Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Winter Stuff
sKePTiKal:
Hops, do yourself a favor and lower that bar. You REALLY don't know him. You know his stories somewhat now. He is going to be a more complex person than you're drawing him in your plans.
Give him the benefit of doubt too. But still - ask him your question. You're required, due to your needs and situation. Start the conversation. One evening might not be enough to answer the question completely - especially if he lost his spouse in the last few years. IMO, guys have a longer process working through that loss (generally) than women do. Somehow we anticipate this. Even when we're still not ready as it happens.
You just seem to be really over-thinking these encounters. Not exactly enjoying yourself or their company; too much analysis and evaluation about whether or not this guy'll be your prince charming. (Sorry; that's kinda straight up and overly forward.) Like a job interview. Try seeing him as a person... and for a moment, just BE with him. Forget the intellectual side of things. For a moment. Just BE.
How does that feel?
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber.
Not too forward at all.
Kind of the dash of cold water in the face that I NEEDED.
I appreciate this and am going to try to chill out.
Been driving myself nuts with anxious projections
and you're right, it's waaaaaaaaaay too soon.
Much gratitude,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I'm definitely projecting something I see in myself, too Hops.
It's why I don't think the online dating thing is going to work for me. I quickly rule out the majority of "matches" for one reason or another - either they have no profile built; or it's boilerplate suggested by the site; or - well the reasons are numerous. The biggest gripe I have is sites that post astrological signs... LOL. I have a distinct (and wholly unfair) predjudice based on previous guys I know, in certain signs. It's silly and juvenile on my part; and I still can't seem to get past it.
I still "window shop", and taking Hol's advice I do reach out to all who peak my curiosity or interest. But no replies. Makes me wonder if they're even real people - or just "filler" profiles created by the site to further analyze my preferences - conscious and unconscious. I suspect that's the case.
It wouldn't be hard at all for these sites to encourage online engagement in conversation, getting to know you discussions that still provide safety, anonymity, and low-risk initial impressions. But it DOES then require some responsibility on the individual to take part in that. The "messaging" is a paywall feature on most sites... and even jumping through that hoop, there's no guarantee that the guy ponied up his subscription dollars to be able to message back - or simply isn't interested in you.
That is a negative experience for me and discouraging to even frequenting the site to look at pics. I'd rather go to the animal shelter and pick out a dog... even though I currently have a 75 lb one in my lap... LOL.
lighter:
Ya, just relax, pull back, and ask your questions without making it a whole thing. Maybe he'll give you more info than you want.
Maybe.
In any case, put on music from a time you loved, pick out clothes that make you feel good, look at the restaurant menu ahead, and enjoy every sip of wine..... everything about it.
I hope there's a fireplace at the restaurant.
I like places with fires.
Ones with chess boards please me very much too.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Hi y'all,
A lot of the anxiety has tapered off, and I'm relieved. I was starting to panic. The reason it's better is that at least now I think I understand WHY.
An insight rose up while I was sitting with my T this week. I realized that the reason I've been so anxious since meeting him is that after so many losses, my entire family capped by losing my only child...I have come to associate real love with heartbreak. It's a risk for anyone, of course. But those bells are going off now. The good part is I now understand that swirl, where it comes from. The challenge will be to accept there is fear, and be vulnerable anyway. Find the balance between protecting my heart and walling it off. Tough one. I didn't realize how risky it feels, yet I would like to brave the risk.
His moving plans factor doesn't help. It could be a red herring, though. I get very deeply attached to place and community, I always have. But that's because mountains and friends have never broken my heart. They're just family. Saying since 1999, I don't know about the rest, but I know my roots are HERE, I am HOME, being here and being from here are parts of my identity I can draw strength from.
As a poet and hence outsider, after a deeply lonely childhood, I've craved belonging all my life. I found myself able to create it by identifying so deeply with place. That said, folks do go bi-coastal, right? So we'll see what happens.
I feel better and am looking forward to two dinners with him this week! Invited him over for wine before dinner tomorrow night, and he is ready to meet pooch. She'll suss him out.
Hugs
Hops
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