacing, and general good humor.

And I thought I wouldn't hear from Buck all day... his D is cooking her first full T'giving dinner and he's on fire extinguisher duty... (LOL)... and she told the ex she was cooking - so there might be a time; hours even; when I won't be able to chat with Buck... but I was wrong. He's blowing up my phone, playing, on his end too today.

I'm about as happy as a puddle of puppies playing together.

[lighter]

That was a very happy post to read, Amber. 

 We have oldies playing, and youngest dd and I sing and dance around the kitchen.  It's marvelous. 

Dancing is a shortcut to joy!

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

$10 says Buck and I would talk LESS during a day, if he were actually here than we do over the phone right now. LOL. It's cute; people who know him say he never texts anyone. He said he made an exception for me - and WOW what an exception!

It's such a treat to be able to tweak his big, tough guy image by telling him how cute he is.... LOLOLOLOL. He really is a big softie, under the looks & image. We even have matching tomcats. LOLOLOL. His & Hers.

[lighter]

It really feels like you're running toward joy, Amber.  I think Buck is too: )

How was your Thanksgiving dinner?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Oh, for B to have a respite from pain, and you to have joy, and the sun to be shining into the mountainside kitchen, and him to be goofy and you to feel complete (as much as you can by text)...brings one more thing to be grateful for!

I feel so happy that your Tgiving has been so full (no pun intended), Amber.

Wow. And whatever you're seeing in the mirror is beautiful, whether you are in focus or not.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Nothing much new going on around here. There has been activity in the studio by various of us, some mending; new art projects (by John); and a retro British Army smock in the works for Buck - that is going to be less authentic than I wanted it to be; but will be appreciated anyway, I'm sure.

I'm sleeping a lot; and not so well other times. Buck & I have been in almost constant contact for a week. Lots of "playing" going on; planning; and deeper conversations. Gradually my "sense" of him is changing - but it's even more reassuring and delightful than I initially observed. I'm feeling a lot more solid about this now. The things we can say to each other - without anxiety - is like some kind of miracle to me. I don't have to fuss about finding the right way to say something.

Reading lots too - mostly fiction; all sci-fi fantasy stuff. Just getting lost in other worlds, with other possibilities and limitations.  Might start reading tarot again; haven't decided.

Hut is almost ready for the main floor wall pour; windows have been cut. Someone's really excited.

[lighter]

I'm glad the hut's moving along. 

And.....what does a retro British Army smock look like?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Woodland camo and lots & lots of pockets, Lighter. 1/4 zip, pullover style, with a hood and big pouch pocket. Later versions were full zip jackets (more vietnam era than WWII). Closest thing I could find was a Green Pepper anorak pattern... and I was able to find an original full zip version at a surplus outlet, along with about 5 yds of woodland camo, in cotton. Found buttons from York Constabulary... that will work, in place of velcro. Soldiers hate velcro coz it's noisy.

Oy. I've been more than half under the weather, but I did get started on it yesterday. And the instructions start with the most tedious, difficult and fussy sewing. It's far from perfect, but it's done now. Serviceable and able to withstand big clumsy fingers... LOL. You should see the zipper. I dare him to find a way to break it.

There have been a couple interesting things said to me in the past week, that I'm pondering. He definitely means them at face value; it's not that. I'm looking at me - and habits/patterns of relationship. One thing he said, was that I don't have to prove myself to him, or impress him. The latest one, was a direct command to quit saying I'm sorry about not knowing things, I've never needed to know before. LOL... at the same time, he's apologizing for venting about his problems to me... and making sure I understand he's not frustrated or angry with me. I've had to reassure him I understand the difference.

So, anyway... I'm feeling that I'm being invited to just "be" "me"... sans the usual window dressing, or do-si-do that couples do. And that THIS is the "me" he wants to be with. It feels authentic too; because it never wavers or expects something different. This is kinda eradicating the very last hold of the "not good enough" habits out of my reflexes. The level of openness & honesty of communication is new too. He's not afraid to be vulnerable or scared or otherwise not the big tough protective (but not possessive) guy - he's that most of the time anyway - without losing sight of the reason & meaning for the purpose of it, so it's time, place & context focused. Which is something I've not ever had in a relationship before. That's an adjustment to my "reality" that is a big shift. Yes, I'm watching out for depending on that too.

He's promised we'll get together soon. Medical stuff is still giving him fits though. And something really needs to happen soon. Despite what he lives with - he insisted I take care of myself with whatever this bug is that I'm fighting off around here. So there is very clearly a two-way street here. I'm trying not to be anxious about that... scared... waiting for the Cinderella moment to turn back into pumpkins and rats. And I absolutely miss him. The feeling is mutual given how much we've blown up each other's phones. LOL.

