Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Winter Stuff
lighter:
How was Saturday's date, Hops?
Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter.
He was laid low by a horrid cold sweeping through his department, so we postponed it to tonight, and that's been sidelined by the snow topped with ice thing that happened (but will melt off by tomorrow). He tried to fetch his mail and slid all the way down the driveway. Risk of falls around town tonight is clear, loads of places closed. I told him we should "be mindful of our delicate ankles" and stay home. So we're rescheduled for this coming Sat.
He's emailed several times today (we share an antipathy for phones) and has invited me to a dinner party at his house with his colleagues and a visiting international poet. Looking forward to it! Offered to help, curious how that goes.
Hugs
Hops
Hopalong:
I don't think I've been very honest here.
The insight with the T was true, looking forward to seeing him is true, feeling good with friends or when meetings take place is true.
But only half of it.
The other half is that while I am dealing with this truth, where the fear comes from, I have reverted to the G*d d*** pasttime that is devouring my life. Hiding in my room (less work scheduled lately), watching endless hours of mindless stuff, reading media, overeating, and not going to exercise.
The phone doesn't ring often. People just don't call to chat much, and I can't think of whom to reach out to other than those I already talk to enough (more would be too much). So there is lots and lots and lots and lots of silence, and long days without contact (unless something's scheduled). So, when I am alone, I am utterly dysfunctional. I keep the public areas tidy enough (had a meeting last night) that the house looks cheery. But the two rooms where my life really takes place are a mess.
I know this avoidance cannot go on without serious consequences, physical or financial or relationshippal. (Made that one up.) And I am glad I have a T to talk about it with. But I am discouraged.
I had a chair recovered and it looks good. I am anxious about him coming over for the first time. I have gained back 5 pounds I'd lost and my hair is sliding out of my head. I am deeply upset over the balding, which has increased. I have lost confidence in beauty and it adds to deeply vulnerable feelings.
That's pretty much it...kind of a general dumping of stuff I usually don't like to say aloud, though I have here, safely before, so just doing it again.
I know I'll be better shortly. I really do. I am just so frustrated with my lack of will. I want to actually make progress. Progress. But evidently I don't want it enough. It makes me dislike and disrespect myself.
Sigh,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, it makes me sad to see you writing that you dislike and disrespect yourself. I often feel the same way that you do - my physical life seems to go out of the window at times. I know I should be doing x, y and z but I find myself still sitting an hour later watching YouTube clips about cute cats or repeats of some old comedy that I've already seen a dozen times. I do go long days without contact with people and sometimes the effort of reaching out is also too much, so I just sit in the quiet with the telly on.
But equally I am aware that when I'm processing deep emotions, veeery old pathways, facing fears and truths, trying to change - whether it's conscious or subconscious - it's almost like my brain and body can't do both. I can't do all the deep work and also tidy up, phone a friend, cook a decent meal. It feels a bit like climbing a mountain whilst also trying to do laundry and vacuum the carpets.
The only thing I can think to suggest (as it seems to be the only thing I can manage in those times) is to do something for five minutes. Just five minutes of sitting by an open window breathing in fresh air - then close the window again. Five minutes of tidying away dishes - then back to the telly. Five minutes of stacking papers into a pile or shoving them in a box. Then back to the newspaper. It doesn't make a huge change for me, but it makes me feel like I've done something.
I think you are making progress, but I think sometimes we can't see the progress we're making. I was talking to someone about stress the other day. As you know, I have a lot of it in my life, and I decided to try cannabis oil to see if that would help. I was discussing different options with the chap in the shop, and he pointed out that, with things like stress, sometimes you don't realise something's helping until you're in a stressful situation and it doesn't stress you out as much, or you recover from it quicker. I think that's an example of how we can be making progress without realising it. Dealing with fear, deep seated fear, can be so draining, it's very hard to keep doing other things as well. Which doesn't help - I know you want to be feeling better and getting more done and I understand that. But equally I think what you're going through is perfectly normal and healthy. I don't think it's dysfunctional - although I understand you feel it is - I think we experience things in a different way to the way other people see them a lot of the time.
I think the first few times chap comes to visit you can keep him in the public areas. He doesn't need to see your untidy rooms - that can be your secret for now :) I also don't think that he's going to notice you've gained five pounds as it's winter and you can wear plenty of layers. I know you prefer not to have the extra weight on but I think you've got plenty of time to lose it again.
Hair loss is very difficult to cope with. Can you make an appointment with a hairdresser to discuss options for short, sassy styles that won't make it so apparent? I've worn mine short for years now because it's been falling out - it suits me much better and the fallout is much less noticeable? It's difficult to be forced to make those changes, I find, but at the same time a good haircut can do so much for us. Do you have a nice hairdresser you can sit and have a chat with and be guided by their recommendations? You don't need to make a decision on the day, just get some advice, go through some pictures and then have a think about what to do.
I hope a little something can nudge you out of the rut and put a little spring back in your step again. Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with conking out from time to time, but I know you don't like it so I hope a little something can shift things for you xx
lighter:
Hops, I so get the messy living space, and food issues right now. I've not been doing great with food, or weight myself... not since the letters from In Laws, which I'm trying to grapple with emotionally, and maybe getting ahead of it now. Honestly, for me, it's not about down time.... or how I use it. It' s about my head space.
Your post seems to hold so much fear (((Hops))), and that comes and goes for me.
I found Biotin was helpful for thickening up hair, and making it healthier/shinier if you haven't considered it. I'm magically feeling better in my body, no makeup, weigh more than ever, hair whatever, and noticing how refusing to buy into cultural standards, really for the first time, FEELS. It feels OK. I'd like to stay in this head space, even if I desire to organize/create more sacred space in my living space..... I want to be at ease in this body. There's nothing else to do about it, IMO. I'm getting older, and that's OK. I'm not as strong, and that's OK too. I don't have to have the hair and body of a teenager.... bc I'm not supposed to. Society, tv, magazines sends these insane messages into our heads from everywhere, and it's just not acceptable, IME. It's bad ju ju, and my definition of beauty has decidedly shifted from that silly self imposed cultural standard that never made sense. It just made us better victims, and I'm super comfortable being ME.... not the better victim, if that makes sense. ME is me, not my outer appearance. Me is my inner world, and the work I do. Me is how I enrich other people's lives, and how I connect with those people. Sometimes watching Curiosity Incorporated Youtube videos... particularly loving WE BOUGHT A HOARDER HOUSE... or the POTTER'S HOUSE..... I prefer Potter's house, is ME, and I'm OK with that too.
I want to knock all that fear and judgement out of your hands, Hops. I want you to pull back, find more curiosity, and know you're good enough. YOu always were.
Our culture idolizes really messed up ideas, and I think we're better off if we don't take it in. This is our time on earth. It belongs to us. We might as well dance by the Amazon fire, and enjoy our faux fur boots while we're wearing them. Who cares if other people don't dance, or celebrate bonfire style, or wear Amazon battle gear? WE DO.
I'm curious about the upcoming dinner party.... people who share literary interests, and good food and wine.... likely everyone there will have their own worries about who they are, and what they're falling short on with Vogue standards in mind, etc.
::blowing raspberry::.
So go, and see how they dance. You can show them how you dance. Maybe you'll have a really good time. I'd certainly lean into it with curiosity about how great it could be. And it could.
No matter what happens with the Professor....
No need to fear. Even if it's not OK... it's OK, ((Hops)).
Lighter
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