- "Helping him - as just a friend - restraining my own dreams - as just a friend - helping him gain perspective - as just a friend" set my codependency bells off. This is a huge undertaking for a guy you've been out with twice and who has done absolutely nothing for you, as a friend. And no need for him to, because he hardly knows you, and you hardly know him.
My CoD bells went off at my quote too, Tupp. It was a partial summary of both my instinctive desire to make things okay for him (with unrealistic hopes that'd he'd also eventually do the same for me) plus what friends were recommending in general -- me being a certain way for him. Including poet. Not that the idea of helping him or restraining myself for that purpose would be categorically wrong -- it's really what love is -- but the importance of your last sentence. THAT's the "reality is my friend" piece. Reality still IS my friend, and I don't want to over-fantasize about how a friendship would go, any more than how a romantic relationship would go. One way or another, I've got to teach myself to fill my head with more reality and less butterflies and unicorns.
I feel better this morning. Less ashamed of having had sudden strong feelings for a stranger. I woke up thinking about (again) re-engaging in my own world and life and got my mind focused on that. Kind of "back in my body", kwim? Feel a little embarrassed at everything I spewed out here, so thank you very much for your kindness and perspective. I feel as though I got back to the pier.
The checking out new living arrangements still isn't on. I know all the "elder alternatives" in the area and cannot afford any other option at the moment than living in my home alone. I don't want to move out of my sweet house anyway if it's not absolutely necessary. I COULD explore, once supply chains reopen, the faint (very faint) possibility of adding a small extension with a BR and bath, which would open up the chance of a housemate (or even carer one day). BUT that would take half or likely most of my savings, which are the only bulwark between me and not having any daily help if/when I'm too frail to manage everything on my own.
I have PLENTY to do all winter even if most of the human stuff is on Zoom. I absolutely need more structure and an exercise plan. (I've got one, need to DO it.) I have things in my home to tend to that will boost my self-esteem like crazy once I do them. I have a freaking novel to write. I'm a lot more involved in church stuff again and overall, I like it. I get to act out my own values and interact with good people while doing so. Right now, they include:
--leading a women's Covenant Group, which eases isolation and stimulates the mind for everybody
--a new role as one of the leaders of a refugee project. I do all the communications. We're supporting a family of Afghan refugees arriving soon from a military base south of here. They're in quarantine because somebody got measles, but once that passes. A refugee organization will secure their apartment but we will be fundraising to cover rent, collecting furniture and household goods and clothes and a storage unit for donations, hunting down various things they'll need, etc. Some of our group will be directly contacting the the family (or couple or individual, we don't know yet) on a regular basis. They will help them navigate health care, drivers' licenses, schooling, employment, etc. And offer them regular contacts and mentoring to reduce their shock and help them acclimate and hopefully thrive in time. I'll write it all up and keep the congregation updated, create new appeals or drives, etc.
--a new proposal I call Elder Net which I've written up and met with the minister about. Don't know how fast it'll get going but it's a gap that I've cared about since long before I became older myself. The church has a patchwork of old people looking out for older people. The church itself does a ritual elder dinner once a year. It's very nice, but doesn't cover the needs of people like those I worked for before the pandemic. I'm talking about creating a program specifically for isolated OLD-elders with no involved family nearby. Wrote up a long list of what I'd observed about how many (and these were all folks who COULD afford to be in a "senior community" of some kind--it's a well-off congregation) just give up on the congregation when they're old enough to: have trouble hearing, not drive, deal with pain, have trouble with technology, inadequate diet, a host of stuff. And my point to the minister/church is: We take special focused care of toddlers and babies and don't resent
their vulnerability or need, but when folks get OLD-old, we let them quietly slip between the cracks of the community's attention and some not only live alone but deal with pain and isolation and debility on their own. OLD-olds are inconvenient and involve work and if we are (as a spiritual community) what we say we are, I say we are neglecting them. The minister didn't disagree and said she'd take it further and see what we could start up if I'd remain involved (I said absolutely). I want MULTIgenerational involvement. Teenage crews can rake leaves, cut grass, walk dogs. Other folks could "adopt" an old-elder to visit regularly and check in with, etc. Some of that does get done anyway for many of them; it's the few I worry about (especially since my friend who'd volunteered for years and worked his ass off for the church died alone in his apartment and wasn't missed for days).
--a big local social justice organization we're part of...I'm a "network member" which involves messaging and meetings and again updates to the congregation. I don't enjoy it as much as the other things but it's literally good work that makes a difference to local poor people so I'm continuing it year over year.
So there's all that. It's not as though my community life has to lack meaning. If I focused more on what other humans need and less on myself, life would be better. For me, it's pretty simple but I need more WILL. Keep at my health, care for my home (downsize and declutter), and WRITE MY BOOK.
Thank you again, Tupp. That was a bracing and very helpful post and I'm really touched you "entered in" to what I've been doing and what I could do instead.
Greatful hugs, and apologies to all for my meltdown!
Hops