There is so clearly a huge (multi-level) letting go going on. And an unusual delight in all the new that's happening, that I'm noticing. I am less worried about repeating the Mike loss these days; but I haven't forgotten that it's a possibility.

Hol's friend John is here and it looks like he's settling in for a month right now to support her. He's helpful to me here, and he has free run of my studio space - so it's working out well. Hol's court date is in a couple weeks, for the DUI. And things have been kinda weird with her and Steve - just natural stuff; but John agrees that there is a lot of Hol taking care of Steve and not much vice versa going on. (No, I don't think John has designs on her; but they are as close as friends can be. Have been since high school.) And now, Hol's pregnant again. And scared to death about miscarrying again - especially if she has to go jail. I kinda need that whole circus of flying monkeys to move out into HER house. I'm doing my best to keep it at arms length; but sometimes she just needs her mommy right now even when I don't have any answers or solutions... I can still hold her when she cries.

She is managing OK with her fears about the pregnancy; she REALLY wants to have a child. But she's definitely not as giddy excited as she was the first time.

Second floor walls of the hut will get poured next Wed. There have been some adjustments because of how much glass there will be in the west wall. Roof trusses are ordered; windows & doors won't arrive till after the 1st of the year. Those are huge windows & sliding doors.

[lighter]

Woodland camo and lots & lots of pockets, Lighter. 1/4 zip, pullover style, with a hood and big pouch pocket. OK, I think I'm stuck with a picture of a smock in my head... from the salon.... or K art class.   Smock as in with sleeves, or poncho style?  Maybe a vest is more correct?  Later versions were full zip jackets (more vietnam era than WWII). Closest thing I could find was a Green Pepper anorak pattern... and I was able to find an original full zip version at a surplus outlet, along with about 5 yds of woodland camo, in cotton. Found buttons from York Constabulary... that will work, in place of velcro. Soldiers hate velcro coz it's noisy.  It sounds like B is going to be the very happy recipient of a very special..... jacket, errrr.. pullover... thing; )

Oy. I've been more than half under the weather, but I did get started on it yesterday. And the instructions start with the most tedious, difficult and fussy sewing. It's far from perfect, but it's done now. Serviceable and able to withstand big clumsy fingers... LOL. You should see the zipper. I dare him to find a way to break it.  Nice. 

There have been a couple interesting things said to me in the past week, that I'm pondering. He definitely means them at face value; it's not that. I'm looking at me - and habits/patterns of relationship. One thing he said, was that I don't have to prove myself to him, or impress him. The latest one, was a direct command to quit saying I'm sorry about not knowing things, I've never needed to know before. IME, that's the kind of "feeling' that leaves you happy to have live whatever days you have left.  To be so incredibly loved and accepted at a cellular level.  It's marvelous.   Soak it up.  Bathe in it's glow, Amber. I'm so happy to read this! : ) LOL... at the same time, he's apologizing for venting about his problems to me... and making sure I understand he's not frustrated or angry with me. I've had to reassure him I understand the difference.  I don't understand what his frustration and anger look and feel like... sound like to you, but I certainly understand it.

So, anyway... I'm feeling that I'm being invited to just "be" "me"... sans the usual window dressing, or do-si-do that couples do. And that THIS is the "me" he wants to be with. It feels authentic too; because it never wavers or expects something different. This is kinda eradicating the very last hold of the "not good enough" habits out of my reflexes. The level of openness & honesty of communication is new too. He's not afraid to be vulnerable or scared or otherwise not the big tough protective (but not possessive) guy - he's that most of the time anyway - without losing sight of the reason & meaning for the purpose of it, so it's time, place & context focused. Which is something I've not ever had in a relationship before. That's an adjustment to my "reality" that is a big shift. Yes, I'm watching out for depending on that too.  Don't question it now, Amber.  If it's ever time to question, or doubt, or wonder if you have things right, you'll know. 

He's promised we'll get together soon. Medical stuff is still giving him fits though. And something really needs to happen soon. Despite what he lives with - he insisted I take care of myself with whatever this bug is that I'm fighting off around here. So there is very clearly a two-way street here. I'm trying not to be anxious about that... scared... waiting for the Cinderella moment to turn back into pumpkins and rats. And I absolutely miss him. The feeling is mutual given how much we've blown up each other's phones. LOL.  When does he think you'll be able to see each other?

There is so clearly a huge (multi-level) letting go going on. And an unusual delight in all the new that's happening, that I'm noticing. I am less worried about repeating the Mike loss these days; but I haven't forgotten that it's a possibility.  There's no joy without loss, Amber.  It's magic to find someone special.  Focus on the magic.

Hol's friend John is here and it looks like he's settling in for a month right now to support her. He's helpful to me here, and he has free run of my studio space - so it's working out well. Hol's court date is in a couple weeks, for the DUI. And things have been kinda weird with her and Steve - just natural stuff; but John agrees that there is a lot of Hol taking care of Steve and not much vice versa going on.Maybe Hol could add a book on codependence to her list of books to read while pregnant?  (No, I don't think John has designs on her; but they are as close as friends can be. Have been since high school.)I'm glad Joyn's supportive of her. And now, Hol's pregnant again. And scared to death about miscarrying again - especially if she has to go jail. I kinda need that whole circus of flying monkeys to move out into HER house. I'm doing my best to keep it at arms length; but sometimes she just needs her mommy right now even when I don't have any answers or solutions... I can still hold her when she cries.   I'm sorry Hol is suffering.  I'm sure it helps to be held, and know you'll always be there for her.  Maybe helping her figure out ways she can be proactive, and improve her situation,  should she have to spend some time in jail?  It would help busy my monkey mind, for sure.   

What prenatal vitamins are available at the jail?  She might want to take them, and see if they make her sick.  ONE vitamin made me so sick, and I forgot and took it with the second pregnancy too.  BLECK.  Just so miserable. 

Maybe she can get her OBGYN on board with a specific prescribed prenatal vitamin she can have sent in?   

Also,Hol should see her dentist and get everything taken care of before her court date.  Sometimes it takes months to get an appointment, and putting herself on the waitlist might be necessary, so she should start now, particularly if this isn't her first DUI, her alcohol level was .15% or higher, and you're in Virginia, which has a maximum of 2 days to 12 months, as you likely know already. West Virginia seems to have a 6 month maximum.

Dental problems cause all kinds of health issues and what a misery to deal with that in jail.  It seems the dentists pull teeth and call it "treatment."  The toothbrushes have a 2 inch handle, and there's no toothpaste generally, or floss.  I think I'd put DENTIST  at the top of my list, along with purchasing interesting books ahead....  books on positive child discipline, everything about being pregnant, Tai Chi, breathing and meditation practices... even if she's not open to those things now, she might find herself in need. Lord, what if she needs a filling, and can't get in to deal with it before jail time begins?  Two weeks means she needs to get on this now, IMO.

If Hol needs a doctor to prescribe special dietary options, likely fresh oranges if that, she can think that through with her OBGYN now.   See what hoops she has to jump through to procure that privilege.  Orange peels have antibacterial properties, she can create sacred space using them for cleaning...  make nice tea, and it would remind her of home, bc there's precious little in jail that will be of comfort to her.
 

  That baby will feel everything she's feeling, so how can Hol move herself into feeling empowered, supported, and as healthy as she can possibly manage in jail, worst case scenario?  That would help me feel less at the mercy of.... to think everything through, and do what I could to improve my situation.

 Maybe learning whatever Tai Chi she can in two weeks would be helpful?  Maybe she already practices.  I hope they're already in her toolbox.     

She is managing OK with her fears about the pregnancy; she REALLY wants to have a child. But she's definitely not as giddy excited as she was the first time.  That's understandable. Just being pregnant, alone,  can be stressful.
 

Second floor walls of the hut will get poured next Wed. There have been some adjustments because of how much glass there will be in the west wall. Roof trusses are ordered; windows & doors won't arrive till after the 1st of the year. Those are huge windows & sliding doors.  That sounds like it'll help keep Hol busy.  Lots to plan, and implement.  Is she thinking about a nursery yet?  Does she like her OBGYN?  Has she found one she likes?

Sorry if I ramped up your anxiety, but I had my teeth cleaned yesterday.  I have two failing fillings they wanted to schedule appointments for in January!  I can feela little pain on the left side, so waiting over a month was not acceptable. I hope Hol saw the dentist very recently, and this isn't a problem for her... whew, wouldn't that be nice.
Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

No pumpkins and rats.
Soon, the first snowflakes.
Deep sweet dark on the mountainside.
Air so clean and crisp it brings peace in the breath.
Animals, knowing what season means.
Love on the phone.
A baby growing. (!!!!)

You've got the makings of all that matters, Amber.
I so hope B gets to come visit soon. I can
understand the ache.

(Told M recently when he was talking about missing
me when we're not together that I miss him too, but mostly
I feel lucky having someone to miss.) Small comfort for you
and B in the moment, I know.

I hope you won't self-scrutinize too fiercely. It's okay
for things to become safe, even calm. A fire meant to keep
burning doesn't need moment-by-moment tending forever,
once the embers are strong. You're both still building it up
but keep your eyes on the prize of peace...that can come
after uncertainty. Even if change or loss comes, peace always
follows. Eventually, peace can stay in the midst of struggle.
Not always replacing it, but still present at the core.

I have faith that's coming for you.

Hugs
Hops